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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Dh wants passports of me and the dc

175 replies

lavenderhoney · 28/08/2014 08:20

I left my dh and returned to the UK at the beginning of the year and am hoping to file for divorce this week and then serve him papers as he lives in the Middle East ( he is European)

He refuses to accept I want a divorce and the lawyer has asked me to discuss the best way to serve him without his flying off the handle. I think he is going to be furious as he just keeps saying I'm very selfish in not giving him a chance ( yet again) I have a whole thread in relationships about it all.

He sent me an email this week saying he was going to send everything to hell and lose the plot, no idea what he means. He has debt so cannot leave the ME until its paid.

He has asked me for the passports for me and the dc to cancel our visas - do I have to send them? I don't want to as I think he might take the children out of the UK.

And I'm worried about his reaction to me serving him, what can I expect? He does have his name on the house, but has never lived here.

Any advice much appreciated:)

OP posts:

wingcommandergallic · 16/09/2014 20:18

Just have him served. Don't give him any notice or opportunity to harass you.

Good luck.

eddielizzard · 16/09/2014 21:07

yes, just serve.

you're holding the cards now, don't give them away. good luck and well done.

AdoraBell · 16/09/2014 21:15

Another vote for just serve, you don't need that phone call and whatever he says it's not going to make you not want to divorce.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 16/09/2014 22:17

He keeps telling me how depressed he is on mail and I worry if I serve he will do something silly.

OP posts:

AlpacaLypse · 16/09/2014 22:21

Have skim read.

The implied threat of suicide you mention is fairly classic self pity with a nice dose of guilt tripping you. Don't fall for it.

Coughle · 16/09/2014 22:25

Just found this thread again. Glad you are feeling happier with your lawyer. Don't worry about him doing something silly, as Alpaca says that's a classic threat. Serve serve serve, you are doing fantastic

MrsFlorrick · 16/09/2014 22:31

Lavender. (Waves. We met on the Jillian Michaels thread earlier this year).

Glad you're back in the UK and sorry you're having to go through this. And

Hope you and DC are doing well
Other than fully extricating yourself from your H.

wingcommandergallic · 17/09/2014 06:45

His mental health is neither your fault or your responsibility. He is a grown man fully able to access any health services he needs.

Your responsibilty is to keep you and your children safe.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 21/09/2014 22:03

I haven't done it yet ( serve) because I'm so worried he will get on a plane and come and see me face to face.

I keep wondering if divorcing will cause me more problems than just separating and him living elsewhere and us never ever being together again. He accepts this apart for wanting chances which I just ignore.

I can't bear him now and cannot understand why I dated him, never mind married him:(

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 21/09/2014 23:03

As long as you are married he will continue thinking that it's reasonable to expect you to give him another chance. And if he truly did accept the current situation as permanent he wouldn't be asking for another chance.

Also, he will retire at some point, or the job may move back to the UK, then how will you prevent him from coming "home"?

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 22/09/2014 06:34

He isn't british and has no family / friends here. He won't retire here, plus the dc will have left home by then. And he will , I presume, have found someone else.

OP posts:

TwinkleDust · 22/09/2014 08:52

He accepts this apart for wanting chances which I just ignore

Perhaps you need to also consider that by prolonging this situation you are giving him false hope, and this is now becoming unkind (yes, I know he doesn't deserve your kindness).

Kaykat · 28/09/2014 08:51

If he decides to divorce you in his own country then that puts you and your children in a dangerous position doesn't it? If thats the case you need to divorce him under UK law to protect your children, you have no choice.

I do know how you feel as I am mid divorce and my ex if pulling every trick in the book. Before I started divorce proceedings and as long as I walked away with nothing he mostly left me alone but that wasn't an option for me either.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 01/10/2014 07:58

He refuses to believe UK law and insists we must get divorced in the country we married in. My lawyer says she will write to him and serve papers.

He is extremely angry and says he has done nothing wrong throughout the entire marriage and he plans to tell the children all about me and how he was abandoned for no reason. He can tell them what he likes but they are under 8! I don't think he should do that.

He also wants to take them to Europe each summer without me for the whole of the school holidays to stay with his 68 year old dm who will take care of them. She doesn't speak English. He says they won't care I'm not there as his family who don't speak English, and haven't seen the children except for once a year with me there since birth, ignore my Skype requests and forget my dd birthday. They refuse to travel to the UK, as its not convenient.

He says they won't need me as his dm can do bedtime. She can't speak English and he has never done a dc bedtime!!! Is it me or is he really thick wrt the emotional care of the dc? Surely its unreasonable?

OP posts:

honeysucklejasmine · 01/10/2014 08:05

I'm sure as part of the divorce, contact agreements will be reached. I can't imagine any judge thinking 6 weeks in a foreign country, without an English speaking carer, would be a good idea. I think courts these days are very aware of the problems of the middle east wrt children... I can't imagine they would let them leave the country, just in case.

And yes, he's very thick.

wingcommandergallic · 01/10/2014 08:07

It's unreasonable and unfeasible. He is still trying to control you.
Custody and access are not for him to decide but for both of you to negotiate in order to best meet the needs of your children.
I note that despite wanting them all summer, he's not willing to be fully responsible for their care!

Please stop listening to his histrionics.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 01/10/2014 19:13

The solicitor says that the courts ( if it comes to that) would expect him to have access which is fine, but not abroad with him and a load of comparative strangers who don't speak English! He says his dm will do their bedtime..

I'm sure he is just trying to annoy me. Even surely his dm wouldn't be arrogant enough to assume she would manage ok with no tears. She won't even let them have night lights:(

OP posts:

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 06/10/2014 08:07

He refuses to accept the serving of the divorce and says he doesn't agree. He wants me to cancel it and divorce either from the ME or his country in Europe as its better for him. He is furious. He says my reasons for divorce are rubbish and make him look like a terrible husband and father. He wants it changed anyway.

He says i deserted him and seeks compensation or will bring charges. Is this for real? I have never heard of this.

He wants to force the sale of the house and take his share.

He says he will take the dc to their gp next summer whatever I or they prefer and his dm will help look after them. It seems to be all about what she wants, sadly. He said it will be good for the dc even if they miss me and cry, its all my fault for divorcing him.

He won't listen and I have not tried to stop him seeing them at all- he shouts he has rights and doesn't want to see them in the UK, he wants them in Europe. He said when a judge hears how I left him he will be given the children. I have suggested I stay with the dc nearby in Europe and he can have them all day and some overnights if that is what the dc agree too but he says no, he will have his way and his dm will take care of them.

I don't know why he's so keen for having them outside the UK. I think its his dm - but his family ignore all my attempts at contact, didn't bother with birthdays for the dc and I don't think they know why I left actually. He's certainly against my seeing them at all.

OP posts:

TwinkleDust · 06/10/2014 09:23

Stop engaging.

"Speak to my solicitor".

Repeat as necessary.

Homebird8 · 07/10/2014 06:37

What Twinkle said.

And please make sure you have up to date passports for all of you, lodged with your bank or your solicitor. It sounds as though he might not respect the law.

Regarding the divorce, your reasons are your reasons. He might not like it but that doesn't change your experiences and feelings about them. It is not his choice of whether you serve him with divorce papers.

Charges? Compensation? Really? What a pillock!

I think you need your questions answered by your solicitor. You need to know from a reliable legal source so that you can work out when to shake your head in disbelief at his demands.

antimatter · 07/10/2014 06:45

whilst your husband is abroad there is no way he can be forced to pay you maintenance
I am not speaking for the whole Europe but in Poland he would be forced to pay child maintenance with some extra paperwork provided by you - OP pls check what is the situation in his country

MexicanSpringtime · 07/10/2014 06:57

Yes, stop engaging, OP. Your solicitor and the courts will know what he can and can't do, he's just mouthing off.

If he were a decent man though, it wouldn't do your children any harm being with people who don't speak English as long as they love them, but I wouldn't let this man go to the corner of the street with them if I could avoid it.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 07/10/2014 17:33

Antimatter, he is outside Europe and in a country where there is no jusrisdiction from the UK courts. It's unfortunate but there's nothing I can do, or my solicitor can do. If he comes back to Europe to live, it's another matter of course.

We have to engage to discuss settlement. Although he's rather narrow minded about that too.

The children don't want to stay with their gp without me. They haven't seen them for over 2 years and only briefly before that. dh won't come to the UK and says it's the only option. He has never been involved with their day to day care and is not interested in what they like. Ds has night terrors when DH is about, and wets the bed. He wets the bed after any call which is about once every two weeks. Dh says even if they cry and miss me it will be good for them and good for me to know as then I will regret the divorce.

OP posts:

Simile · 07/10/2014 17:53

He's really piling on the mindfuckery isn't he. Ignore the twit. Do not withdraw your UK divorce as you will be hugely disadvantaged even with a European divorce.

As other's have said make sure you have uptodate passports at bank or at a trusted friend. Check out whether there is someway to make sure any new passport has to have your agreement?

Do not let him take your dcs out of the country. You know that already? Keep a log of everything he says and log with your solicitor as evidence.

Finally make sure you can hear what he is saying to the kids when he Skypes them. He doesn't have to see you in the shot but you need to pull the plug if he starts any manipulation tactics on them. Can you record Skype conversations (don't use it so no idea!)?

You do not have to listen to his crap. Ignore as much as possible.

TwinkleDust · 07/10/2014 17:58

No, you don't have to engage.

You tell him to let your solicitor to have his proposed settlement.

Repeat as necessary.

You discuss with your solicitor and listen to their professional advice.

Your solicitor engages with him/his solicitor.

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