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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Dh wants passports of me and the dc

175 replies

lavenderhoney · 28/08/2014 08:20

I left my dh and returned to the UK at the beginning of the year and am hoping to file for divorce this week and then serve him papers as he lives in the Middle East ( he is European)

He refuses to accept I want a divorce and the lawyer has asked me to discuss the best way to serve him without his flying off the handle. I think he is going to be furious as he just keeps saying I'm very selfish in not giving him a chance ( yet again) I have a whole thread in relationships about it all.

He sent me an email this week saying he was going to send everything to hell and lose the plot, no idea what he means. He has debt so cannot leave the ME until its paid.

He has asked me for the passports for me and the dc to cancel our visas - do I have to send them? I don't want to as I think he might take the children out of the UK.

And I'm worried about his reaction to me serving him, what can I expect? He does have his name on the house, but has never lived here.

Any advice much appreciated:)

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 30/08/2014 22:05

It is all about the shit advice and the wetness - good grief! I had not picked up on that he stayed with you at her advice.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 30/08/2014 22:09

I am planning to file Monday and have to transfer money - she wants a thousand to cover filing and extra costs. How do I change lawyers midstream now and what on earth do I say? They are a law firm familiar with international divorce however I am a bit at her mediation approach as it makes me wobble more iyswim. She said I couldn't stop him entering the house as he is on the deeds but the other lawyer said not to open the door ( he doesn't have a key) and call the police even if he isn't kicking the door in. Just say he is causing a disturbance and you want him removed.

I feel as though the second lawyer thinks I'm an idiot and too soft. Its war, as far as he is concerned, and I don't want there to be a war. I don't want to go in guns blazing, if there's no need:( both friend and second lawyer seem to think that's the best option with him.

She says we have it discuss how to serve him papers and plans to do it via email. He's going to go absolutely mental. I'm a bit scared he will come to the UK tbh and not go back, although he has debt there and the bank could be tipped off. He is convinced I am having an affair ( I'm not)

Do I hold off filing or send the money to file only then change lawyers? I must file before he does as if he gets in first it won't be a divorce under British law, but sharia.

OP posts:

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 30/08/2014 22:09

You have it in writing that he is going to "send everything to hell and lose the plot" and your lawyer is advising you to let him stay and you should be be amicable? Well, clearly she won't have to work as hard if it's all amicable, which would be nice for her, but she won't be getting paid anyhow if your ex has his way.

Fire her, and hire someone who will send your ex to hell.

CariadsDarling · 30/08/2014 22:11

I can see why she said to let him stay. I suspect it was along the lines of keep your friends close and your enemies closer due to the fact there was a danger he tried to take off back to the ME with the children and where the Hague Convention on child abduction is not recognised, and where the husband would more than likely be awarded custody of the children if he were to try and start divorce proceedings there.

The fact the husband is in the ME adds an extra dimension to these goings on and I think the lawyer is being unfairly hammered by people who may not be aware of how complicated this situation is.

PacificDogwood · 30/08/2014 22:12

He's a bully.

Yes, he may well go mental - you call 999; don't hesitate, do it.
He may respond to firm boundaries being in place, but no doubt will have a hissy fit first to see if you can be swayed.

Could you let her file, pay her -off--, tell her her services are no longer required and hire the Nasty Lawyer? I know nothing about the practicalities of all this.

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 30/08/2014 22:12

Um, it is war, whether you like it or not - your ex has declared war. You should show his email to your local police, tell them you are concerned for your safety should he return, and ask them to make a note on file. And absolutely never open the door to this guy, but phone the police. They don't take threatening behaviour lightly.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 30/08/2014 22:17

The lawyer I have did annoy me actually - dh has just landed a huge contract and I told her as it means he's less likely to run and live here and make my life a misery. She was impressed with it and said so.

I dont think she likes me really-( I don't want to be her friend btw, am needy but not that needy) she didn't tell me to document when he was here, it was a poster on mn that said to. She now says that's v good as if we end up in court she can use it.

OP posts:

Coughle · 30/08/2014 22:18

Call the second lawyer, say you want to switch to him and ask his advice on the best way to go about that. Obviously check with mn first before taking his advice

CariadsDarling · 30/08/2014 22:18

Re serving the papers - how is he to know whats in a courier package? For all he knows it could be the passports he's waiting for.

You could send it to his office - its where he wanted the passports sent.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 30/08/2014 22:19

The police said they can't do anything unless he does something:(

They said I was responsible for my own personal safety.

OP posts:

ShitStickSugar · 30/08/2014 22:19

I argee. Change lawyers to someone who will kick some arse for you!

AdoraBell · 30/08/2014 22:19

And he "doesn't realise" that you are serious because in his head he has told you that you will not divorce him and so that's settled, which is why he now behaves as though you haven't said you want a divorce. He has decided that it won't happen. Another reason to switch lawyers and start looking after yourself in this.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 30/08/2014 22:20

cariads I know you are trying to help the OP, but actually, the rest of do understand the situation perfectly well.

I would ring Bulldog first thing Monday morning, explain that you are sorry you weren't in a strong enough position to choose him before, but that you really need his help now. Explain the situation and ask him what to do then take it from there. If he can file in time, just send her an email, tell her you have taken another course of action (you don't have to say what) and thank her for her help to date. Don't mention money, she's a lawyer - the bill will follow. If he can't file in time, he will tell you what you need to do.

PacificDogwood · 30/08/2014 22:23

Yes, the police cannot do anything until he does something, but that 'something' can be banging on your door and getting irate when you are not opening.
They cannot prevent him from entering the country or coming to the house.
It is good that they know about your situation - they are likely to take any distress call from you/your address v seriously.

Yy that war has been declared by your H - your decision is now whether to engage in combat (which he started) or capitulate.

And AdoraBell describes the psychology behind him being 'reasonably' perfectly: he's decided it's fine, so it's fine. Bully, like I said.

CariadsDarling · 30/08/2014 22:24

Lattelover, Lavenderhoney knows my background and the help Im able to offer her and why, but I will back out now and leave it to you.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 30/08/2014 22:36

Cariads there is absolutely no need to be like that. I simply said that the rest of us understand that this is complicated due to him being in the ME and all that entails.

Jux · 30/08/2014 22:36

Please go with the hard lawyer! if there is ever a time you need a lawyer who tells you how it is, it is now. You want a shark far more than you want a nice fluffy fairy.

Furthermore, the more you are able to witter and dither with your lawyer, the more expensive it will be. Forget your current lawyer, she's letting you witter and wracking up the pounds as you do so.

Get a hard bastard on your side.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 31/08/2014 07:56

I don't know what to do really. I assume the first lawyer will do her job although she is very reactive but of course that suits me as I've generally got my head in the sand. Would they offer me different advice? Why would that be? I am a bit horrified still that she didn't advise me to document his stay but when I spoke to her partner he said it was vital I had done that. I was too shocked to say she hadn't told me too and drop her in it.

Cariad, she was hoping I think to keep things amicable as he won't pay. Perhaps she thought we might reconcile. She also suggested holding off filing as he said he might send some money this week and he certainly won't if I file and serve.

The thing is, I think the promise of sending money at the same time as wanting passports is suspicious, and I don't believe he will send any.

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/08/2014 08:05

You really have to think of yourself and your children and a 'nice' solicitor who doesn't seem to know what she's doing is not what you need here.

Do as everyone has said. Phone Mr Hardball - he'll know how to switch solicitors and be able to tell you what to do.

eddielizzard · 31/08/2014 08:10

i'm afraid i'd go with mr war lawyer. you don't have to play hardball, but he will for you. your dh is an absolute arse and you can't do this softly softly stuff with him. i remember your other threads.

phone him first thing tomorrow and start that ball rolling.

string your ex along with the passports so he doesn't file for divorce his end. once he gets your papers he'll realise that the passports aren't ever coming.

PacificDogwood · 31/08/2014 09:56

Look, people change lawyers/dentists/plumbers all then time - don't over thing it.

Hire Mr Hardball and let him fight your corner - all communication through him once you've served your H with the papers. 999 on speed-dial in case is does have a temper tantrum because you dare to be assertive and take control of you situation (how v dare you ).
Surely if your lawyer (new or old) hold your passports you would not need to go through the hassle of bank deposit box/es?

Hope you have a good Sunday.

QueenOfThorns · 31/08/2014 10:34

OP, I don't have any legal knowledge whatsoever, but having read this thread, I would urge you to do what everyone else has suggested and change lawyers ASAP. You need to be fighting fire with fire, not fluffy marshmallows.

DollyTwat · 31/08/2014 12:53

I have to agree Lavendar
You need the tough sol at this point where your H is likely to be underhand and nasty. I can't believe any sol he will engage is going to have your interests at heart

Then maybe further down the line you can use the fluffy sol when the money is sorted

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 31/08/2014 15:56

This lawyer is not near me, but I don't suppose that matters does it? Otherwise the dc aren't at at school til wed and I'm back at work.
Christ, I haven't changed my will yet either. My solicitor hasn't even suggested that I do that:(

OP posts:

wingcommandergallic · 31/08/2014 16:08

She doesn't really sound on the ball.

Not a problem to change solicitors. I should think you fire her and just pay for the work already done.

As well as the will, you need to check life insurance policies. Not suggesting Ex will try to bump you off but just in case the worst happens! I think it would be a good idea to have a clear plan in place for who will look after your children.

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