Dh wants passports of me and the dc

[lavenderhoney]

I left my dh and returned to the UK at the beginning of the year and am hoping to file for divorce this week and then serve him papers as he lives in the Middle East ( he is European)

He refuses to accept I want a divorce and the lawyer has asked me to discuss the best way to serve him without his flying off the handle. I think he is going to be furious as he just keeps saying I'm very selfish in not giving him a chance ( yet again) I have a whole thread in relationships about it all.

He sent me an email this week saying he was going to send everything to hell and lose the plot, no idea what he means. He has debt so cannot leave the ME until its paid.

He has asked me for the passports for me and the dc to cancel our visas - do I have to send them? I don't want to as I think he might take the children out of the UK.

And I'm worried about his reaction to me serving him, what can I expect? He does have his name on the house, but has never lived here.

Any advice much appreciated:)

[AdoraBell]

I would also put the passports somewhere safe out of the house before he arrives for his next visit. Do not rely on him not turning up just because he doesn't bother to Skype.

Get a safe deposit box at a bank, another at a second bank. Passports in bank number 1, key to that box in bank number 2 and that key to someone you can trust not to be intimidated into handing it over should he ask.

I am aware that I may sound alarmist but he's told he is going to do something drastic and I'm assuming he's not the kind of person to tolerate being ignored or defied well.

[lavenderhoney]

He is currently pretending everything is ok which I find bizarre and ignore. I can't sleep for worry. He clearly wants the passports and has promised to send money next week. The lawyer says file, wait for money, then serve- she says to delay by any means agreeing to return passports until I have filed as if he files first it will be a disaster.

[AdoraBell]

Is there any reason to delay filling?

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

and again at your lawyer, she sounds a bit wet. Thank god you have MN as well! Have you considered a different one?

I'm not surprised you are stressed and not sleeping - I'm worried for you. These men are just a law unto their own :(

Don't send the passports at all, ever I don't know what she's on about 'delaying' for, just don't send them, at all, ever.

Other than get the best lawyer I could and post on here, I'm not sure what I'd do, I'm not sure what can be done - but I know I'd be making a right nuscience of myself at the embassy, the police etc. I would want advice from all of them :(

[lavenderhoney]

The police said don't file until he'd gone back to the ME in case he freaks.

My lawyer is a bit wet, tbh, and very much a calm and amicable approach which is nice if your dh is the same. I do have in mind another but he is very aggressive in his approach which scares me as I'm very much a denial/ head in sand ( no joke) person.

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

So, now he has gone back what do you need to do to file?

I think a male, who is 'very aggressive' in his approach, is a far better option than a woman, especially one who is a bit wet!

You need someone who isn't like you

[HappySunflower]

Get passports and birth certificates out if the house and into the safe keeping of your legal representative. That way at least you know they ar safe.
Does he have keys to your home?
If so, get the locks changed.

Can you move house?

I would be so tempted to up sticks and move completely and have contact organised through a supervised contact centre.

[ememem84]

Yes to passports in safe deposit boxes. Not with your bank though.

Open account with minimal amount at new bank. Then get safe deposit box.

Or lodge passports in safe keeping at law firm.

Do you have friends who live in different part of the country? Could you courier passports to them for safe keeping?

Go with aggressive male lawyer. I don't know if h is from ME but I would suspect aggressive male lawyer would have more impact than female lawyer

[CariadsDarling]

Lavenderhoney, we've spoken before, but I was recognised in real life so had to change names.

You are right to be wary - for sure you do not have to send the kids passports for visas to be cancelled.

All that will happen is that the company he works for will give him a headache due to administrative issues and after about 6 months it will all be put to bed immigration wise.

Do not send the passports. There is no need, unless you one day plan to go on holiday to where you have been living. My guess it Was the UAE or Bahrain - no need to confirm that though.

[CariadsDarling]

Had a nosey around and the only thing that would happen if you don't cancel your visa is that in future it would be difficult for you to go back to where you were before coming home. Would that bother you?

There is also the fact that the visa will expire anyway once you have been gone for a certain length of time, plus there is an expiry date on it so its going to expire soon anyway.

This is an admin issue and nothing else - it just makes it all tidy for your husbands employer immigration wise, and immigration, if you have it cancelled officially.

And presumably you would one day have to have a new passport, as would your children, would it have the same number as the one it has now, and would the local authorities know that you once left the ME without cancelling your visa?

I think not.

[CariadsDarling]

Oh and staying outside of the UAE for longer than six months would appear to cancel the residency automatically.

[CariadsDarling]

If that is relevant to where you were living.

[lavenderhoney]

I'm in the UK. Dh is in the ME.

He skyped the dc today and was very angry with me when I said I didn't see why they had to go as they would expire anyway tomorrow. I said I would call and check with here as there was no point spending the money to send via courier if no need. He got a bit red in the face and argumentative. He says HR insist they have them immediately. I tried not to laugh. He is not the kind of person who gives a damm about HR rules and admin normally so to see him do this was quite odd. Also, he refused to confirm the po box ( I've forgotten it) as the lawyer needs it. He wanted me to send to his work instead.

It was interesting to see his reaction to my prudence with money as he has refused to send money for a few months to support the dc as I won't give him online access to my bank account as he wants to see what I'm spending it on. I've told him ages ago it goes on rent, food, clothes, car etc etc. I won't be itemising out my spend as he has asked.

[lavenderhoney]

Latte, that made me smile. The lawyer I have is a bit like me, and I have to say the other one is just the type of person I avoid.

He certainly wouldn't put up with me faffing about and dithering. The type who makes a decision and gets on with it, and bugger anyone who doesn't like it/ procrastinates and gets in his way. Or doesn't like him. He doesn't waste words either and certainly doesn't beat about the bush. I suppose in his favour he saw straight through my long and emotionally indulgent ( not tears just reasoning re divorce and thought process) whereas this one lets me ramble on and wobble about.

The one I didn't take was so firm and straight in with the nastiest and most sharklike advice he scared me off. I would like it all to be amicable and nice:(

[PacificDogwood]

You would like it to be amicable and nice, but does your H?

I think, reading this, you need a lawyer more like your H: devious and cunning, with a bit of noise and bluster to intimidate the other side when necessary. Have those hideous tools at your disposition, not just your H's.
You need to make looking out for your DCs' interest and your own your priority, NOT being 'nice'. Nice is very much overrated and only ever expected from women. Stop aiming for nice and aim for 'realistic'.

No wonder you are stressed.

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

I didn't actually mean it quite as harshly as that. You had said she was a bit like you earlier on, I didn't mean you were wet, honest The other lawyer might be the sort of person you avoid normally, but this might be a good time to get over that! You need a bloody good lawyer, not a counsellor - well you might need one of them as well, I think I'd need an entire troop of them by now - but in your lawyer you need a LAWYER, one with a bit of something about him!

Sweetheart, you would like it to be all amicable and nice, your stbexh is not going to let that happen :( You have to get a bit of fight about you, I really think you should reconsider the lawyer.

Even if you didn't mind sending the passports (which you DO as it would be very stupid) - why should you? What do YOU gain out of it ( even if they weren't expiring anyway)?

Why not say to him that you tried at the post office and they wont do a recorded delivery to a work address, it has to be a home address?!

Well done you for standing up to him regarding not sending your banking details. I remember you saying before that he had asked. (We used to talk quite a lot, I'm a namechanger too - sorry x)

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

x-post :)

[BlackbirdOnTheWire]

Most lawyers charge by the hour. If your lawyer lets you "ramble on and wobble about", what you mean is that she's charging you for your wobbling about. Go for someone nasty. I've no experience of divorce but plenty of the City and I'd go for someone ruthless every time I wanted a result. They get the job done. You want to be paying for someone who's good at the job, not someone you think you might be friends with.

Good luck and no way hand those passports over. Or indeed anything else.

[BlackbirdOnTheWire]

Sorry, realise I don't sound very sympathetic either. I am, honest, just quite a bit ruthless myself, and honestly, in your position I'd be wanting to make XH sweat.

[lavenderhoney]

He doesn't actually know I plan to go ahead and divorce as he gets so angry. I did say I thought it was for the best when he was here to see the dc a week ago, but he launched into such a tirade of accusation and " he's done nothing wrong, its all for the family" I dropped the subject. He now behaves as though everything is ok. - well, not ok as I don't do as he asks and won't engage and give him yet another chance.

I have just realised on describing the lawyer I didn't go with, I have described my dear friend whom I had a sporadic email correspondence with, who realised something was wrong last year, just before my dm died, insisted on knowing what and has been so supportive and given me advice daily ever since. They live in the USA so its all been email and text, but I have just horrified myself at realising I have been taking their advice and they are exactly like the lawyer I didn't go for.

To have two of them making me do things- the lawyer I am with said I should let him stay during his visit and try and be amicable, whereas the one I didn't hire and my friend were incandescent he would even expect me to put him up:(

Although tbh I'd probably be still in the ME and putting up with it if it wasn't for my friend nagging and making me realise how shit it was:(

[AdoraBell]

YYY to using the aggressive male lawyer. We respect female professionals but that doesn't mean your lawyer will be seen as anything other than a lowly woman by her ME opposite number.

[VegasIsBest]

Dear OP
This sounds like a terrible situation for you to be in. I agree with the posters suggesting that you need a tougher lawyer on your side. Pay separate for Counselling if you want to talk about how you feel. From a lawyer, you don't need sympathy. You need someone who will assertively and clearly defend you and your children in a very difficult situation.

Regarding the latest skype request and issues about PO boxes etc. I wouldn't even go down the route of discussing addresses as it suggests you may send the passports. If this comes up again why not just say 'that won't be possible' and refer any questions to your lawyer.

It sounds like it isn't your nature to be tough like this. Would it help to think that you are defending your children - which would make most mums very tough indeed if the situation arises.

Good luck with all this.

[CariadsDarling]

I can believe HR is insisting they have them - but you are under no obligation whatsoever to give them to the HR dept. It really is very much a case of them having to suck it up and go through the procedures in place for when this kind of thing happens - people leaving without cancelling visas.

You're husband is just going to tell HR the truth - my wife and family left and won't be back due to the breakdown of our marriage, you will not be getting the passports - and neither will I ;)

[morethanpotatoprints]

OP

I am worried about you too, please get the nasty lawyer to act on your behalf. I know you want to be nice and I haven't read your other thread but can see just from your posts here that he isn't a reasonable man.
He is going to try hard to mess your life up and not meaning to frighten you but I'm sure he is trying to take the children.
Please be careful, have you thought of moving so he can't contact you at all. I know that's a drastic step but it sounds like he isn't going to give in easily.

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

the lawyer I am with said I should let him stay during his visit and try and be amicable

OK, look, whatever you are paying her, it's too much. Fucking hell, I thought you must have done that against your lawyers advice, not because of it. Jesus wept.



Fire 'wet' and hire 'with balls'. Please!

It's not even about her being a woman now, it's also about completely shit advice :(