Dh wants passports of me and the dc

[lavenderhoney]

I left my dh and returned to the UK at the beginning of the year and am hoping to file for divorce this week and then serve him papers as he lives in the Middle East ( he is European)

He refuses to accept I want a divorce and the lawyer has asked me to discuss the best way to serve him without his flying off the handle. I think he is going to be furious as he just keeps saying I'm very selfish in not giving him a chance ( yet again) I have a whole thread in relationships about it all.

He sent me an email this week saying he was going to send everything to hell and lose the plot, no idea what he means. He has debt so cannot leave the ME until its paid.

He has asked me for the passports for me and the dc to cancel our visas - do I have to send them? I don't want to as I think he might take the children out of the UK.

And I'm worried about his reaction to me serving him, what can I expect? He does have his name on the house, but has never lived here.

Any advice much appreciated:)

[Fannydabbydozey]

Pease can you find a lawyer with experience of dealing with the ME. My good friend hasn't seen her daughter in years because she didn't see the danger signs with her husband. Her ex used their daughter as a way of causing as much pain possible to my friend. Her ex is a british citizen fully exploiting the rules of the UAE to make her life an absolute misery.

Don't scan the passports, please contact the passport office and put them on alert as many other posters have suggested. This is serious stuff and you need a serious lawyer to take the bull by the horns. I'd worry that he is trying to obtain passport copies from where he is. You need to get that alert done ASAP. If he's very devious he could get scanned copies from his HR or even the schools/nurseries they attended (if I remember rightly my HR had several scanned copies of my family's passports when we lived there, plus the school had a couple - one that went with the application and another when they were properly registered)

You lived there. You know how the law is skewed in the man's favour. It also makes some men behave like they are masters of the universe, able to refuse this and that as if they are law gods. You HAVE to divorce him from the UK and you have to stop being so nice. You know this. It no longer matters what he wants and you don't have to do what he wants, only what you agree to.

[TwinkleDust]

Hooray for no second chances.

Didn't your children exhibit signs of distress last time he 'visited'..? Does your solicitor think 'it might be nicer for the children' for them to go through that again then?

Your solicitor is not the right person for your needs. i.e. She is shite. Sorry :-( you need to imagine what the worse case scenario outcome could be for you and your children, and use that to focus your energy and strategies.

[mummytime]

You solicitor sounds a bit crap sorry. "lawyer says it might be nicer for the children" That is not the kind of thing I'd want any half decent lawyer saying.

[lavenderhoney]

I've been very honest with my solicitor. She tells me that during this period there is no legal way to manage things, ie child access, so it's really up to me how I deal with it.

He doesn't want the dc. He told me this week I can have full PR, he just wants to take them for a month each summer to Europe to stay with their grandmother as she wants to see them and care for them. She speaks no English and is nearly 70. Dd was hospitalised this week with an asthma attack and as before, he is disinterested and continues to hassle me about getting all the numbers together so he can check them. I have been off work caring for her and spent a few sleepless nights at hospital. He hasn't asked anything.

He also refuses to commit to any financial maintenance figures and being where he is, is outside jusrisdiction. My lawyer says this is quite promising he says he will try to as he doesn't have to.

Currently he is calling endlessly for closure and I am ignoring him. I can't afford to send everything to the lawyer and he hasn't yet acknowledge the serving of papers as he doesn't agree with english law. And I won't give him a second chance.

He wants to stay with me for a week christmas and lawyer says it might be nicer for the children. I have said he can't stay but he is busy asking the dc if he can watch TV with them etc.

[TwinkleDust]

He may be trying to establish dual citizenship. That will mean he can get passports.

Do you have confidence in your solicitor ..?

The point being, by now you should feel okay with passing on this sort of hassle to your solicitor to either deal with, or, for them advise necessary actions.

TBH, from your posts I think either you haven't been completely open with your solicitor (thus skewing the advice they will give) - or - they are not combative enough for your circumstances.

It's a hell of a gamble to remain purely reactive to events.

If your solicitor is less than shit hot for your (and your children's) needs, then get rid. Ask around for recommendations, particularly with international experience. As it is, you are running a high risk of 'regrets with hindsight' that will continue to plague you for a long time.

[lavenderhoney]

No, they don't have dual citizenship, and I have no idea if they can now.
There is an admin rule re cancelling visas but they have expired anyway. It's red tape, for me. Plus he doesn't want mine!

He says to ds he is coming at Christmas and will stay in a hotel and will be taking them out for Christmas. I overheard and interrupted to say please talk to me first before making promises to the dc." He ignored me. He has always worked christmas before and certainly never involved himself at all. I have no idea of his plans, his flights etc.

I don't know what to do about this. He will stay in a hotel and of course it's nicer for the dc for him to use the house but it's going to be very awkward. And we don't talk at all. It's all very acrimonious. I can see I will have to suck it up for the dc. He just assumes what he has suggested re settlement will happen and that's it. He still refuses to acknowledge a UK divorce.
Is this something I would talk to the solicitor about? How do I manage it?

[TwinkleDust]

Do they have/could he obtain, duel-citizenship?
Does he really need this to cancel the visas..?
You're uncomfortable for a reason.

[AdoraBell]

You are uncomfortable because deep down you know you can't trust him. Don't send them.

[lavenderhoney]

Thx! He has renewed his request for me to send scanned copies of the dc passports to him to cancel visas. Not mine, as well this time. I'm uncomfortable doing this and I don't really know why?

[Simile]

Also, stop writing and speaking to him. He's looking to push you to agreeing to things in his favour and he's doing this by bullying you. It's hard to put that distance between you at first but, believe me, it will get much, much easier.

Then you will look at him ranting, all you will hear is blah, blah, blah, me-me-me, blah, blah, blah, me-me-me, and you'll think "what a cock"!

[Simile]

Is there a University near you that has law courses? I've just applied for help with my divorce to the law society at the University where I'm studying. They offer free advice as it will be two law students overseen by a solicitor. They have a really good reputation. I don't know whether they just take on students studying at the university, and it's not guaranteed they'll take a case on, but perhaps worth a look?

[mummytime]

Contact is arranged for the good of the children, not the parents and definitely not the extended family. Keep a diary, write notes on what it is like when he has contact, and when he has contact and what forms. Keep records of what he says, such as he'd get his mother to look after them.

STOP engaging with him. But keep gathering the evidence, if possible get someone else to filter the emails etc.

He will not get a court to say he has all the holidays.

[Redhead11]

DO NOT let him take your children outside the UK - at any point! Make sure that your solicitor understands clearly that he would not bring them back. Stop engaging with him - let your lawyer talk to his! I tried being nice during my divorce and wish now that i had gone to another lawyer i know, who has a reputation for being tough, and not used my perfectly nice family lawyer. I hate confrontation, but had to be firm with my solicitor, who would have allowed me to sign a separation agreement that didn't include a provision for child support . Ignore what he wants - who cares. Make sure that he cannot enter your home by getting the locks changed if you have not already done this. Alert the passport office so that your DC cannot leave the country without you and cannot get new passports requested by him.

I wish you all the best as you go through this hideous problem. Keep strong - we're all with you!

[lavenderhoney]

He doesn't want the do full time. He is way too busy with his life and knows it. He was so bored this year with them for 2 weeks. That's why he wants them with his DM, so he can play disney dad and not do cooking, day to day care. That's never been his thing, he has never even put them to bed. Nor has she- she doesn't speak English. None of his family do.

[mummytime]

You need to stop paying attention to what he says. This is the only power he has over you.
He is totally ignorant of the laws, and may well not be listening to anyone with real knowledge, just living in his entitled bubble.

You need to contact the passport office to prevent new passports being issued without your permission. You need to contact the police to inform them that you are concerned incase your Ex tries to take your children overseas without your/the courts permission. This document might help

[lavenderhoney]

You're right. He's been liquidating assets and says the assets he bought to the marriage are not part of any financial settlement and the money has gone anyway. He feigns foreign ignorance. He emailed my solicotr to tell her she's wasted her time the divorce will be carried out in his country of origin

He wants the dc for the whole of the summer hols in europe going forward. can't help thinking it's like being married still - I do all the day to day care alone and he just wants the fun times. Oh, and his dm will do all the day to day care.

He sent me loads of emails detailing his and my new life then said its not to late to stop this.

[AdoraBell]

He isn't being stupid at the moment. He is being arrogant at the moment.

As already said you really need to use your solicitor for the financial aspect as well as the actual divorce.

[lavenderhoney]

Yes, my draft suggestion of finances split has been met with " forwarded to my solicitor"

He insists we divorce from his country of origin not the UK. I've filed and served and even my lawyer has written to him in exasperation. He refuses to agree and seems to be being taken for a ride by his lawyer who tells him he can do this.

He doesn't want to discuss child access but go straight to court to tell his story. He is a high earning professional and seems to be downright stupid at the moment.

I can see why people don't divorce.

[TwinkleDust]

You can't afford NOT to use a solicitor. I don't just mean in terms of financial outcomes.

Did you ever look up the freedom programmes? www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

At some point, you will be divorced and no longer legally tied to him.

But, you also need to move forward towards a point where psychologically you are no longer in this state of enmeshment. Can you see how tied to him you still are in this respect?

[DollyTwat]

Lavendar I think you Must use your sol for the finances. He's going to screw you over if you don't
Get your sol to check everything before you agree

[lavenderhoney]

I rather think he is recording me tbh, he was very pleased with himself. I won't talk again anyway, he knows how to upset me.

I am trying to keep everything on email. I can't afford to use the solicitor for trying to sort finances, it's too expensive.

[Hulababy]

Recording SKYPE calls

On Windows PC: community.skype.com/t5/Windows-desktop-client/How-to-record-Skype-video-calls-on-windows-PC/td-p/250

On PC or MAC: support.skype.com/en/faq/FA12395/how-can-i-record-my-skype-calls

On iPad: itunes.apple.com/gb/app/skyrecorder/id497637807?mt=8

[Hulababy]

Do everything via solicitor, and if he does contact you directly make sure you record each time and date, and what was said. Keep any written communication such as texts and emails. Also note down dates and ties of DC's upsets such as night terrors. etc.

Don't engage with him anymore. Just refer him to your solicitor.

[MexicanSpringtime]

Dh says even if they cry and miss me it will be good for them and good for me to know as then I will regret the divorce Whao, just whao

Do protect your children from their father, OP, please, by every means possible. What parent would say that?