Dh wants passports of me and the dc

[lavenderhoney]

I left my dh and returned to the UK at the beginning of the year and am hoping to file for divorce this week and then serve him papers as he lives in the Middle East ( he is European)

He refuses to accept I want a divorce and the lawyer has asked me to discuss the best way to serve him without his flying off the handle. I think he is going to be furious as he just keeps saying I'm very selfish in not giving him a chance ( yet again) I have a whole thread in relationships about it all.

He sent me an email this week saying he was going to send everything to hell and lose the plot, no idea what he means. He has debt so cannot leave the ME until its paid.

He has asked me for the passports for me and the dc to cancel our visas - do I have to send them? I don't want to as I think he might take the children out of the UK.

And I'm worried about his reaction to me serving him, what can I expect? He does have his name on the house, but has never lived here.

Any advice much appreciated:)

[Waltons]

I am a bit horrified still that she didn't advise me to document his stay but when I spoke to her partner he said it was vital I had done that. I was too shocked to say she hadn't told me too and drop her in it.

An alternative to firing the current lady might be to call the other Partner, who appears to be far more on the ball. Discuss your concerns with him in confidence, mention the above point, tell him that you are thinking of changing to a more hard-line solicitor and ask if he would be willing to take your case on instead of Ms Fluffy Marshmallows.

Listen to what he has to say about how he would approach the situation, and take time to consider what he says.

I'm not certain of the current professional etiquette but based on past experience, there shouldn't be a problem, provided that neither solicitor objects to the arrangement.

You can then leave her Partner to deal with it, and send a sweet and grateful email to Ms FM once it is sorted.

[lavenderhoney]

I wasn't talking about life insurance

I meant to ensure that my assets go to the children with a trustee not to him as my spouse!

I feel very uncomfortable with talking about my solicitor to the partner. She has decades of experience and I think she just has a collaborative approach which is what I would prefer. Perhaps if he gets nasty she will as well.

[DollyTwat]

My solicitor was a bit like yours. He never went for the throat even when I thought it was necessary. I did once speak out in court as I felt my situation hadn't been out across at all
He was very supportive but seemed to think the courts don't like an aggressive apiroach

[lavenderhoney]

The lawyer I had in a mind can't take on the case and I spoke to another one who said they would charge me a lot of money ( over £10k) which I don't have. They also told me I wasn't protecting the children properly and upset me quite a lot.

I will call my original one tomorrow and up the ante a bit to see what she says. I can't faff anymore and I have to file ASAP.

[PacificDogwood]

Do you think it's a possibility that your current lawyer is picking up 'let's keep it amicable'-vibes from you??

In that case you could tell her to become more active (rather than reactive) to protect your and your children's interests, rather than pussyfooting around your H and his temper tantrums.

I cannot see a problem with changing lawyers though.

Good luck with that phone call tomorrow.

[lavenderhoney]

Pacific, you're right, I think. I have said I want everything to be amicable and she is definitely not a bossy person who thinks its their way or no way.

I told her something I have done recently which I was pretty ashamed of, but protected my assets. She was silent for ages and I braced myself but she was amazed I felt like that and said it was the right thing to do in my circumstances. I was quite surprised as I'm terrified of dh finding out I've done it. She said that was the least of my worries, and he was a very tricky person.

[PacificDogwood]

Tricky person - pffffffffffft

[lavenderhoney]

Pacific, what do you mean?:)

[TwinkleDust]

"tricky person"= polite professional speak for "devious, underhand, manipulative, will play dirty so be aware of the reality"

I think your solicitor needs very specific instructions/permission from you to do whatever is necessary to ensure your children's well-being and your own best interests. Telling her that you want everything to be amicable in your circumstances is not helpful or enabling her to do her job to full capacity. It can't be amicable; he is a "tricky person" - this is what she is trying to tell you.

[Jux]

Tell her to go for the throat. If she still seems apathetic and nice, and you're not having to hold her back, then switch to the scary man.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Found your thread and caught up. Glad the visas have just expired. What planet does he think you're on. Unfortunately he will have seen your effort for the children's sake this summer as weakness. However had you not at least tried H could have claimed you were preventing him from seeing his DCs, and you might have wondered 'what if' and you can say to any lawyer who suggests further amicable overtures in future, "No thanks, this approach does not work with a man like him".

So sorry DS is back to bed-wetting.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Go with the lawyer that is not the same personality as yours. Sorry, but I think you ARE too soft, and you need someone that is not afraid to fight your corner. YOU may want it to be amicable, but if he doesn't (and he's shown fairly clearly that he's not adverse to dirty tactics) then you MUST be equipped to fight it - and that means a shit hot lawyer that is not afraid and will not back down.

Second thought - I realise it sounds a bit sexist, but I think that your ex will regard a male lawyer as more of a threat than the female lawyer, which means he may actually stop and think before he flings shit your direction. And it may not sound important, but it is.

Change your will. Do it now. Change the beneficiary on your life insurance if he is listed as beneficiary.

You need to stop worrying about being amicable... and start protecting yourself and your finances.

[PacificDogwood]

Apologies, it was a bit flippant to blow a raspberry at the 'tricky person' - it was late, is my only excuse

What I meant is what TwinkleDust took the time to answer properly.
It does not matter whether he is the most reasonable person on this planet (which clearly he is not), but actions speak louder than words and whether he is 'tricky' or amicable (he isn't) your first duty is to your children and yourself. 'Tricky' does NOT mean 'must be handles with kid gloves', on the contrary: it may well imply 'does not hesitate to deploy dirty tactics'. This makes it even more important that somebody with experience and know-how has your corner.

Please give your lawyer 'permission' to drop the amicable and see if she will be a bit more forceful. If she isn't, then change to male Mr Shark (and I agree, gender wrt your lawyer will likely play a role too - annoying, but often a fact).

[lavenderhoney]

I say " tricky" too:) but I usually mean someone who is a bit difficult.

My lawyer has revealed her underbelly and she is going to be fine. I had a chat with her and explained and she was great, so that's one less stressor for me.

[CariadsDarling]

Lavender, Im glad you spoke to your lawyer and you now feel re-assured.

Sadly, your reality is that whilst your husband is abroad there is no way he can be forced to pay you maintenance. Yes, he will told what he has to pay you but if he decides you're not getting it then you won't. He is abroad, his salary is abroad, and thats where it will stay because thats just the way it is. The ME is full of Expat men living our their days away from home so they don't have to give their wives/family the financial support they were supposed to give because the Uk does not have REMO arrangements in place with the country your husband is in.

You've said he has debts so you know the chances of him being able to come back to the UK are slim unless he finds a way to pay them off. You know how it is there. The system is set up so that once people start the admin procedure to relocate other things then automatically fall into place admin wise and unless he just upped and disappeared in the middle of the night he is not going to be able to leave the ME without clearing his debts. If he does try he will be flagged up at immigration and the minute he tries to leave permanently he will be stopped and arrested at the airport. So while he may be forced to stay there till he clears his debts - it also means that as long as he has to stay there you will go without maintenance. He won't be able to come back and work in the UK where you can get your hands on what is yours and your girls.

As much as it may go against the grain, you and your lawyer are going to have to play a very canny game. You need your husband to accept what's happening and accept gracefully he should be paying maintenance for his children. You do not need him to be seriously pissed off because of brute force lawyers tactics and for him to decide to hell with that, she can whistle for it and whistle she will because there is no way she can get her hands on any money I earn whilst I'm here.

There is also the aspect of the girls going on holiday to him in the future if its decided in the Uk that you have to send them because he has stayed where he is. You need him to feel on side enough to send them back to you because again, if he doesn't, there is next to nothing you can do about it.

Im sorry you are in this situation.

[TwinkleDust]

Unfortunately he is a tricky person, with form. So I disagree with CariadsDarling; pacifying an abuser is a short-term gain and long-term hell.

What I do agree with is that you should expect no maintenance. If he can't be made to meet his responsibilities then it is unlikely that he will. I expect your solicitor is aware of that scenario and will be planning accordingly however.

Lavender you know your current situation, the history, and whether your solicitor's advice is now making more sense. Potential visits abroad are a long way down the line, if at all. You can only deal with the situation one step at a time, don't fall back into that unproductive circle of trying to predict every possible permutation and end up paralysing yourself again.

[CariadsDarling]

I didn't suggest she pacify her husband.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Cariads as an outsider looking in I would say no matter whether OP's legal team are fierce or soft, while he lashes out in injured pride or ego, the H here is a law unto himself. No point in playing nicey, nicey, he ramped up the tension very early on.

[CariadsDarling]

I didn't suggest they play nicely nicely.

I suggested they play a canny game.

There is a vast difference between the two.

And that said, I believe the OP knows enough about my background to understand my post.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

No offence intended.

[CariadsDarling]

None taken :)

Im just at pains to point out Im not suggesting she play nicely or pacify her husband, and that Lavender knows enough about me and my life experience to know its not what Im suggesting.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

We're all on the same side aren't we - wish Lavender didn't have to endure this.

[lavenderhoney]

I just hope it all runs smoothly now. Thanks for all the posts helping with this:)

[Sister77]

Hi op I have de lurked just yo say hope everything's ok, been watching your thread with worry

[lavenderhoney]

A little update- I've filed so now I just have to serve. Not sure whether to tell him first or just have him served.