Ex refusing use of the term “step-mum”

[Iamadaddoinghisbest]

Hi everyone,
this is my first post, so really hoping for some helpful responses here…

I met my current partner (now wife) 18 months ago and we got married a couple of months ago, around 12 months after getting engaged.
we moved in together around 6 months after initially meeting and made sure to integrate my 6yo daughter into the process to make sure she felt able to discuss any concerns and feel included.
My daughter stays with us 3 nights per week and is very happy in her home life with us.

My ex partner (mother to my daughter) has, since the beginning, expressed continual disapproval of our relationship and at numerous occasions attempted to control how we live in our house:
-commenting on where we do our shopping
-dictating routines in our house
-insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear
-involving my daughter in communications to me “tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes” etc
-constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after (on a number of occasions) telling her I don’t want us to message each-other other than on handover days or in an emergency.
-insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter.

Currently she is now insisting that we cannot use the term “step-mum” or any other variant (bonus mum, extra mum etc) that implies the use of the word mother for my wife.
My wife and I have never pressured my daughter to use any of these terms and at all points explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with. She wants to say Step-Mum because she has friends who also have step step parents so we have just allowed it.

Her mum is insistent that this is forbidden and even told my daughter “just because Daddy & xxx are married doesn’t mean that she is your step mum” and offered no explanation to her.

My daughter came to me to discuss this and was clearly confused and upset and now if the opinion that my wife isn’t actually part of the family but just a “friend” of mine.

Looking for some opinions on this.
My wife is legally my daughters step-mum so I don’t feel she has any right to contest anything here regardless of whether she likes it or not.

This is so tough - a couple of choices here -

Go on the offensive and most likely make it much worse particularly for your daughter

Try and work on the underlying issue with your ex. I wonder if she is has underlying concerns she is being replaced etc - so it's her insecurities coming out. Can you help reassure your ex she is always going to be the child's mother - that role doesn't get replaced.

Communication though does need to be sorted out - it's so not fair using the child as a go between.

I am a step mother by the way. Not married to the father but actually the mum in my family actively encouraged the title to make it easier for the child to understand: the mum in this case wants the best for her daughter and that can include lots of adults loving and caring for her child.

Your ex-partner is clearly struggling to come to terms with the change in circumstances. As there is a joint child involved, there cannot be a 'clean' break.
There may also be some jealousy (you are now married but didn't marry her, happily moved on etc).
It sounds as though she may need some counselling for her to move forwards, instead of trying to get at you through DD. She is potentially causing a lot of damage to DD.
May also need to be some joint family counselling work/psychologist as to how you can all best support this precious little girl. Boundaries in place etc.....
We are obviously only getting one side of the story but bottom line is current set up isn't working and needs to change before anymore harm is done to DD.

And you got all that from OPs posts! Wow!

OP said he was separated from his daughters mum for 3 years before getting into a new relationship, that is not too soon.

ive seen people have an affair. Leave the married home, divorced and married the next month! Now that’s too soon, not the OPs situation.

it sounds to me that the ex has a reasonable income. He mentions she has 6-figure savings and the OP is on benefits. Maybe they didn't get married because the ex knew that in the event of a split, she would be worse off.

Nah it's because OP is a man. There are many , many similar threads with the sexes reversed. And the conclusion is always that the other parent is controlling, abusive etc.

People always take the OP at face value. Unless it's a man, in which case he must've done something wrong! And people still need to find ways to erm justify what the ex is doing.

I'm actually wondering if this is somewhat of a reverse it's such a classic. Higher income ex, instigated the split still trying to control etc. except in this case it's the woman.

The responses here are wild.

Your ex is being super unreasonable, and is not respecting your daughter’s wishes. Go to mediation, this will get worse as she gets older and her mum will escalate the attempts to bad mouth you to her. Your daughter has chosen the term step mum to define a relationship, it’s one that is familiar to her.

Yes you've definitely moved too fast. Particularly for your daughter to process (and it seem your ex but that isn't really your issue).

I'd certainly have reservations about someone who had been around for such a short period of time.

Family mediation would be good - try and sit down with someone independent and agree what is best for your child (and everyone else needs to mould around that)

Your wife is indeed your daughters step mother, in the same way your are her father. That doesn't mean anyone has to like or dislike it but that is a fact.

oh please - terrible advice like 'you don't have to listen to your ex' = yeah don't listen to her if you are happy to have a terrible relationship with her for life.

This is just not the collaborative, mediation based approach that ANY expert would advise.

I personally wouldn’t use step mum day to day if the word mum is emotive and hurtful to your ex. I don’t know why that’s hard to understand in this forum. It’s emotive and not necessarily rationale but that’s just how things are sometimes.

there is a difference here clearly between your child’s mother and your current wife. I would explain to your daughter that legally who your wife is and the title but explain she has one mother who is xxx. But xxx (name of your wife) is part of your life and cares for you etc.

wherher your ex is crazy or petty I can’t judge. forgetting to send back clothes and making her do mental load for you sounds annoying. And then if you are limiting contact wi her there is no where to discuss the daily operations /logistics of your child. I would go to a mediator to confirm how you communicate and responsibilities. I’d find that frustrating.

personally I would make sure you don’t use your ex for mental load. Only you know how competent you are at all that. But if you are being unreliable on that front then improve and she’ll probably calm down. Defo mediation.

So you left your ex when your daughter was a baby.

The OP's DD chooses to use the term - to describe her dad's wife to other kids.
It doesn't matter how hurt the ex is, she needs to get over herself instead of confusing a small child.
Also ex is an adult it's never OK to weaponise a child no matter how hurt etc she feels.

Read his posts- it was his ex who wanted to split.

Um, no.
She ended the relationship whilst having an emotional affair with one of her ex’s when DD was 3yo.

@Iamadaddoinghisbest your ex needs
fi wind her neck in. You have remarried (far be it from me to point out that it’s been very fast and thar might be what’s driving your ex’s extreme reaction)

Your job needs to be to support your daughter in using the name SHE chooses for your wife.

And stop pandering to all the other nonsense. The only person who gets hurt in that is your daughter.

Make it clear that you will not entertain
any efforts by your ex to dictate what happens in your own home and family.

Do what you can to make sure the breakdown of communication between you and your ex doesn't put a burden on your daughter. It's confusing (and factually incorrect) for your ex to say that your wife isn't your daughter's stepmother, but I'd try not to make a big deal of it. if it comes up again, just say perhaps Mum isn't used to the new relationships yet since the marriage is so new and suggest your daughter say 'Xxx' instead of 'my stepmum' in front of her mum for now? If you're breezy about it - not dismissive, but not giving it too much importance either - she'll be much less likely to worry or dwell on it.

Once parents split up, assuming there's no grounds to contest joint custody or take legal action to keep the child out of an unsafe situation, one parent has no control over what the other parent does during "their" time except what they can exert through a good working relationship with the ex - which ideally both exes are motivated to maintain for the sake of the child. If there's really no way for you and your ex to restore functional communication between you - leaving your daughter out of disagreements or differences of opinion that she's too young to understand and that might distress her - then a mediator is probably a good idea. I'd approach the ex directly and be as straightforward as possible - no blame, no rehashing history, just 'can we try to establish a stable baseline of communication between us about matters that impact (Daughter's Name), or shall we look into mediation?'

Fucking hell, you’re reaching like mad today!! Aren’t you tired?

Read the OPs updates, all of them. Like the one where he says his ex was having an emotional affair. And then take a day off!

You said you left her three years ago.

Your DD is four.

That means she was 1 when you left.

His DD is 6.

Ah okay.
Sorry OP.
I got that wrong.

Some of the responses here are very classic MN. OP you’re basically going to be seen as the devil incarnate by some of the posters here because you’re a man, no matter what you say.
Personally I do not subscribe to the idea that your relationship is ‘too fast’, literally no one here knows your relationship but you, and regardless it’s irrelevant now as it’s a done deal.
Your ex sounds pretty controlling, whatever her motivations. The simple answer is that if you’re getting nowhere by trying to talk it out with her yourself, you need a 3rd party involved.
Her way of dealing with you & your new wife is going to damage your daughters relationships with everyone if left unchecked for too long.
Good luck

Your ex loathes you for cheating and dumping her with the kid.

She’s weaponised DD to hurt you.

Ex doesn’t think your marriage will last. She’s probably right.

Yep, mediation and parenting classes.

Where did the OP say he cheated?

His ex had an emotional affair, he left. Then 3 years later he met his current wife. How did he cheat and dump her with a kid?

Dictionary definition of step mother - the woman married to someone’s biological mother but who is not their biological mother

Your wife is your daughter’s step mother - it is just fact

You moved way too fast and the terms bonus mum, extra mum are bad.

Nevertheless for better or worse you are now married and your ex can't dictate what your DD calls your wife in your house. Step mum seems fine.

I'm fairly sure a child will understand "Emma is Daddy's new wife, so yes she is your step mum. But mum is you actual mum so the name mum is just for her, and you call Emma, Emma." Certainly my step children have never been confused or weaponised by this. I love them dearly, but I have no right to the title mum and wouldn't dream of upsetting the woman who has, even if I didn't much care for her.