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Original poster

Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

565 replies

Dylan222 · 02/03/2023 23:23

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

OP posts:
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7
lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 15:20

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ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 15:22

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/03/2023 15:16

Oops. Name change fail?Wink

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wtf you on about?

lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 15:22

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User4891 · 03/03/2023 15:22

OP I have no idea whether your child has ASD/ADHD. I can tell you though that based on what you've said that what is likely to be being far more detrimental to the child's wellbeing and development is the fact that neither you or his mum are able to grow up and stop point scoring with each other long enough to do what's right for him. It doesn't sound like the mum is seeking this diagnosis maliciously. Is it really a hill you want to die on? I think you both need to grow up and concentrate more on meeting this child's emotional needs. This means you not picking petty fights and mum not witholding access to a loving father. You both need to grow up. The neurodiversity (if there is any) doesn't seem to be massively affecting his ability to function, the emotional damage he's being subjected to definitely is...

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 15:23

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😂😂 You think I'm the op? hahahaha report me you loon.

findmeonthesunnyside · 03/03/2023 15:23

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SharonKaren · 03/03/2023 15:24

C4ou56 · 03/03/2023 14:52

What benefit fraud has been committed? You can apply for DLA without an assessment, therefore, if mum has applied for this stating she believes the son has ADHD and is autistic she hasn’t done anything wrong. If DLA has been awarded and there is no evidence from school the gov must respect the ADOS assessment.

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Really? I had no idea. I thought one would need to provide some medical proof in the form of a diagnosis, (e.g. not an opinion or belief) to get disability allowance. So anyone can just go to the authorities and say, hey I believe my kid has adhd and that's ok? I'm not being sarcastic, i genuinely did not know this was the reality of obtaining benefits this way.

lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 15:24

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 15:23

😂😂 You think I'm the op? hahahaha report me you loon.

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Re-read your post at 15.03.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/03/2023 15:24

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lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 15:25

SharonKaren · 03/03/2023 15:24

Really? I had no idea. I thought one would need to provide some medical proof in the form of a diagnosis, (e.g. not an opinion or belief) to get disability allowance. So anyone can just go to the authorities and say, hey I believe my kid has adhd and that's ok? I'm not being sarcastic, i genuinely did not know this was the reality of obtaining benefits this way.

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No they have to be professional reports.

Many professional reports are done prior to diagnosis which considers all of the reports and any other assessments.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/03/2023 15:25

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ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 15:27

Are you all really that thick? read the post I was replying to, read the full quote. I simply answered the question I was asked which was where did I get that information from so I posted where I got that information from. Jesus wept you are all bonkers.

HERE FFS

www.mumsnet.com/talk/dadsnet/4696992-alternative-to-non-molestation-order

knittingaddict · 03/03/2023 15:27

OldFan · 03/03/2023 14:57

For those saying maybe he has it, his mum shouldn't be telling him he has it until he's diagnosed with it (and then maybe only when it could be appropriate.)

As he hasn't been diagnosed with it then it's not something he needs to think about yet (and might never have to if he's found not to have it.)

The op himself said he had a diagnosis on his other thread.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 15:28

Ive been on Mumsnet for 15+ years, I dont do name changes, seriously if You think I'm the op then report me, Im sure MNHQ could do with a giggle.

SharonKaren · 03/03/2023 15:28

lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 15:25

No they have to be professional reports.

Many professional reports are done prior to diagnosis which considers all of the reports and any other assessments.

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so a professional report is not a diagnosis, but is some sort of pre-assessment, is that the case? as in, this test that can be filled in at the doctors without seeing or talking to the child?

lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 15:32

SharonKaren · 03/03/2023 15:28

so a professional report is not a diagnosis, but is some sort of pre-assessment, is that the case? as in, this test that can be filled in at the doctors without seeing or talking to the child?

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Sharon I'm not sure what test you are talking about. I can only talk about my own situation .

Prior to my son's formal diagnosis he was assessed by Occupational Therapy and Speech and Language Therapy. Those reports did not diagnose but they set out his difficulties in detail. They along with an observation by way of an ADOS assessment and quetsions we were asked as parents all formed the information that went to the diagnosis panel for autism.

I was able to apply for DLA before the diagnosis because the individual reports clearly demonstrated the needs for which he needs support.

The OP is claiming that their child wasn't seen. This is definitely untrue as an ADOS assessment, which the child has is an observation and face to face assessment of the child. During covid sometimes this took place over zoom.

No one is getting benefits on the basis of the parents word. No one.

DrBlackbird · 03/03/2023 15:32

@Dylan222 there’s been some great advice here on how to talk to and be with your DS. That’s what you say you want help with in your original post.

However lots of your replies are super focused on your ex and the list of her putative wrongdoings.

If what you really want is advice about how to talk to your son go back and reread that advice. Especially @RoseslnTheHospital @notangelinajolie and @crosstalk

You mention having ASD traits. One of them is a tendency to obsessive thoughts / rumination. As well as rigid or fixed thinking. Perhaps your ex does have issues, but she may be right about your DS. Isn’t now the time to stop fixating on her and instead step away from this thread and reflect on the great advice you’ve been given on how to be with your DS?

knittingaddict · 03/03/2023 15:33

Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 15:07

his mother applied for an ‘opinion’, not a diagnosis, but has been stating since the assessment that he has been ‘diagnosed’, which I thought was the case, however the private doctor has recently stated that she only provided an opinion as was requested by his mum and ‘did not diagnose’ my son.

So how was a score of 17 given if no proper assessment was made? Makes no sense.

JustKeepBuilding · 03/03/2023 15:33

SharonKaren · 03/03/2023 15:24

Really? I had no idea. I thought one would need to provide some medical proof in the form of a diagnosis, (e.g. not an opinion or belief) to get disability allowance. So anyone can just go to the authorities and say, hey I believe my kid has adhd and that's ok? I'm not being sarcastic, i genuinely did not know this was the reality of obtaining benefits this way.

Show quote history

As has already been said on this thread, you don’t need a diagnosis to receive DLA. You do need evidence of needs to support your claims, but that doesn’t have to be a diagnosis. The evidence could be e.g. clinic letters, copies of GP or hospital notes, referral letters…

lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 15:34

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 15:27

Are you all really that thick? read the post I was replying to, read the full quote. I simply answered the question I was asked which was where did I get that information from so I posted where I got that information from. Jesus wept you are all bonkers.

HERE FFS

www.mumsnet.com/talk/dadsnet/4696992-alternative-to-non-molestation-order

why didn't you put it in quotations marks and explain that you were quoting from another thread.

That would be more usual, rather than lifting words and using them as though they were your own.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/03/2023 15:36

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 15:28

Ive been on Mumsnet for 15+ years, I dont do name changes, seriously if You think I'm the op then report me, Im sure MNHQ could do with a giggle.

Apologies, I stand corrected, but why didn't you just link in the first place, or at least provide some comment to your post to make it clear that you were quoting?

newpotatoesalad · 03/03/2023 15:36

If you knew so much about the disorder you allege your ex suffers from- you'd know it's called Factious Disorder formally (but still occasionally) known as Munchausen Syndrome or Munchausens by proxy if directed towards another person usually a child.

What exactly did you manage in the NHS? You are familiar with the DSM but unfamiliar with the actual terminology.

fairydust11 · 03/03/2023 15:36

Op - I’ve only skim read this, so someone might have already asked you - but why don’t you take him for a private assessment when he is with you (as you say his mum refuses) then you would know categorically if he does or does not have adhd and autism?

Once you have a clear diagnosis- either way - not an opinion, a diagnosis from a specialist dr, you will know for sure and I am sure they would be able to help you as to where you go from there. If a specialist does not think he has these issues, you will have something in writing which would help your case and son if needed. Good luck.

SharonKaren · 03/03/2023 15:42

Thanks guys - yes I meant the ADOS questionnaire when I said "test". I see now what you are saying, this ADOS is needed to apply (and granted?) for a DLA, but a formal diagnosis is not needed.
For an ADOS the child must be seen and observed. The OP is saying this hasn't happened but the child has been assessed by ADOS only with the parent's word. Which you are saying cannot happen. I guess this is the point of claiming OP is lying here. Either the pp who say ADOS can't happen without seeing the child are not aware it can, or the OP is lying or unaware of what really happened. Are you OP?

it would be really helpful if someone who actually conducts these tests can chip in here...

Silkierabbit · 03/03/2023 15:45

We've had an ADOS done in hospital for DS without child being seen and autism diagnosis was given but they did need to get a specialist team in from Great Ormond Street to do it this way. It did include reports from us, hospital observations and school observations and before he was hospitalised we were told no way cahms could do it without him participating.