She won’t let me see my son!

[bakerjd93]

Hi there all.

This is so hard for me to write. I am so tired and exhausted, and had so much stress over this. I’m 27, and was with my ex for just over a year at Christmas. We got together last April, conceived in the June. My son was born on 16th April of this year, and i wasn’t allowed at the birth, she wanted her ‘mum’ instead. She kept saying she couldn’t wait to be a mum, and constantly said she wanted children, as did I. I felt like I was used as a spermdoner really, and I felt like now she’s blocked me off all social media, all phones, that it just solidifies my beliefs.

She won’t let me see my son now, under any circumstance, apparently she is engaging with mediator whom I paid for, but I fear she will ‘drag that out’. I just want to see my son, I am breaking down over this, and she said doesn’t want me on the birth certificate even. She isn’t a british national as I am, she is from South Africa, but lives here in uk.

She is now ignoring my calls, and doesn’t send pictures of him anymore. What can I do? I have a 30 minute consultation with family lawyer on the 9th, but, is there any way for this situation to favour me? I am so stressed. I constantly give her money for the baby, silently. Nothing I did or have done is ever good enough. She said I could see him on Saturday, but she is using covid as excuse. If I go to her house, she will ‘ring the police’. Help! Is what she’s doing legal? Running out ideas, and suffering a lot! Any ideas?

Joshua

Hi, I am not a lawyer but I hope you get some helpful advice on the 9th.

I think that you will get this sorted. If mediation isn't successful you will be provided with a document from the mediator stating that it didn't work. You can then go to court at that stage. Have you had your initial individual appointment with the mediator?

You might be advised to get a "child arrangements order" in place through the courts but again, I'm not a lawyer.

I can understand you feel desperate about it all but try not to. Your baby is very tiny and at this stage it is mainly their mums they need. Also it would be normal for a woman to want her mum or a friend during the birth rather than an ex. It is a time of vulnerability. You will be able to strike up a bond with your child regardless of whether you were there at the birth or the first few months.

You are doing the right thing by supporting your baby financially.

Good luck with it all.

Just to add, it's not a good idea to be calling her or saying you will go to her house. She might very reasonably find that threatening and it could come across as harassment.

What about setting up a specific email address for communicating about your son and asking her to please send you updates and photos to that address when she has the time. That makes it a more neutral environment.

are you 100% certain you're the dad? That may be why she's ghosting you?

Thank you boxofshapes, I just want him to know who I am. She rubs it in my face, you know, she says ‘I just want to bond with man son’ well what about MY bond with him. Will try not to think too much! I am, to a fault, an emotional person.

Please don’t talk like that. The boy is 100% mine, he is the spitting image.

Well, she was sending pictures of my son to me, and she stopped when she had an argument with my mum, and made my mum cry. So now the pictures have stopped.

May I also add, I’ve never met her parents in all my time I’ve known her, nor any part of her family, yet she has met mine.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought it may be something worth considering given her behavior?

Do you have any mutual friends who could, for the moment, agree to mediate so that you can see your son?

It’s fine. And no, I don’t, but professional mediation is happening. But I want her to engage, not drag it out and play games with them.

When you give her money make sure you send it a way it can be traced like bank transfer, then if she tries to claim money from you and back dates it you can prove you already paid!

Fingers crossed it all turns out well for you

Op, it's only prudent to do a DNA test to make absolutely sure this child is yours. It's not a suggestion to take personally. Aside from that, you need a solicitor to handle this for you.

Do not go to her home, do not engage in name calling or making threats. If you do make contact, remain cordial and keep the focus on how your son is doing. Don't lose hope.

You need to apply to have your name on the birth certificate. This has to be done through the courts if she will not agree. From that you can have jointboarental responsibility. This has to be your priority, as she could take the child back to SA without your permission if you don't have parental responsibility. Keep a record of all the money you pay, do it through bank transfers rather than cash so she can't say you're unhavent paid her anything. You can calculate how much you should be paying here www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

You need to take a step back.

She gave birth less than 8 weeks ago.
Giving birth is a difficult thing. It takes time to recover and add to that she has a newborn to look after do you really think you or your mum pressuring her is the right thing?

Yes you do have a right to be in your sons life but you do not have the right to harass his mother.
You need to do this the right way.

Be kind and very patient. Show her that what matters is your sons needs not your wants.

Right now your son doesnt need you and he doesnt need to bond with you. He needs his mother. The best way to meet his needs is to support his mum.

I understand how awful this must be for you but you are not going to have an easy time if all you do is demand and think of yourself.

was with my ex for just over a year at Christmas. We got together last April, conceived in the June. My son was born on 16th April of this year

These dates don’t match up. Unless she was 3 weeks overdue! If you conceived baby on, let’s say, 30th of June at the latest, her due date will have been the 3rd week in March. What was the due date? Are you sure it was June you conceived and not July?

(Also being together over a year at Christmas but you only got together last April?)

You could say that you want to pay her child support through the CMS? That would mean that you would have to be on the birth certificate, I would think.

No you don’t have to be named on the birth certificate to pay through CMS.

@GlitterToast

You could say that you want to pay her child support through the CMS? That would mean that you would have to be on the birth certificate, I would think.

This isn't correct. The legal obligation to pay maintenance (by CMS or otherwise) is distinct from the matter of having legal parental responsibility

@LastRoloIsMine

You need to take a step back.

She gave birth less than 8 weeks ago.
Giving birth is a difficult thing. It takes time to recover and add to that she has a newborn to look after do you really think you or your mum pressuring her is the right thing?

Yes you do have a right to be in your sons life but you do not have the right to harass his mother.
You need to do this the right way.

Be kind and very patient. Show her that what matters is your sons needs not your wants.

Right now your son doesnt need you and he doesnt need to bond with you. He needs his mother. The best way to meet his needs is to support his mum.

I understand how awful this must be for you but you are not going to have an easy time if all you do is demand and think of yourself.

This post puts things so well.

Engage with the mediation and take things one step and a time. Even if it's extremely frustrating, try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Rather than thinking she is "dragging it out", consider she is an exhausted new mother. You will get this sorted, but it will take a little time.

What matters most of all to you, I am sure, is your son's happiness and wellbeing. At this stage of his life, that's entirely bound up with his mother's happiness and wellbeing. A stressful situation will jeopardise that for her.

OP are you in the birth certificate? If not have you applied for parental responsibility? I think that should be your priority.
I really hope you get to see your son soon, she’s being very selfish, a child has the right to bond with both parents.
Don’t go near her house uninvited though you need to keep your nose squeaky clean in case this ends up in court.

Your dates don't match. You need to get a DNA test.

Everyone that’s saying ‘oh she needs time!’ She’s HAD time okay?? She knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s said she’d ring the police if I ever tried to see my son, I wasn’t allowed to touch his feet or anything when I saw him last time. It’s past any ‘time’ or ‘patience’ it’s bigger than that now. It’s now become a very dangerous situation for me, because all I’ve wanted to be is a good dad and to love my child. It’s possesion on her part, me me me. So I wondered if there was a shortcut to speed up mediation and just take it to court as quickly as possible.

Have you ever given birth OP?

It’s now become a very dangerous situation for me, because all I’ve wanted to be is a good dad and to love my child.

This is dangerous how? How exactly is this 'dangerous'? Why do you need a 'shortcut' to gain access to this child (who might not be yours, your dates don't match up).

There's no shortcut and quite frankly, your obsession isn't going to stand you in good stead legally.

Oh no one on here likes men OP. They are always at fault and women are always the victim.

Honestly I would save your energy and do a lot of online research and maybe join a more friendly and approachable forum for men.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

And no OP hasn't given birth because he is a man. And get over it, I've done it 3.times. It's not that bad.