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Original poster

She won’t let me see my son!

140 replies

bakerjd93 · 05/06/2020 22:01

Hi there all.

This is so hard for me to write. I am so tired and exhausted, and had so much stress over this. I’m 27, and was with my ex for just over a year at Christmas. We got together last April, conceived in the June. My son was born on 16th April of this year, and i wasn’t allowed at the birth, she wanted her ‘mum’ instead. She kept saying she couldn’t wait to be a mum, and constantly said she wanted children, as did I. I felt like I was used as a spermdoner really, and I felt like now she’s blocked me off all social media, all phones, that it just solidifies my beliefs.

She won’t let me see my son now, under any circumstance, apparently she is engaging with mediator whom I paid for, but I fear she will ‘drag that out’. I just want to see my son, I am breaking down over this, and she said doesn’t want me on the birth certificate even. She isn’t a british national as I am, she is from South Africa, but lives here in uk.

She is now ignoring my calls, and doesn’t send pictures of him anymore. What can I do? I have a 30 minute consultation with family lawyer on the 9th, but, is there any way for this situation to favour me? I am so stressed. I constantly give her money for the baby, silently. Nothing I did or have done is ever good enough. She said I could see him on Saturday, but she is using covid as excuse. If I go to her house, she will ‘ring the police’. Help! Is what she’s doing legal? Running out ideas, and suffering a lot! Any ideas?

Joshua

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 06/06/2020 20:20

The same people on here bashing a guy comparing that he can’t see his son are the same ones who complain when a father doesn’t care about their child smh

How on earth do you know that? Are you keeping a spreadsheet?

FWIW I’m a member of plenty of single parents groups. The general consensus from those of us actually living this shit is that you can’t make someone want to see his DCs. If you have a feckless ex who won’t pay his way you go through CMS but you can’t do anything to make them spend time with the DCs.

As the mother, we’re usually the ones left holding the baby, literally and figuratively. We’re the ones taking the knock in terms of career progression, pension contributions, social life etc.

So the fact that we are also the ones who get to make the big decisions about who is present at the birth, and who spends time with the baby during the first few weeks (especially during a pandemic!) seems fitting tbh.

strugglingwithdeciding · 06/06/2020 21:08

@last he has a right to get to a know his son as well
Mn is so double standards of a man was keeping a child from a mother all uproar would break
He's the child's father and wants to be involved , we want equal rights and rightly so then it has to work both ways , we can't pick and choose

LastRoloIsMine · 06/06/2020 21:11

Actually we can pick and choose if the other parent is abusive or a risk and the OP is not coming across well on this thread so I can only imagine how his attitude transfers in to real life.

MexicanStyle · 06/06/2020 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RuffleCrow · 06/06/2020 21:18

What aren't you telling us Joshua? There's a lot missing here. Parenting alone is relentlesd and few women would choose single motherhood without a very good reason. Hopefully it will all come out in court, if it gets to that stage.

thenightsky · 06/06/2020 21:23

Dates don't add up.

roxfox · 06/06/2020 21:25

Hi OP. I recently gave birth and have a strong attachment to my little one however everyone saying you don't need to bond is full of shit. My husband would not cope at all if I had taken our daughter from him like this.

I don't have any legal advice as I've not been in this position however, I'm sorry to say I think this woman intends to take your child. She isn't allowing you to bond and you've not met her family, perhaps she conceived intentionally and this was always her plan. I'd recommend seeing a counsellor to help you cope with whatever happens next. I'm so sad this is happening to you, and your family.

I'd suggest not treating this like a normal situation. Get a DNA as others have suggested - not saying the child isn't yours, just that proof will help you - also don't keep evidence trails of everything, money, contact requests and things you've done. Anything she says.

Don't risk upsetting her as she sounds like she's waiting for an excuse to call the police.

Best of luck op, so sorry for what you're going through

Louise91417 · 06/06/2020 21:27

Theres always 3 sides to a story..his..hers and the truth..

strugglingwithdeciding · 06/06/2020 21:38

@last but we don't know he's abusive and there are lots of women who deny their kids swing their fathers for no real reason and that is wrong and as women we want equal rights , why shouldn't a responsible father have rights to his child as well
Op if you can afford it I would go down the legal route that's the only way to resolve it ,

Oswin · 06/06/2020 21:40

What did your ex and mother argue about?

Anotherchangeanothername · 06/06/2020 21:42

Good news is South African borders are closed.
How long has her mum been here? When is she planning on going back?
@disorganisedsecretsquirrel though South Africa has signed they don’t actually enforce the abduction Thingy.

LastRoloIsMine · 06/06/2020 21:46

Well from the OP the mum did allow him to see the child ( he says he wasnt allowed to touch the babies feet but given covid not surprising) she sent regular pictures and agreed to mediation. Seems she was very reasonable about contact so why has she suddenly withdrawn it?

I strongly suspect given the OPs attitude that he and his mum were harassing her for more contact possibly overnights hence why she has gone no contact with him. If the way he has spoken on this thread is any indication then why should the mum put up with that just because he is the babies father.

strugglingwithdeciding · 06/06/2020 21:47

Such double standards here
It took two to make the baby and unless he is violent /abusing etc then there is no valid reason to deny him seeing his baby
If you want a baby with no father then use a sperm donor
I have a friend who was in a similar situation and he hasn't seen his child for years yet he pays maintenance but he has no idea where they are as she moved away , there was no history of abuse just she didn't want him anymore and decided that also for their child , but is happy to take his money
He can't afford to take it to court
How is this equal rights or is it only when it suits , does a child not shave the right to know both parents (unless abusive or a danger )

strugglingwithdeciding · 06/06/2020 21:50

Her wanting her mum at birth though is understandable and her right as her that's going through it at that stage

LunchBoxPolice · 06/06/2020 22:09

was with my ex for just over a year at Christmas. We got together last April, conceived in the June

Doesn’t make any sense.

BoxOfShapes · 06/06/2020 22:24

@strugglingwithdeciding has your friend considered representing himself at court? This commonly happens, and then there is just the application fee itself to pay.

Most posters on here are not saying he should not see the baby. They are commenting on the timing, and saying not to harass a new mother in what is the early stages, instead prioritising the needs of his son in the fourth trimester whilst calmly engaging with mediation (and if necessary also court) to make a plan for the future.

Moreover, the OP's language and accounts suggest abuse and aggression are a far from remote possibility in this situation. Comments expressing offence at the ex's mother being present at the birth rather than him also suggest a sense of entitlement and selfishness and can also be indicators of abuse.

LochJessMonster · 06/06/2020 22:33

Ah MN, the place full of manhaters and double standards.

Wow the hypocrisy on here is astounding! It's not " her" baby it's their baby! It's not her decision this 100%

You need to get contact legally through the courts though and I would definitely suggest getting a court to put your name on the birth certificate (after a DNA test) - that’s very important down the line.

m0therofdragons · 06/06/2020 22:41

Stay calm and keep your cool at all times no matter how hard. Don’t give her anything to use against you. Giving birth 8 weeks ago isn’t a reason to withhold a dc from their father! Mnet pisses me off so much sometimes. Give it time and use a lawyer. You will bond so don’t worry about that. And I repeat, in public and in written messages remain calm. Save emotional outbursts for private moments.

LastRoloIsMine · 06/06/2020 22:55

Ah MN, the place full of manhaters and double standards.

Yes of course any women that refuse to put up with aggressive demanding men must all be men haters

Do you know how ridiculous you sound?

LochJessMonster · 06/06/2020 22:58

Probably as ridiculous as those posters saying it’s unreasonable for a Dad to be upset at not being allowed to see his 8 week old baby.
‘Mother needs time to adjust’ is no excuse to stop a father seeing his baby.

LastRoloIsMine · 06/06/2020 23:07

Probably as ridiculous as those posters saying it’s unreasonable for a Dad to be upset at not being allowed to see his 8 week old baby.

Nobody has said that.
People have sympathized with him being upset and have said its understandable. What poster have said is to sort out his aggressive and demanding behaviour.

Mother needs time to adjust’ is no excuse to stop a father seeing his baby.

Again nobody has said it is.
What we have said is that she had a baby 8 weeks ago during a lockdown. He needs to understand that making demands of her and harassing her will make things worse for him.

Seems you are reading a different thread....or just twisting this one to fit in with your man hating slur.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 06/06/2020 23:11

And I repeat, in public and in written messages remain calm. Save emotional outbursts for private moments

Jeez! I thought the PP who advised against giving an abusive man tips to abuse his ex was far off the mark. But that comment. Fuck me. That’s horrendous!

LilyMarshall · 06/06/2020 23:12

Nothing new to add. Your conception date can’t be right. More likely second half of july. Court to be added to bc and dna test needed.

Also, have you thought about what you actually want to achieve? What contact you want at this stage.

m0therofdragons · 07/06/2020 00:35

@MarkRuffaloCrumble I’ve seen the other side; man emotional due to woman refusing access to dc after she had an affair and om left her. She told lots of lies of abuse and used emotional messages against her ex which mean he’s now no longer able to see the dc. I’ve seen abuse and would never condone it but I’ve also seen a manipulative and abusive woman make up stories. If someone kept my dc from me I’d be emotional and would probably act out of character but when a man does this he’s abusive? I’ve seen this in action. Who wouldn’t be emotional when wanting to see their dc but all communications with the mum needs to be polite despite the frustration he feels. There’s a difference between abusive and frustrated and upset. If the mum is looking for a way to shut him out then my advice is to behave as rationally as possible. I’ve no reason to believe the op is abusive.

LastRoloIsMine · 07/06/2020 00:54

I’ve no reason to believe the op is abusive.

I have no reason to believe he is not. In fact his attitude and tone on this thread point more to him being aggressive and therefore abusive than not.

Nobody is labelling emotional behaviour abusive we are saying abuse is abuse and whether you like it or not some of us can tell the difference.

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