She won’t let me see my son!

[bakerjd93]

Hi there all.

This is so hard for me to write. I am so tired and exhausted, and had so much stress over this. I’m 27, and was with my ex for just over a year at Christmas. We got together last April, conceived in the June. My son was born on 16th April of this year, and i wasn’t allowed at the birth, she wanted her ‘mum’ instead. She kept saying she couldn’t wait to be a mum, and constantly said she wanted children, as did I. I felt like I was used as a spermdoner really, and I felt like now she’s blocked me off all social media, all phones, that it just solidifies my beliefs.

She won’t let me see my son now, under any circumstance, apparently she is engaging with mediator whom I paid for, but I fear she will ‘drag that out’. I just want to see my son, I am breaking down over this, and she said doesn’t want me on the birth certificate even. She isn’t a british national as I am, she is from South Africa, but lives here in uk.

She is now ignoring my calls, and doesn’t send pictures of him anymore. What can I do? I have a 30 minute consultation with family lawyer on the 9th, but, is there any way for this situation to favour me? I am so stressed. I constantly give her money for the baby, silently. Nothing I did or have done is ever good enough. She said I could see him on Saturday, but she is using covid as excuse. If I go to her house, she will ‘ring the police’. Help! Is what she’s doing legal? Running out ideas, and suffering a lot! Any ideas?

Joshua

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

And I repeat, in public and in written messages remain calm. Save emotional outbursts for private moments

Jeez! I thought the PP who advised against giving an abusive man tips to abuse his ex was far off the mark. But that comment. Fuck me. That’s horrendous!

I wonder if by any chance "private moments" was supposed to mean moments completely alone - muffled screams into pillow type of thing.

Otherwise, I completely agree with you.

Nobody is labelling emotional behaviour abusive we are saying abuse is abuse and whether you like it or not some of us can tell the difference. Absolutely this. Just reading his posts makes my heart beat a bit faster with anxiety. I can only imagine what its like to be on the other end of his 'emotional' outbursts.

OP, I’m with you all the way brother. People on here are saying he comes across as aggressive - he’s just desperate to see his child ffs.

It is not established that it is his child and it is NOT about his desperation or anything but the best interests of the child. That is not man-hating to state that. The dates don't add up. He's aggressive and heightened, responds as such to posts and so the likelihood is that he has responded similarly to the biological mother. He is angrily seeking if there are shortcuts to gain access to the child. That is not in the best interests of the child and will be seen as such. He has shown only that his interest is in gaining access to the child. A court can see this, too, they are not fools.

But continue egging him on rather than trying to talk sense into him.

There is a process in place, no shortcuts. Starting with seeking proper legal advice without a view to shortcuts and including a DNA test first and foremost.

And he still has not answered by this is 'dangerous' or 'very dangerous' at all, is there evidence the child is in danger?

Every.single.post.of.his.is.not.about.the.best.interests.of.the.child.but.about.his.access.to.the.infant. The.court.is.not.stupid.and.can.see.this.

I would just get a solicitor. Go to court, establish paternity, ask for graduated visitation starting with an hour with mom . It can always be in a public place if she wants. With an infant you are best with short, but frequent visits in the beginning.

Pay your child maintenance and keep a fund for extras because the legal requirement is laughably inadequate.

Think about your living situation and career and make sure you are setting yourself on a path to actively parent when your child is old enough to have two homes.

You really don't need a solicitor if you have nothing to hide. Really easy to do yourself. PM me if you want.

If there are drug /drink/ abuse issues. You will need a lawyer in most circumstances.

She has a TINY baby. Birth can be very traumatic. It sounds like you and your mum have harassed her. Give her a bit of space to adapt. Wow, threatening a woman with a newborn with court, Jesus wept.

Your attitude sounds horribly aggressive

OP, does she give you a reason for why you can't see your son?

Were you living together while she was pregnant? After the birth, did they come back and live with you?

I feel as if some important pieces of this puzzle are missing.

So long as you haven't behaved badly with her, you will get to see your child. It will be a process. But just try to calm down and be patient. I know that's too much to ask, but that's the only way you'll get a sensible result.

It is in your child's best interests to have both father and mother in his life, so after court process if necessary, this will be arranged. She will not have a choice in it, and indeed should not, if she has this attitude. Yes, of course your son is every bit as much your child as hers. A child shouldn't be about possession, but she is making it so.

Yes, it does feel like she's used you to have a baby. You must maintain your dignity at all times, never stoop to her level, don't panic and get a good solicitor. You could also talk to the GP you used throughout the pregnancy. What she is doing with your shared son isn't right, in my opinion.

OP your attitude towards the mother of your child is disgraceful.

Why would she want you in the hospital as her birth partner if you are no longer in a relationship with her. And remember there has only been 1 birth partner allowed during the Covid-19 pandemic (no other visitors). A birth partner is there to support a woman through one of the most vulnerable, painful and private episodes of her life. Childbirth and the immediate postpartum period are not a spectator sport. Waiting a while to see your newborn will cause absolutely no harm to you or to the baby. However, you being there, especially given your attitude, may have been traumatic for the mother.

Your attitude reeks of someone who only has his best interests at heart. Think about what the NEEDS of an 8-week-old baby are at this point.

Calm down, give the poor woman some peace as she recovers from birth and deals with all the hard slog of being the parent of a newborn (she is no doubt sleep deprived without a second to look after her own needs) and then try to build a positive relationship with her at a steady and reasonable pace. She will always be the mother of your child so some empathy and understanding towards her will be beneficial to you and your child in the long run

And as for this comment you made: Everyone that’s saying ‘oh she needs time!’ She’s HAD time okay??

You really haven’t the slightest clue or clearly desire to understand the physical, mental and emotional demands of pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum period, especially for someone doing it alone without the support of a partner. This time isn’t about YOU. The mother and the baby have important needs at this time and you have years to build a relationship with your child

@Elsiebear90

I think unfortunately you were indeed used as a sperm donor and she clearly has no intention of allowing you to be part of his life, please ignore comments on here blaming you or saying you need to back off, he is your child, you have every right to see him and have a relationship with him without being threatened, if she’s happy to take your money she should be happy to allow you to visit him. Based on what you’ve said she is 100% in the wrong here, but this is Mumsnet and for some posters men are always the villains and women are always the victims.

I would advise you to seek legal advice as unfortunately I can’t see it being resolved any other way, she’s probably hoping you will just give up after a while if she keeps making it difficult, also only give her money via bank transfer as it’s traceable and you will have proof she has received it. Communicate via email or letter as again you have proof, she can deny or fabricate anything if you communicate with telephone calls or in person. Don’t turn up at her house as she will use that against you and say you’re harassing her. I think you’re going to have play the long game here OP and go by the book so to speak.

This 100%

OP sounds aggressive and horrible. read up about the 4th trimester, and focus on what your baby needs, op. not YOUR needs.

yes, it's good and healthy to pursue this via courts so that you get to be a part of this child's life - a healthy relationship between baby and dad is ideal. however, you sound like you have tried to bully your way into the birth room, harassed a new mother, and are massively confusing giving cash for access rights, when this baby is only a few weeks old!

let cooler heads prevail - calm down, go through the courts, and stop acting so aggressively. i genuinely hope you get to see your baby again soon, simply because each baby has a right to know their parents where that relationship isn't harmful, but at the moment you're like a bull in a china shop... it's not a helpful attitude, and will only cause frustration and resentment in this dynamic.

repeat to yourself: what does my baby need? every time you get angry, or stressed, repeat it!

what does your baby NEED?

stop making this all about you.

What does your baby NEED?
... and form your plan of action around that. for now, focus on court arrangements, pay CSA, etc. and stop making this about you or even her.

I think it unwise to think that going through the courts is the quickest way to see your son at the moment courts are all back logged with cases due to covid 19 . there no magistrates just DJ and hearings are done remotely .
Average CAO before covid 19 takes around 8 w- 12m depending where you live , courts would expect you to attend mediation before applying for court otherwise you can get sent back meditation and pick up the other party legal cost for that first hearing .
For baby contact wise is little and often like an hour twice a week supervised by mum around 1years old 18M they should be having at least one over night stay ever other weekend , then by two years every other weekend , by 5 years old every other weekend , one day after school and half the hols . alternate xmas and birthdays each year .
ask the courts for a very gradual build up to shared care arrangements.
under the share care arrangements order during covid you should be still able to see your child as there legal exception that allows separated parents to do this if there is a lockdown. one tip try and remain focus on trying to get across to on maintaining and building a meaningful bond and the importance of two loving parents playing a role in a child life .
never slag the party off and remain child focus at all times and pick your battles carefully with your ex in court .