She won’t let me see my son!

[bakerjd93]

Hi there all.

This is so hard for me to write. I am so tired and exhausted, and had so much stress over this. I’m 27, and was with my ex for just over a year at Christmas. We got together last April, conceived in the June. My son was born on 16th April of this year, and i wasn’t allowed at the birth, she wanted her ‘mum’ instead. She kept saying she couldn’t wait to be a mum, and constantly said she wanted children, as did I. I felt like I was used as a spermdoner really, and I felt like now she’s blocked me off all social media, all phones, that it just solidifies my beliefs.

She won’t let me see my son now, under any circumstance, apparently she is engaging with mediator whom I paid for, but I fear she will ‘drag that out’. I just want to see my son, I am breaking down over this, and she said doesn’t want me on the birth certificate even. She isn’t a british national as I am, she is from South Africa, but lives here in uk.

She is now ignoring my calls, and doesn’t send pictures of him anymore. What can I do? I have a 30 minute consultation with family lawyer on the 9th, but, is there any way for this situation to favour me? I am so stressed. I constantly give her money for the baby, silently. Nothing I did or have done is ever good enough. She said I could see him on Saturday, but she is using covid as excuse. If I go to her house, she will ‘ring the police’. Help! Is what she’s doing legal? Running out ideas, and suffering a lot! Any ideas?

Joshua

Op, congratulations on the birth of your son.

There are a lot of wise words here. Eight weeks is nothing in terms of recovering from birth. Your ex has had a baby in the middle of a pandemic, she is probably scared, her hormones are all over the place, she possibly isn’t getting the support from health visitors that she should, and all the register offices are still shut.

Of course she wanted her mum at the birth, it is a stressful & vulnerable time. It isn’t a spectator sport.

So you do need to take a deep breath. Mediation is under way. It will take a week or two. If it fails you then go to court for an access order. Request a dna test, prove paternity and apply to be added to the birth certificate.
Stay calm and polite, and the court will probably grant you access for an hour or so every couple of days. But you have be nice. Don’t go to her house, don’t get cross. The only thing that matters at the moment is the safety & well being of your son.
Think about isolating as much as possible so you can show, in court, how careful you have been.

I know this is stressful for you too but you have 18 years of co-parenting ahead of you. You need to play the long game calmly and patiently. It will all get sorted eventually.

Everyone that’s saying ‘oh she needs time!’ She’s HAD time okay??

A birth in April is not compatible with a claim that she's had time. You are coming across as aggressive. This may also be your ex's impression of you.

Do go to mediation, and court if necessary, and get this sorted professionally. Don't be aggressive or impatient: it will not serve you or your son well.

It’s becoming glaringly obvious why this woman has decided to engage no further with you. Speaking via solicitors is far better for her emotional well-being. Which you should be prioritising given she is caring for your child.

The more you post the more I believe your ex is doing the right thing at this time.

You really do need to reign it in. If your ex has any proof of your harassment or aggression then court will not give you the result you want.

This is not about you.
It's about your son and what is best for him now and in the future. Being a good father is not just about being a physical presence in your childs life.

You need to think about your actions and attitude and change OP.

Wow. No wonder she's keeping her child away from you. You sound nasty.

You sound like an aggressive knob tbh

[quote bakerjd93]@highmarkingsnowbile oh go away, if you have nothing constructive to add, leave. Don’t need your shit big man. I mean i know what you’re so doing, and it’s just not gonna work on me, understand?[/quote]
Wow! Why the fuck are you having a go at a poster who has done nothing but give you sensible advice? Did you expect all the posters to hold your hand and tell you what a wicked woman the baby’s mother is? No one is going to do that without asking questions and giving advice. We’re not your bloody mother!

Perhaps you can't see it, but you're coming across like an aggressive bully in the way you write. If this is reflective of the way you communicate with her then I don't blame her at all.

Why would she want someone who clearly loathes her and holds her in contempt to touch her newborn, who right now is in what's known as the "fourth trimester" and needs a lot of contact with mum?

Assuming this is a real post then you HAVE to take a deep breath and start engaging maturely, or you will have zero relationship with her or the child.

No you can't speed up the court process
Not going to comment on anything else

I read your OP and felt sorry for you, but that sympathy slipped away with each of your updates until that last one which was needlessly and inexplicably nasty. I'm starting to understand why your ex is avoiding you.

At the beginning, I was totally on your side.

She is behaving in a despicable way, and you know what? The person she is hurting the most is the child. Its disgusting. That child deserves a better mother; a mother who wont play games and try to alienate a parent.

But then I saw how you speak to people who have given sensible advice. When you send her messages, what are they like? If they are at all threatening or harassing then you're really just making it harder for yourself.

Every not nice message you send will be shown in court. Is that what you want the judge to see?

It doesnt matter if you say "but she did this...", you are still sending inappropriate messages. Every time you do it, it's a point against you.

She should be dragged over hot coals for what she is doing to you, but that doesnt mean you go down to her level. You need to act with a sensible head because this is going to be a long fight, and you need to come out the other side looking like a good, sensible caring parent instead of a bullying man, ok?

Prepare yourself for the long fight. Do the mediation; do not contact her outside of the mediation unless it is advise. Follow everything your solicitor says. You need to keep your hands clean.

It's very easy for me to say that whilst I sit here with my children and you dont have yours. I know it's not fair but things in life are sometimes shit.

There is not quick way here. You are going to lose out on time with your son, but you can come out at the end with a good contact order if you make sure to keep yourself in check.

Oh look, another abusive man trying to get tips on how to more effectively harass and control a woman and her baby, and posters are so keen to prove they're not "man-haters" they're helping him. Again.

For goodness sake.

If you talk to her in the same way you’ve responded to posters on this thread, that’s why she doesn’t want you anywhere near her or her baby.

FWIW dick is plentiful, women generally don’t need to trick men into being inadvertent sperm donors - there are endless men willing to have unprotected sex if that’s what you want.

I agree with most of the other posters - you need to accept that at the moment, the bond between a mum and her newborn is the most important one. Yes, it would be lovely for you to be involved if that worked for everyone, but for some reason (by the sound of it, your bad attitude) she’d rather do 100% of the parenting without a break, than have you around. That speaks volumes. Take a step back, and imagine from the perspective of someone who’s gone through one of the most physically and emotionally draining things a human can go through, during one of the most stressful times we’ve ever known. And think, in that situation what does she need to feel secure and comfortable.

Spoiler alert, it won’t be you or your mum pushing to take the baby away from her in any way.

Come on, bit of critical thinking.

It’s now become a very dangerous situation for me, because all I’ve wanted to be is a good dad and to love my child. It’s possesion on her part, me me me.

Why it is dangerous? You do sound a bit aggressive. I get that you're frustrated, but you're going to have to try to be calm.

Maybe she did use you as a sperm donor, we don't know. But then you shouldn't have been having unprotected sex only a couple of months into a relationship...

When did you split up? Why did you split? What did she say to y I it mum to make her cry?

If I were you, I would pay her CM through CMS. Get legal advice. Take a DNA test. Engage with the mediator and ask if there's anything else you can do.

I have every sympathy with her if you’re as aggressive to her as you are on here.

She’s 8 weeks post-partum. That isn’t a lot of time. You would do better not judging her for her choices over the birth (perfectly reasonable) and acknowledging she needs more time and engage with her reasonably.

User
I only see 1 or 2 posters fully siding with the OP.
The rest have offered advice that is widely available and common sense and none of it includes ways to abuse his ex.

She should be dragged over hot coals for what she is doing to you

No, she should be taken to court.

BobbieDraper if he's shown her the side of himself he's shown on his latest posts then the baby's mother is doing absolutely the right thing. Why on earth do you want her dragged over hot coals for protecting a newborn from an aggressive, angry man who appears to lack impulse control on so many levels?

Hopefully he's not the poor mite's father, bloody hell!

You’re being very aggressive and if you act like this all the time I can see why she doesn’t want you to have contact with your son.

@SuperMedium
Because I'm giving the benefit of the doubt. This is a parent who has been declined access to their child. You can't expect rational discussion, especially when they are on an anonymous forum and possibly just venting.

My ex-MIL took my 4 month old and for a wall and disappeared with him. Refused to bring him back. I certainly wasnt rational in my messages to her.

He could be wildly abusive, or he could be at the end of his tether. Either way, he is asking for advice. And mine includes that he must moderate his behaviour and control the upset he is feeling.

But I do think it is disgusting to totally alienate a parent, and refuse to engage in mediation. And dont say that women dont do that unless there is a reason; plenty do it simply because they can.

If there are underlining issues, they will be addressed during mediation and court.

It isnt for strangers on the internet to decide someone is abusive because they've written a couple of frustrated messages whilst talking about being unable to see their child.

Wow the hypocrisy on here is astounding! It's not " her" baby it's their baby! It's not her decision to make if he wants contact with his own child!! If this was a mother complaining a man had got her pregnant and didn't want anything to do with her or the child you would all be saying how disgusting he was etc etc! OP wants to be a decent parent yet is told to back off and put up with being shut out of his child's life by a woman that very clearly used him as a sperm donor!! OP I would get a very good family law solicitor if I was in your shoes!!