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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

She won’t let me see my son!

140 replies

bakerjd93 · 05/06/2020 22:01

Hi there all.

This is so hard for me to write. I am so tired and exhausted, and had so much stress over this. I’m 27, and was with my ex for just over a year at Christmas. We got together last April, conceived in the June. My son was born on 16th April of this year, and i wasn’t allowed at the birth, she wanted her ‘mum’ instead. She kept saying she couldn’t wait to be a mum, and constantly said she wanted children, as did I. I felt like I was used as a spermdoner really, and I felt like now she’s blocked me off all social media, all phones, that it just solidifies my beliefs.

She won’t let me see my son now, under any circumstance, apparently she is engaging with mediator whom I paid for, but I fear she will ‘drag that out’. I just want to see my son, I am breaking down over this, and she said doesn’t want me on the birth certificate even. She isn’t a british national as I am, she is from South Africa, but lives here in uk.

She is now ignoring my calls, and doesn’t send pictures of him anymore. What can I do? I have a 30 minute consultation with family lawyer on the 9th, but, is there any way for this situation to favour me? I am so stressed. I constantly give her money for the baby, silently. Nothing I did or have done is ever good enough. She said I could see him on Saturday, but she is using covid as excuse. If I go to her house, she will ‘ring the police’. Help! Is what she’s doing legal? Running out ideas, and suffering a lot! Any ideas?

Joshua

OP posts:

Microwaveoven · 06/06/2020 15:09

And your dates don't match up so you need to sort this too. Did you type it wrong or is this what you have been told?

highmarkingsnowbile · 06/06/2020 15:09

And get over it, I've done it 3.times. It's not that bad.

I have given birth 3 times, too, and although it wasn't that bad for me, I have enough intelligence to realise that other people have different experiences from me .

There's been no man hating on here. Legally there's not a lot he can do other than what he is doing now. That's how it is. And it is always about the best interests of the child, not the parents, whatever sex they are .

bloodyhellsbellsx · 06/06/2020 15:14

You really need to get a DNA test, the dates don’t match up and why would she refuse to let you see the baby or have your name on the birth certificate? Hopefully you’ll get some advice at your appointment but I don’t think there’s any shortcuts in cases such as this.

Microwaveoven · 06/06/2020 15:14

It was just such a stupid, passive aggressive comment. "have you ever given birth OP" Fucking stupid.

I think this place is just pissing me off at the moment.

YgritteSnow · 06/06/2020 15:15

What's dangerous about this situation? You sound very heightened. Have you shown this to the mother?

I get you I really do, I'd be beside myself if I couldn't see my child but the only way to do this now is legally. You will get contact as long as there's no good reason for you not to have, she can't stop that, first things first you need to get yourself on the birth certificate and then take legal steps to ensure she can't leave and take him to SA.

highmarkingsnowbile · 06/06/2020 15:18

It was just such a stupid, passive aggressive comment. "have you ever given birth OP" Fucking stupid.

Well, in the respect that males cannot give birth, yes, it's a nonsensical comment.

cabbageking · 06/06/2020 15:19

Most BMDs are only registering deaths. There are thousands of new births not registered yet. Check your area and likely the birth has not been registered yet

highmarkingsnowbile · 06/06/2020 15:20

Most BMDs are only registering deaths. There are thousands of new births not registered yet. Check your area and likely the birth has not been registered yet

That matters not, she has no obligation to put him on the birth certificate as they are not married. He'll need to go to court for that, after the DNA test and pay for all of it.

SuperMedium · 06/06/2020 15:27

A 7 week old baby isn't the spitting image of anyone except Winston Churchill.

Splitsunrise · 06/06/2020 15:31

You need to get proper legal advice. Can you afford to pay for that?

Elsiebear90 · 06/06/2020 15:38

I think unfortunately you were indeed used as a sperm donor and she clearly has no intention of allowing you to be part of his life, please ignore comments on here blaming you or saying you need to back off, he is your child, you have every right to see him and have a relationship with him without being threatened, if she’s happy to take your money she should be happy to allow you to visit him. Based on what you’ve said she is 100% in the wrong here, but this is Mumsnet and for some posters men are always the villains and women are always the victims.

I would advise you to seek legal advice as unfortunately I can’t see it being resolved any other way, she’s probably hoping you will just give up after a while if she keeps making it difficult, also only give her money via bank transfer as it’s traceable and you will have proof she has received it. Communicate via email or letter as again you have proof, she can deny or fabricate anything if you communicate with telephone calls or in person. Don’t turn up at her house as she will use that against you and say you’re harassing her. I think you’re going to have play the long game here OP and go by the book so to speak.

Elieza · 06/06/2020 15:39

Go down the legal route.
Be patient.
Do nothing to jeopardise anything.
Her hormones will be messed up just now. With the help of the mediator she may come round in due course.
I know it’s hard but you must stop if you are harassing her or you will make things worse.
Pay the money from your account to hers (Not her mum or sister or anyone else, her) so it’s proof of payment.
A delay in meeting you will not affect your son. You will see him with the help of the legal system.

OffToSingapore · 06/06/2020 15:39

As a previous poster said, this place is very prejudiced against men and fathers, so probably isn’t the best place to ask. I’m not sure I can offer any helpful advice myself, but I feel it would be best to completely back away from the mother and don’t initiate any contact at all (that applies to your family members too). Deal with the situation solely through the official channels from now on. Getting a DNA test is also a good idea. You can’t tell just from looking at him that he’s your child. My biggest concern would be that the mother would leave the country and return to South Africa. Let the courts deal with the situation and do nothing to antagonise her.

DameHannahRelf · 06/06/2020 15:45

"She’s HAD time okay?? She knows exactly what she’s doing."

Tbh if this is your attitude, I can see why she's stopped engaging with you and wants mediation. You'll catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

iloverock · 06/06/2020 15:46

Issue an application online for a child arrangements order ASAP. Sod mediation it's not going to work.
The form is easy to complete. There will be a massive backlog at courts so I'd get in there quick.

orangeheater · 06/06/2020 15:49

8 weeks isn't much when it comes to 'time' after giving birth. I'm assuming you came on here to speak with other mothers who perhaps have given birth, we are trying to relay this to you.
No newborn ever was the spitting image of anyone, unless you count mine being the spitting image of a potato which she definitely was.
Court order, DNA test will fill you with relief you're on the right track. Forget mediation this is clearly not going anywhere. You deserve to have contact with your dc but patience and kindness are the way forward here. Remember to only act in the interest of your dc and not to retaliate or rise to any behaviour that upsets you.

Notnowokay · 06/06/2020 15:49

My local registration office is currently closed (Because off covid 19) and has been for a while. I gave birth on 25th April And I still can’t get one, so don’t be surprised or disbelieve her if she says she hasn’t registered baby and she hasn’t got a birth certificate. I can’t help you with anything else but congratulations on the birth of your baby and good luck sorting this out.

livingalife · 06/06/2020 15:50

As @iloverock the only way your going to see this baby is through a court order and they request a DNA test, it is going to cost you money but it is the only way to make sure the child has a consistent relationship and contact with you!

Also if you send her ANY money send it through the bank do not give her cash! You can not prove this and she will say you have paid nothing towards him!

blackcat86 · 06/06/2020 15:53

OP you are going to find this process really hard if you keep up the emotional blackmail. So what she wanted her mum (not sure why you used quotes for that as presumably it is her mum) - she barely knows you by the sound of it and needs someone to support her through a major medical experience. It's not a show or pay per view. Get legal advice (which I know you've started) and stop the martyrdom with the 'this is a dangerous situation' and I pay for the baby 'silently'. Go to the CMS and ask for their assistance in a formal arrangement. They can also support you with a DNA test which is always prudent in these situations. I'm sorry if I soubs unsympathetic - DH found himself in this situation in his early 20s and had a nervous breakdown from the stress. He now has some but not much of a relationship with his son. Had he not listened to his stupid parents who seemed to think their rights as grandparents were more important, and actually gone down a legal route he may have found he got a decent contact arrangement. Now is the time to be a smart about things. You do also need to appreciate that your ex has carried and now birthed this child so I'm sure you can understand that swooping in with a 'what about me and my bond' isnt helpful. She doesn't want to think about that right now and you may find offering reassurance rather than demands better. Also your mum needs no direct contact with her. You're a big boy you can organise your own contact. That direct contact totally backfired for my DH and lost him years of contact. I hope you get something sorted soon. You may want to prep some key questions in advance to make the best of your free 30mins. The last thing you want is to put the phone down and think 'I wish I'd asked...'

DameHannahRelf · 06/06/2020 15:55

"What's dangerous about this situation? You sound very heightened. Have you shown this to the mother?"

^This. She's a new mum, she won't be getting a lot of support with the lockdown, and is maybe terrified baby will catch the virus. Having a baby can put a lot of strain on womens mental health and well being. Too many men except the ex to cope on her own for weeks, doing all the night feeds and nappies etc, while they show up for the odd cuddle/photo op then go home thinking they've done their bit.

Not saying your like that, but if she thinks you are, then you need to show her you're not, by being understanding and patient. Also why did you break up? If you were ever abusive in any way, even emotionally, or just being bad tempered, then obviously that's going to have a bearing. And you wouldn't be likely to admit it. I've known far too many men who complain they can't see there kids, but fail to mention the bad behaviour that led to it. Again not saying you're like this, but if you don't present the right attitude to the mediators and court, you could end up with little or supervised contact.

DameHannahRelf · 06/06/2020 15:56

*expect

LastRoloIsMine · 06/06/2020 15:59

I love men. I hate arseholes.

OP You are showing immaturity and aggression. I would not want you near me or my baby either.

You want to see your son then start acting like a responsible and mature father. You do not get to decided how much time is enough to recover from birth. It's not your body that has spent 9 months growing a human and then pushing it out.

pinkyredrose · 06/06/2020 15:59

She probably doesn't want you to see him because of lockdown. How did she 'use you as a sperm donor', didn't you use a condom? Pretty silly of you didn't in a new relationship.

LastRoloIsMine · 06/06/2020 16:04

just take it to court as quickly as possible.

What would the outcome be for you?
What is it you want from court?

I ask because with a baby this young and if mum is breastfeeding contact may be only a few hours a week no overnights and you need to be prepared for that.

BeesandGees · 06/06/2020 16:25

Met in April, conceived in June....... ever thought it may be a good idea to really know who you are making a person with?
I’m not taking sides - I think you were both stupid and irresponsible. You need legal advice, not Mumsnet.

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