I need some advice.

[Bobty123]

Hi,

So I’ve been separated from my ex about 2 and half years now and have 7 yo twins.

For about the first year and half I had the kids every weekend and a day in the week.

For the last year we had a new agreement of 8 weekends and then 1 while still having the day in the week.

I’m at a point now where with work and kids I don’t feel I have that right healthy balance. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids to death but working sometimes 10 hours a day and then having them all weekend with no restbite becomes extremely tiring.

I’ve notice it within myself more and more lately I’ve become too tetchy and snap too easily because of how tired I am. Also when they wanna go out and do something or even in the house and I just don’t have the energy. And I don’t like that. I want to be happy when they’re here and for us to have fun. Not angry and tired.

I’m thinking of speaking with my ex to maybe possibly alter the arrangement to maybe something like a 4 and 1 maybe 5 and 1 with the day during week still there.

Does this seem reasonable? Or does this come across as me shunning my responsibilities to my kids? I don’t want it to come across like this or me being a bad dad and not wanting to see my kids. I’m just finding the work / kids life balance a struggle lately and I don’t want it to effect my behaviour towards my kids when they are with me.

I would much rather be spending 4/5 weekend with them in a good happy refreshed mood, rather than 4/5 good weeks and then 2/3 were in exhausted and moody.

I am also in a relationship (about year and half) which is now also feeing the strain of constant work / kids / tirednes.

Thanks for any advice.

You can’t carry on like that, you’ll end up stressed and even depressed eventually

Why don’t you do
1 weekend you
1 weekend her

Then you just keep the Tuesday after school

That way you both get a weekend every other weekend
Instead of you especially working all week then weekend with the kids for 8 weeks in a row. Madness

Why does she get the weekends free, wether you go out or not is irrelevant. Then she as them for 1 weekend
She’s having a laugh and taking the piss.

She doesn’t work, and gets 8 free weekends
No no no

You sound very reasonable.
My ExH has alternate weekends from Friday after school to 7pm Sunday and every Wednesday for tea from after school til 7pm - when he can be bothered to put DCs first.
Basically, if something "better" comes up, he has no qualms in just not turning up, or texting a half arsed excuse about why he can't have them

It used to annoy me until I realised that it is him missing out on precious time with the DCs and anytime he doesn't come, me and DP get extra weekends to do stuff with them.

Good luck sorting out OP, 8 weekends on the bounce is a LOT, so stick to your guns. Alternate weekends was suggested as usual by my divorce solicitor.

'Respected her wishes' yet looked into bringing a court case against her which sounds nothing like an amicable, mediation set up. The solicitor either gave bad advice or thought the OP wanted full residency. 'Respecting wishes' is a choice anyway, there is nothing to stop OP from parenting his children how he wants on his own time. There just isn't.

Gov.uk tells you all the info you need going forwards.

Why not just say your work pattern has changed and you must be available to work 1 weekend per month. Or even on call for the weekend. Seems easier than asking her permission or giving her the choice. Tell her when it will start and ask to have the kids tuesday and thursday after school on the week that it falls. I know its telling porkies but it would probably save all the drama. Then also she cant say to the kids dad doesnt want to have you this weekend.

I could use the solicitor and go that route but I would want to at least try to sort it between us amicably. It might be something I could mention when making the request if she continually refuses. I don’t know.

The alternative weekends doesn’t work for me as I don’t see that being enough time with my kids. I want more than the alternate weekends. Hence why I’m proposing 4 + 1. That way she still gets more ‘free time’ and I see my kids more than I would based on the normal option that a court would try to sort.

As for setting a court case against her and that not being amicable by going through mediation.... let me explain how that happened... it’s a good one... She refused any mediation when I suggested it, said she wouldn’t turn up. And all That came about due to me requesting her to have the kids 1 weekend so I could go to my friends wedding. To which she didn’t help at all. One Saturday morning she text me asking if I’ve cancelled the plans to go, I told her no... 10mins later she’s banging at the door, still drunk from night before screaming to take the kids home. Kids crying, screaming, telling her to go away... when took them home when they were supposed to go, she slammed door on me and told me to go through solicitor if I wanted to see my kids again unless I did what she wanted.... but that’s me not being amicable? And this is where maybe I haven’t explained about how she is nowhere near amicable or flexible in any way, wether it’s not letting me go to a friends wedding, making up lies that she has a hospital app when I ask to swap days, turning up at my house still drunk trying to take the kids, refusing me access because I won’t do what she telling me to, trying to threatening me and my new partner saying her ‘big family’ was on the way down, telling her own kids... her own 7 yo kids! To call my partner a foreign slag, don’t go near her, don’t talk to her, don’t touch her, tell her to go back home.... bearing in mind I have all of these messages and videos so there’s no denying it.... but I talk about requesting a little break here and there and I’m the bad parent? So yes, I felt the only option was to go through court, as soon as I told her I had spoken to a solicitor and had been advised what to do with the evidence I had. Bearing in mind at the time I knew I couldn’t go that route due to money I thought still to mention it to her to see what could be done.

That's a different issue and probably a police matter, not a civil one.

For the access, which you're posting about, it's a very simple case of printing off a C100 form. Costs about £200 to submit it IIRC? That's not thousands and thousands. I'm astounded at the bad advice you've been given if you've been led to believe this.

I agree it's too much. Just tell her you won't behaving them on such and such weekends.

She isn't open to discussion so just tell her.

*be having

Yeah I was told it would cost me in the thousands to go through court and to get the access I wanted.

Thank you. I’ll look in to that if discussions with don’t go well.

Dont worry when your kids become teenagers they will want to do their own thing so you will have time then to relax.
Some dads dont get the chance to have their kids as much as you do. Could you arrange to have the kids every second weekend?
Tbh having kids is tiring im a single dad with 3 kids working full time and you have to suck up the tiredness your lucky you get a weekend free.
Its easy to say change jobs but if your really that tired you need to.

I think you need to get a different arrangement. Would she work if she didn’t have to have the kids all week?
In an ideal world you could both be more flexible and cover for each other when you need it but if she doesn’t want to do this then using baby sitters/family members is completely reasonable. What’s her objection to child care?

If I were you I’d go for 50/50 and get the court involved so she has no choice but to stick with it. These are you children, if everything you say is true she doesn’t sound like the best role model. Why wouldn’t you want to have them more to give them a better environment?
I’m be interested to hear her side of this.