I need some advice.

[Bobty123]

Hi,

So I’ve been separated from my ex about 2 and half years now and have 7 yo twins.

For about the first year and half I had the kids every weekend and a day in the week.

For the last year we had a new agreement of 8 weekends and then 1 while still having the day in the week.

I’m at a point now where with work and kids I don’t feel I have that right healthy balance. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids to death but working sometimes 10 hours a day and then having them all weekend with no restbite becomes extremely tiring.

I’ve notice it within myself more and more lately I’ve become too tetchy and snap too easily because of how tired I am. Also when they wanna go out and do something or even in the house and I just don’t have the energy. And I don’t like that. I want to be happy when they’re here and for us to have fun. Not angry and tired.

I’m thinking of speaking with my ex to maybe possibly alter the arrangement to maybe something like a 4 and 1 maybe 5 and 1 with the day during week still there.

Does this seem reasonable? Or does this come across as me shunning my responsibilities to my kids? I don’t want it to come across like this or me being a bad dad and not wanting to see my kids. I’m just finding the work / kids life balance a struggle lately and I don’t want it to effect my behaviour towards my kids when they are with me.

I would much rather be spending 4/5 weekend with them in a good happy refreshed mood, rather than 4/5 good weeks and then 2/3 were in exhausted and moody.

I am also in a relationship (about year and half) which is now also feeing the strain of constant work / kids / tirednes.

Thanks for any advice.

Is it just male advice you're looking for?

I can’t really work out from your post the new proposal, but it’s not unreasonable to want the odd weekend to yourself, I don’t get any as ex doesn’t step up and it’s wearing!

A normal and fair situation is either 50:50 or at least 2 days a week but split and alternating.

So 1 week you do Monday - Thursday.

The next Thursday to Sunday. So you each get a weekend.

Or if it’s 2 days then 1 week that’s the weekend, the next in the working week.

Could that work for you? If so suggest it, being very calm, considered and coming at it from the kids point of view and being snappy. DONT mention the dating because that should be irrelevant!

Sounds completely reasonable how you've put it here. Do you have a good relationship with the ex or is there some reason she would have a problem with what you've proposed?

Hi op, I think we all get over tired at times, and it’s good that you acknowledge how it’s effecting you.
I apologise I am prob not being the sharpest person today as had a few weeks of little sleep due to a teething baby.
You are hoping to cut weekends down ... could you increase mid week?

You may have said this but I don’t fully understand the 4/1 ratio

My understanding is you have your kids 8 weekends out of 9 and one day in the week?

Are you potentially going to increase mid week contact? To compensate? I would be open to potential alternative offers as your ex may not want to give up her weekends / free time without a trade off? do you get on well?

It’s worth broaching we all need time for us somewhere

It sounds as though you are trying for close to 50:50.
Ex gets most of the busy midweek parenting and you get the weekends.
If you want to maintain close to 50:50 then @OldTownRoadHome suggestion is a good one.
If you can’t do that then you need a discussion with Ex about changes, remember If Ex has them more then you will need to pay more.
Also Ex may have worked their life around current arrangements and may not be able to take them more.
Parenting is exhausting no matter what, it gets easier when they are teenagers and don’t want to know you.

Mid week parenting is way easier than the weekend! The weekend is intense. 8 and 1 seems very unfair!

Sorry, i probably never explained it well enough.

Yes female and male perspective is fine ☺️

I work mon-fri 5am-2/3pm so I don’t have them staying over through the week.

The current arrangement is:
8 weekends with me (Friday from school to Sunday 7pm) and every Tuesday from school till 7pm.
Then they have 1 weekend with her.

What I want to try do is see if she would change to 4 weekends, maybe 5, and then the 1 with her. Whilst also continuing the Tuesday midweek.

I don’t know wether this would be relevant to the situation but I work 5am-2/3pm shifts mon-fri while she doesn’t work, hasn’t for last 7 years.

This adds to my kind of frustration in a way, as I’m doing everything I can to see my kids and have my kids but at this moment I just feel it’s too much and like I mentioned in 1st post, I don’t want to have the kids while I’m exhausted and then the time spent isn’t enjoyable for them or myself. So it becomes frustrating that I’m working full time, and then straight from work on a Tuesday I’m having them, straight from work on Friday all through weekend to last thing on Sunday, then back to work again. And it’s like that for 2 months before I get a little break.

I also use up all my holiday allowance with work to take time have to have with them during school hols.

She isn’t a reasonable person. She feels the time I have now with them isn’t enough for her. Despite her not working and if you actually break it down, with the kids doing after school clubs everyday she would get them, it would work out almost the same amount of time spent with us.

Hope this clears up.

To be fair, even if she did work, you would both be using all you annual leave to cover school holidays. That doesn’t change until they can stay home alone at 14.
Plus she needs a job. Just my opinion

Can you change your shifts so that you could do 50/50 through the week?

Find it odd she wouldn’t want her children more on the weekend.

Unfortunately I can’t change my shift. Only recently got a good position with good pay which I don’t want to lose as its enabled me and my partner to get a house that’s good for us and the kids.

And yeah I wasn’t saying I don’t want to use my annual leave for the kids, I am fine with that, was just trying to make the point that she is unreasonable. I’m using all my holidays and having 1 weekend free every 9 and whenever something would up that wouldn’t fall on my weekend, for example a friends wedding that I wanted to go to, I asked if we could swap the days around so I could go to this wedding (it was in another country) and she straight up refused, despite months of notice, said she had a hospital appointment, then changed to she was going on her own holiday... neither of which was true.

Meanwhile she doesn’t work, doesn’t need to use any holidays, has all the time in the day to get what she needs to get done, then has all weekends free so no real need to ask if can swap and sort something out for herself. But if I try to ask for something, no no no no no no.

If she was also working during school time, or over the weekend I think the whole situation would be different and better for both.

She would then also see and be in the same situation I am and would possibly understand the need for regular breaks also.

As it is, she doesn’t. Doesn’t intent to also. So she has no need to help me out with changing the arrangements, I will be trying anyway, hoping she could understand.

I was just interested in your guys opinions, does it make me a bad dad that I want some time for myself? Does it sound bad that I want to cut down the time I have with them to get this? I know most people have a alternate weekend arrangement and are ok with that. Whereas myself I want my kids more than the alternate weekends but with a bit of free time also.

She also enjoys her free weekends too much to care about the time she gets. Enjoys going out getting drunk, pubs, no responsibilities... was one of the reasons we ended up separating. This is where she is unreasonable whenever it comes to her having more time with them.

Always uses the ‘you don’t want your kids?’ Excuse. And how it’s not about she doesn’t want time away from them, it’s for me to have more time with them.

Think you sound very reasonable..almost everyweekend sounds like a piss take..theres nothing wrong with wanting the odd weekend to unwind...any objections by your ex would just come under the category of "emotional blackmail" imo..

Louise91417 ... thank you. What you have said there is what a lot of people around me are saying. She knows how much I love them, how much I want them, so is doing and saying stuff like that as emotional blackmail, knowing I’ll do whatever she wants because I want them.

Happened countless times where I’ve requested something and been told no, arguing goes on, and then she resorts to saying I’m not having them on the weekend. Or also turning up at the house to take them home when they with me.

How often do you actually want to have them? Every other weekend? Every other weekend plus two nights a week? One week you have them, one week your ex has them?

I would be happy with 4 weekends then 1 with her, while continuing the day during the week also... is that unreasonable do you think? Considering I’m working 10hours a day, and she’s not working...

You need to stand firm...you seem to be a very considerate father and need to be respected for this, not treated as a convenient bbsitter. Perhaps have a chat with your twins and explain you would like to spend quality time with them..nothing too indepth, just use it as an opportunity to give your reasoning to them incase mum proves to be difficult..good luck and stick to your guns

I don't think who is working and how much is really relevant, I think it's relevant how often you want to see them, how often they want to see you and how you can make sure your relationship with your kids is the best it can be.

So you want to have them the same amount of weekend but her weekend in the middle and drop your day during the week?

How old are the kids? Is it something you can organise with them and then speak to your ex?

Sorry, I meant keep not drop the weekday, not that it makes any difference to my post but just thought I'd correct it anyway.

Thank you. Again, that’s how it felt when we were together.

I know it sounds bad as I’m their father but I felt as if I was just a babysitter. I would get home from work, she would pick them up come home, stick them in room with me then go sit on computer, weekends would be out at least once a month. Again, I know it sounds bad as I am their father and that’s my job but didn’t feel as if that was shared evenly.

And yeah I think that’s going to be the best course, speaking to the kids first to explain to them as she has said stuff previously before we made new arrangement and the following weekend they asked me why I didn’t want them to be staying with me... which is what she had told them when I had asked for some breaks as at that time I was having ever my Tuesday and every weekend.

Yeah so what I think would be reasonable would be 4 weekends with me, maybe even 5 and then 1 with her. Rather than the 8 and 1 we are doing now.

Your new proposal seems more reasonable if your struggling then deffo speak to your ex or maybe change it so your just having them one night on the weekend ? You should be able to have a day to yourself on the weekend x

Is there any way you can have them overnight during the week? You mention getting a house with your partner, would she consider doing the school run in the morning if it meant freeing up the weekends a bit?

If so I'd go for a more equal arrangement

Unfortunately no, we both work early morning starts, 5am for me 6am for her. So the only available time for staying over is weekends.

Don't really know then. Apply for flexible working or keep having them at a weekend?
They are your options. People who aren't separated don't get a day off either.

The fact your ex doesn't work is irrelevant really unless you're giving her more money than you should be to enable that.