I need some advice.

[Bobty123]

Hi,

So I’ve been separated from my ex about 2 and half years now and have 7 yo twins.

For about the first year and half I had the kids every weekend and a day in the week.

For the last year we had a new agreement of 8 weekends and then 1 while still having the day in the week.

I’m at a point now where with work and kids I don’t feel I have that right healthy balance. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids to death but working sometimes 10 hours a day and then having them all weekend with no restbite becomes extremely tiring.

I’ve notice it within myself more and more lately I’ve become too tetchy and snap too easily because of how tired I am. Also when they wanna go out and do something or even in the house and I just don’t have the energy. And I don’t like that. I want to be happy when they’re here and for us to have fun. Not angry and tired.

I’m thinking of speaking with my ex to maybe possibly alter the arrangement to maybe something like a 4 and 1 maybe 5 and 1 with the day during week still there.

Does this seem reasonable? Or does this come across as me shunning my responsibilities to my kids? I don’t want it to come across like this or me being a bad dad and not wanting to see my kids. I’m just finding the work / kids life balance a struggle lately and I don’t want it to effect my behaviour towards my kids when they are with me.

I would much rather be spending 4/5 weekend with them in a good happy refreshed mood, rather than 4/5 good weeks and then 2/3 were in exhausted and moody.

I am also in a relationship (about year and half) which is now also feeing the strain of constant work / kids / tirednes.

Thanks for any advice.

@Thestrangestthing
Maybe tomorrow try getting out the right side of the better, the happier more empathetic side?
Because it only takes an ounce of common sense to know that if someone had taken the time to ask for advice on a forum, then they care

But to try beak it down into hours to make it appear that I barely have my kids compared to the time they have with their mother, and to make it look like I want even less time is completely wrong.

Not barely any time, just less.

I'm a single parent so I understand tiredness but....that's parenthood. When your kids are with you and you want time away from them, them it's on you to arrange childcare. Book a babysitter.

Then*

If you were with their mother, then you would have your children full time? Then what would you do?
If you want date nights (for e.g.) with your gf, then get a family member of yours or hers to babysit. Struggling with school picks ups? Childminder or after school club. Work too inflexible? Then look for better hours or find a better work/life balance. Come up with solutions like most mothers as resident parents have to do. The answer isn't to put the load onto their mother.

What about school holidays.... do you have them then? Extra?

I think you said you used annual leave in holidays, why don’t you stop doing that, give your self 25+ child free days instead

Or put a holiday in every other Monday and have them Friday mon x2 a mth and a x1 week night for dinner each week?

Sounds like you need mediation tbh

I dont understand why getting a babysitter is being suggested..if ex has kids bare minimum weekends and has no work commitments a baby sitter shouldnt be required..just common decency

@louise91417

Spot on.

If this was a woman posting people would be jumping to say “the dad should have them” but because it’s the other way round...

She's the mum, not childcare for the dad when he wants 'time off' during the time the children are with him. He needs to use his time more wisely.

On the contrary, if a woman wrote this post, everyone would be saying she needs to get her priorities straight and that parenting is tiring- it is. It takes figuring out if you want 'me time', or you just go without it.

Typical misogyny, bringing up the fact the mum doesn't work. It's irrelevant. Typical also, blowing smoke up this man's arse for 'caring enough' to post. I've never seen that on any other thread. But that's because it's usually women posting.

Exactly PPopsicle...

He didn’t just want time off to chill and do f all, it was to attend an important wedding.

Misogyny by saying the mum doesn’t work?! Factual more like.

But then maybe I’m just a nicer, more empathetic person than you are @Sagradafamiliar

I highly doubt that resort to personal insults all you like :)

If I have a wedding to attend, I sort out childcare like all responsible parents I know do. I don't call upon the other parent.

I find it very strange that pp says they wouldnt call upon other parent...surely all parents call on each other at times like this (if on speaking terms) surely bbsitting would be a plan B

@louise91417

Exactly this. If I needed care for my child for an important situation, the first person I would think of is the other parent because that’s who they are most used to.

Unless, @Sagradafamiliar, you’re the OP’s ex? Because that would make a lot of sense

Sagradafamiliar - thank you for commenting. I enjoy when someone comments without reading everything through and just sees a dad ‘wanting less time with his kids’ rather than seeing the whole picture so illl Just go through your points.

‘Get a childminder’ - In the 5 years I was there with her and the kids we had 0 nights out. 0. She would refuse to allow anyone other than me or her to have the kids. Her mum and dad both retired, my mum and sister living around the corner, a cinema complex with countless restaurants 10mins away. ‘Fancy a night out? We’ll go for meal and a film? ... no’ She has said if she ever found out I used a babysitter she would refuse me access, or come to the house to take kids away. Which btw she has done twice before because she wasn’t happy with my response to her demands.

Change my job - ridiculous statement as mentioned previously in thread so not going through that again. Funny how I should change me job but she shouldn’t even get a job?!

Putting the load on the mother - .... sigh ... again... if you read the thread you would see that throughout a week i actually have them for more time than she does.

She’s the mum, not childcare for the dad when he wants free time - again... if you had read the thread you would see the reasoning I asked this question. Not because I want to go out the with the ‘lads’ on a bender... because I want some relax time. I work mon - fri 5am-3pm... Tuesday I pick kids up from school straight from work, same for Fridays and don’t drop off until Sunday 7pm. Doing that every week for 2 months straight and then having 2 days is exhausting, yes I’m a parent but surely that goes for her also?? Couldn’t she be more reasonable with weekend time?

She REFUSES to have the kids for weekends. And so the fact that she doesn’t work is relevant. Especially when she is not flexible with anything.

Misogyny? Please.

PPopsicle - that would make sense 👀👀

And thank you sagra... you have just inadvertently confirmed how she isn’t a responsible parent. I would happily sort out childcare if I didn’t think she would resort to doing what she has done in the past. And I do not have the money to drag this all through court to get it in writing that these are my days and these are her.

If on speaking terms

Yes. But when parents are acrimonious, you can't call upon them. And should be dealing with your own parenting issues on your own parenting time.

No, OP isn't my ex. My ex is a fantastic father and we support each other when or if possible but the respect comes from being great parents independently and not shunting our child from one to the other when we get tired.

It's very cheap to go to family court over a small issue like this, actually.

But I take it you'll be asking for the kids full time if she now realise your ex isn't a responsible parent? Misogyny indeed.

If you*

OP, the citizens advice website and helpline have lots of good informations regarding setting up any agreements with contact, and if you are on a low income, there can be assistance with any court fees.
Before court, you will need to show you have ‘tried’ first to resolve issues through mediation, think this costs around £100 each, so maybe give that a shot first if you ex isn’t forthcoming with suitable access arrangements that work for everyone

‘ if I have a wedding to attend, I sort out childcare like all responsible parents I know do. I don't call upon the other parent.’

.... you’re words... not mine.

That's right.

Sort childcare or miss out. It happens. It's part and parcel.