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Original poster

I need some advice.

136 replies

Bobty123 · 21/01/2020 08:08

Hi,

So I’ve been separated from my ex about 2 and half years now and have 7 yo twins.

For about the first year and half I had the kids every weekend and a day in the week.

For the last year we had a new agreement of 8 weekends and then 1 while still having the day in the week.

I’m at a point now where with work and kids I don’t feel I have that right healthy balance. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids to death but working sometimes 10 hours a day and then having them all weekend with no restbite becomes extremely tiring.

I’ve notice it within myself more and more lately I’ve become too tetchy and snap too easily because of how tired I am. Also when they wanna go out and do something or even in the house and I just don’t have the energy. And I don’t like that. I want to be happy when they’re here and for us to have fun. Not angry and tired.

I’m thinking of speaking with my ex to maybe possibly alter the arrangement to maybe something like a 4 and 1 maybe 5 and 1 with the day during week still there.

Does this seem reasonable? Or does this come across as me shunning my responsibilities to my kids? I don’t want it to come across like this or me being a bad dad and not wanting to see my kids. I’m just finding the work / kids life balance a struggle lately and I don’t want it to effect my behaviour towards my kids when they are with me.

I would much rather be spending 4/5 weekend with them in a good happy refreshed mood, rather than 4/5 good weeks and then 2/3 were in exhausted and moody.

I am also in a relationship (about year and half) which is now also feeing the strain of constant work / kids / tirednes.

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Sagradafamiliar · 21/01/2020 19:58

Lol

Original poster

Bobty123 · 21/01/2020 19:59

Did you not read why I explained childcare isn’t possible??

And did you read the thread to see the points made? Or just see a dad not wanting time with his kids??

OP posts:

PPopsicle · 21/01/2020 20:00

@Bobty123
Lost cause, don’t waste your time with her

Sagradafamiliar · 21/01/2020 20:01

Of course I did. My opinion stands, it doesn't mean I've not understood what you've written. You don't have to like my opinion. You can go with your cheerleaders who, whilst abusive and very silly towards posters they don't agree with, are fully on board with you.

Louise91417 · 21/01/2020 20:02

Tetchy and snap easy..this is what op stated in first post...this is 1 reason for wanting to reduce the amount of weekends..i call that good parenting to address this and wanting his time with his children to be quality not quantity...if a mum had come on and said this she would get hand holds and bunches of flowers..a man says it and he gets jumped on and everything he is trying to explain is twisted (by some)..like i said earlier and having read your updates it would appear your ex is controlling you and emotionally blackmailing you..you are not being unreasonable in your request..even with the reduction you are still being very generous..you have been left with no option but to request this given the update to your ex's opinion on bbsitters. As for people suggesting to change jobs i can only assume some are not familiar with the working world when it is assumes this is feasible.

Sagradafamiliar · 21/01/2020 20:08

That's funny because working mothers have to fit their careers around childcare. If working is an option. Fathers should do the same, if possible. Something has got to give. All aspects of lifestyle need to be at least looked at if parenting is a struggle. Legislation for parents in the workplace is there for a reason, if hours cannot be flexible then there is no harm in job hunting.

Sagradafamiliar · 21/01/2020 20:11

The ex's opinion on babysitters is irrelevant. The OP has parental responsibility, his decisions are up to him when he's with his children.

Original poster

Bobty123 · 21/01/2020 20:12

If you read it you would see I’ve welcomed posts siding with me and against me. That’s the reason I posted, to see the different opinions from both sides.

What I don’t agree with though is the fact you think I’m misogynistic and just trying to palm my kids off on her because I’m tired. It’s nothing like that. The time spent with the children in the week works out around the same, if anything, slightly more for me. With work and kids work kids work kids it is exhausting and yes that’s being a parent. But when the other parent doesn’t work and I’m asking for 1 weekend free, and there’s no help there, no leeway. Nothing. She has no other commitments or responsibilities yet refuses to have any weekend time with them. But I’m misogynistic for wanting a weekend free?

OP posts:

Sagradafamiliar · 21/01/2020 20:18

If you could read, my misogyny observation wasn't directed at or about you. But since you called your ex an irresponsible mother, you can have it.
Your ex's life is none of your business. Working, not working, whatever commitments she has or doesn't have. It's nothing to do with you.
If you'd looked into mediation, you'd know it's not an expensive process to start the ball rolling.

ChristmassySpice · 21/01/2020 20:24

OP you sound like a good Dad. I've heard similar conversations in the yard among Dads in your situation. I have no advice, sadly as my Daughters Dad doesn't do school drop off or pick up. As a result, I've ended up being the parent who can't work full time. My DDs Dad also doesn't do overnight, so I haven't had a child free night for years. I don't have a partner. I couldn't be arsed with one even if I did have the time. Everyone's situations are different.

I suppose ideally I'd like a child free day / night maybe twice a year. That would be amazing. But in your situation, i guess it would be fair to get what you are asking for.

Thestrangestthing · 21/01/2020 20:25

Typical misogyny, bringing up the fact the mum doesn't work. It's irrelevant. Typical also, blowing smoke up this man's arse for 'caring enough' to post. I've never seen that on any other thread. But that's because it's usually women posting.

Yes!

Marmitepasta · 21/01/2020 20:27

I feel very sad for the children reading this.
I understand that you want the odd weekend 'off' and and think your proposal if 4 weekends then 1 off is very reasonable.
I also think that spending time with ones children, especially 7 years old with whom you can generally do fun things with, should not been seen as a chore.
I don't understand why their mum would not want to spend some of her weekends with them???? It seems so odd to me that you would have children then not want to spend time with them,

AceOfShades · 21/01/2020 20:33

You're not being unreasonable,at all. It's worth a shot but I doubt she'll agree,do look into how much it would cost to make a formal arrangement,like a pp said, it may not be as much as you think and you have many years of shared parenting ahead of you.

Your kids will know though, that their dad was always there for them and it does sound like you're a very stable (but tired!) influence in their life

Louise91417 · 21/01/2020 20:37

Sagradafamiliar...everything seems to be black and white in your world....i am a working single mum..nc with ex...yes i fit my life around childcare but i shouldnt have to..i should have some support from ds father and if he was a decent human being he would be my first choice over childcare..

Divebar · 21/01/2020 20:44

I don’t understand why a parent wouldn’t want a weekend with their children. Doesn’t she want to hang out with them and do fun stuff? Just seeing them after school is pretty limiting... it’s not as if you can go too far afield.

Sagradafamiliar · 21/01/2020 20:49

No it isn't, louise. I have another young child who is NC with their father so I relate to you on that one Louise. You can't wish other people into being more available though, in my youngest's case her dad just isn't up to it. When she is with me (which is all the time) and when my eldest is with me, on my time, then the onus is on me and no one else, to sort everything out.

Louise91417 · 21/01/2020 21:15

Its not a case of wishing people available...parents both have a responsibility to their children to work together for sake of their children were possible..if one parent has plans then what is the problem with asking the other parent to be flexible...if it doesnt suit well and good then get a bbsitter but as op has stated this is not an option so therefore he is being controlled...i have experience of both nc with youngests father and have a very amicable relationship with exh (father to my oldest 2). I have seen first hand the benefits of 2 parents being flexible and helping each other out and how the children benefit in seeing their parents putting their children needs first and more over respecting each other, iv also seen the other side and the damage that is caused when children are being used to control lives, which is what appears to he happening in op situation. Refusing to take your children and not allowing a bbsitter to be used is total control and done for no other reason than to prevent op any social life..how on earth is that behaviour beneficial to his children and how can you skim over and ignore it and try an play the guilt card on op

eeyore228 · 21/01/2020 21:54

Sounds like mum is having her cake and eating it. So mum has them 4 nights after school and the hour or so before school starts then one weekend once in a blue moon. Meaning she has all the school day to sort herself out and pretty much every weekend! I don’t think it’s asking much to have an extra weekend or two to yourself.

Thestrangestthing · 21/01/2020 22:13

She REFUSES to have the kids for weekends.

I doubt that, but if that is the case and she is so awful why don't you take her to court.

Also what is her reason for not letting you use a babysitter? For example, My children won't stay with anyone but my parents if they need a babysitter for any length of time, and I'm not going to force them to stay with anyone they are uncomfortable with, I would rather miss the night out.

Thestrangestthing · 21/01/2020 22:16

Take your ex to court and get 50/50, or better yet, you could go for rp. Clearly she doesn't really want her kids.

Thestrangestthing · 21/01/2020 22:20

..if it doesnt suit well and good then get a bbsitter but as op has stated this is not an option so therefore he is being controlled...

If the children have no problem with a babysitter look ng after them, then there is no reason he can't use one. He is responsible for the children at the time and the ex can't dictate what he can and can't do as long as it's not putting the children at risk. Why he hasn't attempted to take this unreasonable woman to court yet is beyond me

Sagradafamiliar · 21/01/2020 22:22

Louise the OP's ex isn't in a legal position to object to him having any form of childcare. They're his children, he can do what he wants when they're with him. There is no control going on.

Louise91417 · 21/01/2020 22:52

He has respected her wishes in not getting a babysitter but she also refuses to have the children to allow him a social life..hows that not control...

Original poster

Bobty123 · 21/01/2020 23:03

Louise is right in terms of I respected her wishes of not having a babysitter in hoping it would maybe make her understand that I’m willing to work together with her rather than fighting each other.

The only reason i haven’t took her to court yet is because the only solicitor I have spoken to, who was brilliant at giving me free advice and spoke with me for near 45 mins on phone, told me I have a brilliant case with all evidence of how she has been with messages, videos, calls bombarding my phone at 3/4 am.... said my case was brilliant with all this evidence, but, told me unless I had a spare 3/4/5 thousand I wouldn’t be able to go through court.

I didn’t know there’s other options that could assist with payment or free aid. Wether or not it has to be a limit to your own wage or what I don’t know.

OP posts:

Louise91417 · 21/01/2020 23:13

Would it be an option to have your proposed schedule sent to your ex via your solicitor...perhaps if your ex sees you are involving a 3rd party she might give it more consideration. I no you are probably reluctant to start this ball rolling but hopefully one letter (wouldnt cost much) might change her way of thinking especially if she gives thought to the fact if it was to go to court you may only be ordered to have alternate weekends woth extra week days

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