I need some advice.

[Bobty123]

Hi,

So I’ve been separated from my ex about 2 and half years now and have 7 yo twins.

For about the first year and half I had the kids every weekend and a day in the week.

For the last year we had a new agreement of 8 weekends and then 1 while still having the day in the week.

I’m at a point now where with work and kids I don’t feel I have that right healthy balance. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids to death but working sometimes 10 hours a day and then having them all weekend with no restbite becomes extremely tiring.

I’ve notice it within myself more and more lately I’ve become too tetchy and snap too easily because of how tired I am. Also when they wanna go out and do something or even in the house and I just don’t have the energy. And I don’t like that. I want to be happy when they’re here and for us to have fun. Not angry and tired.

I’m thinking of speaking with my ex to maybe possibly alter the arrangement to maybe something like a 4 and 1 maybe 5 and 1 with the day during week still there.

Does this seem reasonable? Or does this come across as me shunning my responsibilities to my kids? I don’t want it to come across like this or me being a bad dad and not wanting to see my kids. I’m just finding the work / kids life balance a struggle lately and I don’t want it to effect my behaviour towards my kids when they are with me.

I would much rather be spending 4/5 weekend with them in a good happy refreshed mood, rather than 4/5 good weeks and then 2/3 were in exhausted and moody.

I am also in a relationship (about year and half) which is now also feeing the strain of constant work / kids / tirednes.

Thanks for any advice.

You sound very reasonable OP. I would propose what you have suggested to the ex. If she refuses or makes it hard work I would be taking her to Court tbh and have an agreement in place that’s actually fair. Ideally no one ever wants to go down the Court route but I’m surprised she doesn’t want more weekends with her kids.

Your Ex sounds like an absolute delight 🙈

You're being perfectly reasonable IMO.
Unfortunately some ex partners have issues separating reason from their opinion.

If you feel hand on heart what you're doing is right (from what you've written here I agree it is) then stick to your guns and don't be swayed by emotional blackmail.

You are entitled to a life too!

Your proposal sounds perfectly reasonable.

Is there a possibility you could apply for flexible working for one morning a week? Say start at 9.30 and finish later.

Thanks for your responses.

Crustycrab - I am paying more than I should do. I am paying her at the 2nd rate (up to 104) nights I think it is, when in actual fact worked out over the year I should be paying the 3rd bracket.

But we had already agreed that we would pay based on weekly stays, so 1-2 is the 2nd bracket. And then when they stay with me longer I pay whatever the equivalent is.

I get and understand your point of how people who aren’t separated don’t get a day off either but that’s not my situation right now. It’s a different situation so the standing of ‘couples don’t get a day off either’ doesn’t apply to this situation. As in this situation there will be a parent getting a day off dependant upon when the other parent has the children.

Again, your point of why it’s irrelevant that she doesn’t work is your opinion but to me it does. I’m working almost 10hours a day 5 days a week and then having my kids all weekend for 2 months before I get 1 weekend free for myself for a break. Whilst she doesn’t work, has all the time when they’re in school and every weekend for 2 months to be able to do what she wants.

I think it is irrelevant (although annoying) simply because even if she worked it would make no difference to your situation at all.

You're inflexible as to when you can have the kids due to your shifts.

Your proposal to have them less weekends than you do now isn't unreasonable but unless she gets a weekend job preventing this her work status is irrelevant.

Would it be possible your ex is insisting on your weekends as she perhaps sees it as a way to control you...every weekend with children doesnt leave you much opportunity for a social life?

Your proposal sounds very reasonable.
However, a few points...
Your ex 'enjoys her weekends' a bit too much. Will she actually be there for the DC if she has them more at weekends or will she use babysitters and continue her weekend lifestyle?
Your children have stability with you. I know this is very unhelpful and you are knackered but years go by quickly.
What arrangement is in the best interest of the DC?

I know she won’t use a babysitter. She always refused this when we were together when I would suggest us going for a meal / watch a film, have some us time away from kids. So I know if she did have them she wouldn’t fob them off with a babysitter or anyone else for that matter.

I agree, she sees it as a way of control. She said this when she found out I had new partner. Said she would do everything to ruin it. Amazing I know.

It’s not about who has more free time. It’s about the kids and co parenting. You can’t do 50-50 because you prioritise your work/the money.

To be honest, you’re lucky she agrees to 8 weekends. She could insist that you co parent on a half on half off week.

The fact that you’re tired...😂 seriously?!!!

Let me tell you something. I have a teenage DD, when her dad and I split up she came with me, because he ‘had to work’. In 5 years he saw her whenever it was convenient for him, on average a weekend a month, sometimes not even that. I never, not once questioned that, didn’t ask him to have her, didn’t once say no, you can’t have her. I changed my plans around him, I didn’t speak to DD about it at all.
Fast forward to today, DD is almost grown up, not long before she goes to uni.
She’s a smart kid. She sat me down one day and asked me what the hell was I thinking letting her dad mess us around like that, why didn’t I think to request 50-50, he is equally her parent. Then she answered her own question, and her dad didn’t come in a good light at all. She despises him. And I promise, I didn’t say a bad word, I protected my child and her stability.
Now, you might think your circumstances are different. They’re not. At the end of the day, they have two parents, and you don’t get to say you’re tired.

And I completely understand your point of view, hence why I posted this to see people opinions as I know everyone’s will be different.

Some will see it as yes we should both have time with the kids but equally have some free time.
Other will see it as your a dad and she’s the mum, she has them in week, I have them on weekend.

I get and I understand each persons point of view on this. This is why I posted it.

Now just because you’re a parent it doesn’t mean your not entitled to your own time or to not get tired. We all have limits.

For me, when I was at the household due to the way she would be and how that would effect me in turn effected my relationship with my kids. I took the hardest step in my life and said I was done and walked out, not on my kids but on her, I did it knowing that our relationship wasn’t healthy for me and in turn wasn’t healthy for my relationship with my kids.

I left, got my own place and had my time with my kids. Away from the negative energy in my life. And it made me in to a way better dad. I know that In myself and I know that because of the kids behaviour also.

Now I’m in a similar situation whereby working and having kids non stop without some time in between is draining on me and again, in turn, is negatively impacting on my relationship with them. I understand how you can say why would I be tired, they’re my kids and it’s my job to do everything I can for them. Yes I agree. But your situation might be completely different to mine, it might be very similar. I don’t know. But every situation is different and each individual is different. It might be you had some people around that could help, you might of had some days which you had free, you might not have, again, I don’t know.

I’m not saying your opinion is wrong, I appreciate you giving your opinion. But to me both mum and dad, wether separated or still together, both deserve time for themselves.

And for me in this situation I get 2 days free every 9 weeks. She get 2 days every week. Again, I know what your saying about it’s not much free time we get each, it’s about the time we have with the children. Completely agree. But I feel like she is playing on knowing that want that time with them so does everything she can to get the most time she can for herself.

Again, I’m not saying your opinion or your view is wrong, I’m simply countering it with my view.

It’s just working 50hours in a week in a warehouse, and going straight into having the kids on a Friday constantly for 2 months before having 2 days to relax, I hope you can understand how that can be draining. Where on the other hand, she doesn’t work and gets every weekend free for herself.

Can you consider having a formal agreement drawn up? I think 4 on 1 off is very reasonable and your ex needs to be flexible.
Why does she not work? This is the 3rd thread today with ex wives not working despite kids being at school!

When do you get them on a Friday/when do you drop off on a Sunday? Surely the Sunday drop off is fairly early if they are only 7 and need to get back for an early bedtime before school on Monday?

If I only saw my child for 2-3 hours in the week I'd be desperate to spend time with them every weekend. You are a parent, spending time with your children is your relaxing/downtime, they shouldn't be seen as a chore.

If you are tired get to your bed earlier in the week.

But you finish work at 2/3. You get loads of time that's at least 6/7 hours a day to relax 4 times a week!

The sooner you stop focusing on your ex's lifestyle the better. If you don't have them at the weekend when will you have them?

Can you look for another job? One that has more flexible shifts and might be less tiring?

I’m not saying I don’t want my kids on weekends. All I’m saying is it is reasonable to ask my ex to come to some new arrangement whereby we get some free time.

For about a year and a half I had my kids every single weekend and a day in the week. Then it went to 8 weekends with me and 1 with her, this only happened as she threatened me with not having them at all over me asking for 1 weekend to go to a friends weekend.

I work 5am - 3pm 4 out 5 days in a week, finishing work friday 3pm and picking kids up at 3.30, dropping them off home at 7 on a Sunday. 8 if they don’t have school the Monday.

I Also don’t see it as a chore thanks.

You work 4 days a week? Then the midweek day off is your day off. As well as the hours every day after work to wind down.

It's the 5am starts that are tiring you out, not the kids. I'd be looking to change job/hours

I think OPs point is that he’s unable to ever do anything Fri/Sat ie attend social events, even ft parents can schedule a night out but in this case his ex is completely inflexible.
If you have a midweek day off, why don’t you do the school pickup the day before and keep them overnight and drop at school?
4 weekends on 1 off? That seems reasonable.

No I work 5 days a week 5am- 3pm 4 days and 1 day 5am - 2pm.

JKScot4 - thank you. That is what I’m trying to get across.

What I find interesting with this post is the difference in perception between a father asking a little bit of time free compared to a mother who refuses to have her kids on a weekend and come to some compromise with the father.

No, that's not what I'm seeing. I'm seeing your envy at her not having to work, how she's managing that I don't know but that's another thread.

You can only have the kids on fixed days due to your inflexible shift pattern. You could apply for a better work/life balance or another job. But as it stands you can only have them at a weekend. If you want some weekends free then the onus is on you to change that and become flexible enough to have them during the week sometimes.

What you are proposing is to only see your kids for 4 hours on a Tuesday for 10 weeks of the year so that you're less tired.

Perhaps the question some people on this thread need to ask is if you were still in a relationship with your partner and you ex was sahm and you the main wage earner would you be expected to look for alternative work to accomodate your children. It is amazing how single mums automatically get the sympathy vote by some people. Why is this thread turning your ex into the victim and you the villan, there is no need for any victims or villans in this case....what your saying is more than reasonable and as for people suggesting you find another job to accommodate your twins, well in the real world it just doesnt work like that..i say this as a single working parent with no assistance at all from ds father

Louise I'm suggesting he gets another job to accommodate his social life, not his children. He's already accommodating his children but wishes to have some social life at a weekend.

And to help with the tiredness, repeated 5am starts are not easy.

The ex isn't a victim at all. Where has anyone said that?

Crustycrab - I’m not envious of the fact she doesn’t work at all. The point of me bringing up the fact she doesn’t work is because has no other commitments, no other responsibilities. Yet she never wants to compromise or work together when something is happening that would fall on a weekend. Example being my friends wedding. I missed seeing my friend of 15years get married because she refused to have the kids for 1 weekend. She wasn’t working. She never had a hospital appointment like she said. She never went on a holiday like she said. She has no other responsibilities. But I’m working all week, and then have kids all weekend, but if I ask for a weekend off because something has come up like what I explained, there’s no give. Nothing.

As for saying get a different job? Because that’s easy isn’t it. I work early starts so that I do have a couple of hours in the afternoon / evenings, once or twice every couple of weeks of those is spent helping my grandparents with shopping. What would you suggest?? Get a 9-5 job? What difference would that make??

Thank you Louise.

I never made this thread for people to pick a side. I made it to see people’s opinions on my circumstances and the suggestion I have.

I brought up the fact she doesn’t work and the fact I do because she has no other commitments or responsibilities. So when I ask could I have 1 weekend off so I can see my friend get married and she says no, how do you want me to react? In that situation what would you have done? She said no because it would of ruined her free time so she could go out and get drunk, that’s it. I do everything I can for my kids, and it’s never enough to some.

@crustycrab
Are you reading the same post as me?
Because I see a bloody reasonable day who is working his butt off and simply wants a few extra weekends, not a single part of that seems unfair to me?

OP, I think you’re perfectly sensible requesting what you do. But I get the impression that if someone as reasonable and logical thinking as you has separated from their ex, then you ex might not be so understanding

No, it's not that easy just to get another job but 9-5 would enable you to have them in the week and would be a fairer set up to enable you to have a social life.

The wedding weekend was shitty of her and was malicious but what you are proposing is barely seeing the kids for 10 weeks of the year. If she won't give and take for a one off weekend is she really going to agree to that?

So why haven’t you arranged childcare for that weekend (the wedding). I admit I’m pretty au fait with being abroad, I would have taken them and arranged a baby sitter for a few hours while the wedding was on. But then I’ve done everything on my own most of my life. Try that next time?

In response to your question: no, I don’t/didn’t have anybody helping me. I work 52h a week, in a job where if I drop the ball, somebody could die. I come home and I turn into mum. I can’t take a promotion because it would disrupt our family balance. I’ve been where you are: snapping at my kid because I was just so damn tired. There is/was no one else. DD has learnt to check the fridge and the cupboards and text me to transfer some money so she can do some food shopping after school. It’s like this.

Mine is older.

Again, it’s got nothing to do with you what she does in her free time. I very much doubt she’s swinging off chandeliers blind drunk every single weekend.

It’s shocking she wouldn’t compromise to allow you to attend a wedding, that’s nasty.
If you can afford it, I’d go to a solicitor and get this formalised, parents need to have some come and go, it’s untenable especially as they grow up. She sounds incredibly selfish, I hope maintenance is paid inline with. the time you have them.