I need some advice.

[Bobty123]

Hi,

So I’ve been separated from my ex about 2 and half years now and have 7 yo twins.

For about the first year and half I had the kids every weekend and a day in the week.

For the last year we had a new agreement of 8 weekends and then 1 while still having the day in the week.

I’m at a point now where with work and kids I don’t feel I have that right healthy balance. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids to death but working sometimes 10 hours a day and then having them all weekend with no restbite becomes extremely tiring.

I’ve notice it within myself more and more lately I’ve become too tetchy and snap too easily because of how tired I am. Also when they wanna go out and do something or even in the house and I just don’t have the energy. And I don’t like that. I want to be happy when they’re here and for us to have fun. Not angry and tired.

I’m thinking of speaking with my ex to maybe possibly alter the arrangement to maybe something like a 4 and 1 maybe 5 and 1 with the day during week still there.

Does this seem reasonable? Or does this come across as me shunning my responsibilities to my kids? I don’t want it to come across like this or me being a bad dad and not wanting to see my kids. I’m just finding the work / kids life balance a struggle lately and I don’t want it to effect my behaviour towards my kids when they are with me.

I would much rather be spending 4/5 weekend with them in a good happy refreshed mood, rather than 4/5 good weeks and then 2/3 were in exhausted and moody.

I am also in a relationship (about year and half) which is now also feeing the strain of constant work / kids / tirednes.

Thanks for any advice.

So instead of just trying to manage your behaviour and short temper, you propose to spend less time with your children. Wow, heard it all now.

Yet in cohabitation its all about equal leisure time according to MN...
This is not equal leisure time is it? I'd also take it to court and get it formalised.

@Thestrangestthing

You win the award for most pointless and unhelpful post on this thread

There are 672 hours in a 28 day period, you only have your children maximum 232 of those hours. That's when you have them every weekend, and a Tuesday night for dinner, and you want to cut that back?

What does the OP want help with PPopsicle advice on how to make sure he can see his children less 😂 I have an opinion like everyone else.

Yet in cohabitation its all about equal leisure time according to MN...
This is not equal leisure time is it? I'd also take it to court and get it formalised.

Its not equal parenting time either is it?

Can't say the ex is doing that much either though...

@Thestrangestthing
You are being obtuse, all he’s suggesting is 4 weekends on 1 off possibly instead of 8 on 1 off. I doubt there’s many resident dads that spend this much time with their kids!

By your calculation he spends 35% of the week with them, that’s more than most.

He's not a resident dad, he is a separated dad. He could be having to take care of his children 50/50 but that's not the case.
If a woman posted this she would be absolutely slaughtered.

My point is for a non resident he does a good share and if you read again, there IS resident dads who don’t spend anywhere near 35% of the week with their DC. 50/50 isn’t always possible due to work, not everyone works in these jobs where you can demand flexi hours and have endless holidays and huge salaries. You sound very bitter, bear in mind the ex doesn’t even work yet refuses to be flexible, she’s the lazy selfish one in this. I doubt there’s many couples who could do 50/50.

B

Thestrangestthing - thank you for that insight, it actually got me to look into that... and if you want to break it down to hours then break it down in to hours actually spent having time with the children, not in to total hours, not including time asleep or in school. Of course it would be different hours in school hols but going off a normal week.

By doing that, using the same wake up time (I’m just gonna say 6AM) and same bedtime (8pm) it actually works out that hours spent with the children is more in my favour.

So please don’t try and sit there and skew figures to make it appear I don’t spend time with my kids while the mother spends over twice as much as me. When in actual fact by breaking it down to actual quality time spent with the children, I spend more hours with them than she does!

And just because I know you’ll try come back with something I’ll break it down for you.

Using a 6AM wake up and 8PM bedtime.

Mon - 3 hrs before school. 4 hours after school. = 7 hours for mother
Tue- 3hrs before school for mother (10) 3 for father (3)
Wed - 3 hrs before school. 4 hours after school. 7 hours for mother (17)
Thur - 3 hrs before school. 5 hours after school. 8 hours for mother (25)
Fri - 3 hours before school for mother (28) 4 hours after school for father (7)
Sat - 14 hours for father (21)
Sun - 13 hours for father (34) 1 hour for mother (29)

So ’approximately’ 29 hours in the week spent with the mother. ‘Approximately’ 34 hours in the week spent with father.

You could try argue that and say but she has to care for them while asleep, and yes I agree, but you’re trying to make it out that I’m spending very little time with my kids... actual quality time with them. Not while sleeping or in school. When I am not, and I also don’t appreciate the insinuation that it’s true.

I never created this post to cause arguments between people, nor for people to pick sides, I was interested in people’s opinions on my situation. Plenty have given it and given in either side. Some agree with me some don’t. And both are fine.

With the talk on 50/50 parenting... not long after we separated she said she couldn’t do it, said she didn’t want the kids, at the time I was in a different position in work so I was able to request a different shift pattern based on me having kids full time. Work agreed. She agreed. I was having them full time. As soon as she realised I was fine with it and was getting everything in place she changed her mind and said no. When I asked why, she said she only done it to see my response, she wanted me to say no thinking I don’t want them. So I said ok if she still wanted them, work have already said I could have a certain shift pattern, it would allow us to be 50/50 ... she said no, I could only have the weekends and if I wasn’t happy to fight through court costing me who knows. So again, please don’t assume that im a deadbeat dad trying to cut my hours with my children down because I don’t want it, when I do, I would just also like a little bit of free time in between.

Actually, he spends about the samd parenting hours with them as she does in a typical week/weekend.

Mum - 7-8 (preschool) approx x 5
3.30-8.30 (approx) x 4
Remainder of dad's evening = 2 hrs
31 hours

Dad -. 1 X 12 hour (Saturday)
Combination of Friday evening and
shortt day Sunday 12 hours (approx)
1 X evening (notionally 4 hrs)

            Total = 28 hours

Obviously the occasional weekend has the children skew it slightly more, but actually he has the kids a lot.

The breakdown of free time on a typical week is :

168 hours in a week
Dad spends 30% of his time working, 17% time with children, 33% time sleeping (8 hour nights), and 20% on free time, life admin, whatever.

Mum spends 0% time working, 18% of time with children, 33% time sleeping (8 hour nights) and 49% of her time in free time, life admin etc.

Days free per year (excluding holidays etc) = mum - 91, dad - 13 days. Obviously he had a lot more evenings free, but she also has days free, so really a lot of time off in comparison.

The dad isn't a bad guy for working - its kind of a given that he needs to do it. I can see why he's want the occasional weekend off, though maybe making it up with another evening in the week so the kids don't miss out would be nice.

Agree with everything JKScot4 says...50/50 is an ideal that rarely happens...children are at school 6hrs in the day...ex is getting that break every day 5 days a week whilst dad is working and then she is getting entire weekends to herself. I find it hard to comprehend that any mother would not want to have regular weekends for quality family time with their children. Trying to juggle work and children as a bloody nightmare, the 50/50 argument doesnt apply when one parent doesnt work and one does. Op is working to provide for his children, something that ex is clearly benefiting from so therefore you would expect her to be a little more reasonable and accommodating.

🤷‍♀️ You could argue that, but that's not the way it's worked out through the courts.

You’re not the court though. You’re the one suggesting I spend so little time with my children compared to their mother. When in actual fact, the time spent WITH the children is near enough the same.

I get what you’re saying about how a court would see it but it’s not at that point, and if it ever did it would certainly be something I would present. Wether or not it would be something they would take into consideration who knows.

So why not just ask the mother if she will change the contact. Why did you agree to every weekend in the first place?

50:50 is an absolute load of crap to suggest, so posters doing so really need to have a proper think and read through what this dad has said.

He works full time, the mum doesn’t work. Therefore by default she should have the children more.

He is essentially asking for one extra weekend, not the world, not to not see his children, just 1 extra weekend every 8 weeks.

Surely a dad posting on here highlights that he cares deeply and wants some good advice?

Also 5 days a week at school is 120 hours off the 672 hours in 28 days, that's 552 hours. No you can't count sleeping time because there is absolutely no point. So 322 hours with their mother, if not including school time, and 232 with their father and that's if you have them every weekend out of the 4 weeks 🤷‍♀️

I will be asking. I just wanted to see people’s opinions on wether asking for 4 weekends on and 1 off or even 5 on 1 off would be considered unreasonable.

I agreed to every weekend just after I had left, I wanted my kids with me, 2 years later and 1 weekend out of that I had had free, I couldn’t continue.

So basically, you have Monday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings on your own, and one weekend in eight.

The rest of the time you are either at work or you have the kids, is that right? And she doesn't work at all.

She's massively taking the piss.

@Thestrangestthing
You come across very bitter and irrational, have you got an ex you hate?

Surely a dad posting on here highlights that he cares deeply and wants some good advice?

No idea, don't know him personally, and don't know the mothers side, so hard to tell.

@JKScot4.

Nope, children with and ex just my current partner, and nope not bitter, just stating facts 🤷‍♀️

Followingonfromthat - that’s exactly right.

Thestrangestthing - correct. You don’t know me personally. Nor do you know her side. So I completely understand why you say what you’re saying. You don’t know either side so your just putting your opinion across.

But to try beak it down into hours to make it appear that I barely have my kids compared to the time they have with their mother, and to make it look like I want even less time is completely wrong.

As demonstrated by breaking it down in to actual hours spent with parent, not asleep or at school.

Yes I also get that in the school holidays she will have them a lot more, especially in summer hols. I will be trying to split my holidays throughout the year rather than taking a lot in 1 half term for them. But again, this is why I mentioned she doesn’t work. If she did then we would make other arrangements during these school holidays.