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Original poster

What's an appropriate holiday for a SAHM?

184 replies

NoKissKissNoBangBang · 04/04/2018 09:20

Hi All,

Looking for opinions & perspective. Wife has said she'd like to go on holiday with her best mate for a week. We have two children and I have no problem looking after them for a week. As a SAHM I think she fully deserves a week off. Problem is, the best friend is single (both in their late 30's) and they want to go to a party island (not decided but Tenerife, Majorca, Ibiza, Crete have all been mentioned). The best friend likes living the single life (but is always looking out for a boyfriend) and meeting guys, so basically the best friend wants a "wing woman" to go away with. They both like a drink, scratch that, when the opportunity arises they like to get legless.

Is it fair that I am uncomfortable with my wife being in that environment for a full week with a friend who is likely to want to go out to bars and clubs to meet guys most (if not every) night with the inevitable drink fuelled shenanigans that would follow?

Before the inevitable "don't you trust your wife question", I do, to an extent, but an extended stay in this environment watching a single friend do what she wants is a worry.

So, what do you think?

OP posts:
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Madhouse2018 · 04/04/2018 18:23

I think your concerns about this holiday are: Your DW being 'legless' in a very vulnerable state, left alone in a foreign country and the potential dangers as a result.

  • Or your DW going away, enjoying a taste of the friends life and thinking 'the grass is greener'. Becoming disillusioned with her family life and wanting to live like her friend.

I don't think it is really about control. It is how you feel so you need to find a way to articulate it to your wife. FWIW the friend isn't a threat if your DW is happy with her own life imo.

bastardkitty · 04/04/2018 18:24

@ToriRay knock up a bit of a penis quilt and put it as your profile pic on quiltsnet. Then the magic will happen. Not sure if you are as innocent as you're claiming Lucy.

ToriRay · 04/04/2018 18:25

lucy Cor! Imagine a quilting pilgrimage! To the Isle of Arran? E4 would prob want to film a documentary wilder than Geordie Shore!

ToriRay · 04/04/2018 18:28

bastard I can't quilt yet. I'm going to join a circle and see when they are next in the Cotswolds. Then I'll whack my penis quilt on Quiltface!

bastardkitty · 04/04/2018 18:29

Can't wait for your update thread @ToriRay Grin

Whatsforu · 04/04/2018 18:41

Mmmm I can see your point and I think you are getting a hard time. If you were the wife asking about husband going on similar holiday answers would be different. I don't know what the answer is as you can't stop her. I take it these holidays are on top of family holidays?

Mynewnameforabit · 04/04/2018 18:41

Does it matter why i wanted a holiday? If I wanted a drinking holiday, or an educational one - HE went on work 'jollies' for at least a week per month, for years. Yet I was not allowed a week away? THAT'S why my marriage ended
You misunderstood what I was questioning - I absolutely agree that you should have been able to go on your course without any question of your DH allowing or disallowing it, and I think you were probably right to end it.
I assume that the reason you mentioned it on this thread though, was because you saw it as somehow similar to the OPs wife's situation. What i was disagreeing with was the implication that the OP could be seen as similar to your ex in his dilemma - I don't think its the same because he isn't trying to stop his DW going, and what she has planned is specifically a drinking and clubbing trip, which many of us have said we'd find a bit worrying if it was our OH.

Mellodrama · 04/04/2018 18:51

I'm quite shocked at the amount of posts attacking the OP here tbh Hmm I personally think it's a ridiculous idea.

Though, it does throw up the question of why she would want to go there in the first place? My DP's ex wife got really friendly with a single, younger friend, began to go out partying a lot more (re-living her youth possibly) and then walked out on my DP, their 2 CD and an almost 15 year marriage Sad

I don't believe the OP is in anyway 'controlling' or has trust issues just because of feeling uncomfortable at the situation. Maybe she needs to grow up imo Hmm

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 04/04/2018 18:54

I know my husband would be uncomfortable with me going to a place like this and I completely understand your concern. Talk to your wife and discuss it. Even if it was my kind of thing I wouldn't go if it made my husband uncomfortable and if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't go either.

Mellodrama · 04/04/2018 18:59

*DC's my last post should've read (not CD)! Grin

NoqontroI · 04/04/2018 19:00

Maybe she needs to grow up imo

Or maybe he needs to grow up. If someone wants to have an affair or leave then they will do that. Removing temptation from people doesn't stop people wanting or desiring to do those things. If his wife doesn't want to cheat on her husband then she won't. She is in control of her own actions. I find it sad the amount of people who want to remove temptation because they are afraid their other half will have an affair / one night stand. If they feel their dp will do that, then the problem is not the holiday, but instead the relationship itself.

Karigan1 · 04/04/2018 19:01

I went to Crete. It was gorgeous and hardly a party island.

Imnotacelebgetmeouttahere · 04/04/2018 19:10

I go away with friends annually - usually to traditionally “ party” places. Most of them are single and child free ( im not) - we are all 25-40.

I go to those places because I love loud music, I love dancing, they are usually cheap and tbh I’m grateful for the break! Not because I’m looking to cheat or because I need to grow up Hmm

LuciaLuciaLucia · 04/04/2018 19:13

My DH of 7 years went last last year with his single! mates. For a week. Absolutely no problem cos I know his friends and I know HIM.
But if you are not OK with I think you should tell your wife. Does she know how you feel about it?
Would she be OK if you went to Ibiza for a week with your mates?

Mellodrama · 04/04/2018 19:15

Yes, as @LuciaLuciaLucia has asked, would your DW be ok if the shoe was on the other foot? I would ask her this

waxedlyrical · 04/04/2018 19:18

The SAHM part is totally irrelevant.

She can go on holiday with whoever and wherever she wants, is the answer. Presumably you might have to contribute financially to the holiday so does that mean you think you have a say on where she goes?

Also suspect her single friend is nothing like you portray on this thread. I don't have a partner but that doesn't mean I'm out looking for men to shag every night of my holiday. And if I was it doesn't mean I invited my friends to do the same.

You sound awful.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 04/04/2018 19:23

It's not the kind of holiday I'd like to go on, and I don't think I'd be comfortable with my DH going on a holiday like that. He wouldn't want to either though. And we have no trust issues whatsoever @NoKissKissNoBangBang I think it's ok to tell your wife that you are uncomfortable with that type of holiday and concerned for her safety etc, however she may choose to go anyway and if she does you really need to just suck it up and say nothing. I get your point and she probably will too once you put it to her reasonably.

37KAT · 04/04/2018 19:36

I think you've been give a hard time. You're understandably concerned about the welfare of your wife and mother of your children. I think you need to have a conversation.
I would be unhappy with my DH going on a holiday like this.

Mynewnameforabit · 04/04/2018 19:43

Also suspect her single friend is nothing like you portray on this thread. I don't have a partner but that doesn't mean I'm out looking for men to shag every night of my holiday...you sound awful
Well if you start by deciding that the OP is lying, it certainly does make it easier to decide he's completely unreasonable to have any concerns about the trip, and that he therefore is awful Grin!
To be fair though, it rather limits the point of the discussion if you aren't prepared to take what the OP says as his genuine understanding of what is happening Hmm. I'm pretty sure you don't know the OPs wife's friends, you just decided you know better.

ToriRay · 04/04/2018 19:47

This 'safety' thing is so patronising. My husband enjoys throwing himself down dangerous black runs on a pair of skis. He enjoys is. I don't. Therefore he regularly goes with his mates, comes back and tells me all about it. Equally, he doesn't really enjoy music gigs, weekend festivals etc the ways I do. So I go with my friends, come back and tell him all about it. We both look after ourselves and jointly have fabulous holidays together. It's the only way we work. We are both big enough and ugly enough to look after ourselves. Grin

NoqontroI · 04/04/2018 19:52

This 'safety' thing is so patronising

Gotta keep the little lady safe innit Wink

colditz · 04/04/2018 20:11

You're understandably concerned about the welfare of your wife and mother of your children.

I suspect " NoKissKissNoBangBang " is far more concerned about his wife's vaginal integrity than any other aspect of her bodily safety.

LucyGayheart · 04/04/2018 20:41

I would be unhappy with my DH going on a holiday like this.

But given that OP's most recent contribution is that he's worried about his wife's safety at the hands of aggressively-propositioning male clubbers, are you saying that what would concern you about your husband going on this holiday is his safety at the hands of aggressively- drunk gangs of women who won't take no for an answer?

Original poster
NoKissKissNoBangBang · 04/04/2018 20:47

Well, there seems to be an equal split between those who jump to conclusions about myself being a lying, controlling, evil twat who has absolutely no right to express any concern and that anybody's OH should be able to do whatever they want with impunity irrespective of the feelings of their spouse/partner. A couple of people have also made a comment about who's paying for the holiday, you should be ashamed of yourselves, that is totally irrelevant,

and,

Those with a bit more empathy who chose to read what I actually wrote (rather than read their own thoughts into what I wrote) and tried to understand that I am only asking for their views of how they would feel if they were in the same situation. The reason being that this may help me come to terms with why I'm not enthused by the idea of her going on this sort of holiday.

It's getting tiring pointing out to the nay sayers that I have not, and would never (how could I) give her any sort of ultimatum, it's entirely her choice. However, as has been suggested, I will find the right time to raise my concerns, it's then up to her. If she decides to go ahead then, as has been pointed out, I'll have to suck it up. And just maybe, I'll go somewhere myself (I think Thailand was suggested), if she kicks off about that I'll let you all know.

OP posts:
LucyGayheart · 04/04/2018 20:55

If she decides to go ahead then, as has been pointed out, I'll have to suck it up. And just maybe, I'll go somewhere myself (I think Thailand was suggested), if she kicks off about that I'll let you all know.

Yeah, because that's the act of a mature adult. Retaliating because his wife goes on an entirely innocent clubbing holiday by expressing a desire to go to a destination notorious for sex tourism?

And absolutely, you can have an entirely innocent holiday in Thailand, trekking and sunbathing and visiting temples, but surely your wife would say exactly the same of her holiday?