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Original poster

What's an appropriate holiday for a SAHM?

184 replies

NoKissKissNoBangBang · 04/04/2018 09:20

Hi All,

Looking for opinions & perspective. Wife has said she'd like to go on holiday with her best mate for a week. We have two children and I have no problem looking after them for a week. As a SAHM I think she fully deserves a week off. Problem is, the best friend is single (both in their late 30's) and they want to go to a party island (not decided but Tenerife, Majorca, Ibiza, Crete have all been mentioned). The best friend likes living the single life (but is always looking out for a boyfriend) and meeting guys, so basically the best friend wants a "wing woman" to go away with. They both like a drink, scratch that, when the opportunity arises they like to get legless.

Is it fair that I am uncomfortable with my wife being in that environment for a full week with a friend who is likely to want to go out to bars and clubs to meet guys most (if not every) night with the inevitable drink fuelled shenanigans that would follow?

Before the inevitable "don't you trust your wife question", I do, to an extent, but an extended stay in this environment watching a single friend do what she wants is a worry.

So, what do you think?

OP posts:
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fuzzyduck1 · 04/04/2018 10:17

Late 30’s on a petty island?
She’ll love it but I bet she comes home saying she felt old around all those kids drinking the self stupid.

My ex done it with some of her friends to Crete and ended up mothering a group of teenagers when one of their friends went missing and talk to the police as she spoke Greek. Sadly the poor kid was found dead a few days later.

RB68 · 04/04/2018 10:17

I would say the way to approach this is an open conversation about your concerns - not an argument or a "discussion" but a conversation - you are not against a holiday per se or even the destination but have concerns about who she is going with and her behaviours. Nothing wrong with a night out and a few drinks but I would say its not fair to leave a partner at home concerned that you are going to go off the rails under the influence of a "friend" . Sounds like you question how much of a friend the friend really is.

AyeAyeFishyPie · 04/04/2018 10:19

I don't see how her being a SAHM is in anyway relevant and your wording isn't terribly endearing.

However - if the roles were reversed and your wife was posting about you going away I would be very happy to bet that most posters would be saying they weren't happy.

I also don't understand why an attached person would want to go with a single person to a holiday like that. If I couldn't pull i don't quite know what I would do on a party island?!

Theimpossiblegirl · 04/04/2018 10:32

A week is a long time to party and she'd probably find it a bit repetitive after a few days. A compromise could be a weekend away with her friend then a week away with you and the kids.

The SAHM bit is irrelevant, I feel sorry for the OP, it was clumsy wording to give context, no need to jump on it.

I wouldn't want DH to go on this type of holiday, whether I trust him or not. If a woman was posting about her DH wanting to go partying with his single mate for a week people would be up in arms.

Original poster
NoKissKissNoBangBang · 04/04/2018 10:34

@AyeAyeFishyPie just using SAHM to give context to show she doesn't get much time to herself away from the home.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoKissKissNoBangBang · 04/04/2018 10:37

@RB68 I think you are one of the few posters who have tried to grasp my concerns rather than choose to interpret my post to flame me, and you have, so thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoKissKissNoBangBang · 04/04/2018 10:42

@Theimpossiblegirl Thank you, clumsy or not, it's just contextual. We'll go away for a family holiday separate to this, so I'd encourage her to do something for herself, I just feel uncomfortable with what has been suggested.

I didn't post this for people to tell me why I'm wrong to have the feelings I do, but, to tell me their opinion of how they may feel in a similar situation.

OP posts:
NotUmbongoUnchained · 04/04/2018 10:45

OP I go away on a big girls holiday twice a year, 80% of my friends who go are single. It’s usually somehwre cheap, sunny and with lots of booze. We usually make lots of friends when we’re there. Chances are she will get friendly with other groups of women who are married etc and it will be fine. Some people do love getting smashed and sitting in the sun. If you trust her, there’s nothing wrong with that.

TheSassyAssassin · 04/04/2018 10:45

Sounds like she wants a break from her life for a week and going on hols with her single friend and having a bit of a party obviously sounds really appealing as it's the precise opposite of her life right now, so essentially I can see where she's coming from and it should, of course, be her choice. However I understand where you are coming from too but don't think you have necessarily framed it in the best way...hence the flaming! If a portion of your concern is around concerns about her welfare, as opposed to becoming a cuckolded male, then you have every right to voice that. I would be having a really honest conversation with her if it were me. Let her know you want her to have a great time but her coming back safely is your paramount concern.

user1487175389 · 04/04/2018 10:47

Whatever she wants and can afford! She's not your property/ servant!

m0therofdragons · 04/04/2018 10:49

I went to Magaluf with a friend at 19 years old and single. We had a lovely time, beautiful beaches, lazing round the pool then dancing in the clubs at night. Didn't shag anyone because that's not what I was after. If your marriage is that fragile and you think so little of your wife then it doesn't bode well!

ToriRay · 04/04/2018 10:49

It's up to her. If that's how she wants to spend her holiday, then I hope she has a great time! Either way, support her and do not make her feel guilty for going. Would you think it 'appropriate' to 'allow' her to go on a hen do??

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 04/04/2018 10:49

I personally would hate to go away with one other if this was the itinerary. It’s so far away from life as a parent, and belongs in the past. FWIW I would have no desire to re-visit those party days.

I’d want to lie still and listen to the silence.

Going away with one other would be quite intense. Maybe suggest invite a couple more friends along?

Ibiza would be perfect. Beautiful place with lots of options to party or not.

Original poster
NoKissKissNoBangBang · 04/04/2018 10:51

@Mynewnameforabit Just wanted to say thanks for your post. Again, one of the few responses that tried to grasp the concern rather than interpret just to have a pop.

OP posts:
Lonesurvivor · 04/04/2018 10:52

I wouldn't want my husband going on a holiday like this and it would be the last type of holiday I'd want for myself.
I'd struggle to understand why she wants to accompany her friend if her friend is mainly going to be looking to meet someone on nights out.
Does your wife realise there's a possibility she'll be dumped if her friend meets someone?
Has your wife any other options of people to go on holiday with.

Myusernameisunique · 04/04/2018 10:59

I do this kind of holiday pretty much yearly with DSis. Shes engaged now but wasn't when we started going away and we do 4 nights/5 days now as I can't leave my 2 DDs any longer as i miss them but I enjoy the adult holiday so much. Oh and in the 10 years I've done these holidays I've never cheated on DH! You're an idiot or obviously have other issues within your marriage if that worries you. I'm a SAHM as well.

missyB1 · 04/04/2018 10:59

I’m struggling to understand why she wants to go in this particular kind of holiday, each to their own and all that but I think she might regret it. Did the friend pick the holiday by any chance? Because she’s picked one that suits her entirely but maybe not your wife so much.
I’d be concerned for your wife if they are both legless and her mate pulls, your wife could be left in a worrying situation.
Talk to her about the kind of holiday they have picked and why.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 04/04/2018 11:02

I wouldn't like it. It's basically a 'singles' holiday for her friend.

There's nothing wrong with your wife wanting a holiday on her own, but this type would be my idea of hell.

kateandme · 04/04/2018 11:05

i would hate for dp to go away for this type of holiday.you can trust someone fully and still feel uncomfortable with them being in that kin of environment.
if this was a woman coming on here posting her worries of her hard working husband having some fully warrented time off with his mates bt going to party island where woman will be single,drinks flowing partys all the time and a friend hes with a party animal we would all be up in arms and supportive.
could you have a discussion with her openly.not getting her on the defensicve but simply say it make you feel worried.let yourself appear a little vunerable about it not angry and possessive.more that you no how these places are and single blokes and you just want her to be safe.

DrWhy · 04/04/2018 11:26

No comment on whether the holiday is appropriate or not but I think it’s entirely relevant that she’s a SAHM. I assume this means she wants a holiday that is a week completely away from tho kids and a total break. I work full time out of the home and miss my DS desperately, I would absolutely not want or need to be away from him on a girls holiday for a week, however I can totally see how a SAHM would want to because it’s a break from her ‘work’ in a way that a family holiday wouldn’t be.

ShirleyValentineswall · 04/04/2018 11:38

Mykonos

Tartyflette · 04/04/2018 12:00

I have seen several threads here with women asking if they were BU over DHs/DPs going on 'lads' holidays or stag weekends/weeks to, um, dubious destinations - (in fact I remember one where a DH was going to Thailand for a stag party, the OP was unhappy about it and the near unanimous response was no, she was definitely not BU.)
There was very little 'He's an adult, he can go on holiday where he likes, it's not up to you/don't you trust him?' etc but when a man comes on and asks something similar he gets hostility because he says his wife is a SAHM in the title. (I totally get the context, BTW.)

Double standards yet again.

user7680 · 04/04/2018 12:01

I think you’re possessive and controlling she should go if she wants she doesn’t need your permission

LucyGayheart · 04/04/2018 12:08

The best friend likes living the single life (but is always looking out for a boyfriend) and meeting guys, so basically the best friend wants a "wing woman" to go away with

Is this your wife's interpretation of the situation, or yours? Because you sound as if you disapprove of the friend (for her singleness? for the fact that she's up for a boyfriend? for the fact she likes 'meeting guys? for her drinking?) Because you seem to be very carefully not accepting that this, presumably, is the holiday your wife actually wants.

If they are best friends, they have presumably been away before, and your wife would not want to go if she had a problem with the way her friend behaves on holiday -- she's not some brow-beaten 'wingwoman' (ghastly term) at the beck and call of her partying friend, or she would either not be considering going or would be arguing for a different choice of destination.

LucyGayheart · 04/04/2018 12:18

Oh, and enough with the big-eyed faux-innocent accusations of double standards. Stag party posts on here are garlanded with discussions of strip clubs, private dances, visits to prostitutes and the virtual expectation of 'laddish bad behaviour' predicated on peer pressure from a group of drunk male friends who feel they are supposed to shag about on the pretext of the groom's Last Night of Freedom Before the Ball and Chain etc etc. (A male friend who got married a few years back was greeted with utter incomprehension and intimations that there was something lacking in his masculinity when his 'stag' involved taking out some boats on the Avon and then dinner in an expensive country-house restaurant.)

This is a SAHM going abroad with one friend to let her hair down. Unless we go along with the OP's characterisation of the friend as a promiscuous drunk who deliberately wants to lead his wife astray because she wants a 'wingwoman' in her attempts to bag chaps Hmm, I cannot imagine anyone will be pressuring her into a strip club or a brothel, buying her dances where a naked man grinds on her lap, or peer-pressuring her into having sex because of the Ball and Chain That Is Marriage.