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Original poster

What's an appropriate holiday for a SAHM?

184 replies

NoKissKissNoBangBang · 04/04/2018 09:20

Hi All,

Looking for opinions & perspective. Wife has said she'd like to go on holiday with her best mate for a week. We have two children and I have no problem looking after them for a week. As a SAHM I think she fully deserves a week off. Problem is, the best friend is single (both in their late 30's) and they want to go to a party island (not decided but Tenerife, Majorca, Ibiza, Crete have all been mentioned). The best friend likes living the single life (but is always looking out for a boyfriend) and meeting guys, so basically the best friend wants a "wing woman" to go away with. They both like a drink, scratch that, when the opportunity arises they like to get legless.

Is it fair that I am uncomfortable with my wife being in that environment for a full week with a friend who is likely to want to go out to bars and clubs to meet guys most (if not every) night with the inevitable drink fuelled shenanigans that would follow?

Before the inevitable "don't you trust your wife question", I do, to an extent, but an extended stay in this environment watching a single friend do what she wants is a worry.

So, what do you think?

OP posts:

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Set a reminder

Petitepamplemousse · 04/04/2018 16:54

YABU and you should trust your wife no matter where she wants to go on holiday.

Viviennemary · 04/04/2018 16:55

No. It's not on. She wants to go on a singles holiday with her friend. I knew somebody who did that and they were divorced not long after. Say if she wants the single life then she can have it but she can't have both. Her choice. Different if it was a group of friends in similar circumstances but it isn't. It's a single person. Nothing to do with whose paying for it.

elisenbrunnen · 04/04/2018 17:08

BTW - my marriage ended on the day my DH told me that I couldn't take a week to 'holiday' at a language course.
Are you suggesting that a man forbidding you from doing an educational course, is just the same as one expressing discomfort (no mention of his trying to prevent her from going, just expressing his concern) about his wife going on a drinking, singles style holiday

Does it matter why i wanted a holiday? If I wanted a drinking holiday, or an educational one - HE went on work 'jollies' for at least a week per month, for years. Yet I was not allowed a week away? THAT'S why my marriage ended

DairyisClosed · 04/04/2018 17:13

I would be 100% comfortable with my husband taking this kind of holiday but then again it's because I know he would spend most of the time hiding in his room/a cafe with a book. Ultimately you knew what kind of person your wife was when you married her. You took the risk that she would do something she shouldn't. It's not fair for you to now dictate what kinds of holidays she should take, how she should go out etc. If you didn't want to worry about your wife drunkenly hooking up with someone you should have married someone else. It's not fair for you to now turn around and tell her not to do the things she enjoys because they make you worried.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 04/04/2018 17:22

To answer your question about going ahead and doing something your spouse feels uncomfortable with, I would say that I would encourage that person to think about why they are uncomfortable, and then get over it.

ToriRay · 04/04/2018 17:28

No. It's not on. She wants to go on a singles holiday with her friend. I knew somebody who did that and they were divorced not long after.

Oh please! A holiday doesn't cause a divorce unless there are preexisting issues or similar.
A 'holiday island' is lovely weather, relaxing days and some dancing and having fun. Of course you can find filth and debauchery, much like every major city in the U.K. (And beyond) but I do wonder if the 'thought' of what goes on in these destinations is actually overriding the reality of what the holiday will be.

user1474652148 · 04/04/2018 17:29

I am sorry for op for the aggressive replies totally unwarranted.

Just because your wife is gregarious which is a quality would not automatically mean she would feel entirely comfortable on a party island and it is questionable if she is exhausted why she is going there of all places.

Honestly I would cook dinner and over a bottle of wine tell her you support her idea of a holiday but are worried about the destination. You are not unreasonable to talk to her. If it were the other way around would she be comfortable? Probably not. Does anyone want their lovely wife or husband surrounded by beer soaked revellers. It is not about her and the trust you have in her, I believe you when you say you trust her. It is the unsavoury, quite frankly sometimes dangerous grubby environment she will be in.

I don’t agree that we can all just do as we please, a marriage is about compromise and respect.

I would be wary of this friend too, as she is in a totally different place. Dragging along your wife.

The question is why would your wife WANT to go?
You need to find out why she isn’t telling her friend this isn’t for her ( if she doesn’t want to go) and if she is keen what is it that appeals to her?
Does she get enough care and attention at home? I have friends that go out clubbing to feel ‘attractive’ again because they don’t feel very appealing anymore. Just a thought.

Do talk to her.

user1474652148 · 04/04/2018 17:41

I would also agree to differ on the view that anyone can go anywhere and trust will overcome anything.

That is not true.

Certain places have bad reputation for spiking drinks, drugging girls, violence and are generally not safe. DW may not choose to be unfaithful but be severely compromised. Chances are she will be fine, but we don’t know that for sure. The stellar assertion that if this happened it would not affect their marriage would not apply. It would devastate them both.
We have all been to nightclubs where man grope women and are not respectful.
If you loved someone would you want them compromised?
Op doesn’t sound like the kind of person that holds his wife back, far from it, he is etirely reasonable so obviously he has real reservations about this one.

user1474652148 · 04/04/2018 17:41

Man - men
Entirely

LucyGayheart · 04/04/2018 17:44

Actually the OP has had perfectly reasonable replies. Unless he actually thinks his wife is being browbeaten by her friend into a clubbing holiday she doesn't want, he needs to acknowledge that this is what his wife finds appealing, and that his major problem is that he doesn't think she should find it appealing.

Does anyone want their lovely wife or husband surrounded by beer soaked revellers.
I think that's pretty much how nightclubs work.

Oh, and as regards more 'sedate' UK destinations, I know someone who had a ONS with a fellow-guest in a Cotswolds hotel where her quilting convention was staying.

bastardkitty · 04/04/2018 17:45

I thought quilting circles were notorious for the filth Lucy

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 04/04/2018 17:46

when i saw the title I thought you were going to be asking about self catering and whether its too much like home and not a proper rest.
Of course she can go away with her pal. Don't be such a dick about it!

LucyGayheart · 04/04/2018 17:49

Certain places have bad reputation for spiking drinks, drugging girls, violence and are generally not safe. DW may not choose to be unfaithful but be severely compromised. Chances are she will be fine, but we don’t know that for sure. The stellar assertion that if this happened it would not affect their marriage would not apply. It would devastate them both.
We have all been to nightclubs where man grope women and are not respectful.
If you loved someone would you want them compromised?

User, may I ask how old you are? I don't think I've seen 'compromised' used in that way since 1930s novels. What do you mean by 'compromised'? If the OP's wife's drink was spiked and/or she was sexually assaulted on her holiday, she would be the victim of a crime, not 'compromised'.

LucyGayheart · 04/04/2018 17:51

Are they really, bastard? I know less than nothing about quilting, and only know this woman because she went on to marry a friend of mine a long time afterwards, but I love the notion that there's a whole culture of patchwork depravity.

NoqontroI · 04/04/2018 17:53

Not my sort of holiday but up to her. Not up to you. I don't like your thread title, it's very controlling and you don't own her. Also the children are equally your responsibility so it doesn't need to be said that you have no problems with looking after them, after all, they are your children. So as a parent it's your job to actually look after them. Asuitable holiday is whatever she decides it is. Not you. Glad I'm not married to a twat bag like she clearly is.

ToriRay · 04/04/2018 17:53

lucy and bastard how do I join?!

user1474652148 · 04/04/2018 17:58

In that case lots of men should be charged for sexual assault because the groping and pushy blokes are part and parcel of clubbing ( as we acknowledge) I don’t think it is right that we should have to put up with it but it is the reality. As you well know.
So op might not feel desperately enthusiastic about his wife being there. I wouldn’t like it either!

Thebluedog · 04/04/2018 17:58

I have no specific concern that she would get up to anything with a member of the opposite sex, and agree she could do this pretty much any time she chose, I'm just uncomfortable with her being in that environment.

Can you say why you feel uncomfortable?

GertrudeBelle · 04/04/2018 17:59

Such double standards here.

I wonder what the response would have been if OP was female and was concerned about her husband taking a week’s holiday in Thailand with mate looking for a shag?

She would be inundated with responses saying that the DH was trying to lead a single life, that he should grow up and recognise family responsibilities, that the OP was allowing herself to be treated like a doormat.

NoqontroI · 04/04/2018 18:09

Not double standards. If my oh wanted to go on holiday with his mate to Thailand I wouldn't even question it. Just because the mate is looking for a shag doesn't mean oh will also. And Thailand has more to offer than just shagging. So I'm sure both would get something out of the holiday.

larrygrylls · 04/04/2018 18:12

I would say no to this in the OP's position.

Of course she has every right to go. Equally the OP has every right to end the marriage. It is a singles (aka pulling) holiday. If they are both out chatting up men, then is the OP's wife every night going to go back quietly to her room with a book when the action starts? Seriously?!

There is nothing controlling about this. It is no more controlling than a woman demands her husband does not go to a lap dancing club.

If the OP's wife wants to lead a single life, she has every right to be single.

windchimesabotage · 04/04/2018 18:14

You have worded your OP quite badly in a way that is going to offend a lot of people!
But I get the general gist because I would personally be a bit taken aback if my husband wanted to go on a holiday like this without me.
To be fair though if your wife is a SAHM she may well want to do something that she does not usually get to do because she has responsibility for kids all the time. Like get drunk and be silly!
The being with a single friend around drunk men is not an issue really because either you trust your wife or you dont. I would be the same about my husband.... I think id be slightly hurt that he wanted to go away without me but I certainly would not think twice about him being with single friends around drunk women because we have a happy marriage and I seriously doubt any context would make him cheat on me.
Id be worried if she did this type of holiday regularly or in some way seemed like she was unhappy in the marriage...... but on the face of it it seems she just wants to go away with her friend who has less responsibilities than her and do something silly for a week in the sun!! I really dont think that is that odd.
It is quite controlling to say things like 'id be uncomfortable with her in that environment' I mean shes not going to a strip club or a brothel is she? Im sure she will just be going to a few cocktail bars and a beach..... what is actually wrong with that?
I think maybe she wants a break from being a wife and mother.... and you seem to think that she needs to be a wife and mother ALL the time and that involves not being in places that in your opinion wives and mothers should not be......

And for all the PP who are saying what would you say if the genders were swapped round? Well exactly the same thing.

Going to some cocktail bars and a beach with a single friend is not akin to going to strip clubs or trying to get laid in Thailand for gods sake!! It doesnt matter which gender you are!

NoqontroI · 04/04/2018 18:16

OP's wife every night going to go back quietly to her room with a book when the action starts? Seriously?

What the shagging action? Then yeah she probably would go back to her room wouldn't she. Or stay in the bar and have another drink and then go back

LucyGayheart · 04/04/2018 18:19

There is nothing controlling about this. It is no more controlling than a woman demands her husband does not go to a lap dancing club.

Are you actually equating the OP's wife going on a clubbing holiday to a 'party island' with her best friend with a man paying for a possibly trafficked woman to take her clothes off, and possibly, if he pays more, grind her naked body on his?

LucyGayheart · 04/04/2018 18:21

Tori, I've just remember another friend who did the Camino de Santiago a couple of years ago said there was a fair bit of bedhopping at some of the livelier refugios.

So there you go, quilting and pilgrimages -- hotbeds of sexuality.

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