Would you read a novel that started off like this?

[DameIfYouDo]

The pain was excruciating but the humiliation was worse. My brother had told on me. I guess it took the heat off him if he could focus it on me.

I sat sobbing quietly at the table when Dad arrived home from work. I hadn't been allowed to move from the table since the beating. I knew better than to tell him why I was crying as she was hovering; listening - all powerful, totally in control. I guess he knew why I was crying.

I knew I wouldn't be allowed to sit on his knee that day, so I choked down my dinner. I don't recall what dinner was. It might have been nice.

The following day I woke up and was driven to school by my mother. Every stride up to the school gates was painful and a reminder that I was different.

I had been doing handstands the previous day with a short pleated skirt. In front of the boys. That was the mortal sin. I had done it in front of the boys. Showing off my knickers apparently. I was 8. I still remember what the items of clothing were but not what that dinner had been. I hid those clothes in my wardrobe and they were never worn again. In my innocence I thought they were at fault. They were now the reason for the beating; my clothes.

@Blitzermaloneyallskinnyandbony Thanks for your post, but I can now happily cross it off my to do list!

I like the use of ‘told On me’ but you need to ensure your child first person voice is consistent throughout- recall (too formal), guess (too American?) and use of passive voice - I was driven to school by- i’d change All that to set in a child’s POV.

And yes. I think you need the first ch in the adult char POV. Then show back story in flashbacks.

Good luck!

Wow, Dame, you have all the makings of a truly gifted writer.

Christ, just caught up with the posts on here. Bloody hell. Op, you’d be a lot better doing writing groups and sharing your writing with other writers than asking on here (and I bet their writing is nothing to be proud of).

I like a lot about your opening ch. I like the choppy sentences. They work. You’d lose the sense of tension if you changed to longer sentences like a pp advised.

I’d keep going. Keep writing. You have a sense of rhythm and timing. I’d like to see more by you.

Llangennith - wtf? Unhelpful. Which words are spelled wrongly?

(and I bet their writing is nothing to be proud of).

But they're not purporting to be fiction authors.

@DameIfIDo you keep coming back to tell people you’re not writing it, which is unfortunately attracting less helpful remarks.

You don’t need to tell people here or anywhere that you’ve decided not to write!

Nor do you need to stop just because people on here don’t like it.

It’s a wee bit self-pitying and I think that will get people’s backs up!

@IvanaPee.

1. I tried. I failed. But I tried. How many of you have? Everyone is an expert as they say.

1. I stated I was not going to write anymore to shut people up as there is only so much shit a very timid first time writer can take.

1. I have no idea why a piece of awful writing could get anyone's back up. Nor why if I had thought it brilliant and now realised how shit is was might get anyone's back up.

1. It's my writing and I asked one question. People then decided they were all editors. That's cool. I don't give a shit. As I said, everyone is an expert. But I certainly reserve the right to say 'blah, thanks for the feedback, I'm crap, blah thanks'. There is no need to stick the fucking boot in. This is not AIBU.

Maybe y'all should go and provide some feedback on the other threads in 'creative writing' that have very little currently rather than keep coming back to this one to argue pointlessly with the OP.

Someone might think you all get a kick out of it otherwise.

OP, from posts I’ve read by you on another thread today, you are a vulnerable person who should probably bow out of the thread. If you still want to write, you should not let some negative opinions of a first draft single paragraph deter you. I’m assuming that ‘write a novel’, rather than ‘write a paragraph’ was on your bucket list. Good luck.

I've never purported to be a fiction author either. I was asked whether it was fact or fiction and I stated that it was fiction. I am certainly no author, nor do I wish to be after these few hours at Gethsemane!

Parthenope. I am far from vulnerable. Thank you.

Dame, I wasn’t sticking the boot in! Certainly not intentionally.

I was saying that the constant posting might look like fishing for compliments and that was probably getting people’s backs up hence the more recent rather harsh replies.

The “suddenly everyone’s an editor” comment is unnecessarily arsey. People have tried to help. Some of us ARE writers and editors as a matter of fact, who speak from experience.

Anyway, I’ll bow out now. I feel like this thread is giving you a perverse sort of kick and I’m not in the market for getting into an online argument with someone who has stuff going on.

I wish you the best. And I don’t think you should stop writing!

PMSL! Fishing for compliments???????????? Oh gosh, I've just stopped laughing in bafflement.

Not that I've read to the end of your post, can I tell you that your opinion honey means nothing to me.
I am well capable of reading a consensus without taking individual comments to heart. Don't think your comment means anything to me @IvanaPee

And if I was fishing for compliments, MN would be the last fucking lagoon on earth that I'd choose to fish in!

I didn't know Creative Writing was such a busy board! Who'd have thought eh?

There are loads of published writers on here. I could probably name a dozen.

Suffices to say I won't be joining their ranks.

And someone stated that my goal was to write a novel and not a paragraph.
No, my goal was to write something people would buy.
I've got my answer and it is well and truly kicked off the bucket list!

No, I don't read depressing books.

It was never a dream for me, it was just something that my friends kept pushing me to and I felt lazy for not trying.
Well, I came, I saw, and I ran away with my tail between my legs. Writing for an audience is not for me. Anyway, even if it was, you've all told me I'm a bit shite haha.
So nope. Got that one out of my system!

@AwakeNow Just for the record, the main character becomes a kickass female character.

Glad to hear that.

You definitely don't seem to have what it takes to write for an audience, from the way you've responded to the people giving you advice here.

Personally I disliked the choppy writing style. I know what you were going for, but it read like a list, especially the second version.

Perhaps stick to personal writing - for your own enjoyment if you can't hack constructive criticism from others.