Would you read a novel that started off like this?

[DameIfYouDo]

The pain was excruciating but the humiliation was worse. My brother had told on me. I guess it took the heat off him if he could focus it on me.

I sat sobbing quietly at the table when Dad arrived home from work. I hadn't been allowed to move from the table since the beating. I knew better than to tell him why I was crying as she was hovering; listening - all powerful, totally in control. I guess he knew why I was crying.

I knew I wouldn't be allowed to sit on his knee that day, so I choked down my dinner. I don't recall what dinner was. It might have been nice.

The following day I woke up and was driven to school by my mother. Every stride up to the school gates was painful and a reminder that I was different.

I had been doing handstands the previous day with a short pleated skirt. In front of the boys. That was the mortal sin. I had done it in front of the boys. Showing off my knickers apparently. I was 8. I still remember what the items of clothing were but not what that dinner had been. I hid those clothes in my wardrobe and they were never worn again. In my innocence I thought they were at fault. They were now the reason for the beating; my clothes.

Don't get too hung up on trying to make the opening paragraphs perfect. Start writing from a point at which you're confident. Once you have a clear idea of the structure of the story, it will be easier to decide on the most effective opening.

I recently read a psychological thriller - I won't name it as this is a huge spoiler - where the opening pages were exactly the same as the climactic event in the novel, but the second time you read them, you knew exactly who was involved and what was going on (and it wasn't what you'd have expected in the first chapter). It was very effective.

How about this version?

I had been doing handstands the previous day with a short pleated skirt. In front of the boys. We had such fun. Who could hold a handstand for the longest. That was the mortal sin. I had done it in front of the boys. Showing off my knickers apparently. I was 8. I still remember what the items of clothing were but not what that dinner had been. I hid those clothes in my wardrobe and they were never worn again. In my innocence I thought they were at fault. They were now the reason for the beating; my clothes.

The pain of the beating was excruciating but the humiliation was worse. My brother had told my mother about this transgression. I guess it took the heat off him.

I sat sobbing quietly at the table when Dad arrived home from work. I hadn't been allowed to move from the table since the beating. I knew better than to tell him why I was crying as she was hovering and I know that he knew why I was crying.

I knew I wouldn't be allowed to sit on his knee that evening, so I choked down my dinner. I don't recall what dinner was. It might have been nice.

The following day I woke up and was driven to school by my mother. Every stride from the car to the school gates was painful - and a reminder that I was different. My eyes were swollen from crying and my thighs were bruised a purple hue from the beating. I was wearing trousers this day. I met my friends at the steps of the school and felt at home.

No, but the writing is immature. You're chopping up the text with incorrect grammar and telling the reader a lot rather than allowing description and nuance to show them it - a drawback of first person, I'd always do third.

Don't do 'child-like' sentence fragmentation.
As a past teacher once told me: many great writers have misused grammar to great effect in their literature... but you are not a famous, great writer and so it just looks like you can't write.

You'll get there, keep on trucking. I like misery literature of a kind, more the new adult kind.

I preferred the first version, as that built tension and interest, wondering why the girl had been beaten. That tension is lost by describing her 'transgression' first and giving the beating as a consequence.

I preferred the first version. More tense and more of a build up.

Lol, I give up.
Back to school for me I think!

thanks for all the feedback. Very much appreciated. Not yet a writer though! And that's useful feedback which I appreciate. Thanks.

I agree with the earlier advice that you should read a lot more in your genre. If you don't like that type of book it might explain why you are having a few problems. Maybe you prefer something slightly different to read but like the drama of the character's difficult start in life. It reminds me of what they call sagas but in a more modern setting, not sure if that is a genre -modern sagas?

Not enough detail. The scene setting etc. I read lots of books like this. But this isn't in depth enough for me

@ScreamingValenta what was the book? I think I read it! Was it about the disappearance of a young girl??

I would start with her sitting at the table, then her father coming home and she's hoping he would give her hug, but he wouldn't.

She's then allowed to her room, and puts her skirt scrounged up in a drawer, because of the cartwheels, and so on.

she wonders whether dad gave her brother a hug, and here you work in the telling on.

last is her thinking about dinner and feeling sick because she chocked on it and here you use the "might have been nice" line. I think this is a good line to finish on.

And then you have the dropping off to school, although that might go in a separate chapter.

Writing is choppy. Writing is a theme called misery. Not popular. I genuinely did not know that theme. I've never read a similar book. I usually read detective thrillers.

This really stands out to me. You're not going to write a good novel unless it contains a lot of what you know. Either write about what you know or do a shit load of research

ChardonnaysPrettySister That's not what would have happened.

I think I can refine the story and then get someone to edit it. It's hard to edit your own work as you stop seeing mistakes and ease of reading.

I'll just write it. Nothing wrong with writing as a hobby I suppose!

I've good plots as to where she ends up. My writing though leaves a lot to be desired. The feedback wasn't entirely negative, so I think I can write. Probably need a few grammar lessons. Or you're all being kind and it was shit lol.

The thing is, you’ll ask 100 people and get 100 different opinions! I’m not sure how much it’ll help you.

To me, it WAS very clear it was the mother.
I liked the ‘apparently’, but I’d have it stand alone ‘.....’. Apparently.

I FAR preferred your original version to others rewrites and your own rewrite.

My very minor rewrite...

The pain was excruciating, but the humiliation was worse.

My brother had told on me. I suppose it took the spot light off him if he could refocus it on me.

I was sitting, sobbing quietly, at the table when my Dad arrived home from work. I was tired, I hadn't been allowed to move from the table since the beating. I knew better than to tell him why I was crying, she was hovering; listening - all powerful, totally in control. I guess he knew why I was crying. I knew I wouldn't be allowed to sit with him that evening. I choked down my dinner, I don't recall what it was.

The following day I was dropped off at school by my mother, every stride up to the school gates was painful and a reminder that I was different.

The previous day I had been doing handstands, in a short pleated skirt, oblivious to the boys. That was the mortal sin. I had done it in front of the boys. ‘Showing off my knickers’. Apparently. I was 8. I still remember what the items of clothing were, but not what that dinner had been. I had hidden my clothes in my wardrobe, never to be worn again. In my innocence I thought they were at fault. That they were the reason for the beating; my clothes.

Hey op, I like your original version. One thing that stands out to me is that nearly every sentence starts with 'I'. This is something I used to do at school as my English teacher pointed it out to me quite a lot! Maybe try and mix it up a bit. I don't think you're off to a bad start at all though and would happily read more :)

Thanks so much for the feedback. You've given me hope that I'm not entirely illiterate and may be able to write. It is very much appreciated.

I think the content was difficult to read so may have distracted from people critiquing the writing itself, let alone the writing style. Most of the book is written from the perspective of the first person.
When you're saying it's a bit crap, is it that it's crap, not my taste in writing, or that it's super crap, you can't write?

It might have been nice
Really don't like that sentence at all. You can do something more powerful here. The details are important.
Showing off my knickers apparently.
No need for the word apparently in that sentence, it sounds like a question. It's not a question is it? It's describing what happened.

I think you need to research your genre. Also try reading it aloud. Write it, rewrite it, rewrite it again. If you want a hard hitting first passage then it needs to flow perfectly, almost like un-rhymed poetry. It should have a strong stanza if you're going to pull off the short sentences.

Sorry if that seems like lots of criticism. Honestly, it is interesting and captivating but it's also pretty rough round the edges. You need to really be able to picture it. I have half a picture from this, please build the rest!

Also, might be a good idea to get some sounds, smells, tastes, etc.

Also, It's significant to the narrator that she could remember everything about the beating, but not what the dinner was. I mention it twice for a reason. She is trying to remember the event at times, and at other times she's questioning her memory of the event. She's not sure whether her memory of the event is real, so she can't remember some details. Maybe I should have just spelled that out rather than suggesting it?

The apparently is because the child and the mother disagree on the motivation. The child was just doing handstands. Apparently, there was another motivation according to the mother.

In all honesty and kindness, do you think my writing is crap?
I write for myself, this is the first time anyone has ever read it.
I'm quite happy to hear 'honey, you can't write'.

It would give me an excuse to stop writing lol.

I think apparently is fine if there's a separate sentence. It needs a pause.

I think you need to explain why she can't remember as a lot of people remember every detail of a traumatic memory (people with PTSD can often remember the smell in the air, the taste in their mouth etc.) whilst others block out memories so they actually can't remember However hard they try. So as this is unclear it looks sloppy and like you haven't researched recall of trauma, especially to people who read the genre regularly and are used to reading the detailed PTSD type recall with closing sentences like "I don't remember what happened after that, as everything went black" as they went from one state of PTSD to another,
Does that make sense?

I have read some stuff on here and been kind. Please don't be kind to me. Be brutal. Can I write or not?

AngelaStorm Thanks for your feedback. I think this scene is to describe where she has come from, so I have not researched whether she would remember anything or not. I've described what it is that I think she remembers. The bare facts so to speak.
Her past will be involved in how she acts in the present day but this scene is not necessarily defining.

Keep trying. You need more action in the opening scenes though. It's all 'tell' about what has happened. No tension or movement. As a pp said, you need to show, not tell. Maybe base the scene around her sitting at the table and actively have the other characters come in, eat dinner, you can mention their previous actions through reference to their interactions at the table?

It's hard to edit your own work as you stop seeing mistakes and ease of reading
Yes, but an editor is surely not going to want to take apart each scene for you. What are you expecting from them?