Would you read a novel that started off like this?

[DameIfYouDo]

The pain was excruciating but the humiliation was worse. My brother had told on me. I guess it took the heat off him if he could focus it on me.

I sat sobbing quietly at the table when Dad arrived home from work. I hadn't been allowed to move from the table since the beating. I knew better than to tell him why I was crying as she was hovering; listening - all powerful, totally in control. I guess he knew why I was crying.

I knew I wouldn't be allowed to sit on his knee that day, so I choked down my dinner. I don't recall what dinner was. It might have been nice.

The following day I woke up and was driven to school by my mother. Every stride up to the school gates was painful and a reminder that I was different.

I had been doing handstands the previous day with a short pleated skirt. In front of the boys. That was the mortal sin. I had done it in front of the boys. Showing off my knickers apparently. I was 8. I still remember what the items of clothing were but not what that dinner had been. I hid those clothes in my wardrobe and they were never worn again. In my innocence I thought they were at fault. They were now the reason for the beating; my clothes.

I want to read more!

*NOT!

No, it's purely fictional.

I think a typical way of going about a story like that, where you've got something happening in the present and something which happened in the past, is to start at the present and work through the book to the incident that the book's all about, then after some chapters in the present, weave through the back story, until you reach the incident that's important there.

It's hard to explain but let's say your story in the present is about a woman who murders a man, and the past story is about the man as a boy, who did something terrible to the woman.

You'd start with the present day, ending up with the murder of the man. Once that story's established, after a few chapters, then start the back story, and lead up to the incident where the boy did something terrible.

Then you'd have two chapters, one where the boy does the terrible thing, then following that open with the chapter where eg the heroine says something to him so that he realises who she is. That will be the chapter/section where the two lives collide.

Don't forget it's a story of what happened and its impact on her life today. That impact can't be just her thinking about it or telling someone about it. There's no drama that way.

I would want to be reading about her adult life and be wondering why things felt a little off.

NamelessEnsign has expressed here what I was feeling but couldn't put a finger on.

I wouldn't read this.

It's too much too soon, the reader doesn't get to know the character and it's all thrown at him.

Also you say you used "told on me" because a child would say it, but then you have "focus on, "mortal sin', "apparently" so that's not very cohesive.

The bit where the mother drove her to school feels rushed.

Brilliant feedback. I've just probably started it off on the wrong foot or stage in life. I think I will introduce the character in the present day. Would you stick with the narrator being in the first person or not?

I really appreciate the feedback. Honestly. I know this board isn't frequented often, so I'm happy that you have taken the time to respond. I'm not a confident writer. I'm like Grimms Fairytales personified haha

I’m in publishing (a very different kind of publishing, and I’m no longer an editor). If you are ever thinking about submitting this as a project to an agent or publisher, you will need to make it easy for them to understand where the book fits in the genre, what inspired it, what you would consider to be complimentary titles, what your process has been, etc.

The sheer volume of fiction submissions means you will stand a much better chance if you help the publisher picture this book alongside other success stories. In order to do that well, I would encourage you to start with research and planning, alongside writing.

Even if you just search the category online and look inside the book at sample chapters etc.

Misery mem has somewhat passed as a book trend, though I am sure plenty of people still read it.

I don't know if it's because I am reading it on a forum, but it reads like a post on a forum iyswim?

I'd read that and go 'god no, too much misery'
It's a bit too much too soon to make me want to read on.

Sorry!

Can I ask from the writing was it obvious that it was the mother who had done the beating?

Does the novel flow better in 1st person or 3rd?

Are there parts where you would need to show another person's perspective, e.g. for dramatic irony or narrative tension?

Are there any explanatory bits that it would be difficult to include naturally as part of 1st person narrative - e.g. if you needed to describe the lengthy history of a place or event?
Do you want an omniscient authorial voice to comment on any of the events in the novel?

Best that in mind. Not bare.

Too chatty. Too corny. Just not well written.

Bear that in mind. Not best! 😮

Great tips there Valenta 🙂

I'd read on. I don't like "I guess" though. Think it's a real Americanism, I prefer "I suppose" but if you are American then fair enough!

It's not obvious who has beaten her. You could say:

"I guess it took the heat off him if he could make sure mum's attention was focused on me" or similar.

I wanted to portray that it was the mother who had beaten the child but nobody would believe it. Not even the reader. I agree, this shouldn't be the introductory chapter.

Thank you for the feedback. The genre is not misery. The genre will be triumph over disaster (whatever that is called).

I think there's too much telling, not enough showing, and therefore the reader might feel detached from it. I work in publishing and the rule is to make the reader feel like they're witnessing events as they happen, rather than hearing about them after the fact, if that makes sense.

For example, "I sat sobbing quietly at the table when Dad arrived home from work. I hadn't been allowed to move from the table since the beating. I knew better than to tell him why I was crying as she was hovering; listening - all powerful, totally in control. I guess he knew why I was crying..."

would be more immediate, less tell, more show, if it was along the lines of:

'Dad walked in and saw me sitting at the table. I was crying and my body stiff from being forced to sit in the same position for hours. I ached all over from where the blows had landed, so many that I'd lost count. Dad came over to ask me what was wrong, but Mum held out a hand to stop him. Our eyes met and in that moment I could see Dad knew exactly what had happened while he was at work. He shrank backwards, her control over him just as powerful as it was over me.'

Sorry it's just not very well written. A scene like that needs context and build up. There is no description of anything or build up of character or atmosphere- it's very conversational. It does not read like a novel at all.

If you haven’t read Room by Emma Donoghue, I’d recommend it. It’s first person, mostly from a 5 year old’s perspective, and the tone and pitch is nearly perfect.

Too depressing- sorry

No. Screams misery memoir to me. Which is not s genre I care for much.

I don’t object to short sentences particularly, but I’m not grabbed by your prose style. Some colour and context would help.

Regarding the choppy comments and a child’s thoughts, it doesn’t read as a child to me. It reads as an adult trying to sound like a child!

It’s a bit laboured.

But I think if you apply the tips you’re receiving here it will become more cohesive.