A Catholic confirmation conundrum!!

[Dontlletmedownbruce]

I can't decide about something so am asking for some MN wise words!

I am Irish Catholic in my 40s. Typical of my generation, Catholicism for me is mass at Christmas and Easter, maybe a few random other Sundays and Catholic celebrations like funerals, Holy Communions, Confirmations etc. I was married in a Church. My children go to the local Catholic school and they have been baptised and had their Communion. These events are not just important to me and DH but they are a big deal for our extended family, people travel to these and get new outfits etc.

I have twins who are due to make their Confirmation and one has now decided he does not wish to be a Catholic and wants to quit. I thought at first it was because the alternative activity offered to non Catholics during practice time was better but that doesn't seem to be the case. Not only does he not want the sacrament but he says he is atheist and that's never going to change. He is 12. If he doesn't have his confirmation this will cause complications if he wants to marry in a church, but otherwise doesn't make much of a difference to his life. He can stay at home from mass when we go. The real complication is I will need to go ahead with the confirmation and the family event for his twin who will get loads of money and fuss and he won't, I will also have to explain to everyone that its not his confirmation just his twins and explain his views. I feel grandparents will be difficult about this and it seems like a lot of unnecessary drama. DH is not too happy about this either.

Truthfully, my gut feeling is he is mature enough to make a decision and we should be respecting that. I actually admire his stance, he seems to have really thought it through and makes a very good case. I just don't want him to kick off on the day or turn around in 15 years and be annoyed with us for letting the kid version of himself make a decision like this. I am obviously his parent and I get to choose, I just can't decide what is the right thing to do here.

I'd be interested to know the views of any others who understand the culture and background. Some of my friends are very anti religion and don't understand at all why this would be an issue because they have elected to raise their children without religion and can be a bit sneery about those of us who have to chosen to do so.

The advice is to Baptise your child as soon as you can, so infant Baptism, yes. But not due to Limbo (which the Catholic Church now agrees was false doctrine and doesn't exist).

I love that he is thinking it through and you are supporting him in choosing for himself.

Ok thanks. Baptism of infants (when too young to consent) was the whole point of my post, but thanks for clarifying.

That's not true.

Jesus himself was baptised as an adult.

In the catholic history, people have got baptised at all ages.

He's not doing the thing that attracts the gifts. Like when somebody chooses not to get married, they have to buy their own teatowels and toaster.

No they don't have to baptise them as babies.

Sure jesus got baptised at around 30 years old.

You can get baptised at any age.

My cousin just got her son baptised, when he was aged 6. You can do it at any age you want.

I was forced in Catholicism when I was a child. That's dirt you can't wash off. Please don't inflict it on your child.

My dc all chose to be confirmed. Totally up to the child, they are the ones making the promises.

There's a lot of anger towards the Catholic church in Ireland isn't there.

I hate therr holier than thought attitude while they were torturing raping and killing children.

I'm not Irish. Born and raised north east England.

OK but you seem slightly angry at the catholic church too? Would you like to say any more?

If you don't want to you don't have to

The catholic baptisms I’ve been to happened when the kids were about 3 and school
Applications were pending

I would never endorse raising a child in the Catholic church or any religion. How can you pick something so intimate and personal as a religion for another person, you have no idea of their religious belief - it's a personal choice. I was raised to belive I would burn in hell for all eternity for any misbehaviour. Don't go to church - burn in hell. Don't listen to your parents - burn in hell. Fuck teaching a kid that, it's an awful thing to do.

Who said all?

Ffs yes you can do it at any age - you can convert as an adult, but the tradition and expectation in the church is for babies to be baptised soon after birth.

When I was growing up it was usually in the first month or 2 of life, compared to CofE friends where closer to 12 months seems more normal.

You wrote "Catholic parents are supposed to baptise their babies"

I pointed out that you are wrong and that Catholic families baptise their children at any age.

Yea I know children who got baptised at around age 3 and 4 aswell.

Your son is great OP to speak up for his own beliefs.

They are supposed to baptise their kids as babies.

The fact that not everyone does it changes nothing. The church also disapproves of a variety of things that lots of people do in everyday life.

Im not sure what your point is anyway, as a 3 or 6 year old is no more able to commit to a faith than a baby.

Usually about 8 for 1st Communion and 12 for Confirmation in Ireland (or sometimes 11 as smaller schools often prepare two classes together every 2nd year).

Ah the Catholic church is a load of BS

caveat - I’m not Rc but a practising Christian in another denomination , so I don’t know the details of exactly how it works in your church.

But what I think is that Of course you need to support your DS ! What’s the alternative - to force him to stand up and affirm things he believes to be lies ?? To do something he believe is morally wrong to keep uncle Terry happy ?

Is that the kind of value system you want to teach BOTH your children ?

The only question for you is how do you deal with this with extended family. How would it work if you went to your priest and explained to him that DS does not at the moment believe and that you know it would be very wrong to force him to participate in a sacrament against his will or just doing it for show? Would he be supportive of DS right to choose ?

If so then go ahead and do that. Then contact your family members and explain that Ds2 won't be getting confirmed but he wants to support his brother on the day, that you have spoken to father X who suggests that you all do XY and Z.

Then if you get any grief from your family , you can just keep saying that you support both boys, you are glad they are taking this important step in their life seriously, that Ds2 will get confirmed in the future if and when he feels ready and you have the total support of father X.

keep repeating that until they shut.

your DS is acting in a very mature way and in fact showing great respect for the teachings of the church .

As a practising devout Catholic and catechist, with the greatest respect, he absolutely should not be receiving the sacrament.
He is old enough to choose, and contrary to what someone said above, the sacrament of Confirmation cannot be annulled at a later date. Catholics believe that Baptism, Confirmation and Holy Orders leave an indelible mark on the soul which cannot be undone.

Confirmation, by it's very name, is confirmation by you (the receiver of the sacrament) that you understand and accept the promises made at Baptism. Do not do this just to get a card with few euro in. He can always receive Confirmation at a later date if he decides.

Good on him for choosing his path.
I would fully support, however I wouldn’t need any convincing to support as a lapsed catholic in Rural Ireland, I didn’t christen my kids, I didn’t marry in a church and with hundreds of cases against Christian Brothers (which my family has personal experience with), and every day I’m hearing adverts on the radio about how to apply for compensation if you have ever been subjected to mother and baby homes. None of these things are distant past.

Totally agree with what others have said re supporting him. He can always change his mind later if he wants but much more challenging to in make him confirmation.

Re the presents, I think you have to have a frank discussion with him. He’s choosing not to take this step and therefore get the celebrations/gifts/accolades that go with that. If one twin went to uni and the other didn’t they wouldn’t both get graduation gifts.