A Catholic confirmation conundrum!!

[Dontlletmedownbruce]

I can't decide about something so am asking for some MN wise words!

I am Irish Catholic in my 40s. Typical of my generation, Catholicism for me is mass at Christmas and Easter, maybe a few random other Sundays and Catholic celebrations like funerals, Holy Communions, Confirmations etc. I was married in a Church. My children go to the local Catholic school and they have been baptised and had their Communion. These events are not just important to me and DH but they are a big deal for our extended family, people travel to these and get new outfits etc.

I have twins who are due to make their Confirmation and one has now decided he does not wish to be a Catholic and wants to quit. I thought at first it was because the alternative activity offered to non Catholics during practice time was better but that doesn't seem to be the case. Not only does he not want the sacrament but he says he is atheist and that's never going to change. He is 12. If he doesn't have his confirmation this will cause complications if he wants to marry in a church, but otherwise doesn't make much of a difference to his life. He can stay at home from mass when we go. The real complication is I will need to go ahead with the confirmation and the family event for his twin who will get loads of money and fuss and he won't, I will also have to explain to everyone that its not his confirmation just his twins and explain his views. I feel grandparents will be difficult about this and it seems like a lot of unnecessary drama. DH is not too happy about this either.

Truthfully, my gut feeling is he is mature enough to make a decision and we should be respecting that. I actually admire his stance, he seems to have really thought it through and makes a very good case. I just don't want him to kick off on the day or turn around in 15 years and be annoyed with us for letting the kid version of himself make a decision like this. I am obviously his parent and I get to choose, I just can't decide what is the right thing to do here.

I'd be interested to know the views of any others who understand the culture and background. Some of my friends are very anti religion and don't understand at all why this would be an issue because they have elected to raise their children without religion and can be a bit sneery about those of us who have to chosen to do so.

I was forced into confirmation by my mother at 15, even though my convent school insisted it should be entirely my decision. Listen to him, actions have consequences, he sounds sensible enough to understand that.

It is his choice, don't pressurise. If he wants to be confirmed later in life he can be

So unlike other faiths right? I can just hear those parents in Belfast - ' It's confirmation time son , you still OK being Protestant? '
' No ma , thought I'd give the auld Latin Mass crowd a shot'

Parents do ask. My parents asked me did I want to be catholic.

Im sure some protestants have the same chat with their kids, and some of their kids will want to be atheist aswell.

The danger is when you don't ask your child what he wants to be

My son made his Confirmation last year and the lady who coordinated it between the school and the Church made it clear that it should be the child's choice and no be taken lightly which is fair enough.

My son wanted to be confirmed but had he not it would have been a non issue for me. My parents and parents in law are very religious but I absolutely would not make him go through a religious sacrament just to keep them (or anyone) happy!

Like most religions the world over, surely?

This is the whole point of confirmation. Parents make the promises on behalf of their kids at baptism because they are too young to do it themselves. When they are old enough to make the promises on their own behalf they do so, at Confirmation. OP’s son is entitled to make this decision and it’s right that he does so.

OP you should definitely support him in this and maybe just explain to family beforehand so he doesn’t have to. It shouldn’t be a big deal. He can always be confirmed later if he changes his mind.

Fair play!

My son is like your son OP, but he decided at Communion time. I forced him too make his communion, but I agreed he could decide on Confirmation by himself. We only did the communion as we were afraid he would be the only one not doing it. Now I don’t care. His class are all making their confirmation this year - the irony is that none of them go to mass 🙄. It’s all for grandparents; I’m glad my son has the strength of character to say no.

I'm an atheist but I toyed with the idea of getting confirmed when I was about 15. My family were very loosely CofE (my dad's parents were more religious than Mum's. My maternal grandmother wasn't confirmed, my mum was 🤷🏻‍♀️). However i decided after much soul searching that I was agnostic. My mum wasn't fussed if I got confirmed or not, and Dad had even less to say. It led to a road to humanism, then atheism (I too bloody selfish to be humanist).

However I've known people who have not got confirmed or the equivalent in their religion only to come back to it later in life. I think that's amazing, because they are willing to take the leap back into commitment to faith. Even if OPs son has decided he doesn't believe in it now, there's every chance he might go back.

I reject the idea that children should be bribed into taking part in religious rites. This is not the right message to give to children, be Catholic=get money. If I had twins and was in this situation I'd give both of them the same, no doubt.

Well done!

Parents letting their children choose for themselves is a beautiful thing!

Oof tough one OP - this is why I suspect my children's school now gets confirmation done age 10 before they hit secondary school and start questioning / debating / forming opinions etc 😂

I also have twins and can understand the dilemma with that aspect too

But I think this is one of those decisions you have to let him make - even if he comes to regret it it will be character building in a way - if he now says he wants to do it will be for the materialistic element of gifts and money and not the sentiment itself and it will also appear like you are bribing him. Stand by his decision and support him.

(Also I would think he can still get married in a Catholic Church - my ex husband wasn't Catholic and we did)

I'm not from the same culture but understand a bit of what you're describing (DH's family is Catholic and MIL and SIL especially devout).

It seems to me there's lots going on both in the situation and your concerns

twin differentiation
sibling rivalry
a teenager thinking carefully about his beliefs
family traditions
family culture mixing material reward with faith commitments

I'd maybe approach it by talking with your DS about how he might feel on his twin's confirmation day and asking if there are other milestones he'd like to celebrate with you...I'd also be realistic with him that he can't expect wider family to get excited.

If his twin gets married will he expect wedding presents? The gifts are tokens to the one getting confirmed, he can join in the celebration but it will be the other twins day.

My own kids opted out. But they still got invited to Communion breakfasts etc. My wider family aren't particularly devout of course. It's weird - it was taken for granted we would all be confirmed - Protestant or Catholic. Because everyone was a believer back then.

Now many people are functionally atheist / agnostic or at any rate less devout. Yet now its such a palaver - trip s to Tenerife , expensive presents etc. We got a half crown. Sorry to sound like the Four Yorkshire men.

Respect his wishes and don't push him into doing something he doesn't want. It isn't worth doing if he doesn't mean it, and if one day he DID want to take up Catholicism for himself or even another denomination of Christianity or another religion, he might want a conformation, baptism or similar of that religion. I'm not sure that he'd be necessarily allowed to do that if he's already confirmed.

As regards the event its self, if your kids were just brothers, not twins, I suspected you'd have stopped the practice of giving them both something on each of their birthdays at least 9 years ago...so I think your son will cope with the fact he's not having a baptism so he doesn't get the fuss.

If you really think members of your family will give him a hard time for it, then simply don't invite those family members. If they can't respect your children's wishes on something that is meant to be extremely personal, they shouldn't be in your children's lives. Come on my atheist mother managed good grace at my adult Baptist baptism and my son's anglican thanksgiving as a baby.

Its his choice. The sacrament has to be freely entered into. If he changes his mind in the future then he can be confirmed at a later date. It's not a once kn a lifetime chance he is missing out on. Hopefully he will still go and support his twin and respect their choice, as his choice has been respected.

I think it's beautiful that young people are deciding to be what they want. And their parents are letting them choose.

Real love is letting someone be themselves.

Forcing someone to be something , never works.

More catholics are Baptised when they are babies. Are we looking to before or after they exit the womb 😂

Not all Catholics are baptised when they are babies.

My mam is catholic.

I wasn't baptised as a baby

I went to a Catholic school. The priest said that if i wanted to do communion at age 7 I could.

He said if i wanted to get communion, he would just quickly baptise me before it.

You can get baptised at any age.

My mother asked me at age 7, did I want to get communion.

And at age 7 I remember feeling that I really didn't want to get communion.

I said no. And my mam accepted it.

I helped out on a confirmation course about 20 years ago and even then the people running the course told the youngsters that it was their choice, and their choice alone. No one would be forcing anyone to be confirmed. They asked them to attend the full course (but again people were free to leave if they wanted to) and then make an informed decision.
Out of about 30 youngsters, two decided not to be confirmed.

It's his choice OP and you are doing the right thing supporting him. There doesn't need to be a big drama about the other twin being confirmed and having the party and receiving presents. You can explain this to the twin who doesn't want to be confirmed beforehand. He will go along and be part of the celebration for his brother but he should not expect any gifts and he should also be respectful about the whole thing (ie. not get into any heated debates about religion/atheism etc). There will be other occasions in his life when there is a celebration for something he is doing and his brother isn't so it all evens out in the end.

There is no need to be concerned about not marrying in the church. You don't know who he might meet and marry (if at all). The other person might not be a Catholic or could be a lapsed Catholic or also an atheist or they might want to get married on a beach. Even if the other person is a Catholic and wants to get married in church many dioceses do allow this as long as one of the parties is Catholic.

If he later decides that he wants to return to church he can be received in to the church at that point after completing the necessary preparation course. I have a relative doing this at the moment who.

I would tell the grandparents well in advance so that they have time to come to terms with it.
When you send invitations out for the confirmation just put the other twin's name on it.

I think it would be pure wickedness to force (or even encourage) a child to publicly commit to beliefs that he does not hold. I sympathise about the intractable grandparents (we have those too) but you just have to weather that I'm afraid.

Catholic parents are supposed to baptise their babies. If they don’t, they risk going to limbo if they die. Devout catholics would never risk that. The fact your mum didn’t follow what the church advises is neither here nor there.

As I said above, giving the child a choice at confirmation - when they are old enough to make an informed decision - is built into Catholicism, as in many other religions. It’s an entirely reasonable approach in my view.

I was baptised Catholic, went to a Catholic school, was confirmed (and truly believed at that point) but later decided that I didn’t. I don’t feel anything was forced on me and I appreciate my religious education as Christianity/Catholicism underpins most of western culture/civilisation - so it’s handy for understanding art/literature/music.

Limbo was dismissed as an untrue construct by the Catholic Church years ago now.

Probably after I stopped caring what they said! Pretty sure you’re still supposed to baptise your babies though? And certainly would have been at the time that poster was born?

Regardless of limbo the presumption of the church community is baptism as a babe in arms.