Am I being unreasonable about our household spending?

[CalmCanyon]

I’m interested in getting a reality check on our household spending because I’m struggling to work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether our costs really are out of line.
We’re a family of four plus a dog in the South East of England. One of our daughters is at university and isn’t home most of the time, and her spending isn’t included here as she has her own finances.
Our monthly spending is roughly:

• Finances (mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, phones, broadband and other regular household bills): £1,833
• Groceries: £869
• Shopping (clothes, household items, Amazon, etc.): £583
• Transport: £253
• Eating out: £109
• Home & Family: £78
• General: £68
• Children: £32

Total: around £3,825 per month. The grocery and shopping figures are what concern me most. I don’t actually do most of the food shopping or day-to-day purchases—my partner does. As the sole earner, I see the overall numbers each month and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to make the budget work. I’ve tried to have calm conversations about our spending and whether we could cut back, but they usually end in disagreement. From my perspective it’s becoming a financial issue; from hers it doesn’t seem to be viewed in the same way. Unfortunately it’s started to affect our relationship, and at the moment it feels more like we’re housemates than a family working towards the same goals. I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.

The agreement was that she would not come back to her regular work after our first child.
We were able to live on my salary with her supplementing her needs with her side business. This set up work well, she had freelancing work for three year after Covid where she was definitely come alive. This stopped now due to other party.
Mortgage and food increased costs, daughter gone to uni. Everything added up.
In addition she might be perimenopausal.

With the way your wife treats you, I'd almost hope she looks like a supermodel because there has to be some reason you're putting up with someone who's so lazy and entitled.

Time for her to grow up. Being perimenopausal is no excuse not to work. Also time for her to either reinvent her business or accept it’s over and get a job. What does she actually bring to the family and to you? She sounds lazy and like an utter freeloader and she’s got you wrapped around her little finger! Loss of identity indeed! What a load of BS.

You can’t, because she doesn’t want the choices that are open to her. In all honesty if my DH was unwilling to work and unwilling to budget and reduce his unnecessary spending, leaving us with no capacity to plan for the future, and expecting me to facilitate it all there would be one hell of a confrontation.

Her resistance isn’t your responsibility - she, as an adult, needs to make some adult decisions. If she won’t, then you need to make an adult decision before you end up to your eyeballs in debt.

The grocery bill could easily be reduced and still eat well. The shipping is very high and can't be strictly necessary. If you're a very high income earner and can still save fair enough but if isn't leaving any buffer or ability to save it needs to be addressed. Either she can reduce unnecessary spending or get a part time job to contribute

I do not think we should be automatically condemning this woman.
She is menopausal and suddenly being confronted with the idea of a major life change ... i.e. having to return to paid employment. That is daunting ... she needs time to process this.
Also she has had a "health scare" (unspecified) which may be influencing her live for today approach. Not surprising.
We are told of "vulnerabilities" (unspecified), but whatever these are, they are part of the equation.
What is needed is blame/accusation-free communication so that together they can work this out.
It is always slightly worrying in these situations when one party takes to social media to find ammunition for their side; to garner accusations to level at a partner.
I would suggest the OP start another thread as if he were his partner ... this would make him really engage with where she is coming from and understand the ooddible source of the problem. Nothing is black and white.

Possible

It's not controlling to want to know how your money is being spent. You have given her the opportunity to go over the budget together and she won't so if you don't want to divorce, giving her an allowance is the only way to go. No one needs to buy clothes every month. As your youngest child is at school you are literally paying her to sit on her arse 6 hours a day spending family money while you are stressed about finances.

Yes and no. I think you spend a bit more on groceries than I would - I would probably spend £550 for a family of 4. I also think £500 a month on clothes is really excessive. But then £100 on eating out each month is really bloody cheap; i probably spend £75 a month on take out coffees alone; probably & approx £150-200 a month eating out. And that’s me that’s not as a “household”.

So it’s all swings and round abouts. If you can afford it then why not; but you could certainly cut out some spending and save some if you really needed to. It’s what you choose to spend it on of course.

Well it's not so easy to get a job at the moment but she needs to get a job.

And if she can't or won't get a job, she needs to spend less.

No eating out until she trims the rest of the budget,

Menopause and health scares aren't a reason to fritter away money on things you don't need. I know some people spend money because they have mental health issues (my cousin's wife is like this) but the OP's partner needs to rein it in.

Read his previous thread from a month ago.
She doesn't sound like a very nice wife.

And stop using menopause as an excuse for women's behaviour.

As other PP have said, your wife should be working to help out. You're right this isn't sustainable.
In your situation I would be scrutinising groceries and general expenses (Amazon etc) first off as I'm sure there's some savings there. Then follow up with the utilities, broadband and insurance costs etc, to check you're getting the best deals.

It's the unwillingness to talk about the situation that's the biggest problem because that puts all the responsibility onto you but gives you no power to actually do anything. That's incredibly stressful.

Oh and on the social media algorithms side she just needs to find other avenues to drum up business. Does she do any networking groups? There are online ones as well as face to face.

This is such a straightforward situation, I don't know why you are making it so complicated and making excuses.

Dear wife, life has become too expensive and we cannot afford our current outgoings on our income. We have to make changes. We have two choices, spend less or earn more. Ideally both. Which shall we tackle first?

Could you please link the previous thread? Thank you 🙂

On the other thread the OP says he and his partner are mid 40s. The majority of women in their mid 40s are not menopausal and I agree it’s insulting to make out that the menopause makes you unable to function or behave like a normal person. It’s ridiculous.

You're making up every excuse under the sun for her inexcusable behaviour.

Is it part of your culture that women don't work?

You mention that a civil ceremony wouldn't work (if you got married.)
Are you both from a culture where large weddings are the norm?

I don't see how you can be so sure she'd get half the house if she's never contributed to buying it and you are unmarried.

You need to start being more challenging and stop pussyfooting around her.

OP you seem to be worrying about being controlling if you try to improve your family's finances but your partner is in fact controlling YOU by over spending your money and refusing to work! What about money for unseen emergencies, children's higher education etc - you won't have anything.

No, sorry, because it will take you 20 seconds to find it.

I would say you are right.
I can see a lot of negative comments about my partner without really knowing her.
It is quite easy to get into one camp or another.
As me being sensible I would not jump into straight leaving the partner without exhausting all the options. We've been together 25 years and I knew that some day there will be larger bump in our relationships. This might be the last bump but just need to make sure.
My partner is very guarded at the moment, I have to admit myself I am also.
She believes that she was contributing the other ways to the family and feels she is not valued. This might come from her insecurities.
I do not believe she is manipulating though more needing validation.
I have spoken regarding counseling either couple or single but she is not willing to talk to strangers.
I think we are both avoidant type in this situation. I will take initiative once more to start it just need to think about right approach.

The problem is not that you're spending too much on M&S and Amazon, the problem is that you have a sponging, bone idle partner who you seem to be in thrall to.

Are you afraid of her? I don't understand why you're pandering to any of her nonsense. Either she gets a job, or you give her an allowance each month and when it's gone it's gone. That's not being controlling or financially abusive - you're giving her full access to available funds. It just so happens that the available funds are very limited on account of her massive overspending.

Sorry OP, but you're coming across as a complete doormat and you hold all the cards. Tell her to shape up or ship out.

This sounds very difficult OP.

I am no longer working - Covid ate my job and precipitated me into early retirement and therefore a less comfortable retirement than I could have had (and it was never going to be lavish!).

I spend a lot less on groceries now than I did when working.

I have time to meal plan, look out for bargains, change my meals according to whet is cheap / on offer, cook the kind of things that use cheaper cuts of meat or take low and slow cooking, batch cook. Basically cook from scratch using wholesome, healthy fresh ingredients.

If your DP's approach is that running the home while you work is part of her identity, then maybe the approach is to go through household income and expenditure together and set an actual budget that can be afforded for groceries and tell her that you have no doubt that with her creativity and experience she will be able to manage.

You do have a problem in that whilst you take your duty to provide for your family seriously, she is not currently supporting that.

Does she realise how upsetting this is for you?

The problem is that whilst she is not paying her part, if you split you will be worse off with half the house etc. And paying CM.

Do you ever go on holiday? No holiday expenses or savings on your list.

This ^^
A non-working partner cannot just spend randomly, it's not fair.
You need a budget.
What on earth is being bought from Amazon every month?

Shopping is high, needs looking at for sure.

Personally I don't think your food is that high if it includes cleaning products etc. DH & I budget £600 a month for food and groceries it's just us and dog. But we like to eat well and we can afford that as we both work.

If you need to budget you could certainly bring that down by a good couple of hundred I would expect.