Am I being unreasonable about our household spending?

[CalmCanyon]

I’m interested in getting a reality check on our household spending because I’m struggling to work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether our costs really are out of line.
We’re a family of four plus a dog in the South East of England. One of our daughters is at university and isn’t home most of the time, and her spending isn’t included here as she has her own finances.
Our monthly spending is roughly:

• Finances (mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, phones, broadband and other regular household bills): £1,833
• Groceries: £869
• Shopping (clothes, household items, Amazon, etc.): £583
• Transport: £253
• Eating out: £109
• Home & Family: £78
• General: £68
• Children: £32

Total: around £3,825 per month. The grocery and shopping figures are what concern me most. I don’t actually do most of the food shopping or day-to-day purchases—my partner does. As the sole earner, I see the overall numbers each month and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to make the budget work. I’ve tried to have calm conversations about our spending and whether we could cut back, but they usually end in disagreement. From my perspective it’s becoming a financial issue; from hers it doesn’t seem to be viewed in the same way. Unfortunately it’s started to affect our relationship, and at the moment it feels more like we’re housemates than a family working towards the same goals. I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.

She doesn’t need to buy clothes and makeup etc every month! Or laundry products! These last months! She’s taking the piss!

I am not sure how would I present this in non confrontational way without her resisting.
The issue is that it would still be controlling behaviour from my end if I don’t ask her thoughts and opinions.
Don’t think it might work right now tbh.

Were you both born in the UK. Is one of you from a different culture.
Is that the reason you both have different ideas on spending.
Is her culture where the man provides. Or yours is that a man is in charge of providing the money.
Or is she just a lazy bitch hoping you pay for everything.

Use the MSE budget planner, get your recent bank statements, and list everything. For Amazon, don’t just put ‘Amazon’ but categorise it. Do this exercise Together. Then you’re have a clear idea of what’s going on.

Also, don’t give her the option of not working. If you have to, make an ultimatum. Say you’ll pay for yourself and your dc, but she needs to start contributing her share. Maybe give her two months to find a job, and from September, things change. She won’t like it, but the current situation is not sustainable.

By showing her the situation, you’re not controlling, but discussing. TBH, she’s controlling by insisting you pay everything.

(Dies she clean, cook, washing etc?)

Then don’t do that. Do not give her the opportunity of calling you controlling. Although what is wrong with asking her opinions ? You have already done that I think ? And her answer is no, she won’t change anything.
The person who I think is being controlling is her. No to reducing the bills, no to trying to work. No flexibility or adaptability at all.
She expects you to provide in the same manner as ever. And will consider you in a bad light if you do not.

I would run a mile OP.

what is her identity?

Given your eldest is at university I’m presuming you have been a couple for at least two decades. In the past your DP combined paid part time work with leading on looking after the children and the home, allowing you to concentrate on work. I understand you are questioning the relationship now, but why did you choose not to marry?

So to clarify, you aren’t married

The house is jointly owned in both your names? Is that correct? If not, she doesn’t have an automatic right to any share.

She hasn’t really worked for over 20 years and has no intention of doing so. She wants you to provide and she won’t cut back on any outgoings?

I would separate as soon as possible. She has zero rights to any of your pension or assets (aside from possibly the house)

You are being USED. Wake up and smell the coffee mate.

You are assuming the children are his here.

They may well be.

But, if not, if he is here on a marriage visa, and they aren’t, he may be reluctant to leave. He will have to return to his former country.

Although unlikely as they are just partners. And I don’t think married….

Why are you being so passive?

Your wife does not contribute income
to the household pot. She spends
more than the household can afford.

So the options are she gets a job or she stops spending.

She can refuse to do either… it’s then a fair response to take hold of the finances before you end up in debt.

You sound scared to address this with her. Is that the case?

Can I ask what happens to the money that her business does generate? Does she put it into the pot, or see it as her own money?

If it helps to give you some perspective, I am self employed, and have a creative business, which means that my income is not very dependable - including because of SM algorithms impacting sales online. This has worked in our house and in our relationship, because I have always accepted that because my job is not very reliable, I have to find a way to make the finances work. That might mean looking for part time work, but it also means me taking responsibility for budgeting properly and living within our means. Sometimes it drives me mad being responsible for the domestic stuff and building tasks into my day that save money, but ultimately I feel like as I don’t always bring in a full time salary, but get to do the work that I like, it’s a fair trade off,

To me, your food bill does seem like it could be cheaper. For context for a family of four with a dog, we spend under £500. that happens because I meal plan, cook lots of things from scratch (I don’t want to sound like I’m passing judgement on people who don’t do that here, it’s more what we have to do because I generally have time to, and it saves us money) and shop in Lidl as does the vinted/Amazon element.

If you are able to support your partner to work be sure to have a conversation about how you will share domestic chores...this will be important and equitable

Lose her identity as a freeloader? Why are you tolerating this madness?

It comes across that OP is scaredto speak up, you have the upper hand in that you work.
In this climate and on your salary she doesn't have the finances to be fannying about with her 'identity', OP can you confirm the actual reasons she won't work.

"As I mentioned shopping expenditure is mainly Amazon, Klarna, Vinted, clothing stores..."

Are you saying she spends almost £600 per month on clothes?!?!

Why would she lose her identity if she worked?! My Husband earns a similar to you, we have 3 children and multiple pets. If I didn’t work at all we wouldn’t be able to afford any extras,pets, school trips, hobbies etc would be a struggle.
I work 20 hours a week around school runs, I have always worked before/since having my children either nights/evenings when they were small and their Dad was home, during the day term time when they were in school but still needed lots of care and now I work all year round as 2 are in secondary school now, so I’m not needed as I was.
Your grocery bill is high enough that I would assume toiletries, dog food etc would be included in that figure.
The shopping/amazon figure is an odd one, what exactly is that on as it’s a lot of toiletries/stuff?!
It sounds like your partner/spouse finds it very easy to spend money that she isn’t actually helping to earn.
I don’t work because I absolutely love my job, I work to contribute to the household, pay for things for the children and buy my own clothes etc
My husband sees his money as our money as he earns significantly more and tells me to use the joint account, however I never take money out of the joint account for something just for myself. I may use it for something for the children if it’s towards the end of the month and I’m running low on funds, however he pays most of the bills/mortgage so I’m always careful to use ‘his’ money wisely.
I’d be pretty pissed off if I was the sole earner and someone just blasted through all the money I earned for the family without a care.
‘Lose her identity’, please, that would be enough for me to tell her to get off her bottom and get a job….

I think you may have come close to the reality of the situation here..is it possible this set up was the agreement between you OP?
Is your partners pension all paid up and secure for the years she worked at home? What did you agree?

Children are ours.
We did not get marry due to life going by without realising it has passed so quickly.
Also if we were to get marry the cost would needed to be considered. Civil ceremony would not be an option.

I'd love my identity to be lady of leisure but sadly here I am skiving off my email job to look at Mumsnet.

Food shopping prices can be insane now, if I had more time I could reduce ours down by going to Aldi etc so I know I'm paying for the convenience of a Sainsbury's delivery but we've got two incomes and I still keep tabs on all our spending. She's not working so could fully budget a food shop. Your house must be full of stuff if she's spending nearly £600 a month on Amazon, vinted etc, what is she buying? She must be bored witless unless she's also got loads of lady of leisure mates.

I think you need a full conversation about budgets, incomes etc and her contribution to your family. Contributions don't need to be financial providing a couple can afford to be on one wage but they do need to be fair and I'm not sure dropping a (presumably) teen child at appointments is equivalent to working to support the whole family. She's left herself in a precarious position and needs to wise up. I definitely would not marry in your position.

It's not controlling to set up a budget when one person is refusing to work.

Open an account in your own name and have your wages paid into it. Pay all finances and household bills, utilities, subscriptions, etc. from that account.

Have a separate joint account for spending on necessaries such as food, toiletries, laundry and cleaning as well as transport costs, all the day to day things but not clothes or luxury items. They can be budgeted for separately after discussing and agreeing how much you both should be spending.

Then, if she wants anything else, she can get a job and earn the money to pay for it. If the money's not there, she can't spend it can she.

Is the house in both your names?

I think a lot of mums on here would like to not to have to work, but most can't afford to be SAHM. What exactly does she contribute to your marriage?

You need to sit down together to discuss this and agree an equitable solution. Which will require compromise on both sides.

Financially supporting a partner on a temporary basis is fine but if it’s going to be a long term thing then you need to sit down and discuss the figures. It’s not controlling, it’s being open and honest about the situation and finding a way forwards together. If your DP is not willing to engage you either have to accept the status quo or remove yourself from the game. She must know that without you she would have to work full time to support herself

Do you have to wheel out the if it were a man trope. Most people are saying it’s unacceptable 🙄.

Anyway OP I agree it’s unsustainable. Your wife cannot claim vulnerability to get out of contributing to the household income unless she has a serious mental or physical health issue. I don’t get the identity thing? Is she a ‘ creative’ or something and won’t take anything outside of those parameters. For me this would be a dealbreaker. Not for the money per se but because she is happy to run you into the ground. It’s the lack of care for your wellbeing. And the refusal to rein in spending or even consider looking at it just takes the biscuit. She’s supposed to be an adult and should be behaving like one.

So, deeply religious but has cohabited and had children for more than two decades? Interesting.