Am I being unreasonable about our household spending?

[CalmCanyon]

I’m interested in getting a reality check on our household spending because I’m struggling to work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether our costs really are out of line.
We’re a family of four plus a dog in the South East of England. One of our daughters is at university and isn’t home most of the time, and her spending isn’t included here as she has her own finances.
Our monthly spending is roughly:

• Finances (mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, phones, broadband and other regular household bills): £1,833
• Groceries: £869
• Shopping (clothes, household items, Amazon, etc.): £583
• Transport: £253
• Eating out: £109
• Home & Family: £78
• General: £68
• Children: £32

Total: around £3,825 per month. The grocery and shopping figures are what concern me most. I don’t actually do most of the food shopping or day-to-day purchases—my partner does. As the sole earner, I see the overall numbers each month and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to make the budget work. I’ve tried to have calm conversations about our spending and whether we could cut back, but they usually end in disagreement. From my perspective it’s becoming a financial issue; from hers it doesn’t seem to be viewed in the same way. Unfortunately it’s started to affect our relationship, and at the moment it feels more like we’re housemates than a family working towards the same goals. I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.

Yes, that’s a lot. We are a family of 4 plus a dog and all 4 of us actually live at and eat at home. Our weekly food shop is about £90-120, including all toiletries, plus some extra top ups throughout the week.

I think the only way to get a handle on this is to take charge of the shopping. You do the meal planning, shopping and cooking and try to bring the numbers down.

Similarly, the clothes and Amazon shopping. That shouldn’t be coming out of the joint account unless it’s a joint expense. If she doesn’t work she should have a set amount of money from which she pays all her personal costs. Clothes and personal Amazon orders come out of that, as do coffees and meals out. When it’s gone, it’s gone. The joint account is only for household needs and it may be you need to discuss those purchases before they’re made if the spending is getting out of hand.

Your food spending and other shopping does seem high on a monthly basis.
Do you meal plan and cook meals from scratch or are you buying a lot of ready meals/takeaways?
Surely people do not buy clothes every month?
Do you bulk buy cleaning, laundry and other items such as loo roll?

Also your transport is much lower than ours. DH and I spend £700 a month commuting and we only go in 3 days a week.

Well yes, the groceries and shopping amounts are high and could almost certainly be cut back. We’re a family of 6 plus a dog and our food bill is probably similar to yours and we like nice food. However I don’t think it matters what your monthly expenditure is, if you can afford it. I think the problem is that one wage alone you can’t afford what you’re currently spending.

If you’ve spoken about it as a couple and agreed that one of you won’t work then you need to spend accordingly to facilitate that. And that’s ok, if you’re all in agreement.

I think I would find it very hard to not feel a lot of resentment about being the sole earner with grown up children and/or no legitimate reason for not being willing to work. Where is your holiday fund? Maintenance fund? Saving for a rainy day fund? The figures are tight. Do you feel you do nice things outside of working?

Perhaps you might like to work a bit less or just have the financial load shared….it doesn’t sound like there is any consideration for that from your partner.

I think this might be relationship ending for me, not just the refusal to work to share the financial load, but the unwillingness to cut back to facilitate the not working!

What are the disagreements about when you talk about cutting back? End of the day, the budget is the budget!

Would this not be considered controlling behaviour from my part? How would this help relationships?
All I’m saying this would not be healthy solution between in partnership dynamic.
Seem more reactive than logical.

It’s 100% unreasonable, you could cut back on groceries but that’s not the biggest issue the shopping spending is astronomical.

If you cut off the money you’ll be accused of domestic abuse but in my opinion a SAHP situation needs to be mutually agreed. So I would put my food down and if that ends the relationship then so be it.

You wage is far to high not to be able to save. Either your DP gets a job or you all have to cut your cloth accordingly

I don’t actually do most of the food shopping or day-to-day purchases—my partner does.

She mentioned that she would lose identity if she goes to work, it is not what she is willing to do.

Says it all really.

Your DP is the problem here, doesn't contribute yet is quite willing to.continue spending, which realistically no one needs to be buying clothes or household goods on a monthly basis.

I think you are being taken for a ride.

Your house must be absolutely rammed with Things given the outrageous monthly Amazon spending!!!

i was going to say that I think your grocery expenditure is quite modest for four people and a dog, but clearly Im in the minority! We spend a similar amount for two of us and a cat, although the majority of the food I buy is organic which adds to the cost. In fact, I don’t think any of your areas of expenditure look particularly excessive.

Are you sure you aren't double counting some expenditure?

What on earth are you spending over £500 per month for clthes and amazon etc? What are you (or she) buying?

ditto groceries

OP, I think the shopper is doing really well in the grocery budget. Food is super expensive and personally, I would rather have decent food than other things. What is the Amazon spend all about? Can you give any detail?

With regards to becoming house mates rather than feeling like a couple/family, I am not sure what has lead to the focus on spending but you are giving off Dad vibes here. If my DH wax quizzing me on why I had spent a certain amount on grocery shopping, I wouldn't see it as foreplay, if I am honest. I think different financial values can be corrosive in marriage.

I work less and earn less but DH leaves the finances largely to me and we are both pretty frugal out of respect for the other but if we want something we can afford, we encourage the other to have it. We both 'work hard' to make our financial affairs stack up but there is no sense of it being his money that he has to monitor. We are equal, joint partners in all things. Are you?

I agree! I think if you are not able to communicate and problem solve effectively in a partnership, that is a serious issue, and goes beyond finances. Can you get counseling?

This is ridiculous! I've never heard anything like it!

How many people around the world do you think want to work?! How many of those do you think HAVE to work because of well, life?!

We can't all just decide one day that we don't want to work, quit our jobs and live off someone else!

The problem isn't your outgoings. It's the fact that your partner is lazy and bone idle and you're enabling that.

Lots of people (me included) have children, work 40+ hours a week and STILL manage to do a food shop, get the kids to and from school (your children are more than old enough to do this themselves), organise life, make tea and still have some time for ourselves - amongst the other stuff that life brings. Seriously, what on earth does she do all day long?? How can she be so busy??

Have you ever tried doing a food shop? It takes a couple of hours a week AT MOST. Booking an appointment? 5 mins - how many appointments does she need to book every day?!

As for her business. She needs to research to change the algorithm. Or get a job. She won't though because you're letting her laze around spending money all day whilst you worry about getting the money in and making it last. How dare she!!!

Not a chance would I be working my arse off and let my dh announce that he doesn't fancy working any longer and leave it all to me. I wouldn't even entertain him. If he was being serious, I couldn't be with him. I'd divorce him if he thought so little of me. If he was happy for me to do that, I'd expect that he thinks more about the shit on his shoe than his wife.

Open your eyes, op. She's taking you for a complete mug and you're allowing that!!!

Who does your dp think she is!! Choosing not to work thus putting all the pressure on you.
No wonder you are stressed/depressed, what happens when YOU break?
Tell her to get her off her lazy arse and start contributing to household.
X

It is tough to manage finances when there’s a disagreement on how money is being spent. Having a transparent look at where the funds go might help in reaching a middle ground.

Her view on life is live today, mine is more forward based. We have younger daughter and believe she will need some funds for her uni if she decides to go.
My partner had health scare a while ago so it might influenced her.

Fine, she can have whatever view on life she wants. But she can't expect YOU to finance that, to the potential detriment of you and your daughter's future, just because she's decided SHE wants to live in the moment and can't be arsed to get a job.

Would this not be considered controlling behaviour from my part? How would this help relationships?
All I’m saying this would not be healthy solution between in partnership dynamic.
Seem more reactive than logical.

It isn't 'controlling' to set a household budget that doesn't include nearly £600 a month spent on clothes and 'Amazon bits'.

You're being incredibly passive here. If you're scared to discuss this with her because she'll start crying or give you the silent treatment or something, you are not the controlling one in this relationship.

Seriously, what on earth does she do all day long??

Buys shit on Amazon, by the sound of it

How do you manage your money together? To give you an idea, I don’t work (though it’s because I have cancer, not by choice). Dh pays me a set amount each month. From that, I pay proportionately into our joint account and what is left over is my own personal spending money, from which I pay my mobile bill, clothes, for hobbies (I have a horse in livery at £400 a month for example), personal travel like if I want a weekend away, a lunch out or a coffee, parking for something that isn’t a family day out, etc, basically anything that isn’t for the children or the household.

It’s not a bottomless pot. Obviously in an emergency, I would never be left out to dry, but I don’t just get £500 of shopping each month. I have to budget, just Dh does for his own personal spending.

Realistically though, she needs to get up off her bum and sort herself out. I know all too well how the rug can be pulled out from under you. I had a Big Job and a 20 year career. Then I got cancer and have never worked a day since. You are both in a vulnerable position. If you got sick, cancer, a neurological condition, my friend got hit by a car in a car park a few years ago and now has a traumatic brain injury, you may not be able to work again. What happens if you can’t work anymore? How quickly can she pivot into work and support not just herself but you too?

You don’t have a healthy dynamic as it stands. She’s dismissive of your legitimate concerns about finances, refuses to reduce her spending or bring money into the household. In a healthy relationship these things are discussed and negotiated.

It’s not controlling to set a manageable household budget, to limit unnecessary spending and to plan for your future together - you’re one household disaster away from not managing. No one is saying keep her in poverty, she needs visibility over bank accounts, spending and saving but the amount of discretionary spending is ridiculous and actually unaffordable.

Your passive understanding of her world view, while she ignores your concerns, isn’t doing you any favours.

Your spending on clothes and food is high, ours is around 600 for food and 100 clothes, you need to write down every purchase for a month, then sit and discuss
Try showing your wife a compound interest calculator and see what you can save

As I mentioned shopping expenditure is mainly Amazon, Klarna, Vinted, clothing stores.
With regarding to conversation approach - how would you approach in this situation as single earner in partnership?
Focus on money was led because of financial constraints we have when it comes to expenditure. I am main earner and there is nothing left at the end of the month and not sustainable.
I believe you might be also avoidant type when it comes to money. I think my partner is as well? How would you expect me to deal with this?

It would be controlling if you did it unilaterally, without input from her.

What you need to do is give her the choice and the responsibility to choose, and take action, within X weeks.
These are her choices:

1. go and get a job of at least X hours per week and pay your earnings into the joint account. Meanwhile prove to you her efforts at job hunting, e.g. applications made, CV done, job sites searched, etc.
2. forgo all access to joint money, and you will close the joint account and transfer X amount each week into her account for household food shopping and her personal spending. You then take over all other household spending and shopping (and saving!)
3. split up and each have your own house and household finances

If you give her reasonable choices, and she does nothing, it is not controlling to make the choice for her. Choosing to do nothing is also a choice.

I’m pretty shocked that people think the mortgage+household bills, and groceries is high. I think that’s pretty normal and it’s the same as ours. Of course we could eat student-type budget meals and shop around, but high quality food will be the last thing I would ever cut from a budget.
I imagine the mortgage is high since it’s the SE too.
Some people on here could do with a reality check, not the OP!

Are you actually joking lol. Over £800 per month on groceries alone, not even cleaning products and you think that’s doing ‘well’? I spend £450 for two adults, including all of our laundry and cleaning products, and when I say we could cut back, I really mean it. We don’t budget we buy whatever we want. We will choose finest and branded stuff. We don’t batch cook or do anything to try and minimise our costs. The only thing we don’t spend money on is alcohol.

And I assume your DH is happy with your contribution to the household and is in agreement you working less, because that’s your setup. That’s not what’s happening here. OPs wife is refusing to work. And you better believe if I was the only one working and my DW was frivolously spending the money I earned I’d be grilling her about it

3 adults, 3 dogs and two cats here. My food shop is £150 a week including animal stuff. Your costs are CRAZY!!! Of love to see examples of what you are spending £583 on every month. I spend about £50-100 a month on average , today I bought camping equipment that totalled £125 so that’s this and next months budget gone. The last 3 months I bought nothing as I had to replace the tumble drier. I can’t even imagine spending £583 a month on general house stuff and clothes