Monthly spending for 4 people, husband thinks that I am overspending.

[Kim926]

I am a full-time mum to a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old.

I previously ran my own business for several years, mostly from home, and earned well. I was able to contribute significantly to our household — paying for family holidays and other family expenses. However, after Brexit the business became difficult to sustain, so I closed it. I am planning to start working again once our youngest begins nursery.

Currently, we rely on monthly rental income of £1,800. We have direct debits totalling around £1,200 each month (bills, car finance, kids’ classes, insurance, etc.). The largest expense is car finance, but we plan to return one car this winter, which will reduce costs by about £300.

After direct debits, we have around £600 left for the month, and my husband tops it up — not as a fixed amount, but little by little, asking me to keep spending to a minimum.

Our typical spending looks like this:

Groceries: £600–£700

Amazon: £150–£200

Dining out: £150–£200 (mostly my husband’s lunches and coffees; family meals out are about 2–3 times a month)

After these basics, there is very little left at the end of the month. If my husband doesn’t think something is necessary, then he simply don’t budget for it.

I don’t buy my clothes or basics from our joint funds at all — even children’s basics like clothes and shoes, I pay for from my previous personal savings. I also avoid ordering food delivery because my husband considers it wasteful, so if I really need a break or want something special, I use my own savings.

Despite this, my husband often tells me I need to reduce spending, only looking at the total figure.

While he is securing a pension and future for himself and the children, I also worry that if I don’t work soon, I won’t have any financial security of my own. He doesn’t push me to work, but he also doesn’t support sending our youngest to nursery yet, which would give me time to work or rebuild my career.

I do not know if I am spending a lot as he says.

It would be great if any advice is given.

Wow you do like spending and I totally see his point. Family of 7 plus 4 pets and 3 youngest still gotta get nappies etc and we have £557 for a while month after bills and our 2 cars insurances go out. I still manage all presents and 2 holidays a year out of that aswell so something needs changed

Of course you can't spend more than you have. OPs family has significantly more money left over, so she doesn't need to live according to your income.

Do you even know what Amazon sell???

We buy dog food, bin bags, shampoo and conditioner, toothpaste, cleaning products (bleach, kitchen spray etc).... All from Amazon. We have a few subscribe and saves set up and probably spend £150 a month.

Absolutely none of it is "luxury"!

I'm yet to find anything like this that is cheaper than supermarkets really.

Like also standard loo roll is 10p/100 sheets and 15p/100 for "luxury".

Im yet to find anything under 20p/100 for example..well, sorry,once it was 19p.

My point was, I'm not buying "luxury" items off Amazon. They're essentials. Whether they are cheaper or not is another story but things like dog food for example, we order 2 x massive 15kg bags which is far easier when it's delivered straight to the front door!

Well, he's, but part of the point of the thread is spending more money than necessary.

Amazon is rarely cheaper for household things, so it's fair to suggest that she stops using it for that.

spending 150-200 on household items and birthday presents, whether it's amazon or not, really isn't the issue here. The issue is that family income, like pp calculated, is 4800. And OP spends all her money plus savings on family expenses, whereas DH spends a small part of his income.

I was coming on to say this. OP - have you had a chance to speak to him about properly splitting the costs?? @HeidiLite

Would a man really take sandwiches while his colleagues go to the pub?

He will make it something to moan about if he doesn't want them. They will be too thick, or too thin, or dry, or too wet, or he is fed up with this and that.

Having said that, he is, after all, the one complaining about cost.

I agree about the cheese but you can buy a nice seeded loaf in Aldi for 79p. That said, I do think OP’s DH is being mean.

Why is anyone discussing what OP spends when she's literally being financially abused by her husband?! It's completely irrelevant what she's spending because we have no idea how much her husband earns and therefore how much their combined income is.

The only point that needs to be addressed a million times over is that he needs to start pooling his entire salary with their rental income or she needs to divorce him.

It's completely irrelevant what she's spending because we have no idea how much her husband earns and therefore how much their combined income is.

Husband earns about 3K and the rental income is considered joint.

@HeidiLiteshe said it was around 3k but she sounded like she didn't really know to me. Same issue...she has no visibility ot control over the finances.

can you get a job? Then you can spend without him harping on and controlling everything

Oooh hello Starlight.....

I wasn't talking to you 😉
But thank you for your comment anyway 👌🏻

I'm very worried for you OP. After 4 miscarriages my ex suggested I take voluntary redundancy and not go back to work, until we had "cracked the baby problem". Unfortunately, I had been the breadwinner and everything apart from Virgin Media went out of my account. Every month, he was going to set up a standing order into my account but it took him 7 months to get around to it, by which time, my redundancy was gone. This was the start of 6.5 years of extreme financial abuse. It was so extreme I was awarded universal credit, while living with him in a house we owned, with our then toddler. He also ramped up his Coercive control (which I now realise had started at the beginning of our 19 year "relationship", which was actually 16 years and 3 spent getting out safely) and physical intimidation and threats, as well as endangering our child to get to me. Now, I know that all of this was facilitated by lockdown but, still, it started with financial abuse. I would be getting my ducks in a row and mustering support from family and friends.

Sounds like financial abuse to me. I was in the same position, I had to pay for all of my costs and most of my child.

and I had to pay this for my savings account. And my now X even sabotage my career… I lost my job when I had my baby, and he was sabotage job interviews. He would schedule traveling when I would try to get work.

And then one of my child was five months old I found out why my ex was about my paying for my cost and my child’s cost… I discovered he had a prostitute habit that cost him 8–10 K a month

Needles to say after separation and divorce, all of my money was gone. Our house got repossessed, my ex never paid the child support, I was pretty much pennyless and that work for nearly 8 years. Raising a disabled child on my own.

so for the women here, who tell you to get back to work, start putting money away, stop using your savings to pay for household and children… Especially you staying home and saving on childcare…. They are correct. They are also correct that you need to start getting your ducks in a row, you may want to consider going back to work and starting to get yourself independent again… Because this is not going to end well.

It sounds like you are in a financially abusive relationship. Find out exactly where all the money is! Saving money for the children's future is fine if you can afford it by not if you can't afford to buy clothes. There appears to be is a power imbalance in your relationship.

Every month?

It's because you shouldn't need to be buying things for the house, gifts, etc every single month.

Nothing wrong with mutually agreeing you'll stay at home with a 1yo child, supported by DH income - but you definitely should have access to the accounts and not just be occasionally allowed glimpses of them!

Tell DH you hear him on the potential overspending and would like to sit down with him one evening for a full financial audit of all household expenses including everything going in and out of his accounts.

What do you mean by save for 2 kids . I don't think your spending is high ( except for H lunches etc) which seems so considering he's telling you to spend less . Maybe put both your money into a joint account and split it after savings .

Read the whole thing and OP has never explained exactly how much the husband is earning (3k is gross or net?), nor what is happening to the bulk of the family income. I’m wondering if there are cultural factors at play, perhaps different assumptions about how finances are divvied up.