Monthly spending for 4 people, husband thinks that I am overspending.

[Kim926]

I am a full-time mum to a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old.

I previously ran my own business for several years, mostly from home, and earned well. I was able to contribute significantly to our household — paying for family holidays and other family expenses. However, after Brexit the business became difficult to sustain, so I closed it. I am planning to start working again once our youngest begins nursery.

Currently, we rely on monthly rental income of £1,800. We have direct debits totalling around £1,200 each month (bills, car finance, kids’ classes, insurance, etc.). The largest expense is car finance, but we plan to return one car this winter, which will reduce costs by about £300.

After direct debits, we have around £600 left for the month, and my husband tops it up — not as a fixed amount, but little by little, asking me to keep spending to a minimum.

Our typical spending looks like this:

Groceries: £600–£700

Amazon: £150–£200

Dining out: £150–£200 (mostly my husband’s lunches and coffees; family meals out are about 2–3 times a month)

After these basics, there is very little left at the end of the month. If my husband doesn’t think something is necessary, then he simply don’t budget for it.

I don’t buy my clothes or basics from our joint funds at all — even children’s basics like clothes and shoes, I pay for from my previous personal savings. I also avoid ordering food delivery because my husband considers it wasteful, so if I really need a break or want something special, I use my own savings.

Despite this, my husband often tells me I need to reduce spending, only looking at the total figure.

While he is securing a pension and future for himself and the children, I also worry that if I don’t work soon, I won’t have any financial security of my own. He doesn’t push me to work, but he also doesn’t support sending our youngest to nursery yet, which would give me time to work or rebuild my career.

I do not know if I am spending a lot as he says.

It would be great if any advice is given.

Op the way you describe how he allocated money is like you’re split up. You’re not working so it should be a joint effort- you’re meant to be a team. The spend from Az seems high, one month things might get to that but not monthly. And his lunches seem insane too. I think you need to figure out starting that business up again

You are depleting your savings, while he saves "his" earnings? OP, don't count on "his" money to be there if/when you need it. It's essential you start making provisions for yourself, you are in a very vulnerable position right now.

Id write down every expenditure for a month then sit down with him and talk it through.

If he thinks grocery spending is too high then suggest he does it if he can get everything that's needed for less.

If he doesnt know where money is going thats his fault. He should know. You both need to know what's coming in and going out and decide between you what if anything can be changed.

Why is it his job to save some money for the dc and then that’s it?

Your food bill looks pretty high for 2 adults, a 4 year old & a 1 year old, with some planning and budgeting, plus maybe shopping around, I’d say you could definitely cut £100 from that.

£200 a month on Amazon is ridiculous and makes no sense. “Household essentials” if we mean actual essentials, toilet rolls, kitchen roll, cleaning products, toothpaste etc you could do one £50 shop at somewhere like Home Bargains and that would do you for the month.

I mean, you could reduce your grocery spend. It’s currently at approximately 150 a week. You could reduce that to 120.

Other than the issues that others have addressed already regarding your husbands contributions, your spending seems very high. £200 a month on Amazon and a family meal out nearly every week? How many birthday parties/household items can you need? Your food bill is big too, we average £300-£400 a month for three of us and you are paying almost double that for four where one is a baby. Do you food prep or is it all “on the go” more expensive stuff? Your DHs lunch and coffee etc is also a huge overspend, tell him to take a flask and a sandwich or soup!

I would bet that most of this could be done away with, or substituted with used goods, or creative use of things that are around the house. Are you talking about your own kids' birthdays or taking gifts to others? A modest book for
£1-2 is fine to take to a young child's party.

White vinegar will pretty much clean anything, along with a bit of bleach for the toilets and some Fairy liquid.

What other "household stuff" are you spending £2400 per year on?

Supermarket spending seems high for four people, two of them small children.

Try two weeks of "living off your hump," and eat up what is in the freezer, fridge, pantry, etc. even if it results in some odd meals. Then you can start from scratch and only buy what is necessary for planned meals.

What’s the point of this marriage - you don’t sound like a team. Are you an unpaid employee- why does he get to spend what he likes?!

Are you paying half the rent from your savings while he saves

You go back to work asap. After you've paid half of the childcare you pay half of expenses and save the rest.

Also try and reduce the grocery bill so that will free up some funds for the DCs shoes etc.

I think you’re missing the point on this one. And the red flags

You need to think about your pension and get back to work.

Are you legally married?

The way it should work is that all money goes in one part and you decide together where that money goes. I could post my budget again, I post it on nearly every post, so you could find it easily but let me know if . My DH and I go through it every three-six months to make sure it aligns with what we spend and with current costs.

Like virtually everyone else, I can't get my head round this.

This isn't about posters suggesting you can cut a bit here or there, or whether your spending is at a reasonable level or not, the question you should be asking yourself here is why on earth your dh isn't contributing anything to the household, other than scraps here and there when you ask ????

You should be looking at ALL the income coming into your family unit - so, his salary, the rental income, and child benefit - then looking at all the outgoings so they can go out from that pot. After that, you then look at things like savings - immediate (in case fridge breaks down for example) , specific (eg for holidays), longer term (maybe a future house move, or expensive work on house like new boiler, new flooring, maybe new roof, etc), pensions (for both of you), then things like saving for your dcs' future if you can afford it. Then you look at luxuries or treats - which ought to include the eating out bill. Only after that, would you look at 'personal spends' for the two of you for whatever floats your boats. Those personal spends should be equal amounts.

Don't accept this financial abuse. Insist your dh contributes fairly to the household.

£2.4 k per child per annum for their entire childhood? So around £40k per child in the bank when they reach 18? What for? This is the ultimate in luxury spending.

You are not responding to the notion that your finances should be joint OP, and that you should not be using up your savings to cover everyday expenses when your husband apparently is not .

No rental payment for the current house we are living.

Put your DC into nursery and go back to work. Your DH needs to pay half nursery fees and do half the drop offs and collections. You realise if you divorce you would be entitled to half his savings and pension.

So you have no mortgage or rent to pay? if so, you are in a very fortunate position.
The issue is that, despite you not working, he seems to view his income as all for him. That's a problem and one that you need to tackle with him.
But yes, you do spend a lot considering that the children are tiny and so won't eat much. You could easily cut down your food plus Amazon expenditure by £3-400/month. Your DH also spends a lot on lunches and coffees. Why doesn't he make sandwiches or take leftovers if he is sorry worried about spending? It seems that he wants only you to economise.

Your finances are skewed. You could easily spend less on groceries and Amazon. But his salary seems to be his to spend as he wishes. Not a great way to live if you are meant to be a couple.

Why the hell do women put up with this shit! The SAHM i know are fully funded, the earner pays for everything, savings and pensions etc are kept for their future.
We both work, but DH pays most of our day to day expenses, he earns a lot more than me (I pay a set amount into the joint current account) and we both pay for ouŕ own clothes, lunches, coffees (and make up etc for me) from our own income. Any spare money I have at the end of the month goes into my ISA for holidays, savings and retirement funds. He does the same.

Rental and husbands wage should be pooled. Household costs out of that, and a private pension for you. What's left should be spilt into family savings and you both have money for daily spends.
That's how we work finances.

Yes its to make their seed money in the future. This was husbands idea and I agree with it.

My husband said clothing costs were too high. I know it should not be spent from my saving, but getting pressure on spending was unbearable so just bought from mine.

I will chat with him after looking at all the details together.

I spend around £600 for food for two. Your £600 seems normal to me. Amazon easily adds up £150 for essencial cleaning plus the bits for crafts etc to entertain kids. Decorations halloween, birthday gifts. It seems reasonable to me.
Its just unfair he doesnt want to contribute more from his income. I wouldnt have that. You should never ever touch your savings. It seems to me that he makes you feel guilty for overspending so he doesnt have to contribute more. He just says it as he knows you will feel too guilty to ask him for money and you will use your savings.
If he was to admit your spending is reasonable he would have to pay from his wages.
But he prefers to complain and keep you in check, dont you see it?
Stand your ground and dont use your savings ever again. He takes advantage of you.

OP, this sounds like financial abuse