Monthly spending for 4 people, husband thinks that I am overspending.

[Kim926]

I am a full-time mum to a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old.

I previously ran my own business for several years, mostly from home, and earned well. I was able to contribute significantly to our household — paying for family holidays and other family expenses. However, after Brexit the business became difficult to sustain, so I closed it. I am planning to start working again once our youngest begins nursery.

Currently, we rely on monthly rental income of £1,800. We have direct debits totalling around £1,200 each month (bills, car finance, kids’ classes, insurance, etc.). The largest expense is car finance, but we plan to return one car this winter, which will reduce costs by about £300.

After direct debits, we have around £600 left for the month, and my husband tops it up — not as a fixed amount, but little by little, asking me to keep spending to a minimum.

Our typical spending looks like this:

Groceries: £600–£700

Amazon: £150–£200

Dining out: £150–£200 (mostly my husband’s lunches and coffees; family meals out are about 2–3 times a month)

After these basics, there is very little left at the end of the month. If my husband doesn’t think something is necessary, then he simply don’t budget for it.

I don’t buy my clothes or basics from our joint funds at all — even children’s basics like clothes and shoes, I pay for from my previous personal savings. I also avoid ordering food delivery because my husband considers it wasteful, so if I really need a break or want something special, I use my own savings.

Despite this, my husband often tells me I need to reduce spending, only looking at the total figure.

While he is securing a pension and future for himself and the children, I also worry that if I don’t work soon, I won’t have any financial security of my own. He doesn’t push me to work, but he also doesn’t support sending our youngest to nursery yet, which would give me time to work or rebuild my career.

I do not know if I am spending a lot as he says.

It would be great if any advice is given.

Thats nothing surely? 100 or 150 a month is very little for house stuff, any birthdays or whatever. There is always something the kids or house needs.

Agree, i spend around £200 plus on Amazon each month as it can be cheaper for household stuff plus pets and kids items. So stuff like hair care, vitamins, detergents, washing, batteries, nappies, fire logs, pet food the list goes on. I only buy food at supermarkets but occasionally do that on Amazon too when they have an offer on for deliveries from Morrisons.

Your "basics" are anything but!! Also your amazon bill is incredibly high. I'm sure there are ways to reduce your monthly expenses

Mentioned on replies.

If you see above replies and looking at whats spent I do not think those were unnecessary items. To be honest I dont know why people pick up too much on Amazon spending. I do not buy certain items from supermarkets as Amazon is cheaper.

Stop saving £400 each month on the kids when you need it now. Or put it into your pension or you will always be begging from him!

Your husband is financially abusive. Is he controlling in other ways too?

The biggest cut back I can see here is your husbands coffees and lunch. He should make his own and take coffee in a flask which will save significantly. Groceries should also be able to be reduced. I spend 400-450 a month including cleaning products etc for 2 adults and 3 children and for 2 (small) dogs. I may buy extra fruit or salad mid week on top of this occasionally. We all eat differently too - I'm vegetarian, my husband is all about the meat, my son is particular due to autism and 2 DD's are completely different in what they like so each night is 5 different meals. Maybe look at reducing a small amount on groceries. I shop online and stick to the budget. Shop at a different supermarket each week and stock up on offers of things you have regularly. Batch cooking is great too. Also is your child not eligable for nursery hours? Good luck OP

£700 on food??? There's 6 of us here, 2 adults, 3 teens and a 9 year old and we're not spending that. Could you look at what you're buying? If you're buying branded stuff for example, buy the supermarket own brand etc

It sounds like he is financially abusing you. You are married and should have the same standard of living and choices about how the family money is spent. You should be able to look at all of your income from a joint perspective and agree budgets for spending including discretionary spending on yourself. He shouldn't be hoarding his income. You shouldn't need to dip into savings to buy stuff for your kids.

You can definitely save money.

For example, every body stop eating out, unless it's a special occasion. . DH takes a packed lunch. Easy. That's £150 saved.

Not entirely sure what "supplements" you're kids are having, but if they're eating a varied diet, they probably don't need them.

But the issue is your husband, not how much you're spending.

What are you buying from Amazon that's cheaper than supermarkets? I find it's very rarely cheaper.

There are some things here which is worrying.

1. You should be able to have the same access he has to the children's accounts. Both are parents with equal access.
2. Why prioritise children's savings right now while you are struggling? Suspend it for a year for both and that gives you access to money.
3. Amazon is not cheap and you could consider other online providers.
4. Where are you doing your food shopping? Sounds expensive. I live in North West.
5. Keep a ledger for one month to give you a full understanding of the money situation and to create transparency. Then this will enable you and he to reflect on where you can both cut back. This will also enable you to focus conversations.
6. You need to consider the choices in this as it will eat away at you.

I hope this gives you some ideas.

I am totally confused as to income and outgoings.
Why are buying stuff from Amazon every month?
What exactly are you buying from them and your children are very young and your outgoings shouldn't be that much.
You need to write down everything and work out where you can change.

Are you actually a couple? ‘The rest is his own’ - unbelievable! You appear to use the ‘rental income’ to pay for everything and your DH tops it up. He’s now telling you to reduce your spending. He needs to recognise that your current ‘job’ is bringing up your children + so any money he has ‘left’ at the end of each month belongs to you both. It’s not his money, it’s your money. I just don’t get couples today, DH + I have always pooled our money (in a joint account!)

Would sandwiches be much cheaper?

i would say there is definitely ways to spend less, the groceries and amazon are quite huge bills.
we are family of 5 (3ad 2ch) and a dog too and our groceries spend is usually 400-500 per month including all cleaning/toiletries/dog food etc.
i only buy the things off amazon that are really essential and also cost effective as nearly all the time its cheaper in different shops (home bargains for example).

i do budget and make sure im not overbuying groceries and making sure im buying them from the cheapest possible places depending on offers but we dont go without anything.

for dining out i wouldnt say 150/200 is too bad, we usually spend around that just with 1 takeaway a month and then getting bits out at the weekend like coffee/chips/chocolate when out and about at the kids different activities as we have quite a hectic activite schedule.

for clothes/toys/non essential treats i recommend putting money aside into a seperate account for that so it doesnt come out of the everyday spending pot. I sell all our old/unwanted clothes on vinted and then use the balance to buy new ones so then that doesnt feel like an expense too often.

Id spend a month really paying attention to what you spend and where and then the next month you can make sure there is enough money in the spending account to cover the month from the start, set yourself a rough budget so you roughly know there is enough in there.
if you start working and your husband has to pay half of the childcare bill i imagine that will be more than what he is having to top up the spending account with, so that needs to be discussed together as he might then change the way he is looking at things, you sre ultimatelty saving him half the cost of childcare by doing it yourself currently and thats a full time role in itself.

Yes. You can buy a loaf of bread for £1, a block of cheese for £1. Whole week of sandwiches would be £3 max.

When did you last pay £1 for a loaf of bread? Are you expecting a man like that to make his own? Can you imagine such a man getting up early to make sandwiches?

What about when he gets fed up with cheese, or it has a disastrous effect on his waistline?

.... and have you seen the price of cheese lately?

And heaven forbid you actually want your cheese to taste of something. We've done too good a job with DS. He won't eat school dinner cheese as it's too mild 🤭🤭

Where the hell are you shopping where a loaf of bread and a block of cheese is a quid each?

Well tbh I do think £600/700 for 2 adults and 2 small children is ridiculous if your at home all day dont you cook healthy meals from scratch? Up to £200 on Amazon? How many birthdays do you give presents for? And every month, household things you don't need new stuff every 6 months never mind every month. My opinion your used to living the high life and spending like there's no tomorrow. I'd sit down list what your buying that you could 1) cook yourself from scratch, healthier and you know what's in it. 2) think before you buy stuff. I honestly think you could cut down on grocery and Amazon by 300.00/mth, IF you wanted to.

A block of cheese for a pound? Where was this? 1973?

Har ha

The point remains that it's definitely cheaper to make sandwiches for the week than pay £3+ a day

I think £150-200 a month on Amazon is fine.
We easily spend that a month on things like cat food/ toiletries/ cleaning stuff/ dishwasher tablets/ new kids stuff like books/ clothing basics/ something random like diy or child related.
( ie today I had to order Ds non slip socks for school gym, and some star head large screws to fix shelf)