Monthly spending for 4 people, husband thinks that I am overspending.

[Kim926]

I am a full-time mum to a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old.

I previously ran my own business for several years, mostly from home, and earned well. I was able to contribute significantly to our household — paying for family holidays and other family expenses. However, after Brexit the business became difficult to sustain, so I closed it. I am planning to start working again once our youngest begins nursery.

Currently, we rely on monthly rental income of £1,800. We have direct debits totalling around £1,200 each month (bills, car finance, kids’ classes, insurance, etc.). The largest expense is car finance, but we plan to return one car this winter, which will reduce costs by about £300.

After direct debits, we have around £600 left for the month, and my husband tops it up — not as a fixed amount, but little by little, asking me to keep spending to a minimum.

Our typical spending looks like this:

Groceries: £600–£700

Amazon: £150–£200

Dining out: £150–£200 (mostly my husband’s lunches and coffees; family meals out are about 2–3 times a month)

After these basics, there is very little left at the end of the month. If my husband doesn’t think something is necessary, then he simply don’t budget for it.

I don’t buy my clothes or basics from our joint funds at all — even children’s basics like clothes and shoes, I pay for from my previous personal savings. I also avoid ordering food delivery because my husband considers it wasteful, so if I really need a break or want something special, I use my own savings.

Despite this, my husband often tells me I need to reduce spending, only looking at the total figure.

While he is securing a pension and future for himself and the children, I also worry that if I don’t work soon, I won’t have any financial security of my own. He doesn’t push me to work, but he also doesn’t support sending our youngest to nursery yet, which would give me time to work or rebuild my career.

I do not know if I am spending a lot as he says.

It would be great if any advice is given.

Why do you keep dodging the question about how much he earns? Usually you would respond with his annual salary? But you’re saying anything but his salary. Not sure what help you’re expecting to get whilst being so strangely secretive. You may as well ask the thread to be deleted as to not waste anyone’s time any further.

OP this is mad. He's completely taking advantage of you. Well if I'm understanding it correctly he is. Saving for two children doesn't get him a medal. He's saving £400 a month but what is he doing with the rest of his money?

OP, this is all a bit odd, really odd.

Do you have someone trusted IRL you can talk to?

On the face of it, from what you have written, yes, you can save here and there, but it seems there is quite a lot in underlying circumstances and no one here will be able to help you. I really mean this in the nicest possible way.

I’m so bored of these posts about separate finances and DW trying to make ends meet while DH stashes money away, supposedly for savings and pension. Just tell him joint finances or your leaving.

I don’t fully understand how you’re working your family finances but looking at your list I would say your grocery bill for 4 ( 2 adults 2 children) is a little high, we spend approx £150 a week for 5 of us including dogs and cat food, if the Amazon is for birthday presents etc then surely that’s not every month?
Your DH should certainly look at taking coffee in a thermal cup etc if he is looking at budgeting.
The thing that sticks out most is that you are being told to cut back, and finding it quite rightly stressful, you’re not able to work to build for your own pension/income.
Only you know really deep down if you’re being financially controlled but I would be looking at getting back into working asap.

'Dining out' and 'Amazon'?

This is truly awful

Regardless of what's going on with your husband's income, referring to a lot of what you spend money on as "bits" is never going to put your family in a good position.

He sound financially abusive and controlling.

Sorry this is in the wrong post it was meant to be completely a new post have asked to delete

so the 1800 before tax is joint, except you pay the tax.
Out of that 1800 (which is not actually 1800, as it's before tax), you pay all those direct debits, car payments, bills, food, household items, family meals and husband's lunches.

You use personal savings for children's clothes and other 'luxuries' (are you expected to walk around naked?)

Besides this joint money, he earns 3K per month. He pays 200 per kid into savings that you have no access to, and spends rest of the money on himself, while complaining you spend too much.

This is madness.

At the moment saving for the children is a luxury that is coming at the expense of your savings and your pension. You should be paying into a pension for you and the savings for the children can wait until you are back in employment.

Yes you could probably cut back a bit on your spending but so could he - packed lunches and thermos of coffee.

He's financially controlling, go back to work.

he sounds like a golddigger tbh

I think you need to sit down with him and sort out the family budget - with his lunches being first not he list

£200 a month on eating out is a massive overspend on a family of four. We have children roughly the same ages as you and income only slightly higher but we get tale out maybe once a month and grab coffees here and there (mostly look through apps where we can get them for free or cheaper) the only time we pay full price for a coffee is when my husband goes for business meetings. We pay maybe £40/£50 a month on eating out, if that. Also amazon purchasee seem like they could be massively reduced and found cheaper elsewhere.

This! Unbelievable.

OP I think you need a serious chat with him.

write down all the income and divide it fairly. You each need some spending money for yourself once all the bills are paid. Get the incomes into the joint account so you have visibility.

get your name on the kids accounts asap and get a statement now.

do you love/like this man? Is he selfish or controlling in other ways.

it’s not an excuse, but is he old fashioned in his views about women?

please protect yourself.

Give him a serious reality check. This is uncomfortable reading.

Echoing all the other posts. You have no transparency. As a result, no idea of the actual overall position of the income or monthly budget vs expenditure. I would be feeling pressured too in your shoes. Eating away at savings is ridiculous. Definitely go back to work.

Unless you're doing a crosscheck with supermarkets, I don't find Amazon to be such a good deal anyway, so I would probably try to save there anyway.

The eating out cost is high, and getting takeaway these days is extortionate in my opinion but I don't begrudge anyone the occasional coffee and cake/lunch out.

OP are you or your family from another country ?

Best solution would be a joint account for all income (you are married with a family, the money is family money) or failing that a divorce and you take half the assets.

This is pretty much what I would say. If he feels like this about money, well two can play at that game. Either he pays you to look after the children or you get a job and the children are in nursery. But, your marriage does not sound like a partnership.

I would not want to be economically dependent on such a tightwad…

You need to have a proper discussion about your joint finances.

Do what I did and stop spending your savings. Stop buying yourself and the kids new clothes / hair dresser and then whenever anyone asks why you guys are dressed in tatty clothing while husband is in designer tell them that he doesn’t give you the money for it. Shame is the way to go. Tell everyone whose opinion he cares about.

DH needs to be making up a packet of sandwiches and some custard creams or something for his lunches

Rather than wanking around at Pret with a latte of whatever