Monthly spending for 4 people, husband thinks that I am overspending.

[Kim926]

I am a full-time mum to a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old.

I previously ran my own business for several years, mostly from home, and earned well. I was able to contribute significantly to our household — paying for family holidays and other family expenses. However, after Brexit the business became difficult to sustain, so I closed it. I am planning to start working again once our youngest begins nursery.

Currently, we rely on monthly rental income of £1,800. We have direct debits totalling around £1,200 each month (bills, car finance, kids’ classes, insurance, etc.). The largest expense is car finance, but we plan to return one car this winter, which will reduce costs by about £300.

After direct debits, we have around £600 left for the month, and my husband tops it up — not as a fixed amount, but little by little, asking me to keep spending to a minimum.

Our typical spending looks like this:

Groceries: £600–£700

Amazon: £150–£200

Dining out: £150–£200 (mostly my husband’s lunches and coffees; family meals out are about 2–3 times a month)

After these basics, there is very little left at the end of the month. If my husband doesn’t think something is necessary, then he simply don’t budget for it.

I don’t buy my clothes or basics from our joint funds at all — even children’s basics like clothes and shoes, I pay for from my previous personal savings. I also avoid ordering food delivery because my husband considers it wasteful, so if I really need a break or want something special, I use my own savings.

Despite this, my husband often tells me I need to reduce spending, only looking at the total figure.

While he is securing a pension and future for himself and the children, I also worry that if I don’t work soon, I won’t have any financial security of my own. He doesn’t push me to work, but he also doesn’t support sending our youngest to nursery yet, which would give me time to work or rebuild my career.

I do not know if I am spending a lot as he says.

It would be great if any advice is given.

£4800k - this is family income. After bills are covered, and savings set aside for kids, for long term goals like pension for him, pension for you, holidays, then remainder should be divided 50/50 between you and him equally.

1. What is his exact income & what is your income?
2. Why aren’t bills split proportionately as percentage of income?
3. You should each have the same amount leftover after all bills & family expenses (clothing, birthdays, holidays etc) to then either save or spend on miscellaneous items/activities as you so choose

You shouldn’t be in this position of begging him for money every month for basics. You should have equal spending power.

But what on earth do you need to spend £100-150 a month on? What is it that is absolutely essential and amounts to such a sum, every single month…

These aren't basics. What are you spending £600-700 a month on at the supermarket if it doesn't cover household stuff and lunches? I spend £600 a month on a household of 3 adults and two pets plus meals for 3 step kids 3 times a week and it covers all household expenses and lunches for all of us! Your husband doesn't need to eat out and buy coffees - why does that come from the household pot anyway?

Is that rental income profit or does some of it have to go on the costs (insurance, tax, electric/gas certificates, sinking fund for repairs and to cover void periods, etc.) ?

It really depends on where you live in the UK what the food costs are. When I lived in Scotland, food was a lot cheaper than in the Midlands.

I live on the south east coast of England. Food here isn't cheap. I think OP's husband is a tightwad dickhead but I still don't see why any family needs to spend £600-700 a month on groceries that excludes household items and lunches for one of the adults of the household.

@Kim926 so he has his own spending money even though the decision for you not to work is joint/led by him and any work you could do likely limited by childcare

a decision he throws back in your face and refuses to accept that his lunch spending is massively high as well

Next time you get a car buy second hand for cash and save for the next one

Regularly eating out is an easily avoided expense and definitely not a 'basic'. Aside from this, from what you say you say you're in a really horrible position. I'd hate having to beg dh for money. It all goes into the pot and we agree larger expenditure like holidays together. As you say, he's topping up his pension while yours languishes. I'd definitely head back to work and make sure childcare costs are split fairly

Tell the tight cunt to buy his own lunches out of the wedge of cash he's keeping away from you.

Tell him the family meals out are going to stop.

You need to tell him he either agrees to nursery so you can go back to work or he can shut up about money. Take his pick.

Look op has carved out a pittance per month to save towards things she needs that don’t happen every month. I’d stop nitpicking the budget because the larger issue is they are on £4800/mo and her DH is keeping £2-3k all for himself. Which is financial abuse.

This is all very unclear.
You haven't listed his earnings, or other income like child benefit - are his earnings so high that you don't receive CB?
You refer to unspecified amounts such as "savings for 2 children" and unspecified things like "Amazon", and then things that don't add up, eg "Dining out: £150–£200 (mostly my husband’s lunches and coffees; family meals out are about 2–3 times a month)" .
Family meals out can't come to much less than £50 per outing, and probably more: 2-3 times per month would be £150, so H's lunches and coffees would be under £50 which seems unlikely.
How all this usually works is that the whole family income is reviewed, a budget is made accordingly, and when you can work out what is left over, you can then consider an appropriate level of savings (family savings, agreed on by you both).
It sounds as if he controls the finances, is being less than transparent about what there is and instead of insisting that all household expenditure comes out of family income, you are making up the shortfall out of your savings whilst he amasses savings and behaves as if you are the spendthrift. It looks very much like financial abuse to me.
I would say, go back to work and tell him that he will responsible for half the cost of childcare. Be aware that any savings and pensions will be viewed as marital assets should you separate, so whilst he might think it's all his, he's wrong. Stop filling any holes out of your savings and tell him that the children's expenses (and yours whilst you are at home looking after the DC) are a family cost, and he needs to contribute towards everything. If you feel you can't have that sort of discussion with him, then I would suggest that the marriage is in trouble and you need to be thinking ahead.

If not basic houshold items, it includes items mostly for kids: kids supplements, medicine, and monthly kindle subscription etc. As little one started reception we had to buy some stationaries books water bottles and kits so more spending in recent months.

The rental income will not be £1800 net of expenses and tax. I’d be amazed if it’s half that.

You need to create a budget that starts with your TOTAL COMBINED income. You then need to record religiously everyone item of expenditure over a couple of months, regular direct debits plus your discretionary spending. Every single penny. For BOTH of you. This will show you where you can cut down on spending. But this is not just on you OP, you are a family and need to look at the family income not just yours and his.

Completely agree with this. Tell him that if he's so against his precious baby going to nursery then he can shut the fuck up with the moaning about how much you spend. Oh and tell him he can buy his own lunches and coffees from his personal spends seeing as you're having to use yours to clothe your children. I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a financially abusive cunt

Fucking hell.

Your finances look bonkers

Why do women put up with this?

He is only able to work and earn his income of about £50k presumably, because you are doing all the childcare

His money is not his money, it is family money. Why is he saving for 1 and 4 year olds when you are scrimping?

Time to start pooling finances and get a sensible budget worked out.

You need to start working as an equal partnership. You're a married couple, all money is joint in the eyes of the law and should be in your household.

What's your total net income? Presume the £1800 rental income is net of tax, insurance etc?

What are your total household outgoings? For everyone.

If the outgoings exceed the income then yes there needs to be cut backs, for everyone. How much of your household income is being paid into a pension for you? Do you receive child benefit? Are you entitled to any other benefits?

You need to sit down together, look at what’s coming in and what’s been going out over last 6 months and agree a sustainable budget and lifestyle combination.

That feeds, clothes and houses everyone.

And that means looking at what is being spent on Amazon.

Lunch and coffes are partially supported from his office so its relatively low price.

We receive child benefits,

Savings are £200 for each child per month.

I will have to discuss with him and start working soon.

My savings are slowly going away and hearing that I am overspending is becoming a pressure.

So your selfish husband keeps the income he earns from his job, to himself? He doesn’t put it in the family household pot, where the rental income goes? Yet spends £200+ a month of the family household pot on his own coffees and lunches? What a horrible man. You are a partnership. A team. Income should be shared, especially when you are taking time off work to look after HIS child. Maybe you could suggest that you go back to work, earn £3k yourself, keep that money away from him, whilst he stays at home, doesn’t work/earn and lives off the family household pot? See how he likes it.

Husband's income more than mine. He tops up my pension to use the bits of tax allowances I don't, pays the groceries each week and says to use the card he pays for on most other stuff such as dog food, vet stuff etc. There would be no complaint, I don't think, if I put my personal spending on too, but I don't as a rule, as I can't make myself do that. He covered nursery for DS when it was relevant even though I was at home, and school trips etc.
If he was out buying lunch at work, that would be coming out of his income too.

This is the first time I’ve been genuinely confused by a budget! This makes no sense