Monthly spending for 4 people, husband thinks that I am overspending.

[Kim926]

I am a full-time mum to a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old.

I previously ran my own business for several years, mostly from home, and earned well. I was able to contribute significantly to our household — paying for family holidays and other family expenses. However, after Brexit the business became difficult to sustain, so I closed it. I am planning to start working again once our youngest begins nursery.

Currently, we rely on monthly rental income of £1,800. We have direct debits totalling around £1,200 each month (bills, car finance, kids’ classes, insurance, etc.). The largest expense is car finance, but we plan to return one car this winter, which will reduce costs by about £300.

After direct debits, we have around £600 left for the month, and my husband tops it up — not as a fixed amount, but little by little, asking me to keep spending to a minimum.

Our typical spending looks like this:

Groceries: £600–£700

Amazon: £150–£200

Dining out: £150–£200 (mostly my husband’s lunches and coffees; family meals out are about 2–3 times a month)

After these basics, there is very little left at the end of the month. If my husband doesn’t think something is necessary, then he simply don’t budget for it.

I don’t buy my clothes or basics from our joint funds at all — even children’s basics like clothes and shoes, I pay for from my previous personal savings. I also avoid ordering food delivery because my husband considers it wasteful, so if I really need a break or want something special, I use my own savings.

Despite this, my husband often tells me I need to reduce spending, only looking at the total figure.

While he is securing a pension and future for himself and the children, I also worry that if I don’t work soon, I won’t have any financial security of my own. He doesn’t push me to work, but he also doesn’t support sending our youngest to nursery yet, which would give me time to work or rebuild my career.

I do not know if I am spending a lot as he says.

It would be great if any advice is given.

And its so unfair- you stay home doing housework- for free, childcare-for free. While he gets paid for his time. His income should be divided half and he should give you half each month. That way you getting paid for your SAHM.
But i am well aware that is easy to say but no way would he agree. He would never ever go for it.

So he views clothing for rapidly growing children as optional but regular lunches and coffees out for him as essential? What a father he is!

He's taking advantage of you, massively!

Agree

Have you seen the savings accounts for the kids? Is he definitely putting money in there? Tbh if you have debt/are struggling saving 'seed' money for your kids when they are older should be way down the list of priorities.

Is your DH open to discussing finances and working together on a budget or is he secretive about his accounts?

Have you seen the children's savings accounts? Are they ISAs in the children's names? Or is this just an excuse for him to squirrel away all the money.

Not clear to me where your husband's entire income goes. ..?

I have never allowed my husband to do me this number. His whole income pay for everything and I top it off if I have a job, which depends how many hours, given I have been home staying mother....it is me who has to have the savings for me or kids or him, because it is most likely me who is going to outlive him.

Exactly. Makes no sense when you are struggling to make ends meet. Have you seen these savings? They need to be cut and you need the money now. You can top up as you wish when your income increases. Whose name are these children's accounts in? OP you are going to have to stand up for yourself.

This is absolutely bonkers!

It could even be abusive. Do you realise if it is it’s a criminal offence?

You need to total your joint income. Make a budget of what needs to go out every month then evenly split ‘fun’ money left over each month.

He’s bleeding you dry.

You shouldn’t be dipping into your own savings so that he can put money into the kids savings.. that’s surely absurd? You’ll end up in debt just to keep the peace by the sounds of it.

Sorry, OP, this is all fucked up.

My ex husband gave me this line. And whaddyaknow, there was only him that could access it. And as it was in the kids’ names it didn’t go on his declaration of finances when we divorced and he kept the lot.

OP this stinks to high heaven.

Be warned, he is very clever. You have effectively been moving your savings into the children’s “seed” money, even though you didn’t see it at the time. He keeps you short. You dip into savings. He tops up the kids’ money. Crafty fucker.

We spend about the same as you. Perhaps even more on direct debits.
Your husband is a controlling arsehole. Tell him to manage on the same budget and also tell him to start treating his wife better. What a tosser.

I saw kids savings once with interests added. I just do not have an access.

He talks and keeps saying I can spend more but he would still put bits and bits. Even though there was zero balance he just left it for days and says why didnt I ask.

Hi @Kim926 is your £1800 rental income profit, after tax deductions , insurances , wear and tear? This is the most confusing budget / fina

You don’t have access? Well that’s a surprise…

It is before tax. Last years tax was paid from my saving. My husband paid for insurances. Small parts were taken out of joint.

Absolutely this. What a total bastard your DH is.

If your DH was financially literate, if he viewed you as a life partner and wanted to maximise money for your future together imho he would be putting £2,880 per year into a personal pension for you, the tax relief would make this £3,600 straight away. As a non-worker this is your annual pension contribution limit. I suggest the savings from giving up the car can be used for this.

Then when you are both old enough you will be able to retire early (before the state pension age) and take the money out of the pensions 25% tax free and the remainder taxable; but if you keep it below the personal allowance it is zero-rated so all tax free (that’s the drawdown approach).

The alternative approach is UFPLUS - under which people in this scenario now can take over £16k each per year from their personal pension pots and pay zero tax.

For example, someone I know was a higher rate tax payer (40% income tax), but when they put £1000 into their personal pension, the government added £250 and also sent them a £200 tax rebate for the 20% income tax. Now they are over 55 they can take it out at £16k per year and pay no tax on it. If they had put the same in their spouses personal pension then they would have been able to take the same. i.e. overall put £2,000 into personal pension, get £400 back, get £500 added by the government and then pay no tax on the £2500 (plus any growth) when they take it out!

To be honest I’d argue he should be doing this for the kids too, instead of what he is presumably doing : putting it in ISAs.

So he earns £3k, contributes £1k and £200x2 for kids savings. Leaving him £1600 for what? Minimally he could be buying his own lunch and coffees with that.

But seriously when all your money is family money and more than half his money is HIS money its a DH problem not a budget one

I feel as though your husband is taking advantage of you.

You’re fine

This is completely shocking.