To be depressed that were the only ones with a tiny place

[AleaEim]

I am just dumbfounded these days as everyone around me seems to be able to effortlessly afford big houses and multiple holidays a year. Two years ago, dh and I went through blood, sweat and tears to buy our tiny maisonette, we knew it was small but it was close to a station that gets us to London easily and we knew we couldn’t afford to move out further and then have to pay for expensive trains. We used all our savings for this place and even needed a small loan from MIL (retirement savings) which we now pay pack monthly on top of a mortgage. I’m now on mat leave and have zero disposable income, we both struggle to buy treats or a takeaway for a nice break. If something needs to be done to the house we need to use our credit cards, we are trying to build up our savings for emergencies but it’s so hard. Yesterday we went to a new couple friends house (we know them from NCT), we thought they were quite normal/ working class people and expected them to be living like us. I was wrong, their place was huge, with a huge garden, there was so much space, they also have been away on lots of trips this year. This is the same for the rest of the NCT group, we live in a relatively working class area so none of us are super wealthy but everyone seems to be doing better than us. We can barely afford to run our car. I think I find it depressing because we worked so hard to get this place, we had no inheritance or gifted money, we were proud of our place until we started to see what our friends were buying. One of my non NCT friends was complaining about her small four bed house recently, she has a huge place with a big garden in zone 4 London, she earns less than me but married quite wealthy 🥹 it makes me sick and I don’t know how to just overcome this. I know we should be grateful but it’s hard. I’m just envious that others seem to have been dealt a better hand than us, neither of our parents owned property so there’s no generational wealth at all.

Sorry big rant but feeling quite low today and it affected my sleep. In the grand scheme of things I know we are lucky.

If you truly love your husband then you are rich in your own way. Some women marry a man they like for the stability they can provide and sacrifice that pure love feeling, maybe hoping it will grow. It sounds like everything you have you've truly earned together as a team which is lovely. Roll on another 10 years and you might be in a much more comfortable position, it's tough at the moment but be proud of what you have. Like you say, your friends could have inherited it, they could have higher paid jobs, who knows, but remember, comparison is the thief of joy!

Comparison is the thief of joy. You had no financial leg up, they did. That's all. Rethink about what you feel the size of your house says about you as a person. All it says really is that you had some help from parents, and there was some generational leg up. Nothing more. I'd urge you to walk through the most deprived areas of town today, and go home and feel grateful, and keep practicing that. It's a daily decision, don't go down the hole.

You’re probably right that it’s generational wealth plus the step divide of whether you or your parents were able to buy a house at some point before recent market peaks. There are times in life where those sorts of inequalities really sting.

You’ve done something difficult in buying a place to live in a good location. It will ultimately be a good decision. When will the loan to your MIL be paid off?

Just sending hugs OP. You've worked hard and have got there in terms of a home and starting a family.
Things will get better I promise.

You kind of jumped onto thr one woman who married wealthy, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him and married for stability , what an odd take.

op. You need to focus on what you have and stop eying up what others have, jealousy only damages you not the other person, and it makes the person who suffers from it unhappy.

if you’re struggling financially then the answer is to increase your earnings, so can you both look at how to progress in your careers? It’s hard for a lot of people right now, labour has made things so hard for the country, the cost of living is spiralling, and likely going to get worse, so trying to get better paid jobs is the onky way through it.

you have a home, a husband. Clearly a good family, don’t focus on the materialistic, focus on what you do have.

It's generational wealth / bank of mum and dad. Even if they are repaying it if they could borrow in 05 or 10 the delta in wealth from property value gains is huge. Housing has never been so unaffordable

We dont have any help but have been "successful" in our careers. Despite earning more than almost all our friendship set our lifestyle is "behind" in terms of holidays, schools, home furnishings etc.
They dont need to pump cash into pensions, save for holidays or pay for private schools - their parents sort it.
One couple are in a large £2m flat in z2 mortgage free?!?!

I say "successful" as my current well paid job is making me ill (the stress and constant threats of redundancy are exacerbating a serious health condition)

The current world climate amd my health in my 40s has really caused to re-evaluate what is important and honestly in my 20s or 30s i would laughed in their face if someone said a good honest life with friends and people who love you is enough 🙈 cringing woth embarrassment at my younger capitalist self...
i now am 💯 in agreement with @Kindnesscostsnothingtryit
A man you love / family / good friends are real wealth.

Obviously not every wealthy woman has married for stability, I didn't mean that at all, but unfortunately some people do, not just women..OP sounds like she truly loves her husband, I was just pointing out that even if they're not wealthy then that's more important.

I get the feeling of house inadequacy. We live in an affluent area with a really decent house but I still feel a bit embarrassed when friends with perfect great big houses come over- feels like most people are a fair bit wealthier than us but hard to know what’s on credit/ the size of peoples mortgages etc.

Just to say though that it’s not always generational wealth. Both me and DH are working class backgrounds- no financial help post university, but DH managed to progress quickly at work and saved a substantial deposit for our first London house in his 20s- early 30s. I know that we’ve been fortunate in that he’s in a well paying industry though.

@AleaEim
I completely feel what you're saying.
It won't help to hear that you're probably in a better position than a lot of other people.

You've done really well to be able to buy a property and I'm very sure there are people out there, probably within your own circle of family and friends, who are envious of the fact that you've managed to get on the property ladder.

I actually despair for anyone starting out or trying to improve their lives, it must be like trying to swim against a strong current.
There's no help, everything's so expensive, it must be so demoralising.
So I do feel for you.

I agree with pp, give it 10 yrs and your situation will have probably changed, a long time to wait but hopefully . . . .

Im probably a lot older than you, started off in a council flat, single parent, I had nothing, my situation now is a lot different to back then but even now I worry, COL, what's going to happen when I retire.

Im currently watching Dd and her Dh struggling.

Remember that old saying, comparison is the thief of joy, or something like that.

I have no constructive advice but I do understand so im posting in solidarity

Where are you based OP, as you mention a friend in zone 4.

We have a vert small 3 bed semi in a beautiful rural village. Many of DDs friends have farms/large 6 bed edwardian townhouses etc. Never once have we felt inadequate or ashamed, that lies with you OP.

Our house is the one which all her friends love coming to and none of them or their parents have ever looked down their noses at us. Although if they did I wouldn't care less anyway.
It is your insecurity which creates those feelings of inadequacy. Be proud of your home and yourself and what you've achieved.
1 of the mums of her friend group had a life limiting accident and I wouldn't swop lives with them just for their beautiful, huge Arts and Crafts house.

Be happy, you have a maisonette and I'm sire you have a garden where your children can play. I'd love that, I live in a 2 bedroom flat which will never be mine and I'm still happy because I was homeless before. Your maisonette might be smaller than your friend's home but is fill with love.

You’ve said in your OP you were happy with what you had until you saw what others had. That’s a you problem OP and it comes off very badly.

Not always generational weath as PPs are claiming. I financed myself through uni (i needed to take a gap year to work and save to do this) and did not receive money from my mum to buy my house. My DH also earns well as he works in the finance sector. We bought our first house together at 30 with our own money, and moved to a different town that we could afford.

A clear condition in my mind of having my kids was that I was financially stable first, including savings.

Anyone that seems surprisingly wealthy given their jobs it is likely to be family giving them money through inheritance or gifts.

It doesn’t reflect badly on you that you are managing without family money. I understand that it can feel a bit unfair or depressing but that’s just life really- some people have more “family money” than others and maybe you will benefit from an inheritance in future or maybe not.

It’s best to focus on your own life and do the best for your own family, worrying about what other people have won’t make you happy. The NCT is also quite a middle class organisation so may be giving you a somewhat skewed perspective.

And there are some people who work very hard and will never be able to buy a property…

You sound like you are old enough that uni tuition fees were free when you were there so slightly different to today. Some people also used to get maintenance grants and they didn’t have to be repaid, also housing benefit in the long holidays. That was the case when I went to uni but it’s much tougher for young people now.

in years to come they will be still be saddled with a huge mortgage and you'll be on the way to paying yours off. Their lifestyle is probably funded by debt.

I went to uni in 2007 lol

You’ve made choices and need to stop comparing. You could have moved somewhere cheaper but you mention commuting to London so I’m assuming that jobs are based there. You’ve chosen to have a child so now have less money due to MAT leave. You didn’t have to have a child.

Yes some people you know may have had inheritance that enabled them to buy a bigger place, or they earn more money, or they’re in debt.

A friend of mine lives in an amazing property, they’re completely skint and can’t afford it but bought it anyway. I love their house, I’d never but myself in a precarious financial position to live somewhere like that.

I agree with others, I’m mid 40s, the stress of being in a high earning job is not sustainable. I’m looking to take a significant pay cut, if I can pay my bills, buy food and have days out occasionally I’ll be happy. It really is time to stop comparing and focus on what you do have.

My friend came to my house to drop something off. Was stood outside the front chatting, her son looked at me “is this your house?”……”yep”……….”all of it?”……..”no, only up to the middle, someone else lives on that side”……..”oh, it’s REALLY small!” 😂

there will always be people with more than you, add there will always be people with less than you. I love my little house, and I feel proud that I have it. Really friends don’t judge you on what you have (their kids might!)

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. I know I’m being ungrateful. It’s just that our place is so so small not just objectively small, can’t even fit a baby walker in the living room small and my friend had two in her living room, silly but hard not to notice these things. Thanks to the PP who said in ten years things will be different, that is true. I went to uni for the first time in my early 30’s and am now on a doctorate course which pays me a trainee salary, in two years I’ll be qualified and earning more. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. Think I was just totally shocked yesterday and dh was equally shocked the other day when his friend was talking about fixing something in his house that cost 20k, where on earth do people just have that money? They didn’t get a loan. Little moments like this get us down, I don’t know why but it just does, we try our best but we didn’t have a leg up so our best isn’t good enough sometimes.

It’s generational wealth and it’s a bummer. But I know people in their 50’s who never managed to get on the property ladder and who would be envious of you. You are building something for your children and things will get easier. I remember my first house was a complete doer-upper and we lived in a building site for many years. It was really hard but things do get better.

No it doesn't, it's totally understandable. Generational wealth is unfair on those who don't have it and have to work twice as hard to get half of what others own. And I say that as someone who has benefitted from it. It's okay for op to feel aggrieved.

You're obviously not the only people living in small houses and flats and you well know it.
London and the commuter belt is expensive, near a station even more so. We moved further out to afford more space. If you feel your home is too small, these are the choices you will have to make. That's just life. Don't waste your energy being jealous.
You're doing a doctorate at the same time you've had a baby, no wonder you're short of cash. Other people your age, even without generational wealth, have been qualified and earning lots and paying down mortgages for a decade longer than you. Would be nonsense to compare yourself to them. Different choices, different lifestyles.