To be depressed that were the only ones with a tiny place

[AleaEim]

I am just dumbfounded these days as everyone around me seems to be able to effortlessly afford big houses and multiple holidays a year. Two years ago, dh and I went through blood, sweat and tears to buy our tiny maisonette, we knew it was small but it was close to a station that gets us to London easily and we knew we couldn’t afford to move out further and then have to pay for expensive trains. We used all our savings for this place and even needed a small loan from MIL (retirement savings) which we now pay pack monthly on top of a mortgage. I’m now on mat leave and have zero disposable income, we both struggle to buy treats or a takeaway for a nice break. If something needs to be done to the house we need to use our credit cards, we are trying to build up our savings for emergencies but it’s so hard. Yesterday we went to a new couple friends house (we know them from NCT), we thought they were quite normal/ working class people and expected them to be living like us. I was wrong, their place was huge, with a huge garden, there was so much space, they also have been away on lots of trips this year. This is the same for the rest of the NCT group, we live in a relatively working class area so none of us are super wealthy but everyone seems to be doing better than us. We can barely afford to run our car. I think I find it depressing because we worked so hard to get this place, we had no inheritance or gifted money, we were proud of our place until we started to see what our friends were buying. One of my non NCT friends was complaining about her small four bed house recently, she has a huge place with a big garden in zone 4 London, she earns less than me but married quite wealthy 🥹 it makes me sick and I don’t know how to just overcome this. I know we should be grateful but it’s hard. I’m just envious that others seem to have been dealt a better hand than us, neither of our parents owned property so there’s no generational wealth at all.

Sorry big rant but feeling quite low today and it affected my sleep. In the grand scheme of things I know we are lucky.

My father died when I was 27 and he left me a sum of money so I bought a 2 bed maisonette in zone 2. People said I was lucky to have such a lovely big place. I said I would have preferred to still have my dad.

But people lose parents and don't have any inheritance...

Loving husband
Own home
Good education
Good job prospects
Child
Friends
Loving family who gave you a leg up on the property ladder
And still dissatisfied and complaining. Come on now.

I am sorry about your dad.
But I know plenty of people who lost parents in their teens and twenties and did inherit anything. Indeed some had to get into debt to pay for their parents funerals.

I’m surprised you are surprised. It’s very normal for people to have help buying houses either by inheritances or gifts/loans from parents or grandparents.

No generational wealth here either, DH left school with a spirit level, Ive always worked in NMW roles

Our friendship group ( in our 30s/40's Living in London ) were mostly millionaires , we had a 2 up 2 down mid terrace in zone 4 , which was a building site for the first year we lived there , they all had the double fronted victorian houses in Fulham, Putney, Chelsea , took long haul holidays multiple times a year etc etc . Think we had our first holiday in 1995 - week cheap B+B deal in Turkey and we never bought a car until 2001

But they were our friends and they all turned up to our wedding, which we did ourselves in our tiny back garden, drinking from cans and bottles cooled in buckets of ice, we went to theirs where champagne flowed and the finest foods were served. We socialised - we would take turns picking where we would go, they would be as happy to join us in our local nepalese and we would rock up with them to a Michelin starred place

We now have the big house, because we sold our little 2 up , 2 down , for far far more then we paid for it and moved 500 miles from London

Still have no money because we are now getting too old to work full time and this bloody big house costs a fortune to heat and maintain

Whilst I love my home and where I live, I still look back on the 2 up, 2 down ( my garage now is bigger then that house was ) as some of the happiest times , it was our first home together that we rebuilt together, where we got married, where we built our relationship- one that's stood the test of 35 years together

Still no generational wealth as mum is still alive - living with us , and when we do inherit - if we do - it will be spent funding our later years , there will be only the home that we leave when we die for the grandchildren to inherit ( I have no children to leave anything too but have grandchildren )

We have always been happy with our lot, we only ever aspired to have a home and a garden, be able to pay the bills.

I have never felt envious of other peoples lifestyles , well maybe my friend I walk with, just found out she has a cleaner once a week !!!

Not 100%. A number of people on this thread have described buying properties without money from parents, through having good jobs and saving. It is more likely for those of probably around the same age as op (late thirties) than the younger people just starting out now.

There are so many older people with a lot of money. They are likely passing it down to their kids in the form of house deposits etc.

I do think comparison can be the thief of joy. My DH is terrible for this, which is frustrating as I work with homeless families and know how lucky we are.

Thanks so much everyone for sending lovely replies, it’s put things into perspective. I think I just got into a bit of a mood yesterday, it’s tough being 37 and still living in a tiny flat, at some point you just get fed up. I have friends from where i grew up (a very deprived estate) where they’ve fiddled the system to get big houses, I wouldn’t envy them but it’s like you get little reward for getting an education or making an honest living so I see why they do it. We just feel like we struggle all the time financially and I know it will change in a few years but it’s so tough when you’re in it. It’s so tough when you just want to have a bit of extra money for a treat. And those commenting on NCT, I really had to sign up to something like this whether it killed me to pay for it or not as I am new to the area and have lots of friends moving far away, I couldn’t deal with loneliness on mat leave. Tbh the others all have very humble jobs so I have just been surprised to how they seem to be gliding through life so effortlessly.

anyway I’m rambling and I just want to say that I am grateful that we’ve been more sensible with money than our parents and we are making a better life for our child. We are starting to save a small amount for her and she will have many things (material and non material) that we never had.

Glad that you've got some perspective now and can see the bigger picture. Indeed, if you've got lots of friends moving far away, presumably it's because they chose to do that for a non-tiny place rather than make your choice of staying in a tiny place. Likewise, all your friends back home who've fiddled the system to get big houses (hmmm) have made different choices to you which you say you don't envy (hmmm). Rather than getting wound up by the simplistic little reward for getting an education or making an honest living schtick that gets used to make us hate on others and pity ourselves, much better to own your choices that were made on the basis of delayed rewards which you're on track for. Or if you regret those choices, change them and follow your friends. But the bottom line is that absolutely no one is ever gliding through life so effortlessly whatever the size of their home so don't kid yourself about that.

Hi OP I have been Excactly where you are, DH and I struggled to afford our first deposit whilst others celebrated buying their first detached houses after being gifted deposits by their parents. We felt embarrassed renting and couldn’t join in with conversations about mortgage rates/extensions etc. it made us feel like we were at the bottom of the pile (I know this is our own insecurity that stems from my childhood).

Then we struggled and struggled to buy our first home (small 3 bed semi detached) and now our friends have all either got massive extensions or have bought even bigger places. I don’t invite friends to mine out of embarrassment how tiny our place is. So I do understand how you feel.

But give it time, you will soon be earning more (well done on uni!), you’ll be able to save once your little one is bigger and you’ll have equity in your home. You’ve done the hard part, try comparing what
you have now to what you had 5 years ago instead of what others have got.

like others have said, you don’t know who is looking at you and feeling envious of your smaller mortgage/less financial pressure, your amazing new job, your relationship with your husband, the amount of gov help you’ll get for childcare, or the fact you’ve even been able to get on the ladder as so many can’t these days.

it sounds to me like you’re doing great OP, remember this will be a phase that you look back on one day :)

I am older than you are I am 50, but we also went through the same thing although I very much appreciate when we bought our first house in 2001 it was a lot different than it is now. However we bought a few years after our friends did and it did make a difference in terms of house prices. We had no help whatsoever (and many of friends did from parents, inheritance etc) and our first house was tiny tiny and very much a doer upper, others had much bigger houses and were extending in London we moved a bit out.

I have no idea what people thought when they came to my house no one said anything and I don’t think it really occurred to me they might be thinking anything as I was so proud of us and our house, we were so happy after renting crappy flats for a long time.
Over the years things improved and we moved into a much bigger house, things improved again etc and now we live in a huge house in a beautiful area with very little mortgage left to pay.
We were just starting out then, and while I couldn’t have predicted how life would turn out, we were always working towards what we wanted from life and that’s what you’re doing too.
Circumstances change, yes sometimes for the worse not better unfortunately, but ultimately you have your house it’s safe and secure and yours. You’ve achieved so much

remember you have earned this all yourself, without a 'leg up'. As 'Elvis Presley' said, 'I could never be a poor boy, as long as I got a darling like you'. haha.

It's interesting to read this I am in my early 50's I spent most of my 30's and 40's chasing the nice car and big house thinking it would make me happier etc. I think happiness comes from spending on doing rather than having. As you get older you look back and realise that you want to have interests and money to do the things you love. So long as you home is tidy clean warm and big enough thats all you need. Stress of paying for these things is not good for you. I think real happiness comes from having less - find becoming minimalist on Facebook there's some really inspiring quotes. I have been gradually trying to get rid of everything I don't use - it takes time but Ive come to realise the simpler things are the happier I am. Less stuff to clean and tidy too. We are all conditioned through advertising unconsciously I have taken time to unsubscribe to loads of things - really frees up time too. I no longer have to spend most of my weekends keeping on top of a big garden, cleaning multiple bathrooms etc. Its liberating.

This is a great post and I totally agree. We all have far too much crap. And many of us live in houses that are much bigger than we really need and we spend huge amounts of money chasing bigger and “better” lifestyles. It doesn’t make you happy.

I hate this comparison is the thief of joy mentality

The op is allowed to feel how she feels, ffs

Well, yes, but it is a valid way of thinking yourself into a hole if you compare yourself to people who have more and feel shit, rather than compare yourself to people who have fuck all and feel grateful, or stay in your lane and feel grateful anyway and compare yourself to nobody. Depends how much you want to feel in control of your thoughts, and therefore your feelings I suppose.

It’s true comparison is the third all of joy, yet as humans we are unable not to do that.
I am certainly guilty of this.
What I will say is I’ve noticed it’s worse when I’m not feeling my happiest, so usually in my luteal phase or if something else is going on in my life that I’m not fully happy aboht.
What you don’t know is that the wealthy people don’t sit and think “we are richer than them hahaha”, they are actually worrying about their own issues. I know that when I’ve had a lot, I’ve always thought about other things and it’s never occurred to me to think others will be jealous of me.
Remember there are other ways to be rich in life, fitness, being slim and healthy, alcohol free, happy kids, family time together.
This isn’t the case for everyone but certainly the richer people in my life, the families never seem quite to ‘together’, whether that’s because the parents work more/harder, more time spent separately etc, but there really is no one who has it all. And focusing on money only would be a very narrow view of life.

the £300 a month for the NCT classes were way out of reach for us, as 'normal' working people, the SMP only mat leave didn't stretch to paying out that much when local church halls and community centres had things on for £3/£4 a week. That's where I found my people 9 years agio and am still friends with many of them now.

Only read a few pages but I would like to make you feel better OP. So we have good incomes - graduated even before tuition fees were invented; grew up in a different time. We have a 5 bedroomed 3 bathroomed home and an acre of land and I'm telling you that the gas and electric are EYE WATERING.

I would love a conveniently placed maisonette!!!

We have had a heat air pump fitted and solar panels, thanks to inheritance. But until our insulation is wrapped around the house (it's 1930's detached), really the bills are quite high still. Despite selling surplus to the grid.

I suppose I'm telling you that big houses are over-rated. And the insurance is high. If the roof goes, or we need a few new windows.... Honestly. A money pit.

I know I'm lucky, but I've always worked full time, even since having the children. Be careful what you wish for 😂

I used to work as a cleaner for people with huge houses and expensive cars. They seemed to be inheriting money every other month! They were all absolutely lovely to me but sometimes I felt like a beast of burden trudging around these huge properties cleaning lots of bathrooms. It was exhausting. I've stayed friends with a few and like the pp said the amount of money they have to spend on the upkeep and fuel bills is eye watering.
I live in a HA terrace and feel as if I won the lottery. So much insecurity around that sometimes you have to be realistic and think "Do I really have it so bad?"

I’m jealous! I’ve been up North (I live in the South West £££) staying in my friends’ lovely stone terrace which is small and perfectly proportioned. We’ve got a lovely but strangely proportioned house less than 20 years old with a bastard matching mortgage that is going to take us another 10 years to pay off. My friends have less than 2 years to go. I feel over the South West, lovely as it is and I want to live in North Yorkshire now as here seems like a rip off and not worth it.

Many people would be jealous that you own your own property regardless of the size.

If you want a maisonette sell your massive house and get one, then. Talk about a humble brag 😂Are your diamond shoes too tight also?