To be depressed that were the only ones with a tiny place

[AleaEim]

I am just dumbfounded these days as everyone around me seems to be able to effortlessly afford big houses and multiple holidays a year. Two years ago, dh and I went through blood, sweat and tears to buy our tiny maisonette, we knew it was small but it was close to a station that gets us to London easily and we knew we couldn’t afford to move out further and then have to pay for expensive trains. We used all our savings for this place and even needed a small loan from MIL (retirement savings) which we now pay pack monthly on top of a mortgage. I’m now on mat leave and have zero disposable income, we both struggle to buy treats or a takeaway for a nice break. If something needs to be done to the house we need to use our credit cards, we are trying to build up our savings for emergencies but it’s so hard. Yesterday we went to a new couple friends house (we know them from NCT), we thought they were quite normal/ working class people and expected them to be living like us. I was wrong, their place was huge, with a huge garden, there was so much space, they also have been away on lots of trips this year. This is the same for the rest of the NCT group, we live in a relatively working class area so none of us are super wealthy but everyone seems to be doing better than us. We can barely afford to run our car. I think I find it depressing because we worked so hard to get this place, we had no inheritance or gifted money, we were proud of our place until we started to see what our friends were buying. One of my non NCT friends was complaining about her small four bed house recently, she has a huge place with a big garden in zone 4 London, she earns less than me but married quite wealthy 🥹 it makes me sick and I don’t know how to just overcome this. I know we should be grateful but it’s hard. I’m just envious that others seem to have been dealt a better hand than us, neither of our parents owned property so there’s no generational wealth at all.

Sorry big rant but feeling quite low today and it affected my sleep. In the grand scheme of things I know we are lucky.

Some people here have been quick to agree with your implied assumption about the other people benefiting from generational wealth to buy their houses, but unless the people you know tell you how they got on the property ladder and how they’re maintaining their lifestyles (unlikely unless they’re super close to you) you just don’t know.

On my way to work earlier today, I walked down a road of gorgeous Victorian semi-detached four bedroom houses worth about £450k. I know I’ll never live in anything similar or close to it so I understand the envy.

You've afforded to buy a home in London, the size doesn't matter. That's not easy in itself. London has it's own property market, that isn't really comparable to other parts of the UK. If I moved from Dorset to London, I doubt I'd be able to afford a property. Dorset is expensive compared to other parts of the UK too. Don't compare yourself to others. You don't know their situation. Sometimes appearances can be deceptive, and not always how they seem on the outside. Your friends might be in debt up to their eyeballs, the cars might be leased rather than owed so they're paying a fortune per month for the privilege, they might hate their jobs but stay for the money!!! You are looking at materialistic assets. You on the other hand may not have those materialistic assets, but you are in a happy relationship, with a baby on the way - that counts for a lot.

OP there's a lot more to life than the size of your house, and comparing what you have (or don't have in this case) to what others have is just going to make you unhappy, resentful and discontented. The most important things are your family and your health. If those are good, then thank God, because they are what matters.

It is so hard, I hear you! Try not to compare and think about your own wins and aspirations. You now own your first place and that is a massive thing in this day and age! You are building up your equity, so a saving in itself, and in 2 years when you find a better paid job, you can look at moving somewhere that suits your family better. The 1st place we got was a tiny flat in a rubbish council block and it was so depressing. Had a baby and a dog and felt so cramped. A few years after we moved and hace somewhere we're much happier in (not huge, but so much better still). What I'd say as well is that we'd secured our mortgage on fixed years before the Liz Truss mini budget so our mortgage is still around 2%. I guess you had to have a really high interst 2 years ago, and maybe the ppl you are comparing with also have a "cheap" mortgage so could afford bigger houses? In any case, comparison is the thief of joy ❤️

I can understand your upset but not sure why in earth you thought NCT was working class?! It’s the most middle class thing going! Ours was farcically so - two people in publishing, two in TV, advertising, doctor - you get the drift 🤣🤣🤣.

I get it.

In short, DP and I have no inheritance, no parents able to chuck us £100k (or even a fiver- I'll have to pay for my parents funerals) everything we have is what we have saved/budgeted for and a 69sqm 3 bed terrace with a yard is the best we'll ever have even though we now have a household income of over £100k. Oh and we have a mortgage until we're 68.

I try and be grateful (I grew up on an awful council estate and now live in a naice area and I know some people cannot afford to buy) but it does suck sometimes when I have done everything right (uni etc) all by myself yet friends are in bigger houses/can afford better holidays/risk remotgaging to extend etc due to generational wealth and knowing that if the shit hits the fan mummy and daddy will bail them out.

OP- get some perspective.

You live in a safe country.
You own your own place
You have your health and
the means to work
You have a partnership
and a child!!!!

Honestly- stop comparing!

Do you also look at people who don't have any of the above and feel you are doing 'better'? I doubt you do. You are blessed in multiple ways- stop equating success with number of bedrooms and garden space.

It's like £300 a month for the course isn't it? So pretty self selecting.

You have achieved everything on your own merit. Be proud of that. You will eventually be able to afford more – or perhaps relocate in a more affordable part of the country. The housing market is truly screwed up and you can probably assume that a lot of your friends managed to buy their homes with the help of a family inheritance. I think it's amazing that anyone affords to buy anything in or around London.

We live in an area which is a mix of flats (blocks rather than maisonettes), small houses (mostly terraces the width of a car) and big houses. We have a small house. We also have a wonderful park and playground right in the middle of our area, and several others within walking distance.

From what I've observed (very unscientific, I know), it's mostly the kids from the flats and small houses who are taken out regularly to play in our local playground (because gardens are either tiny or non-existent). My sample size of two parents living in the 'big' houses has found that both have play equipment in their own garden, and they don't come to the playground a lot because it's 'boring' or they're 'too busy'. But I can't tell you how much fun all the kids have in the playground. They have space to run wild and socialize. It is so great for them and much better than if we were all stuck in our own back gardens, kids swinging on solitary swings. They have such a rich communal life. It's like a club with no membership fees 😂. "Oh will you be here next Saturday?" "Yes, in the afternoon, let's grab an ice-cream together if we see you."

I honestly can't say that we'd have valued that park so much if we'd lived in a big house with space for our own play equipment, and I can hand on heart say it's been one of the most formative aspects of my DC's childhoods so far. They've learnt to make friends easily, to share and take turns, to stretch themselves physically, to take risks, to be considerate of others especially smaller ones, to enjoy imaginary games with 'friends' made 5 minutes ago. They have whiled away the heatwave evenings this summer running, blowing bubbles and chalking under the trees there until it was cool enough for us all to go home and fall into bed.

You will find ways to give your DC a wonderful childhood no matter what size of home you live in.

Comparing only leads to one thing and it isn't contentment! You are not alone, I have friends who have two - three luxury holidays each year, all of which are paid for by their parents despite them all being middle aged with adult children! They've never paid for their own holidays. They've been to places I will never be able to afford to go to. House renovations, school fees and new cars were also paid for by their parents. Generational wealth fuels inequality but if you spoke to my friends, they would claim it's because they work hard 😂and others need to work harder. I often wonder whether deep inside they believe that or not.

Everyone envies what they haven’t got and it’s toxic. Focus on yourself. For what it’s worth I’ve got a 3/4 bed house (not using one as a bedroom) with a big garden. I’m on my 3rd IVF transfer and I’d swap you to be on mat leave with a smaller house and no money in a heartbeat.

@AleaEim- sorry, I criticised you thinking you’d find working class people at NCT and then didn’t give any further advice.

you need to find your tribe. This one isn’t one you feel comfortable in.

Look for Mum and baby groups at church halls (usually only charge a small amount to cover a hot drink, our nearest is £1, some are completely free). If you can find 2 or 3 to try, go along and see who you meet. Your library might do a baby and toddler singing session, these are usually free. (Tip for this - borrow a book at the end, it will force you to go back the following week to return and when councils are deciding which libraries to close, they look at borrowing frequencies. Even if you don’t read it, borrow a book, when your dc is primary age you are going to be glad of a library to walk to as a rainy half term activity.)

The groups that are free or very cheap are more likely to have families closer to your own situation. They are also more likely to be sending their dcs to the same schools, not using private. Go to as many as you can.

I wouldn't thank you for a large house. I love having a small easy to maintain property and garden as I have better things to do with my time.
My closest friend lives in a huge detached property and whilst I do envy her amazing garden realistically I don't have the time for that, nor do I want to spend my life cleaning. Not to mention the huge running costs.
Plus generally the more space you have the more you fill it with crap you don't need. Look at the positives OP 😊

Some people benefit from generational wealth others don't. It's a fact of life. I didn't.

I think my parents thought they would be leaving some. A series of poor decisions, poor health and now care home fees, means there won't be a lot left and that is going direct to DGCs. It won't be a lot especially once split amongst half a dozen DGCs.

I never banked on it. What I have now is from my own efforts. One of my DBs was banking on it. He coasted through his career, never really put a lot of effort in. Retired early on the assumption there would be a nice little nest egg to come. He now struggles to make ends meet.

My father died when I was 27 and he left me a sum of money so I bought a 2 bed maisonette in zone 2. People said I was lucky to have such a lovely big place. I said I would have preferred to still have my dad. You do not know the individual circumstances of anyone's house purchase or what is going on in their lives, so do not compare yourself to them.

It happens. But like you said you were happy before comparison.

my daughter started a different school last year, she’s 8. We moved to a smallish village next to the town we used to live in. 10 mins away,

after being homeless, living in a b&b then in a 1 room bedsit for 10 months, we now live in a 2 bed end terrace house, through a housing association. It’s small. But I love it. It’s my stability.

she got invited to a birthday party, the house was a huge 4 bed detached and on speaking to the mum, she’s a multimillionaire who owns 19 properties, that she rents out.

talk about a different life. But it hasn’t made me unhappier about my life or home. Yeah it’s hard sometimes and we struggle, can’t afford holidays abroad that sort of thing but I’m happy, have kids and DP who are happy and healthy. This is my life, and we’ll do the best we can to make it great.

I think the old saying "comparison is the thief of joy" is a good one. I distanced myself from school friends who were earning many times more my salary years ago; they had a different lifestyle to me and I felt as though I was looked down on. I'm much happier with friends who have a similar life to mine. And I am genuinely thankful for our house that we now own and that we are securely housed, I work with and DD is at school with families who are vulnerably housed and that uncertainty is very hard. You've done amazingly to buy in London OP. What children need is love and a stable family life with time from their parent, that's more important than a big house.

OP I completely feel you
Its generational wealth 100%

I scrimped and saved for years for a one bedroom flat whilst others were affording huge houses apparently on the same wage as me - multiple holidays, huge cars. Me driving my VW Up!

its just the luck you are born into!

Comparison is the thief of joy!

If you have your health, a roof over your head and food on your table you are rich!

I can see why you are fed up OP. But seriously, you and your DH have done so well. Don't compare yourselves to others because what you have done is achieve your property purchase, completely on your own with DH.

For perspective, I live in a large ( ish) property with my DP and son ( DD is at university) The garden is rambling and needs constant maintenance. The property needs decorating and we have some repairs to make. I have cancer and currently can’t work. Myself and DP spend a huge amount of time at the hospital. We pay someone to help with the garden and I’m looking for a cleaner and a decorator.

My dream would be to live in a small property with little to no garden, probably something like your property.

Also you have your health. I would live in a shed, to be cancer free, I really would. That isn’t to make you feel bad or ungrateful, but honestly, health is wealth.

A liquidator friend tells me that many outwardly well off people are only a few months away from losing everything. By which he means, if their income stopped, they have so much credit they would slip into bankruptcy quickly.

Side note:- he is one of the most calm, reassuring and lovely people to speak to. I guess when you deal with so many in their darkest (financial) days you develop a really good way with people.

But to echo a previous poster, while I have never been seriously ill, I have worked as a nurse both in oncology and respiratory. Health is really, truly, wealth.