To be depressed that were the only ones with a tiny place

[AleaEim]

I am just dumbfounded these days as everyone around me seems to be able to effortlessly afford big houses and multiple holidays a year. Two years ago, dh and I went through blood, sweat and tears to buy our tiny maisonette, we knew it was small but it was close to a station that gets us to London easily and we knew we couldn’t afford to move out further and then have to pay for expensive trains. We used all our savings for this place and even needed a small loan from MIL (retirement savings) which we now pay pack monthly on top of a mortgage. I’m now on mat leave and have zero disposable income, we both struggle to buy treats or a takeaway for a nice break. If something needs to be done to the house we need to use our credit cards, we are trying to build up our savings for emergencies but it’s so hard. Yesterday we went to a new couple friends house (we know them from NCT), we thought they were quite normal/ working class people and expected them to be living like us. I was wrong, their place was huge, with a huge garden, there was so much space, they also have been away on lots of trips this year. This is the same for the rest of the NCT group, we live in a relatively working class area so none of us are super wealthy but everyone seems to be doing better than us. We can barely afford to run our car. I think I find it depressing because we worked so hard to get this place, we had no inheritance or gifted money, we were proud of our place until we started to see what our friends were buying. One of my non NCT friends was complaining about her small four bed house recently, she has a huge place with a big garden in zone 4 London, she earns less than me but married quite wealthy 🥹 it makes me sick and I don’t know how to just overcome this. I know we should be grateful but it’s hard. I’m just envious that others seem to have been dealt a better hand than us, neither of our parents owned property so there’s no generational wealth at all.

Sorry big rant but feeling quite low today and it affected my sleep. In the grand scheme of things I know we are lucky.

Yeah I thought that stealth boast post yesterday about the detached house with the EYE WATERING energy bills was awful - MN at its worst.

OP, we had a tiny London flat (which I adored, despite its darkness, smallness and position next to a halfway house) of which, when DH’s well-heeled book group came over, one of them asked if she could ‘see the upstairs’, because she couldn’t grasp that what she could see was all there was! She (18thc house in Chiswick) genuinely thought there was a concealed staircase behind panelling somewhere!

The other thing I remember about our London days was that some people with perfectly ordinary jobs suddenly became stonkingly wealthy when their parents died or downsized, freeing up money from houses their parents had bought for very ordinary money decades ago, but which were now worth huge sums.

DH and I met young, so that gave us a head start over others our age. We bought an absolute old shit hole of a house in an undesirable area and did all the renovations ourselves, bit by bit. We lived very cheaply compared to our friends. Still have never owned and iPhone to this day for example.
We sold the house and that money allowed us to afford our nicer house in a nicer area. No hand outs. My point is it took more than a couple of years to get where we are now.

I was always taught 'Never look up always look down' to make you appreciate what you have. You are rich believe me.

Im a big believer in staying in your own lane and happiness being most important thing. There are alot of very rich people who are in miserable relationships. There are alot of people with huge mortgages and holidays on credit cards up to there eyeballs in debt and struggling. A big house and a flash car or an Instagram holiday aren't signs of really happiness

Don't be pathetic.

OP is talking about friends in much bigger houses and taking that as a sign of their wealth. The reality is that bigger houses take thousands to heat each year. Her NCT friends' disposable income will be decimated by their energy bills.

Everyone's story is different. I cannot move because it's a multi generational home and I'm stuck paying high bills without the freedom to downsize. But the sentiment is, bigger home = less disposable income.

You sound incredibly bitter. You should know that diamond studded shoes are associated with oligarchs with armies of staff and not someone concerned with heating bills. Or maybe you are financially naive as well as bitter.

As an aside, I thought most people on Mumsnet earned household incomes of upwards of £150,000 and worried about school fees 🤷🏽 not commenting on their bills. I personally don't take those threads as stealth boasts. It's just life. People are different.

I don't think I'm the bitter one based that nearly incoherent rant from yourself @Askingforadvice78 😂

Then re-frame your thinking because thinking the worst of everyone, or everything, will affect your outlook throughout life.

Or read more insightfully. OP has not told her feelings to her friends about her understandable envy. We've all been there, because someone is always better off, or more beautiful, or more intelligent, or more productive in business, with more numerous holidays, than you.

So I come along and give the voice of those friends who have detached houses (hardly a stealth boast, frankly, as loads of people live in them) and comment on the cost. Which affects our disposable income. Which means fewer holidays.

I'm at a stage of life where I would say it's virtually impossible for me to earn more without significant compromises to my family life and wellbeing. OP has potential. Give it 15 years and she'll be where I am, and with any luck I'll be where she is! (Minus the baby.)

Life takes time and there's downsides in all stages.

Be nice. You'll feel better for it.

Hardly. I'm guessing you don't know what an oligarch is in that case. 😂

This 'conversation' is over.

Ok. Good.

@Askingforadvice78 Your post was awful because of your stealth boast (inappropriate anyway, but particularly for this thread about someone struggling) and also for your lack of empathy. OP is on maternity leave, she and her husband struggled to buy their home (at a time when it was much less affordable to buy than when you did), are paying back his mum onto of their mortgage payments and money is tight. It will be a long time before they move into a bigger home. I completely understand, as do some others, that OP feels frustrated or down living in a tiny maisonette with only a tiny bit of disposable money coming in.

So in the context of this thread, nobody gives a shit about your sky high energy bills. We didn't need to know this.

I always find this to be a weird argument as plenty of people lose their parents and inherit nothing. They would also like them back.

The argument is that people say you’re lucky to have inherited, seemingly forgetting that the reason you’ve inherited is because your relative is dead. I’ve had this from BIL a lot, but never mind that my dad dropped down dead unexpectedly when I was 30, eh? Never got to meet his son-in-law, let alone his grandchildren.

Having BIL say that for years while both his parents lived to a considerably more ripe old age was pretty grating.

Exactly. We will have no inheritance when our parents die. They don’t own

We are same we are in a maisonette and no chance of moving, first time buyers. Hear the neighbours on all sides that is what makes it miserable. Wish we hadn't of bought the place and stayed renting but fed up with shitty landlords wanting to sell up.

We can all see people more wealthy with bigger houses, expensive cars, bigger yachts etc. Envy really is destructive and not a great trait.

Envy has nothing at all to do with generational wealth but everything to do with wanting what other people have, however that has been gained.

Yep, noise is often a huge factor in flats and maisonettes. You feel trapped because you’re in a small space, you can’t afford to sell up and buy a house, and the noise adds to that feeling. I’ve lived in various types of housing over 50 years and my wellbeing has always been better when I’ve lived in houses.

Our neighbours are all lovely so we’re lucky in that sense, rented a house before and had nightmare neighbours and that was in a very nice part of london. I guess it all depends. The best place I ever lived was a new build apartment block, easy to clean, great sound proofing, surprisingly lovely neighbours and community feel. I miss renting in some ways, less stress with some things, less diy to be done etc.

I wonder if it’s making you feel like this because these are new friends - you didn’t know them before you all bought houses and made friendships regardless of wealth etc. And you’ve only just met these guys and so perhaps don’t have full confidence in the friendships yet, so maybe feel more sensitive. And having a young baby and NCT can all feel quite competitive and everything can make you feel a bit shit. So perhaps you’re more sensitive to it at the moment.

I’d say that counting your blessings really helps. Re property so many people can’t afford to buy, so you’ve done really well as bs achieved it all yourselves. And you have the most important things - a relationship, a child, you’re prepping for a future career. Things look really good for you. Lots would be extremely envious of multiple features of your life.

Being on MAT leave is financially tough for most people. The years of childcare costs are hard for most. You’ve done well to buy before having kids. Remember those with the big 4 bed houses in outer London really aren’t the norm.

Yes, enjoy your new friends. Your big thing in common of having babies at the same time can take you a long way. But keep your old friends too who perhaps are less fortunate than the NCT gang in terms of gifted money. And as someone else said, take a walk around other areas of town and remember your own privilege. It really helps get perspective.

Comparison is the thief of joy!

OP is it doesn’t read like you made buying property a priority until you were starting a family. You went to uni in your 30s at the point many couples are prioritising buying property (I assume that meant you earned very little while you were studying) and then you continued with study.

I know this reads as a criticism - but it does read to me like you think your NCT friends all got lucky or it came easy for them, you haven’t known them long enough to know if they made decisions in their 20s that made their lives then less fun or took jobs that were less interesting/fulfilling, if they turned down opportunities to travel or study etc, all to prioritise being in the situation they are in now in their 30s.

I assume you’re doing this additional qualifications to have a much better paid job in 5-10 years time, if so you could easily be in a much better position than some of them by the time your dcs are all at secondary school. This is just a snapshot of your life and career right now compared to a snapshot of other peoples, but you know you aren’t at your peak earning stage.

I have lived in small properties

Good things

Small bills
Easier to clean & maintain
Easier to lock up & go on holiday

You're hanging out with people who started out in life with more wealth and connections than you - that's all. You would probably be the envy of people from your own background - maybe widen your circle of friends.

Well you've basically explained why you are in a smaller house. You didn't go to Uni till 30, prior to that you rented and now you are still in education and have a baby so presumably your earning capacity is severely limited and you live in the most expensive part of the country. It's nothing to do with generational wealth and everything to do with when life events have happened for you (whether that's through choice and planning or just luck).

I went straight to Uni from school then did a PGCE immediately afterwards and then began teaching. By 25 we had brought our first house. By 30 we had both worked for 9 years and were on our second house having renovated our first tiny 2 up 2 down in our spare time and had a baby on the way. By 33 we had a second baby and had finished hour number 2 and moved on to house number 3 which was an ugly 3 bed semi with a garden and a driveway and it was in a village so cheaper and meant I could work part time. We had 12 happy years in it. Now the kids are teens, I am working ft earning more and we've sold up and bought a massive house and upped our mortgage significantly. Your circumstances can change dramatically but right now you need to accept your choice to study for so long and to live in London are likely why you are stuck in the small house.

I would suggest a different friend group.
Jealousy is toxic, and will ruin your life if you let it.
Most people have no generational wealth- I ordered a copy of my grandmother's will and they send you the log entry so you get to see 50 ish people who died at the same time and how much they left, she died in 1980 and on her page she was the only one who left more than £500,she left £25,000-not a life changing sum in 1980 my Dad was her sole beneficiary and has passed on nothing.
Your situation represents the vast majority of people in this country, and you have done well to buy a property- be thankful you could, those coming on later will probably never be able to.