Not on the same page with my friends over “broke” and feel so ashamed

[Stupidlifechoices]

I am a single mum to 2 dc’s-one is 20 and one is 6. I have £1350 in total coming in a month and cannot pick up any more hours due to childcare (her father doesn’t really see her and school don’t run an after school club, and is too rural for childminders). I am claiming everything I am entitled to. I get £7.50 a month in child support.

Outgoings are:

Rent - £700
Phones - £120 (me and my daughter-they were both £35 each when I took the contracts out as we both needed handsets but they keep putting the tariffs up and we have 7 months remaining on 36 month contracts).
Broadband and phone line - £45
TV license - £28.25
Car insurance and AA - £120
Fuel £150
Gas and Electric £180
Council Tax £75

So just in bills I am already in arrears each month. There is nothing left for clothes or food, let alone days out and extras.

My eldest has started paying her own phone bill as of last month, as she has got a part time job around uni, but that only buys us another £60.

My other broke friends manage to dress well, look nice and go away for holidays and days out. Two of them have been on three holidays this summer-one to Tunisia, Jersey and then on a Disney cruise. Another did Disneyland and two weeks in the Cotswolds, followed by a week in Cornwall. One of them openly admits her parents pay for her children’s nursery fees, and the in laws bought their house for them so they wouldn’t have the stress of a mortgage. I feel like I am living in some shameful underbelly of poverty.

I feel like such an incredible failure, both to my children and to me. We are in the cheapest house I could find, I have nothing to sell on Vinted or eBay as we have been this broke for years. My daughter was very ill when she was born until she was 4 and so I stopped working, but was too young to qualify for DLA as the things I needed to do for her were appropriate for her age. She is now at school so I am doing a degree and am currently on a first, but it is part time so I won’t graduate for another 2 years.

I know we could move house to somewhere less rural, meaning that I could put her in after school club, but the rent would increase, as would childcare costs, and I don’t physically have the money to move house.

I make my own bread, yoghurt, pasta, pasta sauces, shampoo, deodorant, soap, washing powder, washing up liquid, surface cleaners and body wash to save money, and we eat very simply-pasta, fruit, porridge, toast and soup are the main go-to’s, but I feel like it barely touches the sides. I just hate myself for doing this to my family.

Is she? Choosing to study rather than work?

My 20 year old doesn’t live with us as of July-she has moved into a shared house with friends, so asking her to contribute would be unfair as she is already paying rent and bills. She used to buy the treat food when she was here-the ice cream, chocolate, crisps, diluted juice etc as she knew I couldn’t, even though she was only on a student loan at the time. She also buys us lovely things for birthdays and Christmas, and takes me out for a coffee when we see each other. She is a really kind young lady.

You need to be working full time. Now isn’t the time to be studying at college.

You know I think a lot of people say they're skint or broke when they're not. They don't mean it .they just think it's more socially acceptable than saying to someone struggling "oh I'm doing fine for money". Take it with a pinch of salt. I remember when I was genuinely skint I went to a restaurant with friends..I had tap water and a cheap main course...less than £10. My friend told me she was also skint but had three courses, wine and a brandy.

By the way, is it actually cheaper to make your own bread and pasta?

120 a month for phones is shocking. If you’ve been like this foe 6 years why did you take these out 2 or so years ago. I’m sorry but you need to get a job, pick up more cleaning hours.

Cancel the tv licence. Those mobile phone bills are awful, If you can't get out of the contracts, then cancel as soon as you can. At least there is a max of 7 months more. Keep the existing handsets and get a sim only deal (about £5 a month each).

Do you have access to garden space? Low effort fruit/veg might help (runner beans. courgettes, squash, raspberry canes). Pick blackberries and see if there is any free tree fruit locally. It takes a bit of time, but can fit in around the rest of life.

Hopefully DD2 gets FSM?

If you have internet access at home try the £10 a day threads on here for a bit of extra cash.

Is your car insurance really £120pm? That sounds awfully high (as well as the high phones and TV license).

You are paying over the odds for everything really, whilst having a v low income so it's no wonder you are struggling.

Ha ha.

Um she is skint, did you read the op. She’s unemployed and skint basically

You aren’t useless, you’re single handedly raising a family with no support.

are the ingredients for the home made cosmetics cheap? I found it better to do without. A bar of soap is peanuts an adequate for everything bar hair. Hair I’m a bit of geek about - depends what you are using.

I do think you need to talk to the 20yr old about options. If she can save you childcare, it may be cheaper to pay her instead of her job.

Can you use all the time you spend making bread yoghurt and pasta to work a bit more?

Sounds like you need to put studying on hold. It’s a shame you didn’t study before your daughter went to school - you could have got it out the way then and been finished in time for her to start school.

is your 20 year old studying? Seems abit unreasonable she’s only just got a part time job at 20, and only just started paying her own phone. She needs to pay board and a share of the bills. My son is 15 and has a part time job and pays his own phone.

Can you rent her room out wheb she leaves for her house share?

How many beds is the place you’re renting for what is now 2 people?

This isn’t ok. The 20 year old needs to work and live, not raise her sister,

I have no idea why you responded that way to what I posted?

Or the father is?

It takes a bit of time, but can fit in around the rest of life. op doesn't have time. She's making stuff from scratch, studying and looking after her child

You need to work OP, that’s the bottom line. You can’t make money unless you work.

What’s your degree in? Can you see it leading to a job that makes it worthwhile? Are you doing well in it? If so keep doing it.

Are you getting enough to survive for the next two years? Know you are comparing your life to your friends but if you stop doing that are you getting by?

Can you give more detail about the phone contracts? I don’t think it’s right that you can be locked into £120 a month, especially if they were only £35 when you took them out. As much detail as possible, perhaps we can help. I am a lawyer so can look at the Ts and Cs.

I think ComedyCook is suggesting the friends are not as skint as they make out.

My cleaner is £20/hr, brings own kit and has a waiting list. 4hrs a day 5 days a week would double your income (before tax). Get an accountant to offset some of your car costs against the business etc. This would fit into school hours.

You're overpaying for phones.

Your friends aren't skint if they're going on Disney cruises.