Not on the same page with my friends over “broke” and feel so ashamed

[Stupidlifechoices]

I am a single mum to 2 dc’s-one is 20 and one is 6. I have £1350 in total coming in a month and cannot pick up any more hours due to childcare (her father doesn’t really see her and school don’t run an after school club, and is too rural for childminders). I am claiming everything I am entitled to. I get £7.50 a month in child support.

Outgoings are:

Rent - £700
Phones - £120 (me and my daughter-they were both £35 each when I took the contracts out as we both needed handsets but they keep putting the tariffs up and we have 7 months remaining on 36 month contracts).
Broadband and phone line - £45
TV license - £28.25
Car insurance and AA - £120
Fuel £150
Gas and Electric £180
Council Tax £75

So just in bills I am already in arrears each month. There is nothing left for clothes or food, let alone days out and extras.

My eldest has started paying her own phone bill as of last month, as she has got a part time job around uni, but that only buys us another £60.

My other broke friends manage to dress well, look nice and go away for holidays and days out. Two of them have been on three holidays this summer-one to Tunisia, Jersey and then on a Disney cruise. Another did Disneyland and two weeks in the Cotswolds, followed by a week in Cornwall. One of them openly admits her parents pay for her children’s nursery fees, and the in laws bought their house for them so they wouldn’t have the stress of a mortgage. I feel like I am living in some shameful underbelly of poverty.

I feel like such an incredible failure, both to my children and to me. We are in the cheapest house I could find, I have nothing to sell on Vinted or eBay as we have been this broke for years. My daughter was very ill when she was born until she was 4 and so I stopped working, but was too young to qualify for DLA as the things I needed to do for her were appropriate for her age. She is now at school so I am doing a degree and am currently on a first, but it is part time so I won’t graduate for another 2 years.

I know we could move house to somewhere less rural, meaning that I could put her in after school club, but the rent would increase, as would childcare costs, and I don’t physically have the money to move house.

I make my own bread, yoghurt, pasta, pasta sauces, shampoo, deodorant, soap, washing powder, washing up liquid, surface cleaners and body wash to save money, and we eat very simply-pasta, fruit, porridge, toast and soup are the main go-to’s, but I feel like it barely touches the sides. I just hate myself for doing this to my family.

How is she going to get a job longer term that pays well enough to do all of this on her own?

Sorry but I think that's harsh. She's trying to better herself and her job prospects for her family. That's not something to shame her for.

If anyone deserves some blame here it's the father of her youngest who is clearly not contributing enough.

OP, if your degree is only part time, can you up to full time since your not working many hours? If your employment prospects are good, I would focus on cracking on with your degree, live frugally, let arrears build up if necessary. Doing a part time degree, with 2 years left I'm assuming you've been at it a while, would be madness to quit now. Short term pain!

Edited due to misread.

I haven't shamed her. Where have I shamed her? What she is doing is admirable. She's cramming way more into her days than a lot of people. She has no support. And she's also cooking from scratch on top of that!

You can’t go on like this. You will have to work. I’m sorry you are suffering.

And all these people saying ‘just work more hours’ haven’t suggested what work she can do from home or what childcare she can access as she has said the school don’t do wraparound care and she is too rural for a childminder.

Shes doing an hour a day. I think she should see I her current employer would be interested in her doing 2 hours

Well she can’t afford to not work and go to college right now.

Thats the facts.

Have you considered looking for a job at a school? Admin office job, suits children's hours, could consider moving your child to that school if possible, and whilst the pay isn't amazing it's definitely going to go a much longer way than your current pay does. If you don't have experience in the background I'd recommend reading school policies on their website, governor meeting notes should be available too, and maybe watch some Youtube videos on school software systems like Arbor, Bromcom and SIMS?

I have seen that, but finding work for school hours is really bloody hard because it’s rare plus everyone wants it.

Obviously if she can work for hours for her employer then that would be handy.

You’re doing amazingly well. You’re keeping a household afloat on your own, are seeing one child into and through university, studying part time to a really high grade whilst caring for a primary school age child and you have managed to support your 6yo through her additional needs. I am really impressed. I know the disposable in comparison to your mates can be disheartening, they say happiest people are the ones with the most expensive house on the street but you could have exactly the same one on a different street and feel awful cos it’s the worst one! Just wanted to say from another MNetter, I’m seriously impressed by your tenacity and high achievements. Especially since you would have gone through a pandemic pregnancy and a child doing GCSEs.

In a very short while you will have a qualification, an adult child with a graduate job, and an 8yo who will be a little more independent. It’s hard not to compare self, but a lot of dual income professional families incur debt (could be interest free credit card) through the early childcare years when fees are £1000s each month, knowing they’ll deal with it after. Your end result isn’t necessarily worse.

https://www.charityjob.co.uk/jobs?keywords=Admin&workplace=remote

Lots of remote admin jobs here, apply to as many as you can and up your cleaning hours in the mean time. In the run up to Christmas, people will be booking in deep cleans so advertise now for this.

You are honestly an amazing woman. You are working when you can, studying and also making healthy foods and products for your children. Wow. You are doing a far better job than many x

My phone is from 2017. Its battered and falling apart but pay £2 a month line rental with lebara. Phone contracts are an utter utter rip off.

My TV licence is half that? As is my gas and elec so could you get those down?

Don't defer your Uni! It's very hard to get back into studying when you take time out!

Firstly, stop comparing to other friends.

Could your daughter do more childcare for you?

Phones - When contract finishes go to SIM only - Tesco £12 per month, Smarty of Giff Gaff cheaper but not great signal IMO
Broadband and phone line - Talktalk is £27 a month
TV license - How is this so expensive? Its £170 / 12 months is less than £15
Car insurance and AA - £120
Fuel £150
Gas and Electric - can you shop around?
Council Tax £75 - nothing you can do

Well she has no money for food so college is a luxury.

how did you pay for the course ?

You don't need a degree - entry level jobs with the local council pay about £20k and you can work up for example. Mine was utterly pointless and I wish I'd just joined the civil service and done it later and part time.
If you have a kid you lose the luxury of choices as you should be funding them. And yes I was divorced and left with a baby at 24 and had to work. That's the reality, it's the woman left holding the baby 9/10.
I don't have any sympathy for someone working at most seven hours a week and wondering why they are broke.
What phone contract increases and doubles - it's set at the start. And the tv licence ?

I assume you are paying off the handsets on your mobile bill, which is a terrible way to buy a phone and costing you way more over the 3 years. In future, only get a reconditioned older model phone that you can buy outright. I know that doesn’t help you now, sorry xx

Yes and those women are also struggling. It's not a race to the bottom.

A television licence is £ 14 a month isn't it?

How much was the course you are on? How are you funding that?

Yeah it's tough.

What part of the op makes you think the op is not struggling?