Not on the same page with my friends over “broke” and feel so ashamed

[Stupidlifechoices]

I am a single mum to 2 dc’s-one is 20 and one is 6. I have £1350 in total coming in a month and cannot pick up any more hours due to childcare (her father doesn’t really see her and school don’t run an after school club, and is too rural for childminders). I am claiming everything I am entitled to. I get £7.50 a month in child support.

Outgoings are:

Rent - £700
Phones - £120 (me and my daughter-they were both £35 each when I took the contracts out as we both needed handsets but they keep putting the tariffs up and we have 7 months remaining on 36 month contracts).
Broadband and phone line - £45
TV license - £28.25
Car insurance and AA - £120
Fuel £150
Gas and Electric £180
Council Tax £75

So just in bills I am already in arrears each month. There is nothing left for clothes or food, let alone days out and extras.

My eldest has started paying her own phone bill as of last month, as she has got a part time job around uni, but that only buys us another £60.

My other broke friends manage to dress well, look nice and go away for holidays and days out. Two of them have been on three holidays this summer-one to Tunisia, Jersey and then on a Disney cruise. Another did Disneyland and two weeks in the Cotswolds, followed by a week in Cornwall. One of them openly admits her parents pay for her children’s nursery fees, and the in laws bought their house for them so they wouldn’t have the stress of a mortgage. I feel like I am living in some shameful underbelly of poverty.

I feel like such an incredible failure, both to my children and to me. We are in the cheapest house I could find, I have nothing to sell on Vinted or eBay as we have been this broke for years. My daughter was very ill when she was born until she was 4 and so I stopped working, but was too young to qualify for DLA as the things I needed to do for her were appropriate for her age. She is now at school so I am doing a degree and am currently on a first, but it is part time so I won’t graduate for another 2 years.

I know we could move house to somewhere less rural, meaning that I could put her in after school club, but the rent would increase, as would childcare costs, and I don’t physically have the money to move house.

I make my own bread, yoghurt, pasta, pasta sauces, shampoo, deodorant, soap, washing powder, washing up liquid, surface cleaners and body wash to save money, and we eat very simply-pasta, fruit, porridge, toast and soup are the main go-to’s, but I feel like it barely touches the sides. I just hate myself for doing this to my family.

Also speak to your energy supplier, they all have various hardship funds you can apply for. They'll ask you to fill out and income and expenditure form so add in amounts for clothes etc on that. It's worth asking!

In what world is it okay to suggest that a 20 year old, who is just starting out in their career, give up work to care for her sister?

OP states she "cannot pick up any more hours due to childcare", then goes on to say she is studying for a part time degree and only working 1 hour a day.

So she can pick up more hours if she put the studying in hold, which is the answer here. It sucks that the father isn't around the help, but asking the 20 year old to step in is not fair.

Do you really need the broadband/landline? Can you hotspot off your phone?

So you work for 5 hours a week and get £1350 a month handed to you?

I only earn £1200 a month and I am working. Self employed around my children as I also live rurally and have no childcare options.

Sounds like a good deal to me.

Sorry. Sounds unsympathetic, but if you want more money, get a job.

Your phones are ridiculous. There have always been basic handsets for £20 and then PAYG Sim cards. You've been living beyond your means for a while it seems as you even said 'We've been broke for years'

Your phone bills are too high. Go on MSE and you could reduce all your outgoings by 100s of pounds!

1. Your friends aren't broke- stop comparing.
2. Your ex pays £7.50 a month- that's pitiful.
3. You can't afford to study if you're falling into arrears each month- defer.

@Katrinawaves CAB can say what they like. Most LLs would say no as it would
affect their own mortgage and insurance. All rental contracts I’ve ever had explicitly forbid sub-letting, I would think most do.

Can your 20 year old help with childcare whilst you work evenings or a couple of nights a week or something?

That very much depends on what the degree is in.

@winterwarmer8274 unless she’s in a part time job that will contribute to her studies/career, then it’s better to earn and help the family at the same time.

All of those bills seem really high to me except for the council tax which is cheap!

You would have done better to buy a cheapish mobile and paid £10 a month for it, your gas and electric is high for you and one child at home.

Broadband is too much, you can definitely get that cheaper.

Your Car insurance is unbelievably high, what car do you drive? For comparison my car costs £400 a year** to insure and fuel is £40 a month. It's a Hyundai i10 and a very reliable, economical car.

Are you on the waiting list for a council place? That would be worth doing as you'll save £££ on rent.

@Stupidlifechoices you need to work more than an hour a day. Really I know it probably feels overwhelming and of course studying is a good goal, but you can't afford to study. I'd love to re-train but I need to work FT to support my family, it's that simple.

What is your degree in? There are some degrees that lead to prompt employment due to shortages. All friends who have re-trained as nurses walked right into FT work.

@Stupidlifechoices , honestly if most people here worked so little hours they'd be in your shoes or worse too...

Your friends aren't broke, but you are. It's time to make some major changes. You need to at least work school hours, only study if it isn't costing you anything and you can do it outside of school hours. Rent out a bedroom, get rid of the expensive extras related to phones as soon as you can. You may be worse off making some of your own things. I get it, it feels important to people but if purchasing those things (budget brands) saves you a tenner a month, you need that tenner in your situation.

My honest feeling is studying right now is a luxury you can't afford if it takes you away from working a full time (or as near to FT as possible) job. If you can combine both and it's a degree that leads to a role that pays well and is in demand, then that's wonderful AND you still need to work more.

You are not a failure, you are doing an amazing job and your kids will grow up valuing luxuries and with a strong work ethics. You can't possibly compare yourself to a friend whose inlaws pay for everything....she is clearly not a single parent raising two kids, one who is at Uni. I have a dh and even for us Uni will be a massive challenge when our kids get there.

I'm not sure why you describe your friends as 'broke' when they clearly aren't....is they their own assessment of their lives? In which case they are tone deaf twats, no one who has been on 3 foreign holidays is broke unless they've done it all on credit they can't afford...in which case they are irresponsible.

It sounds like you are frugal and sensible and it's not your fault, living costs are astronomical in the UK and incomes are pitiful.

Just to add to posters saying cleaning is a goldmine....I'd agree. I've tried to find a cleaner and they want £20 an hour in Devon, this is more than my hourly rate as an experienced teacher at the top of the pay scale (obviously I know I get pension, job security etc but it did surprise me a lot).

Sorry you are struggling atm could you do a few surveys ? I do a few and it’s a few euro boost every few months for not much time doing them.

Could you granny sit, cat sit, dog walk any little extras, put a note up in local shops available for cleaning, cat sitting etc.

Life is really about juggling for most of us now and it is tough, but you are doing a good job and if your friends were decent they would help you out a little, not big gestures maybe little snack treats every now and then.

Any of locals have fruit trees and want to offload them or bushes growing wild we have damson trees near us ( quite rural) like small plums make great snacks and jams.

Could you trade home made bread for hens eggs or something, maybe get two hens.

Try olio app too for free stuff.

She’s getting a significant amount of UC a month already. Or do you think the 5 hours work a week is generating the £1,300 income.

Is degree something that will immediately lead into work?

Lots of people would like to study rather than work but they don’t because they have bills to pay.

It should not be an option to claim thousands of pounds of public money to do it (possibly unless a shortage subject like nursing).

the entitlement is off the scale. And I would welcome a change in policy to force your ex to pay for his child - seizing assets, removal of driver’s licence until paid, that sort of thing.

Your car insurance is high? Mine including breakdown £55 per month or is that for two cars? If so then your daughter needs to pay for her own car

Working part time I can see why you wouldn't have much spare income so you need to address that - can't you pay your eldest babysitting month for your youngest to enable you work more?

Maybe not instantly but going forward there are a few cuts you definitely can make.

Phones - make sure you give your notice to cancel (might be 3 months) then get a sim only deal, keeping current handsets. We pay £16 a month for unlimited data, calls and texts. Saving £104
TV license - £28.25. Should only be half that - you need to check but in your position I would cancel. Saving £28
Car insurance and AA - £120 - this can't possibly be right - you need to review this asap? Likely saving is £60?
So there's nearly £200 a month already.
Everything you are making yourself is admirable but more than likely you would save a whack if money going to B&M/Savers/Pound land etc

You don't know that do you?

Uc wasn't mentioned at all in the original post. I missed the bit about her being a student.

And I would welcome a change in policy to force your ex to pay for his child - seizing assets, removal of driver’s licence until paid, that sort of thing

This is such a pointless thing to say. The op can't change government policy and her ex may well have no assets.

The phone tariff is very high and once you've signed a contract it should be fixed, it doesn't keep going up? Look into that.
You are using a tank of fuel a week but only working 1 hour. Can you cut back on mileage?
Agree you need more working hours whether cleaning or something else.
The studying sounds great. Is it going to put you on a career path? Does the university offer hardship grants?

If op's ex is paying just £7.50 a week then I believe that is the maximum amount that can be taken when someone is on benefits themselves, so that's likely his situation.