Not on the same page with my friends over “broke” and feel so ashamed

[Stupidlifechoices]

I am a single mum to 2 dc’s-one is 20 and one is 6. I have £1350 in total coming in a month and cannot pick up any more hours due to childcare (her father doesn’t really see her and school don’t run an after school club, and is too rural for childminders). I am claiming everything I am entitled to. I get £7.50 a month in child support.

Outgoings are:

Rent - £700
Phones - £120 (me and my daughter-they were both £35 each when I took the contracts out as we both needed handsets but they keep putting the tariffs up and we have 7 months remaining on 36 month contracts).
Broadband and phone line - £45
TV license - £28.25
Car insurance and AA - £120
Fuel £150
Gas and Electric £180
Council Tax £75

So just in bills I am already in arrears each month. There is nothing left for clothes or food, let alone days out and extras.

My eldest has started paying her own phone bill as of last month, as she has got a part time job around uni, but that only buys us another £60.

My other broke friends manage to dress well, look nice and go away for holidays and days out. Two of them have been on three holidays this summer-one to Tunisia, Jersey and then on a Disney cruise. Another did Disneyland and two weeks in the Cotswolds, followed by a week in Cornwall. One of them openly admits her parents pay for her children’s nursery fees, and the in laws bought their house for them so they wouldn’t have the stress of a mortgage. I feel like I am living in some shameful underbelly of poverty.

I feel like such an incredible failure, both to my children and to me. We are in the cheapest house I could find, I have nothing to sell on Vinted or eBay as we have been this broke for years. My daughter was very ill when she was born until she was 4 and so I stopped working, but was too young to qualify for DLA as the things I needed to do for her were appropriate for her age. She is now at school so I am doing a degree and am currently on a first, but it is part time so I won’t graduate for another 2 years.

I know we could move house to somewhere less rural, meaning that I could put her in after school club, but the rent would increase, as would childcare costs, and I don’t physically have the money to move house.

I make my own bread, yoghurt, pasta, pasta sauces, shampoo, deodorant, soap, washing powder, washing up liquid, surface cleaners and body wash to save money, and we eat very simply-pasta, fruit, porridge, toast and soup are the main go-to’s, but I feel like it barely touches the sides. I just hate myself for doing this to my family.

DD1 has already moved out, but there wouldn’t be a non-dependant deduction even if DD1 lived with the OP because DD1 is 20.

You're not failing your family. Your ex is failing his family by not contributing a decent amount.

You’re wasting time and energy making all your own stuff, admirable though it is. 1 litre of cheap bubble bath from Avon will work as soap and shampoo. A big tub of coconut oil for conditioner and general moisturiser. 1kg of pasta in Tesco is about 30p, ditto for a jar of basic sauce.

You can’t carry on working one hour a day. Have you offered cleaning services to friends and neighbours? Phoned every business in the area to see if they need a proficient cleaner?

You’re broke because you’re barely earning anything. Never mind the reason behind your pitiful child maintenance, if that’s not going to increase, you need to work more hours.

Studying while barely surviving doesn't make sense

Working one hour aday when could be 4/5 and still be able to do school runs is madness

Cleaning companies /sains /macdonalds etx all advertise wanting staff usually

Area depending - ask on your local fb group for any work /cleaning etx

Making own pasta /bread /soap etx - time consuming and surely must cost more then buying it

WiFi - if on uc then can get cheap WiFi off Bt and others for around £12 a month

Why is petrol so much if working one hour a day. Where is the work ?

Why are gas and electric so much

Can eldest come over one night ans babysit sister in bed and you do a night in a bar /restaurant as waitress to earn extra mo eg

Hello everyone, I really didn’t expect so many replies. There has been some excellent advice on here, so thank you all massively.

i have looked into childminding as there would be huge demand for it at school (there is no wrap around care and no other childminders attend the school) but my tenancy doesn’t allow me to run a business from home, and the same goes for subletting. My eldest has now moved out, but I was sharing with my youngest until that point so it hasn’t really freed up a bedroom.

i have looked into making things and selling at craft markets if my daughter would be able to watch her sister, but now that she works weekends I’m not sure how viable that is.

The degree is part-time, but over 4 years, so I do 75% of the full time course-load. It is in computer science and I am on a solid first (85% in my first year, 90% in my second) so it will massively increase my earning potential and allow me to work from home for at least some of the time, which is why I went for it. Because it is part-time I am not entitled to student council tax, but I do get the single person discount. I am not entitled to a maintenance grant or to a childcare or parents grant, only tuition fees.

My car insurance is so high because I am on a disabled licence that gets renewed every year by writing to my GP and consultant, but I am not entitled to PIP. I have tried and have also been to tribunal but have been refused.

The child maintenance is so low because he is self employed and hides all his income, so despite buying a house a few months ago for £250 k the CSA calculation is £7.50. It is also on collect and pay because he won’t pay it otherwise.

I didn’t want to play the woe is me card but I am physically disabled, which does limit the type and amount of work I am able to do as I can’t stand for long periods of time, or do anything involving really fine hand motor skills (opening jars, pill packets, using tweezers, that kind of action).

Today I have looked into renting office space and doing remote office working, which could be viable, as a way of getting round not being able to work from home. Once I have dropped off at school for 9am the nearest office space is 30-45 mins away depending on traffic, so I could work from 9.45-2.15 if I didn’t take a lunch break. Even if I only worked three days a week and studied for two it would be an improvement.

Thank you all again for all your advice, I will re read this thread a few times and take everything on board.

All so much easier said than done. This is what the poverty trap looks like. All these work suggestions- how will OP manage in the holidays? If she works a few hours here and there, great, but she won't be able to keep much of it if she's on benefits.
Some great suggestions from posters upthread though. She needs to get what financial support that she can, cut costs where possible and then get herself into a position that she can get move/poss downsize and find work that means she can afford child care. It's really not that easy to find a job that works around single motherhood, unless there are decent and affordable childcare options.

I cross posted with your update @Stupidlifechoices 'Easier said than done was in response to posters telling you to just get a job'.
People have no clue how hard it is for other people in more difficult circumstances. Wishing you the very best with your plan of action!

Computer science...you must be incredibly smart op....good for you. I'm sure it will all be worth it

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service
Make a claim for child maintenance through the government agency

Well done OP, you seem to have a solid plan.

Have you asked if uni have any industry links to any firms that might hire you for a bit of work as a promising prospect?

@Stupidlifechoices is there any scope to increase your degree to FT and get the grants?

I do think worth re evaluating with your tutor.

The car insurance / PIP issue is diabolical as is your ex. It does sound like you've got a great plan to get out of this trap though.

@Comedycook , I have a good brain and a rotten body, so it works out well 😂😂.

If I can pull this degree and career off then I think it will set a good precedent for the girls-my eldest went from being an only child to a mum with a comfortable income, to a big sister to a very poorly baby/toddler who got all the attention because we were in hospital for most of her first 3 years. So she lost the one-to-one attention, the holidays abroad, the clothes shopping and the fun weekends at Alton Towers just as she hit 14, which was the worst possible time really. Despite that she has been absolutely fantastic, and powered through to get to a Russell group uni, and she works alongside. I want to make her proud again.

My youngest has never known anything other than “we can’t afford it”, free school meals and second hand clothes, so it will also show her that you can dig yourself out of a hole. There just needs to be a job at the end of it!!

You can work from home. Zero need to rent an office.

What tenancy doesn't want is either clients visiting or a load of old cars outside. But half the country practically works from home sound office stuff a few days a week.

Why would you rent an office? I can't imagine that your landlord could prevent you from doing remote work, even if the tenancy stipulates that a home-based business is not permitted.

Is it possible to speed up your degree, i.e. switch to full-time studying for the next year? I admit I don't know whether that would be possible. If you can't do that, I would imagine you'll need at least 4 hours per day of paid work while studying part time.

Hi OP, I know you have been to tribunal but you clearly have a disability that affects how you do things day to day ( fine motor skills is a big one) please see professional help and reapply x

OP, the no running a business from home clause doesn’t usually include clerical work. So a remote office job is fine. Running an aesthetics clinic, or childminding for example wouldn’t be.

Yes i missed this but no good reason that you can't work from home.

She can't afford childcare.

Meanwhile the father of her child chooses to be able to afford only £7.50 per month to support his child, and apparently the government is OK with that sort of bullshit.

Yes to all of that.

A welcome dose of reality.

"Get a job" posters please note.

Reapply for pip. If you are handicapped you are entitled to it

Lots of single mothers work. It's much easier now with WFH

If your ex is running his business via a limited company he is likely to be receiving dividends. I believe they are not included in CMS calculations as standard. You can however apply to CMS for a variation so that dividend income is taken into account. See link below.
https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/ask-other-income-expenses-included

That's not been my experience at all

Running a business from home is not the same as working from home/home working! You're planning to do remote work at your desktop, so you won't receive any clients/colleagues/regular deliveries etc, so no parking or noises that are going to cause a nuisance for your neighbours, right? Imagine all the renting people suddenly WFH during covid had been kicked out of their homes for that! I certainly wasn't.

Unless your landlord has explicitly stated WFH behind a desk on a computer isn't allowed? (My mind would be boggled.) Even if so, what's the likelihood of them finding out? Especially as it's not that different to studying (presume you do some stuff online including meeting, sit in a room on your PC for many hours, etc.) Presume you'd be either employed or self-employed, so you won't need to register a company at the address, and the landlord's insurance wouldn't be affected.