Not on the same page with my friends over “broke” and feel so ashamed

[Stupidlifechoices]

I am a single mum to 2 dc’s-one is 20 and one is 6. I have £1350 in total coming in a month and cannot pick up any more hours due to childcare (her father doesn’t really see her and school don’t run an after school club, and is too rural for childminders). I am claiming everything I am entitled to. I get £7.50 a month in child support.

Outgoings are:

Rent - £700
Phones - £120 (me and my daughter-they were both £35 each when I took the contracts out as we both needed handsets but they keep putting the tariffs up and we have 7 months remaining on 36 month contracts).
Broadband and phone line - £45
TV license - £28.25
Car insurance and AA - £120
Fuel £150
Gas and Electric £180
Council Tax £75

So just in bills I am already in arrears each month. There is nothing left for clothes or food, let alone days out and extras.

My eldest has started paying her own phone bill as of last month, as she has got a part time job around uni, but that only buys us another £60.

My other broke friends manage to dress well, look nice and go away for holidays and days out. Two of them have been on three holidays this summer-one to Tunisia, Jersey and then on a Disney cruise. Another did Disneyland and two weeks in the Cotswolds, followed by a week in Cornwall. One of them openly admits her parents pay for her children’s nursery fees, and the in laws bought their house for them so they wouldn’t have the stress of a mortgage. I feel like I am living in some shameful underbelly of poverty.

I feel like such an incredible failure, both to my children and to me. We are in the cheapest house I could find, I have nothing to sell on Vinted or eBay as we have been this broke for years. My daughter was very ill when she was born until she was 4 and so I stopped working, but was too young to qualify for DLA as the things I needed to do for her were appropriate for her age. She is now at school so I am doing a degree and am currently on a first, but it is part time so I won’t graduate for another 2 years.

I know we could move house to somewhere less rural, meaning that I could put her in after school club, but the rent would increase, as would childcare costs, and I don’t physically have the money to move house.

I make my own bread, yoghurt, pasta, pasta sauces, shampoo, deodorant, soap, washing powder, washing up liquid, surface cleaners and body wash to save money, and we eat very simply-pasta, fruit, porridge, toast and soup are the main go-to’s, but I feel like it barely touches the sides. I just hate myself for doing this to my family.

Yes yiur friends if they are mortgage free and have childcare paid for arent broke! What makes you think they are

and tv
licence is really high as are your phone bills

Agree about cleaners being like gold dust. Is it feasible for you to do perhaps 10 hours a week cleaning? Would be c. £400 a month.

Totally agree. The 20 year old shouldn't be having to facilitate their mother's studying while they are doing their own.

Your DD sounds absolutely lovely. You should feel very proud of her, and of yourself - both for bringing her up that way, and for everything you are doing for your family.

Things will get better. Hang in there.

And I agree with those saying not to compare yourself with your friends. They are not “broke broke”, they are just saying they are broke as a humble-brag.

Buy a handset (I just splashed out and upgraded to a brand new Samsung A15 with all the accessories for £100 but you could buy any phone in your budget even second hand options basic second hand CEX smartphones start from £5) and a sim only month to month (I pay £4 a month on iD).

The exact same phone on the same sim deal on a set 24 month bundle contract by carphone warehouse would be £14 a month (a lot less than £120 but still unnecessarily higher) and I would be trapped and at mercy of price increases that I couldn't get out of if needed.

Seriously just get out as soon as you can (£120 is insane) and do not sign back up to another contract. When you don't have spare money you need to be in control and able to cancel at any moment not trapped in leases and contracts for things.

Sorry OP, but you need to work instead of study

obviously you know the phones are daft, but you are trapped for a few more months. When the contracts end, take a good look around to see what you can get. I have been with Vodafone for years, but I now pay £12 a month for my phone and DD is also £12 a month, for 100gb of data. There are some good deals out there. (both SIM only as we don't get new phones until they stop working).

TV licence seems high, but I know you do need to pay in arrears and up front when you first take it out, so it should reduce at some point?

I know it's hard but you need to ignore what your friends do/have got as they clearly aren't hard up.

If OP pays for water there should be a Social Tariff:

https://www.ccw.org.uk/save-money-and-water/help-with-bills/

That’s terrible advice! In 7 months time OP will own the handsets and can switch to SIM only. She still has to pay for those 7 months regardless. Why on earth would she want to buy another handset now? (Even if she had the money, which she doesn’t).

You need to hustle for more work, like really hustle. People are begging for good, cheap cleaners round me - but I'm in a city. Start with a leaflet through the doors of neighbours of the person you currently clean for, offering a discounted first session. Can no friends, parents, grandparents or even her own dad not pick your DD up once or twice a week so you could work a couple of days full time? Or could you look at getting a job in a school?

I would also call the phone contract company and tell them you're in financial difficulty and cannot pay, I have never heard of a contract going up like that from £35-60 in 3 years. I'm not sure that's legal.

Your friends are living in genteel poverty supported by well-heeled family. It’s very different. And some of those holidays were probably funded by the bank of mum and dad too.

I know it’s unlikely. As I said up thread; every rental contract I’ve ever had has explicitly forbidden sub letting. My DPs used to rent a property out and they didn’t allow it either. I used to work in an estate agents, no one who rented out their property allowed it.

look at changing your broadband/phone package. If you have a mobile phone why do you need to pay for a phone line too? We just have broadband with no phone line, it halved the cost for us.

Is making your own pasta, etc really more cost effective once you’ve added all the ingredients? You can pick up a packet of own brand pasta for 41p for 500g in Tesco is it really cheaper to make things like this? (I genuinely have no idea).

Do your friends work more than 5 hours a week?

@Stupidlifechoices can you break down and list your actual income on here and what each thing is from? I've seen some really knowledgeable people on here who could see if there's any discrepancies and point you in the right direction.

"Two of them have been on three holidays this summer-one to Tunisia, Jersey and then on a Disney cruise. Another did Disneyland and two weeks in the Cotswolds, followed by a week in Cornwall. "

I wish I could be as broke as your friends 😂

Sounds like you are paying double for tv licence. That's what they do ... make you pay double for 6 months then you go down to single payment - as you need to be 6 months in advance! It's a real scandal!

Quite - and in other threads with a skint OP, they're tol,d to study and get a better paid job!

I pay for the license and I think it's great value. We listen to BBC radio stations every day and also enjoy BBC drama etc. I also have prime , Disney and netflix but watch/listen to BBC programme and stations on Freeview far more often than we do those.
Maybe the OP feels the same way.

There's some really good advice here. I wonder whether you've got into a panic over the years and cant see the wood for the trees, because so many of your outgoings are so high. Try to break things down into small tasks, easier ones first just to get u started...for eg: TV licence: that is more than it should be. Cancel. Or if for some reason you really don't want to cancel, find out why it's costing you more than the standard rate (eg has there been a mistake and you're still paying on somewhere you loved previously?)
Car insurance is way too high for a middle aged female - easily sorted on a comparison site. AA is hugely expensive. Cancel. Look into an insurance policy which also has a breakdown service but get the absolute basic cover.
Utilities seem very high. Look around for a better deal (comparison sites again) but also, you need to look at usage.
Talk to the mobile phone people...possibly even ask Citizens Advice about it?
Small steps first, then take stock.

I think a lot of posters aren’t understanding the OPs situation. She isn’t choosing not to work- the school do not provide wrap around care. There is no childcare available in her rural area that will facilitate working full time plus commute. She is studying because that CAN fit around school hours.

OP- I can completely see how stuck you feel- and to an extent are.

Some suggestions.

• do you have any admin experience? Remote admin roles are often part time. Take a look at unlikelier places- charity jobs, arts jobs (both websites)- third sector doesn’t pay fantastically but are often more flexible and more open to remote workers (cost saving on office space)
• Have you checked with DDs school that they don’t need staff? Dinner ladies etc? Keep checking back.
• have you looked into discretionary hardship funds from your local authority? There is usually a pot of money for people like you who fall through the welfare net gaps. (Read: gaping holes)
• Check for rurally focused charities that may be able to offer grants/ funds etc
• do you have any mum friends at DDs school? Could you try finding childcare swaps so you could work (eg) three days per week? Tricky but worth asking if the school has that kind of network

I’ll keep thinking. But I see you. You’re doing great.

I did a 2 year Masters when my daughter was 7 and money was so so tight (it was in social work so vocational). It was an absolute struggle and at one point I was awarded a hardship grant by my university which made a massive difference. I would have a look into whether you can apply for anything? If you are struggling so much would you consider pausing your studies to work full time to get yourself into a better place? For the two years I was studying there were no holidays/ takeaways/ nice things- our food budget was £35 a week 😳

You don’t need a licence for BBC radio, just the TV.

Almost (but not quite) as the 'coulda, shoulda, woulda' posters...

You can very easily pick up more hours cleaning. Advertise locally, on Facebook, next door etc. My friend is a self employed cleaner and is over run. She has 22 clients and a waiting list for more. Only works school hours apart from a couple a week doing a church hall where she takes her dc with her. We also live rurally.