Thinking of Charging my Daughter Rent

[DancePrance]

Good Evening,

My daughter is approaching 26 and still lives at home, I'm a single mum, it's the two of us. She has a very well paid job with the option to triple her salary, but says she doesn't want to move out. She has expensive taste and all her money goes on her (holidays, clothes, Ubers), she doesn't save. She's lovely, though for years we've locked heads as I enjoy a clean and organised home whereas she's untidy, leaves her mess everywhere, doesn't contribute to housework unless asked and even then it's a chore to get her to do anything. She wouldn't even think to load the washing machine, pick up the hoover, wash her dishes, buy weekly groceries for the house, take out the bins or anything. I'm shattered and she stresses me out!

I've always felt that one day she should contribute to the home she lives in as this is part of her maturing and becoming financially responsible. She leaves lights on, plug sockets switched on with no device attached, wastes food, takes long showers, so last month I said it's only fair she contributes 50% for energy bills. But now I feel she should pay a little rent too. I want her to know the value of money and feel pride for her achievements.

She begrudges having to contribute physically towards our home let alone financially. Really, I'd like her to move out, but she says she doesn't want to leave and feels I'm mean for asking her to move out or request money for the home she lives in. I love her, but feel I'm starting to resent her being home and her levels of selfishness are impacting me.

How much should I charge her for rent (whilst she's still at home)/ Is £15 per day too much? Please help 🙏

To add another perspective, I am 27 and have lived out of home since 18 (with 2 years spent at home after university aged 21-23).

The minute I got a full time job at 21 (£16k) I paid keep to parents, although it was only £150 monthly. I did also have to buy and insure a car (for work) and pay off my student overdraft. I thought it was unfair at the time (ha!) but I now realise this was so generous. After 2 years of struggling to fit back into a family home with a sibling still in school, I got a rented flat which was on a Cheaper scheme due to being in a bit of a rubbish area.

My partner moved into the flat and after 2.5 years of renting we bought a house because during covid we had to shield and couldn’t go outside so living somewhere with a garden became a necessity. At the time we had one full time income at £27k and some part time earnings so definitely not megabucks. We had many friends at this point still living at home, going on fabulous holidays (around covid obviously), having cosmetic work done and just generally having a great time- although they would say they were saving for a deposit.

Long story short, learning to value and contribute to your household, and appreciating what has been provided to you up until adulthood is a key part of growing up. I’m a firm believer in the whole ‘growth only occurs outside your comfort zone’ and I personally was motivated by the approach my family took. Sometimes you need a sense of urgency created by a bit of discomfort, and I realised very quickly that if you want to build a comfortable life it takes hard work. In my experience those that stay at home without responsibilities are in no rush to leave, and I now find it very difficult to relate to my friends who chose this path.

My partner and I worked hard to get promotions as the cost of living increased and we knew a high interest remortgage was coming. This wouldn’t have bothered us if we had still lived at home. I drove my £1000 car for 7 years until the engine failed, which also wouldn’t have bothered us living at home because I could have just used my parents car. We both came from single parent households where financial contributions were necessary and have had no financial help. We feel so lucky to be where we are, but probably wouldn’t be here if staying comfortably and rent free with family had been an option.

I think you are doing your daughter a disservice by not preparing her for the reality of standing on her own two feet, as she should want to create an independent life for herself. I actually couldn’t imagine my mum dishing out chores to me at this age- it’s my job to look after her! I appreciate lots of people live happily with parents/family their whole lives, but if you’re not happy with her contribution you need to make it known and change the expectations.

I’m 40 & live with my parents. I have paid for Sky/phone/internet for the household for years (since I started working), as well as paying my parents a sum into the bank every month. In addition I assist with household tasks such as shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. It’s only fair, why should they look after me - I’m not a child.

Whether she saves or not is her concern, but like everyone else the first call when she gets paid is money to cover living expenses. So find out when her payday is and make sure she pays you first while the money is still in her account .

An amount for rent ( have a look at the rent charged for studio flats in your area) half of the council tax, half of the household insurance, half of the internet/ Netflix , half of the utility bills . Write it down, show her the amounts and explain that she either transfers it to your account or she packs her bags.

And if she isn’t willing to pull her weight and keep your home tidy then suggest that you share the cost of a cleaner for two hours a week and add that into the total too.

Yikes. I thought I was lazy in my 20s but I lived independently from the age of 18 with just one year at home when I was 25 - and I couldn’t wait to move into my own rented flat with my wages from my job at the time.

The very least your daughter should be doing is to contribute a set amount of her earnings towards bills etc, maybe not 50% all to you but 30% for bills and 20% into savings to move out? Or the other way round, depending on your financial situation.

As far as housework is concerned, the minimum I would expect is for her to be cooking independently at least several times a week, taking care of her own laundry/ironing, keeping her room clean and tidy, cleaning and picking up after her mess in the rest of the house (cups, plates etc) and doing a rota with you for cleaning the bathroom and toilets. Really she should be doing 50% of ALL housework at her age.

You are doing her no favours by enabling her spoilt and entitled attitude but it’s not too late to change and set her on a better path. You may also find that once the situation improves she is more motivated to move out! Who can blame her for not wanting to when she has such a good thing going at home with a mum that does everything for her and allows her to spend all her wages on herself?

She is 26 and working full time

She needs to be paying 50% of all bills plus doing her own washing, cooking, food shopping etc

From tonight just stop doing everything -

You do know you are doing exactly the same as these parents? Fully subsidising grown adults.

You need to get her to move out asap. Calling you controlling and a neat freak in your own home. Tell her to move out and she can happily live in her own filth. Cheeky mare.

She needs to be paying 50% of everything you use jointly (eg rent, electricity, food, internet etc) and all of anything that's just for her. She also needs to respect the shared areas and keep them tidy. Her bedroom shouldn't be so messy that you end up with any problems (food waste issues, damp etc). You should both be doing some housework, taking it in turns to cook, do a washing etc (or just do your own - whatever works).

Op you say in one of your posts "....even if I could afford to get her her own place I wouldn't as I want her to know the value of money."

I'm sorry but that is completely and utterly untrue. She has absolutely no value of money WHATSOEVER. She has been living as an adult for almost 10 years absolutely FOC. How can you watch her spending all her money on clothes, holidays, nights out etc month after month and not say anything?! You say you've "talked" about it. The only conversation that needs to be had is:

"As of X date you will pay X amount towards this household. If you do not want to do that then you have 2 months to find somewhere else to live". End of story. And then THAT will teach her the value of money. Eventually. At the age of 26 😭

I genuinely can't believe that people like this exist. Both the parent and the child. I can't imagine even having the nerve to live under my parents roof, paying absolutely nothing, and going about my business booking holidays, having my nails done etc. And I can't imagine how long it would have lasted if I'd tried this.

The problem isn't the chores or the money (that she won't give you even if you ask, by the sounds of it). It's the fact that you've lost control of your living environment and it's ruined your quality of life. Get out from under. Split the house into two flats. Or downsize and give her some of the equity as a deposit on her own place. Or move house and don't tell her where you went.

I would charge 50% of what it would cost her to rent a similar room privately. She can’t begrudge that as she’s still getting a significant discount.

Sorry but where do you live? That's a massive amount of rent, and I live in London. Why doesn't she house share?

Stop having discussions with her about this, she needs to understand she either contributes or she needs to move out and fend for herself. It's ridiculous that her friends parents pay their bills for them!
My son is 21 and In his final year of an apprenticeship, he makes around £2200 per month and pays for the council tax and his phone bill plus all of his own breakfast and lunches, I cook dinner every night but he also fills the freezer once a month with chicken, mince ect. He also cleans up after himself and does his own washing. He also puts £300 per month into a savings account. Stop letting your daughter walk all over you, she's an adult and needs to act like one.

Cannot imagine living at home at 26.
Was long gone. 😕

Mine pays £45 per week and she works on just slightly above minimum wage. She would pay more but she has decided to go back to study and starts uni as a mature student in September so I have kept it low to enable her to save for uni.

She is never going to act like the responsible adult you would like while you continue to treat her like a child!

Why should she get a free ride in life?
No wonder she doesn't want to move out.

Stop doing her washing. Cooking and washing up should be shared, if she won't take turns to cook then stop cooking for her. It's time to grow up.

Ridiculous to be honest. I was married at that age and managing to cook every night and clean a 4 bed house (admittedly the chores shared with my husband) with a full time job.

I lived at home until I was 22 and did my own washing, cooked for the family 2/3 a weeks and did other chores. I paid rent of 5% of my gross salary (which I know was a great deal!)

My ex did this. He was on benefits after an accident at work, his eldest was earning a very decent wage for her age (19) and he wouldn't take any rent/board money from her.
He was absolutely broke, living from benefit payment to benefit payment, in arrears with bills to the point of having to go to court about them.
She had two holidays in four months of her starting work (one to the Caribbean), went out every weekend, hair done, nails done, etc. It was ridiculous.
I don't know if she'd offered to pay anything, but she wasn't.

When l left school (in between leaving and going to art collage in the 70s) jobseekers (or whatever it was called then) was about £7.70 a week.
My mother took £6 a week from me. And my dad was working full time.

It does them no favours at all. They have no idea what things cost, and she's in for a hell of a rude awakening. You shouldn't have to be treated like a skivvy and a hotel, OP. Of course 'she doesn't want to move out'. She'll never have a cushier billet in her life.
I think you need to put your cards on the table, either she starts pulling her weight, or she goes. It's so unfair.

I actually think you're all letting your kids down massively. You're holding them back. She's acting like a 16 year old child.

Whenever I lived with my parents as an adult, always had to contribute in some way. When I did move out I was scraping by, but that's life......
As her behaviour hasn't improved over time despite rows it is time for her to move out. She needs to stand on her own 2 feet and you need some space. Tough love time.

Op you are a complete doormat!!

For goodness sake you've enabled your dd to be selfish and lazy as well as financially irresponsible 🤦‍♀️ you have done her no favours what so ever.

I would be telling her that she needs to pay 50% of all the household bills and if she doesn't want to help with the housework she can pay for a cleaner. Hopefully this might be the shove she needs into reality and she will decide now that mums not such a pushover maybe she should grow up and move out!!

My dd is 18yo and once she she leaves college and works FT I will be charging her rent (I'm also a single parent) to make up the council tax loss and child benefit loss. She is also expected to help around the home and clear up after herself.

50% of bills. Does half the housework and food/household shopping. Pays half of all utilities. She is also costing you in council tax since if you lived alone you would get a 25% discount, so she needs to pay half the council tax as well. If you are generous you might save some of that for her, but you may find you need the money. Start now. Tell her the rent (half of what a bedsit costs locally is fine - show her how much it costs, too) and arrange for the money to be transfered on a weekly or monthly basis. You are doing her no favours not making her pay and take responsibility for her home. She will go on being wasteful and with no idea of the value of money and will find she cannot fund her own home. Get the figures ready e.g. quarterly utility bills (elec, gas, water), council tax bill, and examples of household shopping - if necessary go and do a week's shop and then show her the goods and the receipt. If the message doesn't get home then tell her she must leave, because freeloading on you is doing her no good whatsoever and is making your life stressful.

She's an entitled brat, as are her friends, and you are enabling her behaviour.
Really she needs to move out for a year or two and fend for herself. She will never grow up if you continue to be cook, servant and butler. If, having lived on her own for a year or two, you both want her to move back in, at that point you tell her it's on the condition that she pays a reasonable fraction of what she'd be paying for a house share - e.g. 3/4 of what she'd pay for a room, plus her share of utilities and food - and does half the housework.

I find it worrying that she doesn't feel an ounce of guilt watching you pay for it all and struggling.
For that reason alone you should be charging her 50%.

This post is so sad. Your daughter treats you like a skivvy. You say she's lovely but her behaviour is actually awful.

Jesus OP, what the fuck have I just read?!

She’s taking you for an absolute ride. She sounds like an entitled brat!

I’d be giving her a months notice to move out, never mind asking for £15 a day!