Thinking of Charging my Daughter Rent

[DancePrance]

Good Evening,

My daughter is approaching 26 and still lives at home, I'm a single mum, it's the two of us. She has a very well paid job with the option to triple her salary, but says she doesn't want to move out. She has expensive taste and all her money goes on her (holidays, clothes, Ubers), she doesn't save. She's lovely, though for years we've locked heads as I enjoy a clean and organised home whereas she's untidy, leaves her mess everywhere, doesn't contribute to housework unless asked and even then it's a chore to get her to do anything. She wouldn't even think to load the washing machine, pick up the hoover, wash her dishes, buy weekly groceries for the house, take out the bins or anything. I'm shattered and she stresses me out!

I've always felt that one day she should contribute to the home she lives in as this is part of her maturing and becoming financially responsible. She leaves lights on, plug sockets switched on with no device attached, wastes food, takes long showers, so last month I said it's only fair she contributes 50% for energy bills. But now I feel she should pay a little rent too. I want her to know the value of money and feel pride for her achievements.

She begrudges having to contribute physically towards our home let alone financially. Really, I'd like her to move out, but she says she doesn't want to leave and feels I'm mean for asking her to move out or request money for the home she lives in. I love her, but feel I'm starting to resent her being home and her levels of selfishness are impacting me.

How much should I charge her for rent (whilst she's still at home)/ Is £15 per day too much? Please help 🙏

My brother is still living at home aged 44. Working full time and paying £250 a month. Lives from paycheck to paycheck because he spends all his money on booze (functional alcoholic IMO) and cigarettes and God knows what else. He never has any money left at the end of the month, let alone savings.

He moved out a couple of times in his 20s but was back with my Mum within a few months because no partner or housemate could tolerate him.

He does do housework but no gardening, decorating or anything 'big' that my Mum in her 60s would really benefit from. She has to pay people to do that. She had to have a new boiler fitted before Xmas and he made no contribution towards that.

He thinks he's a martyr 'caring' for my Mum (who still works! and is functioning in every way) and I'm bracing myself for when she passes away because I know he'll not want to leave the house and think he's entitled to stay in it after all his years of 'caring' for her. When all he does in my opinion is a bit of housework and complains about how difficult she is to live with.

Don't be like my Mum!!

She's objectively not lovely. If this was a man treating you like this we'd call it what it is, abusive.

I fear you've left it too late to change your daughter so don't be too surprised when she refuses to give you any money

You need to act soon, OP. Her window for being capable of growing the fuck up is shrinking. If she gets to 30 still living like a spoiled child, she may no longer be capable of changing.

Tell her she is moving out, no ifs, no takebacks. It's past time.

This sounds like a nightmare, but I would imagine you are both to blame here as you are allowing it. It’s no good just having fights about mess and money it’s your house and she’s old enough you need to enforce boundaries.

firstly, she should only be allowed to live at home if she’s saving for her own future so that she can move out eventually , not waste her money, she’s not 18 anymore!

secondly, she should pay her way. A fair portion towards all household living costs. She is the child but she’s actually a fully grown adult child that needs to grow up so she can contribute fairly… if she thinks this is too much she is welcome to love out and be far worse off.

thirdly, everyone that lives at home has to help with cooking, cleaning and general upkeep of the house

you are honestly doing no favours by letting her be a lazy spendaholic … the more she learns at home now the less stressful life will be for both of you and it will help her when she moves to her own place

as soon as my kids are old enough to work I will apply all of the above rules and know that that will help them be ready for the real world, because as unfair as it seems being asked to help out at home when you’re a young adult, real life on your own is far harder. already my young children help out around the house sure there are arguments sometimes but I don’t ask them to spend long helping then they can go and play or relax, but everyone still helps.

enforce some rules and things will get a lot better. Or she will refuse, move out, be broke and have a lot more to do than you’re asking her to and apologise to you saying she didn’t realise how easy she had it before!

How on earth did you let her get to 26 without having contributed something towards her rent???

What's the female/familial version of a cocklodger - if this was a bloke, he'd be getting torn to pieces on here.

All THREE of mine contribute. Whether making the dinner / walking the dogs / hoovering etc and they're only 15. 17 and 20.

What a nonsense. Time she paid up or moved on.

Tough love required- or she will have a horrible shock when she joins the real world. Source: never had to pay anything to my parents, never did chores. Spent money on Domino’s, clothes, my hobbies, didn’t save a penny. I worked full-time but could have been working harder than I was as had no responsibilities. Moved out at 21 with my partner, with no savings at all, no ability to do any housekeeping, I’d never even done a load of washing until I was in a flat doing my own. Was a startling reality check for me, going from pretty spoilt (I didn’t act it imo but my parents did baby me a lot) and without any responsibilities to all the harsh realness of life, bills, all that shit. If I’d saved anything or been encouraged to, I might have been able to save enough for a house deposit, but I didn’t. Sometimes I resent my parents for it, even though I know they were just doing everything out of love. It just didn’t do me any favours at all, and £15 a day would have been easily doable for me and given me a taste of what real life is like.

You're being a mug! 50% of all bills should be covered, more if you are being treated like a maid, cleaners aren't cheap.

You need to go on strike, any mess or dirty dishes etc, throw them on her bed.

Well yes she needs to pay rent and half of all bill. But I honestly don't know how you will get her to do it.

Living at home at 26 imo is fine, makes sense in a lot of cases. But she needs to pay her way!!

As you have stated that your preference is that your daughter moves out, then tell her that. Tell her you are giving her two months notice to move out into her own place. Tell her you are not shifting on this and she needs to move out, if she doesn't, you will bag up her stuff and leave it outside and you will be changing the locks. Warn your Mum to be ready to refuse to let your DD move in with her again to continue her freeloading.

You have got to play hardball Op, you have let this go on far too long and being reasonable and patient won't work now. Your daughter has become so entrenched in her entitled and lazy behaviour that only a hard shock will get through to her. Just focus on how lovely it will be to have a peaceful, clean and tidy house and also how much better off you will be without subsidising another adult, plus the council single person discount you will be entitled to.

rent isnt 2k a month in a house share op so she can easily move if not willing to pay towards your costs

Aw leave her be Op! She’s your baby!

Husband & I lived with my parents while saving up to buy a flat. Joint take home pay was £4,000 and when we offered housekeeping, my parents only asked for £400/ month (£200 for their increased food costs + £200 to cover the increased bills).
We cooked them dinner also.
We always knew we were SO lucky to only pay 10% of our pay for board & food. Parents were happy to help because they knew we were saving £2k+ for our flat & would leave as soon as possible. I think if it was a longer term arrangement (only lasted 9months ish) we'd have insisted on paying more.
Ultimately, mortgage on a flat & all associated costs comes out to a lot more than £400/ month 😂

At 26 there's no should about it- we've made it clear to our kids that once they finish uni and are earning, they'll be expected to contribute, and discussed around 1/3 of their wage, if they're not happy with it they'll be welcome to live elsewhere.

She's living her best life - what about you now? Charge her rent which it includes her shopping and house keeping. Stop washing her clothes, when she runs out of clothes she will soon learn to use the washing machine! She still thinks she's a child and using you as a skivvy! 250 a month minimum.

I charge my child £250 a month in rent about half what it would cost to live in a studio where we are. Because they are usually in their room I see it as a lodger type agreement. They do their own washing and have to feed themselves when I'm not there. I make them teas because I make them for the family.
I did go through a period of them having a very messy room and I said that if they continued in that manner anymore they would have to find somewhere else to live, soon sorted them out.
I wonder whether you put up with it all because you worry about being on your own. I know I have that fear when all my children will have flown the nest.
If it was me and it's not I would have kicked them out years ago or at least made it harder for them to stay.

Shes on a cushy number! Add up your utilities and charge her half. Does she pay her own phone bill? She also should have a weekly chore list and share cooking. If she doesnt like it then maybe she should start looking for a flatshare and get a shock at the potential costs!
DD is the same age and will be moving back home shortly. We're in the process of drafting the same sort of list to discuss with her when she comes home 😉

This. Tell her if she doesn’t want to pay half the bills you’ll simply downsize to a 1 bedroom flat and she can make her own way. 26 years old and working full time paying nothing? Harsh reality check needed. Only way I’d be excusing not paying is if she was saving every penny for a deposit to move out

I moved out at 18, back in at 20. I paid half the bills and did half the chores (without prompting)

My kids were expected to pay their way as soon as they left uni. Also expected to contribute to chores - and I’m retired so you could argue I have plenty of time to do everything. But I didn’t because it’s not good for them.

Both my children have gone on to live very independently, I adore them both and could have afforded for them not to contribute, but I felt that wasn’t in their best interests.

I think you need to have a conversation, they’re an adult, they should be paying their way and doing half the chores.

Its been my experience that the watershed for moving from a messy teen who doesn't see all the effort it takes to keep a house neat and tidy and an actual grown up is the point where you get your own home and realise that there's now no-one to do it all for you (and even then it can take a while to sink in). If she's not ready to move out, and as a Mum I understand your need to not just push her out of the nest, then she needs to contribute - if she's working full time then its not unreasonable for her to share half of the household costs just as she would if she were renting with a room-mate. Its a good financial lesson and may well encourage her to consider getting her own place at some point in the future. If she doesn't like it, well its a win-win because you get your place back and don't have to pick up and clean after her anymore :-) Personally, I'd then take half of the money she gives and ferret it away into a savings account as a surprise help towards a deposit on her own home when she's grown up enough to want to move out.

She feels you're mean for requesting money for the home she lives in, but does she not feel mean expecting you to cover the cost of both of you?! It's your home too. Most people would feel a little embarrassed contributing so little as a guest, let alone as an occupant!

Rent + bills + cleaner.

I was going to say you are not being unreasonable until I got to £15 a day.....?!? Like why 15 why not a regular weekly or monthly amount like a normal board or rent ?

I wouldnt pay per day to live at home.

You say you’ve had lots of chats with her, but what consequences has she had? Are you doing her washing, cooking her food, cleaning up after her?
Stop doing anything for her. If she doesn’t wash up- put the dishes in her room, leaves a mess- put in the doorway of her room. Give her no privacy! Get up at 6am and put the radio on loud.
charge her 50% of ALL bills.
I know you think you’re being kind, but you’re actually failing her as a parent.
obviously she won’t appreciate these changes, but that’s because she’s a selfish and spoiled person. Don’t take her reaction personally.

Why don’t you insist she puts 10% or a certain amount of her income every month into a savings account or transfers this to you? And you give it back to her for a deposit on an property. And starts saving a deposit for a house. Many of my friends were allowed to live at home rent free on the premise that they were saving up to buy their own home. She could also contribute to bills on top of that.