Friends with money

[the7Vabo]

I’m middle aged, married, two kids, mortgage. We are probably higher middle income, between us we make gross £90k ish. I’m the higher earner.

The problem is that while I feel we are far from poor our social group is rich. We were out for a meal recently with a group of friends & they split the bill & it was eye watering for us. It’s awkward because I don’t want be be the only couple in a big group asking to go to a cheaper restaurant. I don’t feel anyone should have to constrain their choices based on our income. It does leave us in a position where we either spend more than we can afford or miss out.

Im also in general a bit gloomy about money. I know on a rationale level that we aren’t badly off. Our outgoings are high. We live a nice life although not a particularly luxe one. Anytime we splash out the chunk it takes out of our very small pot of savings upsets me.

I just feel a bit joyless. I don’t want to be, I want to be grateful for what I have and consistently mindful that others are so much worse off, but I’m really struggling mentally.

I would advise to never spend more than you can afford. Probably best to skip every other meal/ social occasion, that way it might be easier to absorb the cost ? Your friends should realise what’s happening after a few occasions and suggest a cheaper place to suit everyone.
there is no point in trying to keep up with others if it affect your personal budget, only spend what you feel comfortable with.

Do you live in an expensive part of the country?

There's people out there a lot worse off than you. Literally skipping meals to feed their kids. How about doing some volunteer work with a food bank etc. you will soon see your life in a different light

I know this. Of course I know that on a rationale level, I just can’t seem to get out of the funk.

I have no time so volunteering is out of the question unfortunately. I work & have young kids.

Be fair, op acknowledged that. It's fair enough for her to want views in her position, relative to her social group, with out the hair shirt on every line?

Either be more up front with friends or cut down on socialising. Which do you think it’s easier for you?

I have friends who are better off and enjoy nice meals out. I am honest with them and say I can’t afford x place. If they really want to go somewhere fancy, they go without me, which is fine.

Thanks for this.

I 100% acknowledge this. I very much know there are people out there much worse off.

More than anything I’m just tired. I work almost full time and have young kids. I’d like to be able to let loose the odd time but we can’t afford to and I struggle with that probably more than I should.

I think I understand. It depends on your social circle. We are not badly off... similar income to you op and we have quite low outgoings. I feel very fortunate. However I have friends who seem to be absolutely rolling in it compared to us. Constant holidays and endless home improvements and huge kitchen extensions.

I think it s easier to cut down for us rather than discuss it. Talking about money is so awkward especially when we are the only non rich couple in the group.

How do you know you’re the only non-rich couple in the group if you’re not comfortable talking about money?

It’s nothing to be ashamed of that you have a different income and outgoings to your friends.

The thing is you must have known splitting the bill was the norm and you could,easily have looked to see the restaurant prices. So you chose to go and spend rather than miss out. You also don’t want to tell your friends you can’t afford it. So you are doing this to yourself

suggest restaurants or say money is a bit tight can we go somewhere cheaper, but just going along with it and whinging after isn’t really a great plan.

Comparison is the thief of joy.
You sound like you've got a pretty good life, a lot better than most, enjoy what you have, if your friends insist on going to expensive places, miss out on the odd trip, you might enjoy it more

Our outgoings are pretty high - mortgage, childcare etc.

I struggle a little as my friends live in la la land. One asked if I’d take my kids to the Maldives. I can’t afford to take myself to the Maldives not to mind a couple of kids who don’t know where they are! It’s like being on another planet!

Im thinking of skipping a holiday this year to try to save more. I do try to get a sense of perspective but it can be hard even to feel that socially we can’t participate in a conversations fully as “we’re actually not going away this year to save” is very alien to people who are on their 5th break of the year!

It feels a bit lonely tbh, I feel like we’ll have to take a step back especially as our kids get older and theirs start skiing & horse riding etc. I’d almost feel I’d be making my kids feel like they’re missing out when they have a lovely life.

I think it makes my husband feel like a bit of a failure, almost all of his friends are very successful - CEO, senior uni professor etc.

I'm going to be blunt - do what everyone else has to. Tailor your social life to your income. If you can't afford it, don't go. I'm not sure what else you could expect to be told.

Unless you're very well adjusted I think having friends in very different financial situations is always going to lead to problems. Unfortunately you either need to tell the you can't afford the swanky venues they choose or find some other friends.

I have quite a mixed group of friends (although I'm probably at the upper end income wise). With those I know are as comfortable as me, we go to The Ivy 😆 but I'm going to an greasy spoon cafe with another friend tomorrow. I suggested lunch and also suggested something cheap and cheerful, knowing the kinds of places she chooses with her family.

In a mixed group, we'd always choose something towards the lower end.

Is having friends that make you feel miserable worthwhile? It may be unintentional but as they must have an idea of your situation and what's normal for you, it probably isn't. At best, they haven't given you any thought.

Can happen whatever your income. I could write a similar post as we seem to have a lot of friends who are on a fair bit more than us, who sometimes suggest things we feel we just can’t afford.

That is just one group of friends though, we have others who are at all sorts of different income levels and we may do different things with them. The income level has no bearing on the people, or on the amount of fun that we have when we meet up so not worth worrying about.

I suspect that our wealthiest friends have other groups of people they know who make them feel “poor” in comparison when they go out. Like being the family able to afford to rent the lovely ski chalet, compared to the family that own theirs! Always someone richer.

How did you end up with friends with such a different lifestyle?

Over the years I've gained all sorts of friends, all yours seem very similar, but different to you?

Some people on this thread have been very helpful and I’m grateful to them for their mindful advice.

I could have written this although our combined is 10k less but I totally get that “meh” of not quite earning enough to have luxuries but not on the breadline either. It’s a totally valid feeling that no one seems to allowed to speak about. I think a lot of people have it but if you mention it you get labeled as ungrateful. I did find embracing “everyday awe” helpful with this though.

I also move on more “affluent” circles and I just started suing outright “I’m sorry that is out of our budget right now, I’d be happy to do (insert cheaper thing here) on another day” it’s worked well so far.

90k sounds high but yes if your outgoings are high, I can see that you can't spend frivolously. I get it...I have friends who go away constantly. I mean literally every month even if its just a weekend in the UK in a nice hotel and then abroad to far-flung destinations.

seek out poorer friends ?

I think it is hard if you genuinely do have a lot less disposable income and your friends aren't aware. You're right it will get harder as the kids grow up and there are more differences between your lifestyles.

If they are your closest friends, it is tricky how to manage it but I'd encourage making more friends who are like you - not to drop these friends altogether but just to have alternatives for when you want to socialise but not costing a bomb.

I have friends who are pretty wealthy but also a lot of ones with similar ideas about how to spend money. It isn't always about income - just that some people have simple tastes and others don't. But we are all quite open when we talk about places to go - we discuss the costs and if we think it's reasonable. I guess if you are super rich, the difference between £30 and £50 for a night out is nothing to comment on really.

That’s good of you. I’m very fond of my friends. I do think that at times they could give us a bit more thought. Tbh I think they are on a cycle of working hard & playing hard & caught up in going to nice places.

Actually I have had this conversation with friends, although not at the same level.

We are a group of women who go out for a bike ride or a run and lunch. We noticed one was often only buying a cuppa and asked her about it. She said she was finding things a struggle so preferred not to buy lunch out, so we started either taking a picnic or having something together at one of our homes when we got back. That's what friends do. I'm not sure if these people are really friends if you can't broach this with them/they have no sensitivity to it.