Friends with money

[the7Vabo]

I’m middle aged, married, two kids, mortgage. We are probably higher middle income, between us we make gross £90k ish. I’m the higher earner.

The problem is that while I feel we are far from poor our social group is rich. We were out for a meal recently with a group of friends & they split the bill & it was eye watering for us. It’s awkward because I don’t want be be the only couple in a big group asking to go to a cheaper restaurant. I don’t feel anyone should have to constrain their choices based on our income. It does leave us in a position where we either spend more than we can afford or miss out.

Im also in general a bit gloomy about money. I know on a rationale level that we aren’t badly off. Our outgoings are high. We live a nice life although not a particularly luxe one. Anytime we splash out the chunk it takes out of our very small pot of savings upsets me.

I just feel a bit joyless. I don’t want to be, I want to be grateful for what I have and consistently mindful that others are so much worse off, but I’m really struggling mentally.

Come up with an idea for a nice place to go that’s affordable but good and suggest it?

Perhaps with a comment about how you’d like a change from the usual places and in these times of austerity it would be nice to help out other restaurants which may not have quite so much income as the Savoy (or wherever it is you eat) and that may be struggling?

ie make it about staff being laid off and restaurants closing and stuff.
Helping struggling businesses.

Rather than about you not having as much disposable income as you’d like.

Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate all the many helpful replies.

I agree I think this thread has already proven how easy it is to be labelled ungrateful.

I must look into everyday awe, I’d love to be able to practice gratefulness in a true almost spiritual way but I never seem to get there.

This is me op. My 2 friends are a lot better off than me, one has worked her socks off and now earns 6 figures and has made some very shrewd investments, she now lives in a gorgeous house in a lovely location mortgage free, my other friend inherited an eye wateringly large amount. I earn 60k and my dh 40k so we're not hard up by any standards but we have a mortgage and plow a lot into pensions etc.

The three of us meet up a couple of times a year but we've now started putting x amount into a savings account to pay for our weekends away. This makes it a lot easier as it's already paid for. Maybe this could be an option if it's a group of girls rather than couples meals.

But you're right, it can sometimes be difficult when they are arranging nights away, nice hotels and I'm sat thinking that's my months disposable income in one weekend. I do now say something to them, such as 'it's a bit rich for me, I'll give it a miss' or 'I can't really afford that, would you mind if we went elsewhere' or simply 'there's no way I can afford a £300 ticket to a festival, glamping coats, food and booze'. They have always been fine about it.

Change your social group. Constantly feeling like this will drag you down. Eventually your childcare and mortgage costs will reduce but they will always be living a different lifestyle to you.

Read the book Affluenza. It really helped me understand those feelings when I was experiencing them.

This.

If they are really friends they won't mind. Or host them at yours.

Sorry if I was a bit harsh. I suppose, if I'm honest, your post grated a bit because my household income is less than half yours, but I appreciate you did acknowledge you knew others were worse off in your OP. I hope your friends will be receptive to some lower-budget events.

Our friends are similar - some worked up the ranks, some have family money.

The group are my husband’s school friends & their wives whom I’ve become very good friends with. They are the only group we hang out with as a couple. They are great fun & I’m fond of all of them.

Your advice is very sensible. it’s something I’d be quicker to do with my own female friends.

I think the main issue is that it feels too awkward to bring up money but too lonely not to go.

I said to my OH I think we just need to try to control the plans a bit more in future - suggest the park for a coffee etc.

I don’t think the issue is you’re not grateful. I don’t agree with rhis at all. I think the issue is you don’t want to let on you’re not in the same financial bracket and can’t afford these things, you’d feel embarrassed for some reason, but you also want to do these things too, it’s not like you go and hate it. You want to go and do this stuff.

your house hood income is just above average but you have high outgoings, and little savings. So unless a drip feed coming you are trying to live a lifestyle you can’t afford.

I totally get this op. I feel very similar a lot of the time.
I find it hard because I can't help but choose the cheaper options on the menu, then when it's said to split bills I feel like I've lost out, esp when I've not drank because of driving.
I have said to a couple of things that I can't afford it. That's hard because on the face of it, I have a ' fancier ' house and a new car. But people don't know outgoings.

For those suggesting to change friends, how? I'm 50 and wouldn't know how to go about getting new friends.

It's called loans and credit cards.

No it's not "just above average" @Coldspringtime It's nearly three times the national average. And this is where these sort of cognitive dissonance comes in, with the OP feeling poor.

I said to my OH I think we just need to try to control the plans a bit more in future - suggest the park for a coffee etc.

i think you need to be realistic. If folks want to go out for dinner no one will want to go to the park and sit and drink a coffee instead. Not as a replacement. You can suggest a cheaper restaurant.

I have a wider social circle and we do a lot together, if someone said let’s all meet in the park and drink coffee, I’d be like okaaay. I mean I’d go but not regularly. I’d still organise dinner.

what you’re suggesting is you can’t afford to g0 at all.which is very different,

It's not just above average, its massively over- anything over 80k is in the top 5% of income in the UK.

The mean full time earnings is 39k. The median 31. So times two for two working adults. Yes it’s just above average,

for it to be three times the average you’d need to think the average full time wage was 15k. That’s below min wage.

Not for two working adults.

It depends what figures you use. I’m in Ireland. The average salary according to a lot of sources is €45k. We make a bit more than that. I often find people use household income. If your household income is one person part-time it’s obviously going to be less than two people working full time.

I don’t feel poor btw just to clarify.

Yes household income is very different, as you can have adults who don’t work , or are part time etc . My comparison, and yours was two full time working adults.

It is tricky because whilst the obviously solution would be to be upfront about your financial situation, not everyone is comfortable doing so and may feel embarrassed.

I would suggest seeking out friends who are in a similar situation to you as this will help make you feel less down about your situation and stop the comparison.

Also change the way you socialise with your wealthier friends - perhaps meet them for coffee or a walk somewhere instead. That way you won't be stressing about the bill.

Do you ever get to suggest the places or activities. For example meeting for drinks rather than a meal could be cheaper. You could meet them after the meal. Or do you ever entertain at home. Ultimately I think you either need to become comfortable with saying something like 'Could we go here instead? we need to tighten our belts this month' or try and find a new friendship group who are less wealthy

You can come and hang out with me. Pizza hut is a posh treat for us 😬

Going to the park for a coffee seems a bit of a leap from high-end restaurants (although if that's where your budget is, there's nowt wrong with that obviously).

How about you try and be the one that finds a restaurant that is comfortably within your budget and puts it out as a suggestion for a meet-up? There are lots of really good restaurants that are very reasonably priced, and even more so if you're able to steer it towards lunchtimes rather than evenings.

Also change the way you socialise with your wealthier friends - perhaps meet them for coffee or a walk somewhere instead

honestly larger social groups of couples who like to socialise in expensive places are highly unlikely to want to change that dynamic to going for a walk instead, maybe as a one off , but it won’t stop everything else, and it would be beyond weird if the op couldn’t do anything but go for walks with them,

the answer here is either don’t go or suggest a cheaper venue, but if the op can’t afford tp go at all then of course she can suggest coffee but understand it will be a very different dynamic and not stop the normal stuff going on.

Would you enjoy spending some time with your friends of they came over to yours and you just all watched a movie?

If you can't truly be yourself with your friends, then what's the point of calling them friends?

Apologies for being blunt, but if this causes you stress and you feel like you have to be someone you're not, what's the point?

If you can't afford it, and you have to keep up, idk, wouldn't it be better to have people in life where, when you meet, you can relax?

It does leave us in a position where we either spend more than we can afford or miss out.

Welcome to real life. I don’t know what you are expecting us to do? Either you both try to earn more money or budget so you can split the bill when you go out for dinner. Saying no to a social invitation won’t kill you.