Friends with money

[the7Vabo]

I’m middle aged, married, two kids, mortgage. We are probably higher middle income, between us we make gross £90k ish. I’m the higher earner.

The problem is that while I feel we are far from poor our social group is rich. We were out for a meal recently with a group of friends & they split the bill & it was eye watering for us. It’s awkward because I don’t want be be the only couple in a big group asking to go to a cheaper restaurant. I don’t feel anyone should have to constrain their choices based on our income. It does leave us in a position where we either spend more than we can afford or miss out.

Im also in general a bit gloomy about money. I know on a rationale level that we aren’t badly off. Our outgoings are high. We live a nice life although not a particularly luxe one. Anytime we splash out the chunk it takes out of our very small pot of savings upsets me.

I just feel a bit joyless. I don’t want to be, I want to be grateful for what I have and consistently mindful that others are so much worse off, but I’m really struggling mentally.

Was it a particularly expensive restaurant? Do you mind me asking how much your split of the bill was? It's just that we'd be in the same income bracket, albeit with low enough outgoings and we feel pretty well off and would eat out regularly without feeling the pinch. Maybe I'm just not used to London restaurant prices.

This is a good point. You will meet people with less money than you and can become friends with them.

Sounds horrible Op.
I have absolutely minted friends ( I live in a very desirable, privileged bit if the world). I also live in a Housing Association property and don’t earn very much.
We still go out for walk with the dogs or have drinks at the local and they go on their expensive holidays and weekends away with other friends. I have TWO sets of friends that are both on their THIRD skiing holiday this season, I kid you not ( they don’t know each other).
I am not judged. They are lovely as am I. They talk about their problems; they get ill, worry about their kids and have stuff that goes wrong. We make plans to catch up and do cheaper stuff.
You need to widen your circle if friends or just meet on different terms.You do the organising.

Money is like weight

there's always someone poorer/fatter/richer/thinner than you!

It was approx €200 in Ireland for a fairly middle of the road restaurant. Just my husband didn’t drink & I had one and we left early, the others drank quite a bit. They said they’d let us know the amount as we left early and I guess they didn’t factor in that we didn’t really drink. It’s not something I’d bring up. We just need to be more careful next time. We’ll have to assume they won’t factor in us not drinking.

The issue with our income is our bills are high. Otherwise we’d be pretty well off.

I think you just need the confidence to say 'no thank you' when people suggest an expensive night on. Maybe it it comes with age but it doesn't bother me in the slightest to say 'no thank you' if someone suggests something outside my budget. And, ironically, I often spend my Friday nights packing food parcels in the Food Bank when I am well aware that other people are out socialising .
Real friends don't expect you to just go along with their plans ... do you feel you just have to go because of FOMO?

I'd consider €200 per couple to be high too, especially if you weren't drinking. We'd normally go places that cost about half that.

Oh. Not only do they not give you any consideration when choosing a venue (they must notice that you don't holiday in Mauritius etc) but they're happy to let you buy their drinks, unless you really believe a "middle of the road" dinner with one drink costs £200? You must have an idea of what your share of the bill should have been?

Everyone I socialise with, rich and poor, notices when someone isn't drinking and makes sure the bill is split accordingly.

It's fine if wealthy people want to drink multiple bottles, but you don't get your friends to pay for it.

They said they’d let us know the amount as we left early and I guess they didn’t factor in that we didn’t really drink. It’s not something I’d bring up. We just need to be more careful next time. We’ll have to assume they won’t factor in us not drinking.

friends don't let two of the party leave and then expect them to share in the cost for their continued drinking - thats not decent behaviour

if you leave early you just ask the waiting staff to settle your part of the bill, this can be done away from the table and you pay for what you've had - most tills have a split the bill option where you can tell the staff what you eat and drank and it'll tot that part up, you pay and away you go leaving them with their fair share to pay.

tbh think they just didn’t think in this case.
a couple of them one guy in particular have taken a big step up in recent years career wise. We are only noticing it now post Covid as we are now out again but the places they want to go are more expensive, as is the wine. As that particular guy does the organising in general it’s a bit tricky.

As that particular guy does the organising in general it’s a bit tricky.

You just say - oooh that place is a bit steep for us, well give it a miss - let us know when you pick somewhere more reasonably priced

they didn't find it tricky asking you for 200 euros

I'm afraid I think you're kidding yourself. If they really just "didn't think", if you point it out they'll be mortified and make sure it never happens again. But it's amazing how people only lack such awareness when it's in their favour.

Honestly just tell them you won’t be going due to costs the next time they ask. If they are true friends, they will find somewhere else to go as it’s the company that matters. There are places to go with great food and drink which doesn’t have to be extortionate. Im talking from experience of this- I am part of a similar group of very high earners and I know not one of us would want to ever put someone in a situation which was above their means at that time. You just find somewhere else to go. Let me also tell you that even “rich” people like to save money where they can and I bet quite a few would be secretly glad they won’t be footing a big bill by going elsewhere.

"You need to widen your circle if friends or just meet on different terms."

How do you widen your circle?

I earn the least out of my family, and really feel it when they are ordering steak and wine, and I am drinking tap water and eating a cheap pasta dish.

I refuse to split the bill on principle, but I hate having to calculate everything and worry about paying the bill at the end.

You do different things and go to different places. Go to the council gym instead of the posh one (or vice versa) join a swimming club instead of a tennis club, hang out at parkrun instead of the spa, etc etc

I think I have been on both sides if this. Both wealthier and the less well off friends. As others have said when it's going out on a Saturday night your only real option is to arrive after dinner. Same principle when you are broke with small DCs, eat before you come.

Explore fun activities that cost little and show your friends. There are lots of fun and enjoyable that don't cost anything. Like mạking up games to play, cooking new recipes, stories about time spent together, good books you've read from the libraries, tips for saving.

I'm sure however rich they are everyone will enjoy things that they don't know about.

One thing rich people will always envy you is how you can have so much fun and love with much less money.

As PP said, in those circumstances you pay your portion before you leave.

I think in this instance the issue was you paid a portion of the whole night even though you left early and didn't drink.

what usually happens?

Are you in awe of these people OP? What did you do when you received the message that you owed £200? Surely, amongst friends, you'd respond somewhere between "WTF" and "that can't be right we left at xpm and barely drank anything". What stops you doing that?

It sounds like on this occasion, the issue isn't that the venue was too expensive, but that they're taking you for a ride.

I don’t see how £200 on a meal for two
would stretch people who earn 90k (speaking from experience).

However make sure you order lobster and champs next time ha ha, I have learnt never to just have starters and mineral water when you go out with groups!

We spend more than one wage on mortgage & childcare so it’s stretch. And we don’t live particularly luxuriously for it. We have close to no savings so €200 is a very big spend for us.

Im in Ireland so not everything translates. I think costs can be higher than the UK for several things.

I’m sure there are areas when we could save more money & in trying to cut back. But they aren’t huge expenses mainly stuff like a scone from a cafe.

I don’t want to go on holidays this year as the impact on our small savings pot is too great.

I know there are people reading this who don’t have a small savings pot and are stuck renting. It’s not the I don’t get that. But I’m just a bit down at the moment and feel a bit stuck in the day to day, overwhelmed by work & kids and spending €200 stresses me out as does the fact that we can’t afford to splash out give the amount of stress in my work.

You don't have to go out with these people .. You say they are your 'friends' but you can't keep up with them financially so tell them! Don't be embarrassed ... have confidence in yourself, my friends go to concerts, clubs, expensive restaurants etc that I have no interest in (even if I could afford it) .. I am not embarrassed to say 'sorry, not my thing' ... as a PP says, it does sound a little as though you are in awe of them and want to 'keep up'.