Friends with money

[the7Vabo]

I’m middle aged, married, two kids, mortgage. We are probably higher middle income, between us we make gross £90k ish. I’m the higher earner.

The problem is that while I feel we are far from poor our social group is rich. We were out for a meal recently with a group of friends & they split the bill & it was eye watering for us. It’s awkward because I don’t want be be the only couple in a big group asking to go to a cheaper restaurant. I don’t feel anyone should have to constrain their choices based on our income. It does leave us in a position where we either spend more than we can afford or miss out.

Im also in general a bit gloomy about money. I know on a rationale level that we aren’t badly off. Our outgoings are high. We live a nice life although not a particularly luxe one. Anytime we splash out the chunk it takes out of our very small pot of savings upsets me.

I just feel a bit joyless. I don’t want to be, I want to be grateful for what I have and consistently mindful that others are so much worse off, but I’m really struggling mentally.

Hmm I get it. We are similar. Not quite Middle aged or at least lower end but two kids and a good income (little lower than yours but not massive - only DH works as we have two toddlers)

A year ago we lived in a big village country house like our peers, we were struggling to make ends meet. Felt like we were just keeping up with the Jones’s tbh. So we sold up, bought a lovely but smaller and much less maintenance new build in a nearby town and freed up a healthy savings pot. Honestly best thing we ever did. We aren’t competing here. We are much happier and feel free of it all.

You can have the social life or you can have the day to day life but it sounds like you can’t afford both. You’ll never know where other people get their money from, family, inheritance, other sources of income, so stop competing and be more practical about what you have and how you can make it work.

🙄 not always

I do think that at times they could give us a bit more thought

ths only makes sense if they know financially you’re struggling with the expense. If they don’t, then it’s not a reasonable thought. They aren’t sitting there thinking I wonder if they can afford diner or need to go somewhere cheaper.

The only thing I expect of anyone on these forums is not post unless the intention is helpful.

I have acquaintances and professional associates where I have to keep up with them, and be polite and graceful.

But it makes me so tired.

They are dear to me, I like them, perhaps some of them will become friends. But they aren't friends otherwise I wouldn't feel tired perfoming these social graces/roles.

I reckon friends take you as you are, and you get to relax. That's the point, to feel good and recharged, not tired.

No judgement, as I type this, I realise how much this takes out of me.

It’s a fair point.

They do know that they earn far more than us, and that our house is a fraction of the size of theirs, but I don’t want to be unfair to be fair to them haven’t pointed it out.

It is always difficult but it sounds like you can afford to do nice things.. just not exactly the same nice things as your friends-focus on that, suggest some cheap days out, getting a takeaway together etc.
Me and DP earn half what you do, we rent, but we do ok, more than ok really, but almost all of our friends earn at least double if not a lot more, own lovely houses, go on lovely holidays etc etc. Occasionally I feel a bit fed up with it, but mostly I am pretty grateful. My health is pretty rubbish so I compare more on that level than anything.

I hear you OP. it's happened in our social circle too. Everybody apart from the very well off or those with ample savings are feeling the rise in costs.

We have subtly moved away from eating out every week with our friends to getting takeout at each others houses, going on free days out rather than paid for stuff etc.

You can either make saving in other areas, not go or suggest somewhere cheaper. If you want to save face you can say you're saving for something but hopefully you're friends will realise and adjust their expectations of you accordingly.

I can't help feeling that if your friends are real friends you should be able to say you would prefer a cheaper restaurant without feeling awkward.
My friendship group have very mixed finances so we do a variety of things , some expensive some free .

Could you suggest that next time you meet up they come to your house rather than go out for a meal? Or for Sunday lunch at a pub or a pub quiz ?

We don't have an income anywhere near yours, and most of our friends have similar incomes . However because we only have one DC and had a very small mortgage (cheap house bought in the 90s, now paid off), we have tended to have more disposable income than our friends but we always do the cheapest version of socialising - drinks and buffet or takeaway at someone's house, pub meal or just drinks - that way everyone gets to still meet up and have a good time .

Are you being fair to your friends? You won't discuss money with them and so are giving them the impression you can keep up so its hardly unsurprising that they ask you about holidays etc as though it is normal. You have never told them otherwise! You might be doing them a big discredit in assuming that saving or tightening belts is something they can't comprehend. Just because they dont need to do it doesnt mean they cant understand the concept. Presumably, they aren't idiots.

Ive read the posts, id like to ask how much is an eye watering bill for dinner per person?

Surely not everywhere you go for dinner has such a high price tag? or is it due to the booze with the meal?

I have friends who want to dine out every couple of weeks, its above my means and wants, so I just go once every 6/8 weeks for dinner. There is only so much eating out I can do and id rather spend my money on other things

I get you-have quite wealthy friends who did private school, skiing, global holidays etc. I got found it by inviting them to eat or coffee at my house-or lunch at a nice restaurant where there is a cheaper set menu. They’re lovely people so certainly didn’t want to stop seeing them. Anything too expensive I just said it wasn’t in our budget. If your friends are good people, they will be sensitive and enjoy seeing you whatever. The main thing is don’t try and copy their lifestyle when you’re with them-I knew we have enough to have a decent life but just not in their league.

I've been in this situation. I didn't go to social events where it involved a meal out unless it was a close friend's birthday, so 3 or 4 times a year. I'd accept that the splitting of the bill at the end would mean my share came to about twice as much as I'd consumed. It's ok if your friends method of socialising doesn't suit you. If they're your friends they'll be happy to meet you for a coffee. Socialising is supposed to make you happy, if it's not then it's time to stop. As much as you love these people it's a good idea to look at making some new friends whose lives more closely match your own. You can still see the others too, but it's possible your lives are starting to head in different directions and this type of issue could get worse.

Do you find budgeting or saying no to things you can’t afford helpful?

That’s the way to frame it. As having a much smaller house or earning less doesn’t equate to you can’t afford the dinners out etc. They will assume if you come or don’t suggest alternates, then it’s because You afford to go. It won’t be they don’t think to suggest cheaper alternates for you.

my friends cover a wide financial curve. I know clearly who earns well and who is low income. If someone suggests something and the less well off person say yes. We would all assume it’s because they have worked out their own finances and can afford to go. They certainly wouldn’t be friends if they were sitting thinking you are going to meals you can’t afford.

I’d be honest with your friends - you never know, they might all feel the same but don’t want to bring it up. If they’re true friends they’ll be happy to go for cheaper places or why not suggest doing dinner parties at each others houses.

I’m the higher earner
I work almost full time and have young kids. I’d like to be able to let loose the odd time but we can’t afford to and I struggle with that probably more than I should
The group are my husband’s school friends & their wives whom I’ve become very good friends with
I think it makes my husband feel like a bit of a failure, almost all of his friends are very successful - CEO, senior uni professor etc

I mean this gently, but do you compare your husband to his friends and feel some resentment? For some reason you do not mention what the women do.

I do wish people would stop doing this. It’s as pointless as it is sanctimonious. I suspect there is a cohort of sour people trawling these boards looking for threads to insert themselves in to, simply to scold posters for the sin of struggling somewhat in their own lives, but not bumping along at the bottom. Pious, sanctimonious tosh, so unpleasant. This is a massive site, populated by people with a very wide range of experiences.

I get it’s not easy just to make new friends and it sounds like you value the ones you have.

Do they do dinner and then drinks afterwards? If so you could just go for the drinks ?

Are there other things you can go without to free up income to cover these get togethers ? Expensive clothes / hairdresser/ beauty treatments / gym membership / household shopping / subscriptions / cleaner etc ?

if you find it to awkward talk finances, could you say you’re dieting but eat before going and only have something small with no starter or dessert? I know when id given up alcohol for a while I used to say to friends I was driving or on antibiotics.

is there usually one person who normally chooses/arranges where you all go ? Could you offer to organise it as a favour and choose somewhere more budget friendly ?

I like my friends & don’t want to be unfair to them. But I do think it’s a bit clueless to talk about things like the Maldives it’s blindingly obvious we can’t afford it. We live in a small house, have cheap cars etc. we aren’t in that league.

I didn’t mean go without household shopping but there’s a lot you can do to reduce the cost whilst still buying what you need

I agree. Going by that, we should all be grateful for our lot until it's too late

No the uni professor is a woman. The other wives don’t work. I don’t resent my husband for not being a CEO, I’d like if he cleaned up more!

That’s part of the point of the overall gloominess though. We do both work. In pretty responsible jobs. I just feel a bit meh at the moment.

Thanks so much!!

I find it frustrating. I know there are many people out there who lead lives that are far less fortunate than mine.
There are also people who lead lives that are easier than mine.

I can only speak to my feelings and my situation. Not to say I’m not mindful of those worse off.

I understand that people will see our income and find it triggering. We work hard for it and have a lot of responsibilities.